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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I did not know he had a brother Is he gonna see him again ?
“Sorry. Spaced out,” I rubbed the back of my head. “Yea, I was sent here after I won a game of Blackjack against the guy calling himself ‘The Gambler’ at the comic-book convention I was at. After that, he sent here with everything from his stall,” They both raised an eyebrow. ‘It’s all in this book but I have no idea how to access the items other than my swords. The note I found said I would have to figure that out on my own but it also said what I choose to do in this world is up to me.”
“Wait, ya said ya were sent here as the person ya were dress as?” Applejack looked at me confused.
He said nothing of the sort. You left out a lot there.
Great story, can't wait for the next one! Also are we going to see black asta.
9628431
No i didn't. this spacing out refers to he thinking on his family internally .
9628674
that won't be till later but yes
9628698
Yeah, you did. He never once said he was turned into what he was dressed up as, or even that he was dressed in a costume at all. Literally copied and pasted it right there.
I think you mean beat not but
Right, this story is in dire need of a proof reader or editor. There are a lot of words missing or which are just flat out wrong, and I'm tired of trying to figure out your meaning and nothing I've seen so far is enough to encourage me to keep going.
So long!
Literally nobody asked for his life's story. There's no reason for him to blab everything to everyone he meets. I've seen this same thing in earlier chapters and it's just not necessary. If I was sitting in the park and some rando strode up and spat that story out, I'd be walking away very quickly before calling the cops!
Show; Don't tell. Use line breaks or simple description to gloss over a character explaining prior events. Your audience already read the story, don't make them sit through a summary of it.
Here's an example:
he shouldnt be giving out information like that, its stupid
10726412
Again this is early I the story and the. Original. Asta is a VERY trusting guy and he is very blunt, still being a new born in terms of a displaced at this stage in his displacement he is heavily influenced by the mannnerisms of the person he become even though he retained nearly all of his original self