Sunset Shimmer never had any knowledge of what The Crystal Empire is like and wonders what life is like there. When Princess Twilight allows Sunset and her counterpart to come along, she also brings Starlight Glimmer to give them company along the way. On the way there, there will be a surprise Twilight Sparkle will never expect in her entire life.
Thanks to Daniyel099 for editing this.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/292246/Daniyel099
Sci-Twi prolly has a picture of Flurry Heart as her home screen in one alternate universe...
Um... Is English your native language? Because this line, man...
Phrasing.
9627888
I fixed the words and sorry but this is the best I can do. There’s two Twilights and I’m getting sick of mistaken them for someone else.
*halfway through the story and no Flurry Heart*
>.>
9628137
It’s called setting her up until Twilight gets in the castle.
I like the story
9628338
If only we get more stuff like this in Equestria Girls. Equestria Girls being it’s own thing has worn out years after Legend Of Everfree.
9628347
Yeah I'm with you on that one
9627888
What does that even mean?
9629368
It means Twilight’s heart is shocked, I wanted to find a different meaning. Sorry it confused you.
9629370
Just say, 'Twilight was shocked'.
9629370
"The realization they were husband and wife hit Twilight's heart like a lightning strike."
See? Easy.
9629386
Thanks.
There are all sorts of things that are odd in the phrasing, but what really leaps out at me is how you keep switching from past tense to present and back again, often in the same paragraph.
e.g.
Past Tense
Present Tense
9629390
Those problems are my biggest weakness.
Perhaps call the human Twilight Sci-Twi?
So they are on this train?
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-rakoon1/images/c/cc/Cadance%27s_train_S4E11.png/revision/latest?cb=20151212201239
I’m pretty sure Equestria doesn’t have Diesel trains. Horns refer to a Diesel engine not a steam engine.
What does she mean by cowgirl friend?
Well that’s easy she’s an alicorn filly!
9798859
Do I really need to make this perfect? I can respect your criticism but minor things like the Crystal Train really gives me a headache.
9802756
So do I that’s why I pointed it out.
9802760
Sigh...I’m not saying this to disrespect you, I just don’t have good knowledge on everything in this show.
9802765
And apparently on trains as well.
9802767
I never been on a train in my life. And doing research on trains even though I only use them at the beginning of the story is pointless. And I’m not saying that because of different trains in Equestria.
9802774
Well I think that it would be common sense that there are no Diesel engines In Equestria since they burn fossil fuel. Steam engines burnt either wood or coal.
9802779
Okay. If I ever write a story where trains are the focus, I’ll keep that in mind.
Had the potential for a decent story but the spelling and grammar was ATROCIOUS. You really need an editor, and to do some basic research. Not to mention that Dean Cadance and Shining Armor are dating in the human world. Everything about this story was a mess.
10289868
You know you don’t have to be harsh. This story is a year old and my editor did less then what he does now. Also I don’t think Shining Armor and Dean Cadance are dating because they never came back after the events of Friendship Games.
10289911
We never saw Wallflower again after Forgotten Friendship, but that doesn't mean that Sunset isn't still her friend. They're dating, the worlds are parallel. Everything is the same or similar. Really, if you have to use an editor, you shouldn't be writing fanfiction. Take an English class, because this really cane off as the writing if a five-year-old who didn't speak English as their first language.
10290135
Will you please knock it off? This is nowhere near what a five year old can write. English is the only language I have and the force criticism you hammer in isn’t going to make things better. I made out of nowhere fanfic ideas like this so can you please tone down the negatives?
10289868
I think you meant a high tier editor.