When Dating Advice Doesn't Work...

by ThePinkedWonder

Chapter 1: Spike's, Twilight Sparkle's, and Rainbow Dash's Advice

Hey, Eric "Buggie" Reed here.

Since being stuck in Equestria, I was forced to adjust to a world that's odder, at times much odder, and sometimes scarier than my old human world, and my "real-life" appearance only made me stand out even more. However, my friends, and especially my three Equestrian siblings, Princess Twilight Sparkle, Starlight Glimmer and Spike tried their best to make me feel at home, and Equestria feels like home now.

Even so, nothing could change that I'm the only human in Equestria, even though I'm now used to it. The magic from the "Nightmare Prevention Spell" that's still stuck in me, for some reason, prevents me from passing through the portal to "Sunset Shimmer's" world, so I can't go there to talk to other humans, or try to land a "very special someone" or just visit. Even Twilight and Princess Celestia can't figure out why I can't do it, though Twilight still tries to figure it out sometimes.

I tried to, but I could never look at mares like that without it feeling weird, but I mainly accepted I would never have a "relationship", because of the weirdness I'd feel with a "marefriend". And for that matter, they might feel just as weird about dating a human.

But then, it happened. A mare came along that I could look at like that, and it didn't feel weird. Yep. I actually fell for a pony!

---

It all started when Spike and I were strolling through the marketplace in Ponyville. The sun shone from directly overhead with a breeze blowing that forced me to hold on to my white hat that Rarity made for me, which has a design of my friends' Cutie Marks on it, with Twilight's and Starlight's Cutie Marks near the top. With a bunch of ponies walking in front of the many stands in the marketplace talking and a few Pegasi flew high in the air -- including a certain cross-eyed grey one -- Spike and I were talking about another gift he bought for Rarity; poor guy's still trying to land her. She, as well as Twilight, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie were off having their "girl time" and Starlight was with Trixie (again) so with the mares away, Spike and I decided to have some "bro time".

With a chuckle, I asked, "So, you got Rarity another gift, huh, Spike?"

"What do you mean, 'another' gift?"

"Please, this is like your hundredth one to her since I got to Equestria, and I haven't even been here a year."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Oh, come on, I haven't given her that many gifts!"

"No, I guess not. It's more like your ninety-ninth gift."

"Oh, very funny, Eric. Maybe when you get a crush I'll pick on you!"

Maybe it's because we're both guys, and for that matter are like brothers, but Spike's more willing to admit his true feelings for Rarity to me than to the others. Even more so than to Twilight, who's like his big sister too, even if he doesn't call her "big sis" like I do. I have two older human sisters in my old world but I had no brother, so I like finally having someone that's like a brother, let alone a younger sibling.

"Ha, too bad for you, because I don't think that will happen, ever."

"Oh, yeah, you don't look at ponies like that. But I still don't get it, what's wrong with them?"

"Well, There's nothing wrong with ponies. But it just feels...weird to try to do it."

"Well, maybe you could..."

With my head turned to my left to Spike, something bumped into me from my right and, with a grunt, I hit the ground on my side. I growled and started to shout, "Hey, watch where you're--"

I stopped when I saw who knocked me down. It was a mare, a light-green Pegasus, with a soft, dark-red mane which split and flowed down both sides of her face, then went down to just below her chest. The ends of her mane was in two curls, similar to how Fluttershy's mane ends in a curl, except this Pegasus's mane touched and ran down both sides of her face, but Fluttershy's doesn't touch her face. She also had a frown, showing she felt bad, and I stopped scowling.

"Oh, gosh, I am so sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. Are you all right?" The mare asked me in a sweet voice.

"Uh...yeah, I'm all right. No harm done."

"Oh, I'm so glad to hear that." The mare smiled, raised her hoof to me which I grabbed and held on to, and she lifted me to my feet. As she did, I smelt some perfume that she wore. "My name is Diane Heart, but you can just call me Diane, and I am really sorry I knocked you down. Let me at least try to make it up to you by buying you a cup of cocoa."

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that, Diane."

But Diane shook her head. "Oh, no, please, I insist."

Most of my friends are mares, so I know that if a mare insists on something, just give up. "Well, okay, if you really want to, and thank you. And my name's Eric. Eric Reed, and you can just call me Eric."

Diane gave a cute giggle. "Oh, I already know about you, Eric. Let us go."

Guess I do stand out, being the only human in Equestria and I'm almost as well-known as Twilight, and she's a princess. Along with Spike, I walked beside Diane to a stand selling cocoa, and I noticed she had a Cutie Mark of three blue hearts. She bought us each a cup, which was about the size of a teacup and was white-colored, and even bought Spike a cup, just to be a sweetheart. The three of us sat down in chairs by a square table that was about thirty feet from the stand, with a red and white checkered cloth covering the table, and we talked for about five minutes.

As I gazed at Diane's cute, smiling face, her red mane and green eyes, and listened to her voice, my heart was beating faster, a warm feeling flowed through me and butterflies filled my stomach. I discovered that I was...feeling something. Something I haven't felt since I got to Equestria.

A crush. And despite knowing Diane's a mare, it didn't feel weird, and her having a more "human" name only helped; names like "Diane" are unusual in Equestria. Pinkie Pie's middle name is "Diane" but she's an unusual pony in more ways than one, so it fits her.

After we finished our cocoa, Diane stood from her chair. "Well, it was nice meeting you, Eric and Spike, but I have to go home now. I hope to see you two again."

With my face red I stuttered, "I-I'll hope to see you around s-sometime t-too." I was never good at talking whenever I had a big crush on someone, or somepony in this case, so I started stuttering, even though I didn't do it before.

After Diane trotted away, as I was busy thinking, She's so cute! Spike saw me motionless and staring in the direction Diane walked away, with a love-struck smile on my face. He even hopped on the table to wave his claw in front of my face.

"Okay, what's up with you, Eric? If I didn't know any better, I'd say you have a crush on Diane!"

Shaking my head to regain my focus, but kept smiling, I admitted, "Well, you're gonna get to pick on me, Spike."

"Why you say that?"

"Because you said you'll pick on me if I get a crush. And I'm 'crushed'."

Spike gasped and borderline shouted, "What? Really? You have a crush on Diane? I thought you couldn't look at ponies like that!"

"I guess I do now. Or at least if that pony's Diane."

"Well, what are you gonna do now? Ask her out?"

The thought of asking Diane out sent shivers down my back and my eyes grew big. "No! I can't ask her out!"

"Why?"

I sighed and confessed, "For one thing, I'm a human and she's a pony, so she might feel weird about dating me. And two, I suck at asking out girls I like! Sewing and making kites are just about the only things I'm worse at!"

"Oh, yeah. Those three kites you made could barely fly, and it's a good thing Starlight made you the ones you fly when you two fly kites together. But still, Diane seemed to like you, so just be yourself and ask her out."

"Well...*gulp*...I don't know, Spike. You never saw me ask out girls in my old world, and it was not a pretty sight."

"Oh, come on, just do it, big bro. If you don't, you're going to obsess about it until you do."

"What makes you think I'll 'obsess' about it?"

"Easy. You've spent so much time with Twilight that she's rubbed off on you. She'd obsess like crazy if she were you, so you'll do it too if you don't try."

And little bro Spike had me there. Since I've been stuck in Equestria, out of everyone, I've spent the most time with Twilight, and it made me subconsciously pick up some of her traits and tendencies that I didn't already have. "Point taken. Let's go find Diane."

Spike and I set off to try to find my new crush. While Spike was trying to get me to ask her out, she walked out of sight, so we had to track her down.

---

Ten minutes later, about twenty feet to Sugarcube Corner, Spike and I spotted Diane walking out its pink doors, and we figured she ordered something. The sweet smell flowing from the bakery made my mouth water, but I couldn't think about that. I needed to make a move on Diane and try not to make a fool out of myself!

"Okay, there she is. You ready?"

I took some steps back. "Well...*gulp* I don't know, Spike."

"Come on, Eric, you can do it. Just be yourself, and she already seemed to like you."

Ha, you gotta love how supportive Spike is, and I nodded my head. "Okay, I'll go. Wish me luck."

"Good luck, but you won't need it."

I took a deep breath and walked up to Diane. My stomach filled up with butterflies, and I could feel my heart pumping like crazy in my chest.

With a smile, Diane asked sweetly, "Oh, hi, Eric. What are you doing here?"

With some drops of sweat running down my face I stuttered, "Uh, w-well, I-I just w-wanted to ask, uh..."

Diane frowned and tilted her head a little. "Umm, Eric? Is something wrong?"

With a rattle, I shook my head. "N-no! Nothing wrong, I-I just--"

"Would you like something to drink, because you're sweating?"

What Diane asked gave me an idea. I stopped trying to talk and walked to a stand with around twenty cupcakes with yellow icing, about the same number of cups, and a much bigger bowl filled with blueberry-flavored juice that The Cakes set up outside Sugarcube Corner. I thought it could help if I first offer to buy Diane a cupcake and a cup of juice.

But right before I got to the stand, I tripped on a rock on the ground, fell onto the table, knocking it over and I hit the ground with a grunt. I rolled halfway in the air after I hit the table, so I landed on my back, and my hat flew off my head towards the doors of the bakery.

A "rain" of cupcakes, cups, and juice from the bowl, which itself flew over me, poured down and buried me. And then, when I sat up with cupcakes falling off my face, a pigeon just had to pick that moment to fly over me and...drop something white on me. On the head!

Diane gasped and ran to me. "Eric? Are you all right?!"

"Yeah, I'm all right, Daisy, uh, I mean, Rosie, uh, I mean..." I was so rattled and embarrassed that I couldn't even get Diane's name right! In the eighteen years I've been alive, I've never embarrassed myself this bad!

Spike finally sped to us, pointed in a direction away from Sugarcube Corner, and said, "Hey, Diane? I think somepony's looking for you over there."

"There is? But what about Eric?"

"Oh, don't worry, I'll check on him and take care of him."

"O-Okay, if you're sure."

Diane trotted off in the direction Spike pointed, and after she was out of hearing range, Spike admitted, "Eric, I told Diane that to get her out of here. Are you all right?"

I rubbed the back of my back and yelped when I touched a bump I got from my fall. "First, thanks for getting rid of Diane, Spike. And second, no, I'm not all right, because I made a fool out of myself! And now I have a big bump and...dropping on my head."

Spike grimaced at what he saw on my head, but still looked at where the bump was. "Ouch. That looks like it hurts, so we should go back to the castle and let you an ice pack for it."

"At least my hat came off my head so it's still clean."

After I picked up and put my hat back on my head, I told the Cakes sorry about ruining the cupcakes and juice, and promised I'd pay the bits for everything I ruined later, and then Spike and I headed to Twilight's castle. It helped that I'm close with Princess Twilight, so the Cakes were better sports than they might have otherwise been. Lucky for me, Pinkie Pie wasn't around, and she wasn't the one that baked those cupcakes, or that pony might've made me into cupcakes!

---

In the library in Twilight's castle, after a short shower and I put on some clean clothes: a white shirt and dark-blue pants that each had a design of Rarity's Cutie Mark on them, and a clean pair of black shoes, also with Rarity's Cutie Mark, Spike and I each sat in separate chairs. We were near one of the bookshelves that lines the walls but facing away from it, with about a foot separating us. I held an ice pack to the back of my head and so I could use the ice pack for my bump, I didn't have my hat on, and Spike and I were still talking about my pathetic attempt of asking out Diane.

"Wow, Eric. You weren't kidding when you said you're bad at asking out girls."

"You see?! I didn't even get the chance to 'be myself' and now Diane thinks I'm a clumsy idiot!"

"No, she doesn't. You didn't look that...bad, and you just need some help."

"More like I need a lot of help, and who could I ask? Twilight always tell me that I can go to her for help on anything, but I doubt she can help with this problem."

Seemingly on cue, one of the green double-doors to the library opened. Spike and I turned our heads to the door and we saw Twilight trotting in, humming to herself, and levitating a book beside her in pink magic. "Hey, guys. Did you two enjoy your--" Twilight saw me with an ice pack on, gasped, dropped her book and ran up to me. "Buggie?! Are you all right?! What happened?!"

"Yeah, I'm all right, Twi. At least physically I'll be."

"What do you mean?"

Still holding my ice pack, I tilted my head towards my shoes, and responded, "Well...I don't know if I should say it. You might laugh at me."

That forced Twilight into "big sister" mode, and she grabbed the ice pack I held with her magic to hold it for me, as she walked up to the side of the chair I sat on. With a comforting smile on her face and after wrapping a wing around me, in a gentle voice, Twi assured, "Eric, it's me, big sis Twilight, remember? You can tell me anything, and I would never laugh at you when you're upset."

Hearing Twilight call me by my real name really got my attention, because she doesn't use it much since she and Starlight started calling me "Buggie", the nickname they gave me. I lifted my head to her with "puppy-dog eyes" which I only do if I'm really embarrassed to say something, even to her. "You promise you won't laugh at me, big sis?"

Twilight smiled wider, nodded her head, and the grip of her wing tightened. "I promise. I won't laugh at you, little bro."

I felt more at ease, so I started to confess, "Okay. Earlier, when Spike and I were out, we met a mare named Diane Heart and I...uh..."

"Well, what about this 'Diane Heart'? Wait, you're blushing. Do...do you have a crush on her?"

"Yeaaah, I do, and when I--"

Twilight gasped, grinned big-time, lifted her wing off me and, to my surprise, hopped in circles around the chairs Spike and I were on! "Wow! Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow! You have your first crush in Equestria! I wasn't sure if you'll ever get any crushes because you always say it's weird for you to look at mares like that, but here you are with a crush! Oh, wow, this is so exciting! Oh yeah, I need to get you something so stay right there!"

"Wait, what are you--"

Before I got any further, Twilight stopped her hopping and flew all over the library from one bookshelf after another muttering, "Okay, where are they? Here? No, maybe they're here? Ugh, no, not there either. C'mon, think, Twilight, where did you put them?!"

Even though our eyes were spinning a little from watching Twilight hop around us, Spike and I still kept our eyes on her with our mouths wide-open, wondering what the buck was she looking for! And almost wondered who the buck was this pony, and what did she do to the real Twilight Sparkle.

After ten seconds of searching, Twilight exclaimed, "Oh, there they are!" and levitated with her magic ten books off a shelf high on one of the bookshelves.

After I shook my head to re-focus, because I did not expect Twilight to react like that, I asked, "Twi? What are those books for?"

"Oh, these? I had these books ready in case you ever got a crush in Equestria and might want my help."

"Wait, you thought Eric might get a crush?"

"Well, I wasn't sure if he would, Spike, but you know how I love being prepared."

"Don't know why I'm surprised" is what I would've said here, except I do know why! I never thought Twilight would plan for this!

Shoving each book near my face as she talked about it, Twilight explained, "Okay, this book talks about how you ask out a mare, this book is about how to prepare to ask us out, this book is about the best dating spots, and this book--"

"Whoa, whoa, slow down, Twi! I can't keep up!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm just so excited for you!" Twi stopped grinning and frowned, while sitting down the books she had in her magic. "Wait, why were you worried I would laugh because you have a crush?"

"Well, it wasn't the part about the 'crush', but it was, uh..."

Spike knew I would struggle to say it, so in my place he answered, "Eric tried to ask out Diane but tripped on a rock, knocked over a table, buried himself in juice and cupcakes, and a pigeon flew over and...dropped something on him."

"Yeah, what Spike said."

For three seconds, Twilight just stared at me, before her mouth quivered. She tilted her face down and away from me while covering her mouth with a hoof. "Oh, well, it's *cough* absurd that I w-would find that funny." Twilight coughed again before she quickly said, "But, uh, there's another book I need to find but I'll be back." Twilight flew out of the room with her mouth still covered.

"Weird. What was that about, Eric? And where she go?''

"I think I know where she went, and why. Follow me."

I hopped over the books Twilight left on the floor in front of me, and Spike and I left the library. With him behind me, we walked down the hallways of the castle, passing by a bunch of closed light-green double-doors to both our lefts and rights. As we approached Twilight's closed bedroom door, which is a green double-door, we heard hysterical laughter coming from the other side and it echoed throughout the hallways. Gee, I wonder who it was?

"Look at it this way, Eric: at least Twilight kept her promise to not laugh at you."

"Yeah, Spike, I'll give her that at least." I sighed and knocked on Twilight's door. "Hey, Princess of Laugher, when you're done, could you come to my room and bring those books with you?"

"Ha ha ha! I will, and I'm sorry, Buggie! Ha ha ha!"

Heh, if it were the other way around, I might be the one in their room laughing and I've rubbed off on big sis Twilight too, so I wasn't (too) mad at her. Besides, I knew she'd never want to truly hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, and at least she flew out of the room before laughing her heart out.

---

Two minutes later, Twilight, levitating the ten books from earlier, slunk through the open doorway to my room. Her face was slightly tilted down, her ears were drooped, and she had both a frown and big sad eyes that screamed two words. I was lying on my back on my bed on the other side of the room, near a window I had open with sunlight shining in behind me, and I turned my head to Twi. "It's about time you finished laughing."

"I know, and I am so sorry."

"Well, it's okay, and I guess it was hilarious, just not for me. And you can make up for it by helping me not embarrass myself in front of Diane again. Are those the books you were talking about?"

"Of course I'll help, and yes, these are the books." Twilight walked across the room to my bed, levitated one of the books in front of me and opened it with her magic, but she held on to it. "Now, as I was saying, this book is..."

With the help of her books, Twilight cooked up a plan for me to ask out Diane without it ending in another embarrassing bust. Man, I never thought I would have to get romantic advice from Princess Twilight Sparkle! If anything, I thought I'd have to give her tips, if she ever saw Flash Sentry again...who would get a solid left hook from yours truly if he didn't be good to my big sister!

Oh, and two hours later, as Twilight finished her plan, Spike peeked in the doorway and asked Twi if he could "borrow" the books she showed me. After stuttering for a few seconds, Twi picked up the books with her magic and flew out my bedroom window, while creating a gust of wind that almost blew down one of the pictures I have on the walls; one was of Twilight and me, with her foreleg around me and my arm around her. Oh man, did that Alicorn fly away fast! I guess she couldn't bear to tell Spike it's not happening with Rarity.

---

The next day, by a bush twenty feet away from the white doors of a red-painted restaurant, with ponies walking in and out its doors, the Princess of Matchmaking and I spotted Diane standing outside its doors. She was holding a cup of tea in her hooves, and we knew it was tea because it said "tea" on the cup. With the smell of cinnamon from one of the dishes of the restaurant filling my nose, I prepared for attempt number two of asking out Diane. I wore a red corsage on my white shirt to look better, which one of Twilight's books suggested doing, and Twi had all ten stacked on top of each other beside us, so she'll be able to help if I start blowing it. However, even with big sis Twilight with me, I felt my heart beating harder and faster, and felt some drops of sweat run down my forehead.

"All right, Buggie, is that Diane?"

"Yeah, that's her." I crept backward by a few steps. "And *gulp* maybe we should give up, Twi, because I'm already nervous."

With a smile, Twilight placed a comforting hoof on my shoulder, to both stop my creeping and calm me down. "I know you're nervous, but this time I'm here, so you'll be all right. Remember, the spell I'll cast will let us talk telepathically for five minutes and I'll watch from here. So, if you get stuck, let me know, and I'll talk you through it."

I took a deep breath. "O-okay, thanks. I'm going in."

Twilight took her hoof off my shoulder, her horn glowed, and out floated a pink ball of magic from its tip, which was about half the size of Twilight's eyes. It split into two smaller equal-sized balls and one painlessly passed into my head and the other into Twilight's. After we checked that the spell worked by saying something telepathically, Twi told me good luck and jumped behind the bush with her books to watch me (try) to work my magic, without herself being seen by Diane. I wiped my forehead and walked to my crush, with butterflies filling my stomach and my heart pumping even faster than before.

Diane smiled and asked, "Hi, Eric. Are you all right from yesterday?"

"Uh...yes, yes I am, Daisy, uh..." I stuttered, and here we go again!

Luckily, Twilight stepped in and telepathically reminded, Diane.

"D-Diane! Yeah, I'm all right, Diane," I put on a nervous grin.

Say 'thanks for asking'.

"Thanks for asking," I blurted out. I was in worse shape than I thought to forget to say that. That's common courtesy!

"Oh, it's quite all right. Is there something you want to ask me?"

"Uh, yes! Yes, there is! Uh, y-you see, I..."

First, give her a compliment. Uh, say her mane looks nice.

"Y-your mane looks nice."

"Oh, thank you, Eric! I just cleaned it, and your hat is nice too, it's wonderfully made."

"Oh, uh...t-thanks. A friend of mine made it, and..." I stopped talking to try to remember the best ways to ask out Diane that Twilight and I talked about, but looking into those big, green eyes of Diane's made me forget!

Diane frowned at me seemingly frozen in place and asked, "Is there something wrong, Eric, because you're sweating again?"

"Oh, w-well, it's just that I w-wanted to..." Twi, I forgot the best ways to ask out a mare! Help!

Uh, give me a second. I'm looking through the book about asking out a mare.

Well, hurry up! Diane's looking more and more confused!

Okay, here's one. Ask her if she'd like to get some tea.

"Uh, would you like to get some tea?"

"Tea? We could, but I'm holding some here."

And what's worse, both Twilight and I saw it, but we still forgot! I facepalmed, and never in my life was my face so red! "Oh, y-yeah, you are. Uh, w-well in that c-case..." It's bad enough I'm so nervous I forgot she had it, but how could you forget, Twilight?! You always pay attention to details!

I'm sorry! I was so busy looking at the book I forgot. Just hang on, I'll find something else for you to say.

"Uh...Eric, are you sure you're okay, because I could--"

I wiped my head to get some sweat off it. "Oh, yeah, I am, I-I just--"

As I was talking, to calm myself down, I tried to walk to a chair that was outside to sit down. But, partly because I was distracted from talking telepathically with Twilight, I tripped on another rock on the ground, fell into a trash can that was in front of me and it rolled with me in it!

Screaming, I rolled in front of the door of the restaurant, but before I could do anything, a big muscle-bound white Pegasus with tiny wings that yelled, "Yeah!" for some reason busted through the door. He knocked my trash can and me in the direction I came from, bouncing, and towards the bush Twilight hid behind. After the trash can stopped and my eyes stopped spinning, I crawled out of it, shook some paper and a banana peel off my head, and had a piece of cake with blue-colored icing stuck to my shirt.

But when I looked at where Diane stood before my "show" she was gone; maybe to find a doctor. Because of where I landed, I could see Twilight, who was levitating all ten books, flipping the pages of them with lightly gritted teeth. I guess Twi focused so hard to find something in the books to help me, she didn't notice me rolling in the trash can, or even hear me screaming. And the moaning I heard from her, which she only does when she's desperately searching for something, further proved it.

Forgetting I could still talk to Twilight telepathically, out loud, I said, "Hey, Twi? I doubt anything in those books got an answer about what to say if you fall and roll into a trash can, and Diane's gone anyway. And before you ask: I'm all right, other than feeling embarrassed again."

Twilight sat down all the books she was levitating, used her magic to pick me up and back on my feet, got the cake off my clothes with said magic, and levitated my hat back on my head that flew off halfway doing my "trip". Then her horn glowed again and those two pink balls came out of our heads and vanished. "She's gone, huh? Well, at least you're not hurt, and later we could take another look through the books and--"

"I don't know. Maybe we should give up trying this way, because I don't know if even those books can help me."

"Oh. Well, let me know if you want to try it again."

"I will, Twi, and thanks for trying."

---

Later, in front of the yellow double-doors to Twilight's castle, I told Rainbow dash, who came to ask Twilight if she could read some of her new Daring Do books, about my two failed attempts at asking out Diane. I should've thought twice about telling her. After hearing it, she fell on the ground on her back and laughed her head off, and I almost wondered why we're friends.

"Ha ha! Wow! I can get that you're nervous, Eric, but that...ha ha ha!"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. At least one of us can have a good time about me making a fool of myself twice."

After another five seconds, Rainbow cooled it with her laughing, stood up and wiped her eyes. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry, and I'm done. But you really like this 'Diane Heart' huh, Eric?"

"Oh, yeah, a lot! Diane's mane was...and her smile, her green eyes...and--"

Not one for "mushy" stuff, Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Okay, I get it, you really like her. In that case, to make up for laughing at you, I'll help you out."

"You sure you can, because I told you how big a fool I made of myself, and I just couldn't think straight in front of Diane."

Rainbow flew beside me and, while keeping herself airborne by flapping her wings, wrapped a hoof around my upper back. "Yep, I can help, but first I'm gonna tell you the two biggest things you did wrong."

"Okay, what are they?"

"First, you didn't come to me. And second -- and I need you to follow me on this, Eric -- you had Twilight give you romantic tips. Even with books on dating, that egghead would trip on her own hooves if she tried to ask out somepony she liked, and you talking to her, uh telepat-whatever, further distracted you. In fact, you tripping probably meant you spent too much time with Twilight, and with how well you two get along, maybe you should ask her out!"

As much as it's every guy's dream to land a princess, even if Twilight's a pony princess, I responded, "How about 'no' on that last one? Twilight's cute, but asking out a pony that's like my big sister would feel weird as buck, and even if I did, she'd think I'm joking and laugh. But how are you gonna help me?"

"All right, first things first: we gotta get some attitude in you."

"Attitude?"

"Yep, attitude. If we do, you won't keep stuttering when you talk to Diane, which was the fourth biggest thing you did wrong."

"Wait, what was the 'third' biggest thing?"

"You tripping on rocks."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense. So how can I get 'attitude'?"

"It's a frame of mind, Eric. Imagine that you're the biggest, baddest, coolest dude ever and keep thinking it, and you won't feel nervous. Plus, mares love a guy with attitude, so when you're done sweeping Diane off her hooves, she won't be able to take her hooves off you!"

That sure put a smile on my face! "Ooh, I like the sound of that! You really think I can pull it off?"

Rainbow patted me on the back with the hoof she still had on my back and took it off. "Come on, would I lie to you, Eric?"

"Uh..."

"You know what I mean."

Rainbow Dash would help me with my "attitude", and the next day, she thought I was ready to "sweep Diane off her hooves" as she put it.

---

In the middle of a park, with us standing in front of a quietly running water fountain, Rainbow and I spotted Diane sitting on a bench. She faced away from the fountain, about twenty feet away from us, and I guessed she was enjoying the light cool breeze blowing and the sunshine. Rainbow suggested to wear sunglasses to up the "coolness" factor.

"Okay, from what you said, that's Diane, right?"

"Yeah, and *gulp* I'm alrea--"

Rainbow wasn't going to let me pull a pre-assertive Fluttershy, and she covered my mouth with a hoof. "Oh, no you don't, Eric. I told you, just think you're the biggest, baddest, coolest dude ever, and you'll be fine. I know you can do it!"

I couldn't talk, so I nodded, and when Rainbow moved her hoof off my mouth, I took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll do it. I'm the biggest baddest coolest dude ever, I'm the biggest baddest coolest dude ever..."

"That's good. Now get in there and sweep her off her hooves, biggest, baddest, coolest dude ever!"

With Rainbow staying where she was -- unlike Twilight, she didn't think she'd need to hide - I pumped up my chest a bit, and strutted over to the bench Diane sat on. Rainbow's advice was actually helping, and my heart only raced slightly faster this time.

"Oh, hi again, Eric. You look better today, so are you feeling all right?"

In a slightly deeper voice than normal, I replied, "Oh, yep, I'm okay. I was just tired yesterday from working out. In fact, what do you think of these muscles on my arms?" I pointed at my biceps on my left arm, and it was, at best, average-size biceps.

"Umm, they're nice?"

"Ha, 'nice'? These babies could stop a full-grown Dragon! Maybe I'll show you sometime." I kissed the biceps on my arm, trying to look "cool".

Oh, boy, if they could've seen this, Twilight, Starlight, and Spike would have facehoofed/facepalmed so hard you might be able to hear it, and even Tirek would've shaken his head! Rainbow seemed to approve, though, because she didn't try to step in and at least I wasn't sweating this time.

"Uh, that's okay."

"Well, maybe I could show what these muscles can do by building some stuff you need? I'm as strong as a full-grown Earth Pony."

Diane's eyes lit up and she smiled. "You could do that? If you can, I'll love the help because I did need a strong pony to help me build a new room for my house."

"Yeah, I can--" My eyes got big and I froze when I fully realized what I was saying and...oh, buck! I was so busy in the mindset of the 'biggest, baddest, coolest dude' ever, I forgot that I can't actually do the stuff I was bragging about! Worse, forget full-grown Earth Ponies, I'm weaker than Earth Pony fillies, like Apple Bloom! Sometimes I feel really weak in Equestria, with how most Equestrian ponies are naturally stronger and more durable than me.

"In fact, if you're free, and you really don't mind, I could show you what I was talking about."

And now the heartbeats kicked into overdrive, sweat ran down my face again, and I was close to pulling a Twilight and start hyperventilating! I spun my head back and forth, trying to think of a way out of this, before looking to my wrist at the watch I wore. "Oh, uh, look at the time! I'm sorry, Diane, but I gotta...do something. I'll see you later!"

"Okay--"

I ran out of there, and at least I didn't trip on a rock this time. After I got about twenty feet away, Rainbow flew in front of me. "Uh, Eric? What was that about? You had her!"

"No, I didn't! I can't do any of that stuff I was bragging about!"

"What?! I know you can't stop a Dragon, but why did you say you could do the other stuff if you can't do it?! I didn't tell you to do that!"

"Ugh, I knoooow! But I was so busy thinking I'm the 'biggest, baddest, coolest dude' ever, I got carried away!"

"No kidding, and I guess we should've practiced that frame of mind some more. But we could still go back to my place and--"

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't know, Rainbow. Even if we did, I still might put my foot in my mouth, and what I was doing isn't me anyway."

"Well, what are you gonna do now?"

"I don't know, but I know what I'm not going to do: ask out Diane again! But thanks anyway, Rainbow."

"All right. Sorry it didn't work."

That's now three epic failures, and while I was planning on giving up, my other friends would tell me about ideas of their own. Maybe one of them would work?

But as I walked out of the park and back into the busy streets of Ponyville, thanks to what Rainbow said the day before, there was something I couldn't get out of my mind, and it wasn't about the three embarrassing busts.

It was about how I actually got romantic advice from Twilight. Twilight Sparkle! You know who that pony is, right?

Author's Note:

I also can't believe Twilight gave Eric romantic advice, and I wrote this story! Can any of you believe she had it in her?

What kind of advice will Eric's other friends try to give him? Will any of their advice(?) even work?

Comments

[Dashie04]

It’s gonna be slapstick comedy, isn’t it?

[ANW]

Stone:"He's asking her out again, time to embarrass, wait. He did that on his own. But making him trip over me is my favorite part"

[DerpTape]

Calling it now. Either Tom is in love with Diane, and is sending his friends to trip Eric up, or it is actually Chrissy in disguise messing with his head.