• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen 7 minutes ago

Lonely Fanboy48


Sequels1

E

Sunset Shimmer never had any knowledge of what The Crystal Empire is like and wonders what life is like there. When Princess Twilight allows Sunset and her counterpart to come along, she also brings Starlight Glimmer to give them company along the way. On the way there, there will be a surprise Twilight Sparkle will never expect in her entire life.

Thanks to Daniyel099 for editing this.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/292246/Daniyel099

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 17 )

Sci-Twi prolly has a picture of Flurry Heart as her home screen in one alternate universe...

Them, being husband and wife made Twilight’s heart zapped in electrocution.

Um... Is English your native language? Because this line, man...

Not only there will be surprises, but discoveries that will blow Sunset and Twilight forever.

Phrasing.

9627888
I fixed the words and sorry but this is the best I can do. There’s two Twilights and I’m getting sick of mistaken them for someone else.

*halfway through the story and no Flurry Heart*

>.>

9628137
It’s called setting her up until Twilight gets in the castle.

I like the story :twilightsmile:

9628338
If only we get more stuff like this in Equestria Girls. Equestria Girls being it’s own thing has worn out years after Legend Of Everfree.

9628347
Yeah I'm with you on that one

9627888
What does that even mean?

9629368
It means Twilight’s heart is shocked, I wanted to find a different meaning. Sorry it confused you.

9629370
Just say, 'Twilight was shocked'.

9629370

"The realization they were husband and wife hit Twilight's heart like a lightning strike."

See? Easy.

There are all sorts of things that are odd in the phrasing, but what really leaps out at me is how you keep switching from past tense to present and back again, often in the same paragraph.

e.g.

Past Tense
Present Tense

Princess Twilight took her friends to the train station to go to the Crystal Empire for a visit. Her visitors were Sunset Shimmer and her best friend Twilight Sparkle. Starlight also wants to come along since it’s been a while since she parted ways with Sunset and she’s willing to know everything about her.

They get inside the train with Twilight Sparkle wearing a white hood to avoid any contact since people will confuse her as Twilight’s twin sister. They sat at their seats and soon the train honked its horn, giving everypony the signal that they’re off to their destination.

9629390
Those problems are my biggest weakness.

Perhaps call the human Twilight Sci-Twi?

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