The land of Equestria is in chaos. Brother has turned against brother in the ongoing war between those who wield magic's might and those who are terrified by it. Princess Luna is determined to find the one pony responsible for all this. A warrior from a far off land named Ebonyblade is the center of the current situation and Luna wants to find out his involvement. One of Ebonyblade's companions tells of Ebonyblade's rise from lowly equestrian refugee to a mighty champion of Kanterwall. The hero will face many trials in his ongoing struggle to bring peace to the suffering city and will meet many companions along the way. Ebonyblade will eventually have to make difficult decisions, will he fight for safety of security? Or the freedom of chaos?
Told in the same frame narrative style of Dragon Age 2 comes the story of Ebonyblade. This is my first attempt at a real fantasy story. I will take liberties with Dragon Age 2's plot so as not to make it just the game with a pallete swap of characters. I will make it so that the characters will retain their personalites while still being affected by the darker setting.
Credit for the title goes to MiracleofSound.
Canterwall?
like redwall? like mathias?
Oh, no. Dragon Age MLP. Actually quite funny to see it done this way. Though I do wish you'd played a bit with those stupid lines from the game's prologue:
"Aren't you afraid I'll make it up as I go along?"
"Not at all."
And then something akin to "Well, then, in that case. . ."
Still good though. Especially interested if you're thinking of embracing more of a parody thing. Are you going to be?
Either way, do continue!
'Ebonyblade' really does not roll off the tongue.
Could you just call him 'Greg' or something?
"IN THE AGE OF THE PONY THE PONIES WILL TALK...."
I was wandering when someone would make a dragon age fanfic.My hopes have been answered thand Andraste,and Celetia.
1060646While I'll admit some of the lines in DA 2 are...lack luster
I plan to make this my own thing with some of the plot elements
The only real parody was that whole sequence of ebonyblade fighting, it was supposed to be over the top. Because that was how the legend about him was told until today.
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Ok, that's cool too. Are you planning on mostly using the cast from the show to fill in for the DA2 cast? That in itself should be rather comical.
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And I must say I agree about the Ebonyblade thing. "Hawke" was one syllable. And a move from one to four is a little strange. "Greg" would be a pretty funny name for a pony, especially the protagonist of an epic fantasy, since it's so totally out of character.
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Not to mention the family name. Is everyone a Blade or similar word? Is Carver a Woodenblade while Bethany is a Origamisword?
I know ponies don't adhere to the last-name convention strictly, but the family name in DA2 tends to be a big and unavoidable subject.
1066403Ebonyblade's name is a bit of a parody of the sometimes unbelievably long names of other fantasy characters, other characters in the story will come up with nicknames for him though and as for family names...well I won't have a carver or bethany counterpart so it shouldn't be a problem
>.>
All right, a few tips here and there before I talk about what I think of the story itself so far.
The paragraphs are far too 'cluttered' together. Try spreading them out, really helps reading. Speaking of which, you need to define when a paragraph starts, like I did right at the start! That also helps avoid 'walls-of-text' which, so far, the story is on the brink of achieving.
Another trick to avoid "walls-of-text" is to use break-lines. That would separate the little 'quote' you seem to have by Celestia, from the actual story, or just segments of it, like when Spike starts to tell the tale of Haw- Ebony. A break-line can go from being just a bunch of 'XxXxXxX" to a straight line "--------------". Either way, it marks the beginning of a new scene, and that's quite important. And by 'quite', I mean TOPPRIORITY-GETTOITALREADY.
Anyway, if you're going to, for example, use Luna's Royal Canterlot Voice (or some other magical-kind of speech), use 'bold'. Simple, yet effective. Also, just one exclamation mark is enough! No need for more. A bit of an eye-sore for me, actually.
...Speaking of dialogue, there are a few problems with it. When a character is done speaking, you end the air-quoted sentence with ".".
For example, "Tell me, lest I use other methods to make you talk.". Also, you need to use either a "," or a "." in situations like these:
"Spike nodded. "The whole kingdom is falling apart at the seams and you want..."
(OR)
"Spike nodded, "The whole kingdom is falling apart at the seams and you want..."
What else... Oh! Sometimes, it goes on this strange naming streak, even when there are only two characters talking. There are a couple of things that can be done to avoid that, like say, describing said character!
Luna could be referred to as "The princess" (of the night, to be specific), "The star-maned pony", "The royal mare" (if Celestia isn't around), etc...
Spike could just be referred to as "The purple-and-green scaled dragon", "The baby dragon", etc...
That small adjustment would avoid name repetition and, thus, increase the overall quality of the story.
...Onto the story then.
Let me start off by thanking the shit out of you. Finally, a DA2 crossover! And with a sort-of original concept behind it to boot (since usually crossovers seem to mean "throw-character-X-into-Equestria-and-see-things-happen!").
...I must confess though, had you gone with "Hawke" instead of "Ebonyblade", I would've loved this even more. No offense, but like others said, it's a pretty long name.
Plus, Hawke, besides having an awesome name, has the best beard ever. No OC can compete with that shit, oh no! Oh well, your story, blah blah blah.
...What was I talking about agai- Oh right. So, "Canterwall", huh? Well, I can't complain. I couldn't have come up with a better pun.
The idea to switch characters around seems like a nice idea, can't wait to see it. So long as our beloved ponies don't go off really OOC, then all is well.
Anyway, I'm really interested in this now. Though, are you suuure you don't want to switch "Ebonyblade" with "Hawke"- No?
forum.dangercheats.com.br/public/style_emoticons/default/okay.jpg
If you ever need help with anything, don't be afraid to send over a PM.
Cheers!
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"OF THE DAY THEY WERE SAVED BY A HERO... NAMED HAW- I MEAN, EBONY!"
A vast improvement from the 'Prologue', good job. Could use some more polish, though. Nothing a pre-reader/editor can't fix. It's a good idea to keep on the lookout for those!
...You should probably edit out that rather... Well, bad prologue. It really needs some more work put into it. Still, we learn from our mistakes, right?
On this chapter, the only REAL problem I haven't mentioned before, is the usage of ellipses (...). Ellipses start like this...
...And end like this, in the next paragraph! Unless in dialogue, then you just separate it from the next word. Quite easy. We don't use ellipses like this, though...Might want to watch out. We use commas and full-stops for that.
For example:
"Applejack nodded…then she slowly drew a dagger out of her barding…and thrust it into Big Mac’s chest. "
Into:
"Applejack nodded. Slowly, she drew a dagger out of her barding and thrust it into Big Mac’s chest."
...And when in dialogue:
“This belonged to mah pa…I want ya to have it…keep it as a promise to…look after mah family when I’m gone…”
Into:
"This belonged to mah pa… I want ya to have it. Keep it as a promise to… look after mah family when I’m gone…"
Anyway, so! The roles have changed up a bit, interesting. Well, looking forward to the next chapter!
Wish you would bring spike along more often he's the story teller he can't tell a story if his not there.
This exactly like dragon age 2 very well done
Well this was fun and I enjoyed it. Be nice if it was finished but oh well these things happen.