• Member Since 13th May, 2019
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

totallynotashadeyperson


Sometimes the best writers are those that don't actually enjoy the series. ~ feel free to enjoy my stories, but I do not want followers.

Sequels1

T
Source

This story is a an alternate universe story about what events (could) aspire if Nightmare Moon smashed the Elements of Harmony, and defeated the main 6. Welcome to, The Beginning.

(Sequel is here.)

Chapters (14)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 27 )

This was nicely written, with a lot of suspense. The rest of the story is definitely waiting for when I have more time to read!

Reasonably enjoyable. You may want to consider a bit more pre-reading. The main thing I would look out for is noticeable right at the beginning.

“Grandpa!” two foals came running into the living room. In that living room, near the fire, sat an old unicorn stallion sitting in a chair and was reading a newspaper. Putting the newspaper down, the stallion smiled at the two.

The biggest thing I notice is a fair bit of repetition. In the example above, you don't really need to repeat that the room is a living room- and it would read a lot cleaner if you declared it only once.

Premise though, it's fairly interesting. I'll likely come back and finish it when I can.

It's a rather interesting beginning with quite a good flow, and a rather believeable characters as well, especially the children. It is a little rough arounnd the edges with some repetitions here and there, as CuttleFishGod already said in his comment. I have also noticed some awkwardly phrased sentences, a few typos here and there, missing/incorrent punctuation and a recurring issues with dialogue tags. I can explain more and help you comb for these if you'd like me too :twilightsmile:

9817611
The Prologue I had tried to set up the story, plus it was my first time submitting so it is a little rough around the edges, I plan on touching up each chapter once I finish this first book.

9818067
Thank you! I would love any advice/tips/typos that anyone gives and would gladly change anything that makes the narrative incoherent. I plan on this book to be the starter. I expect to make plenty of changes and mistakes along the way as I try and morph the story that makes it both enjoyable and readable at the same time.

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

9825519
Flutter Moon is normally quiet but knows the importance of friends.
Moon Melody is thoughtful, sometimes getting jabs at Blue Moon as a friendly contest.
Blue Moon is overcritical and tries to control most of the situations.
Shining Moon is caring, a little protective of Moon Melody and intelligent.
Moon Dasher is still a little full of herself, but blame shifting towards others.
Apple Moon is still trying to work out how she feels about the whole situation.
Moon Pie is devastated by Celestia's death.
all together, working with multiple characters is difficult, and I plan on reducing the numbers so that I can work on more character development. Anyway those are my thoughts on each character so far.

How brutal... I love it! Twilight gets a back seat, two ponies banana split, and our new queen is bringing the heat! What happens next? If I stopped reading... I’ll never know! Onwards, for more of your great writing!

A mind spell... will magic never cease to amaze? Of course... the obvious counter spell would be one of a memory variant. Who would know that :trixieshiftright:? Just a prediction... can’t wait til’ you surprise me though! Great chapter!

Words of rebellion, in my empire? It may be more likely than you think! Free mental screenings to quell the uprising before it even begins! Nice chapter! Onwards!

Intro to intrigue! A new prophecy is on its way? Who knows how it could turn out at the end anyway! Of importance, I’ve realized that there is a chance Twilight (May Celestia bless her soul) hasn’t had a memory wipe. A true name library that one. Onwards to the next chapter!

Argh! Curse you author and your villainous ways! A phrophecy foretold! To which fate will be cast in mold! The world’s destiny sold! A story to behold! A plan to be... uhh... rolled? I’ve run out of rhymes... but not story! Onwards!

Wait. Five characters!?! The implications are very much not good. This means that A: one of the main 6 isn’t going to work in this war. While we have an obvious candidate we can’t rule anyone out! That or... the 5 characters can INCLUDE the main 6 but not consist ENTIRELY of the main 6 (A la moon melody, etc.). Finally there’s characters we just haven’t been introduced to yet so the 5 could just have no characters we know but that’s the least likely. Onwards to more of your great story!

It’s always Fluttersh- I mean Flutter moon with the stealth missions eh? Of course, there is well enough good chance that she still get caught by the alarm system... what will come of that?

Welp... we’ve learned where our friendly possessive spirit came from. And of another spirit. Twilight’s fate is a small mystery and now we will see if mission impossible ft. Flutter will work! Onwards to another great chapter!

Explosions! Action! A talking book! Wait... what? Next time, we’ll figure out who this rather egotistical entity is! I hope. No guarantee. This was a rather nicely written chapter too. Onwards! To more great story!

Captured and taken away... what more could Dawn Lighter ask for? We see two members captured and at what cost! Now there is only a mental stowaway and a Flutter Moon burdened about an oncoming war! Short, succinct, and ready to see what the future has in store!

Uhh... that’s no good. Where did it all go wrong! Will she make it to the end of tomorrow? Will anything go right? Will she be a martyr for the revolution? Who knows! No more law, let’s get some story!

Damn... you actually followed through. Aw geez that’s dark. It’s almost as bleak as the night. But I guess tyrannical rulers were never known for mercy. Onwards? Onwards.

We’ve closed the first book. Or memory. Whatever to call it. What a great story so far! I’m interested in the future of we’re this tale will go... til next time!

9865957
For real dude, reading your comments today made my day amazing, thank you so much. I plan on making some of the first few chapters sound better, then I plan on working on the next installment, hope to see you there :)

A week or two, haha, I was kidding myself. This will take Wayyyyyy longer than I thought

9953642
The story isn’t even 20k words and you rename nearly the entire cast with nondescript names. And that’s not even getting into the magical, hive mind crap.

9953711
If there is any consolation, I am doing it to further it from canon, hence the AU tag. The hive mind isn't something that I will go into detail, and I am purely using it so that Dawn Lighter can sense where Nightmare Moon is, and vice versa. As for the 20K words, This was my first story, and I am still learning how to write. In future stories I plan on having the story much longer, dealing with tough issues, and going through character arcs, hero journeys, and peace in dark times. This story isn't for everyone, and I understand that.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!