• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen 14 minutes ago

Lonely Fanboy48


Sequels1

E

Sunset Shimmer never had any knowledge of what The Crystal Empire is like and wonders what life is like there. When Princess Twilight allows Sunset and her counterpart to come along, she also brings Starlight Glimmer to give them company along the way. On the way there, there will be a surprise Twilight Sparkle will never expect in her entire life.

Thanks to Daniyel099 for editing this.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/292246/Daniyel099

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 29 )

Sci-Twi prolly has a picture of Flurry Heart as her home screen in one alternate universe...

Them, being husband and wife made Twilight’s heart zapped in electrocution.

Um... Is English your native language? Because this line, man...

Not only there will be surprises, but discoveries that will blow Sunset and Twilight forever.

Phrasing.

9627888
I fixed the words and sorry but this is the best I can do. There’s two Twilights and I’m getting sick of mistaken them for someone else.

*halfway through the story and no Flurry Heart*

>.>

9628137
It’s called setting her up until Twilight gets in the castle.

I like the story :twilightsmile:

9628338
If only we get more stuff like this in Equestria Girls. Equestria Girls being it’s own thing has worn out years after Legend Of Everfree.

9628347
Yeah I'm with you on that one

9627888
What does that even mean?

9629368
It means Twilight’s heart is shocked, I wanted to find a different meaning. Sorry it confused you.

9629370
Just say, 'Twilight was shocked'.

9629370

"The realization they were husband and wife hit Twilight's heart like a lightning strike."

See? Easy.

There are all sorts of things that are odd in the phrasing, but what really leaps out at me is how you keep switching from past tense to present and back again, often in the same paragraph.

e.g.

Past Tense
Present Tense

Princess Twilight took her friends to the train station to go to the Crystal Empire for a visit. Her visitors were Sunset Shimmer and her best friend Twilight Sparkle. Starlight also wants to come along since it’s been a while since she parted ways with Sunset and she’s willing to know everything about her.

They get inside the train with Twilight Sparkle wearing a white hood to avoid any contact since people will confuse her as Twilight’s twin sister. They sat at their seats and soon the train honked its horn, giving everypony the signal that they’re off to their destination.

9629390
Those problems are my biggest weakness.

Perhaps call the human Twilight Sci-Twi?

They sat at their seats and soon the train honked its horn, giving everypony the signal that they’re off to their destination.

So they are on this train?
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-rakoon1/images/c/cc/Cadance%27s_train_S4E11.png/revision/latest?cb=20151212201239
I’m pretty sure Equestria doesn’t have Diesel trains. Horns refer to a Diesel engine not a steam engine.

her counterpart a confused look.

“Then maybe in the future I should bring my dog Spike to see what your dragon has in store.” Said Twilight making a smirk.

“Do any one of those questions involve Crystal Prep?” Starlight added.

they wait until they make it to their destination. Not only will there be surprises, but discoveries that will blow Sunset and Twilight forever.

This caused the Princess to glare at Starlight in annoyance.

still one hundred percent unharmed as it protects the kingdom.

On one half of her thoughts, she wants to forgive her for the mistakes she

“That was a long time ago, just please, I’m sure she learned her mistakes.” Shining Armor

Cadence despite having a grudge with Sunset’s actions, has to understand that her sister in law is honest like her cowgirl friend.

What does she mean by cowgirl friend?

She slowly lift her hoof up to give Sunset a hoofshake which she accepts.

“Yeah, it’s not like she’s going to blow the whole Empire in controversial confusion.” Shining Armor responded.

but Cadence uses her alicorn magic to stop her from helping Twilight.

“And I can easily see you also had a brother who never married to the other me right?”

With him being a knight really makes her believe that Equestria is a fairytale come to life.

For the next fifteen minutes or soo, Sunset Shimmer explains everything while Princess Twilight tries her best to discuss why she invited them in the Crystal Empire.

can only see her brother as Cadence’s best friend and nothing more.

Twilight was relieved Flurry wasn’t on her face but she never took care of a baby before, one of the things she didn’t mention out in the open. Flurry flew in front of Twilight thanks to her wings as her tiny hooves got on Twilight’s.

Flurry Heart always listens to her aunt because she trusted her.

“Well since your staying for awhile, you should know what our baby is.

Well that’s easy she’s an alicorn filly!

“Guess you two have a lot in common.” One of the crystal guards said which got the two ponies attention.

9798859
Do I really need to make this perfect? I can respect your criticism but minor things like the Crystal Train really gives me a headache.

9802756
So do I that’s why I pointed it out. :facehoof:

9802760
Sigh...I’m not saying this to disrespect you, I just don’t have good knowledge on everything in this show.

9802765
And apparently on trains as well.

9802767
I never been on a train in my life. And doing research on trains even though I only use them at the beginning of the story is pointless. And I’m not saying that because of different trains in Equestria.

9802774
Well I think that it would be common sense that there are no Diesel engines In Equestria since they burn fossil fuel. Steam engines burnt either wood or coal.

9802779
Okay. If I ever write a story where trains are the focus, I’ll keep that in mind.

Had the potential for a decent story but the spelling and grammar was ATROCIOUS. You really need an editor, and to do some basic research. Not to mention that Dean Cadance and Shining Armor are dating in the human world. Everything about this story was a mess.

10289868
You know you don’t have to be harsh. This story is a year old and my editor did less then what he does now. Also I don’t think Shining Armor and Dean Cadance are dating because they never came back after the events of Friendship Games.

10289911
We never saw Wallflower again after Forgotten Friendship, but that doesn't mean that Sunset isn't still her friend. They're dating, the worlds are parallel. Everything is the same or similar. Really, if you have to use an editor, you shouldn't be writing fanfiction. Take an English class, because this really cane off as the writing if a five-year-old who didn't speak English as their first language.

10290135
Will you please knock it off? This is nowhere near what a five year old can write. English is the only language I have and the force criticism you hammer in isn’t going to make things better. I made out of nowhere fanfic ideas like this so can you please tone down the negatives?

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