Arillia
Joined 26th Apr, 2019 ·
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Looking good so far for the chapter I am on ^^
Can't wait to read more
That was a great read.
That was a good read. I'd like to see more stories on Twister Darling, stormy, and the others in this story. Can't wait to see what else you write.
Pretty happy end, the stuff with rain dancer was eh but I liked all the other bits
I liked it.
I think I'd have looked for ways to incorporate some of the more lengthy exposition and monologues into more action or dialogue-driven events, where possible. The pacing had some stutters along the way that I think could be avoided.
The Twister/Jelly Bean scene was tastefully done and reasonably erotic.
The Twister/Stormy part almost felt tacked on by comparison to me, but not bad.
All in all it was good.
Judged and tallied.
Wow. I am surprised you don't more of a following. This was indeed a classic take on literature. There were a couple of parts here and there that seemed a bit off, but overall the writing the progression of the story and clean execution made me forget about it while excitement drove me to move pass it just to continue the story.
Now my only concerns is how the world is built. Then again it is an OC story and that can be whatever you make of it, so this is just an issue with me and my tastes. Other than that, I'm unsure how I could suggest to improve here. It was really delightful.
Introduction was somewhat hard to read through... Lots and lots of exposition.
Description of the son is somewhat weird: story jumps from him being a foal to his looks as an adult (complete with a cutie mark).
<-------After finishing the story------->
A very enjoyable read overall. As I've expected, the introduction chapter could've been spread across the story, with the information fed to the readers in a more natural manner (for example, Twister could have a conversation about her family with another patient or Nurse Redheart).
I think you deserve extra praise for an honest depiction of a common pony's struggle. And some more for a realistic intimate scenes.
Introduction of cars and phones into Equestria with ponies still being quadruped feels both bizzare and, in the end, rather pointless. It makes the whole setting less unique overall.
The whole drama surrounding Stormy ended up feeling rather contrived. Why would he feel abandoned in school if there are phones in this world? They couldn't write each other a letter? And it's hard to feel sorry for him after he let Rain Dancer fool him twice like she did.
Overall, I have to agree with xRei. Thank you for the story.