(Past Chapter 17): The Champion
The first time one of my creations turned on me, I didn't get there in time.
God, this feels incredible. I might not have been too crazy over bathing as more than a matter of hygiene, but that was before I managed to get my personal Bacta Tank up and running. I've been getting injured way too many times for my own good, and I'm pretty sure some of my joints have been starting to go as well.
Now I just hop in a tank of molten healing crystals and I'm right as rain. Of course, it would have been utterly insane to even consider this form of treatment, before Blast Day.
Who would have thought that heat resistance could be quite this useful? Well, me, apparently.
Apparently, due to Healing Crystals being made of enchanted salt, they normally need to be absorbed in order to function at their maximum potential. Something that was a hassle before, as simply eating it would make it take as long as eight hours to heal the subject due to the limitations of digestion. Even slower than if the crystals were simply applied to the skin directly, or via acupuncture needles.
Of course, that simply made me realize that salt has a relatively low melting point, all things considered.
The pod begins to drain, as a light attached to the device blinks green, indicating that my body is now at it's healthiest. Good work body.
As soon as the last of the salty magical goodness has swirled down into the drain to be purified and cycled back in, I shake off the hardening crust and step outside, chugging a large sapphire urn filled with water, placed strategically next to the healing pod.
Turns out, bathing in salt is also a great way to dehydrate the shit out of you. Who knew.
I groan slightly at the realization that I still owe Captain Iron Diamond and his demonic ally of torture, Captain Helmsplitter another hour of training. This little temporary reprieve was just that. Temporary.
"So you can't do cool dragon stuff, Doc? That's!"
Ruby drops down and begins doing one-fingered pushups to accentuate his points.
"Super! One! Lame! Two!"
Dr. Real sighs, ignoring his son's antics. "No, I'm not nearly so mad as Weiss Noir. What happened to him was a one-in-a-million, extremely unnatural occurrence.
"As unnatural as it may appear, the affliction that overtook the rest of the Shadow Realm hasn't changed what we are on the inside. I still lack sufficient greed to do the same things you all can do."
When Padparadscha looks downcast at this, and Ruby's pushups intensify, Dr. Real ponders something to comfort the children. "Although, it might be possible if the spell were... Extremely, extremely weak."
Sapphire, who had been listening silently as he sat on Dr. Real's couch, speaks up at this. "The research."
Dr. Real nods. "Ponies have been feeling stronger emotions overall, since the event. I'll bring the matter up with Weiss to see if it is possible. Would that make the three of you feel better?"
Ruby's pushups conclude as he flops to the floor, while Paddy simply nods, his tail flicking from left to right rapidly.
Sapphire suddenly stands up from the reinforced couch. "I'm going to the arena."
"Very well Sapphire. Stay safe, yes?" Dr. Real scratches his head, still trying to comprehend the blue dragon's taciturn behavior, swiveling back around in his chair to face his desk. The holographic interface in front of him displays the various reports from Shadow Realm Citizens, among the ones who came in for experiments.
To be frank, Dr. Real has been somewhat jealous of Lord Weiss as of late. Apparently, instead of using voice recognition or mouthwriting with a stylus like a normal pony, the unicorn has been using his extra limbs to operate some sort of keyboard. It certainly seems faster, considering Weiss finishes his paperwork in minutes, and Dr. Real still has six-hundred reports to go through...
"Why is it always in the fucking head!" I shout, stumbling back over to the table to drink some water.
"Because it's still working. You'll learn to cover your face better if I have to flatten it." Iron Diamond responds, the set of two golem arms on his back clenching and unclenching as he tests their strength and dexterity, switching the crystal mace between his hands.
I groan, rolling my eyes. "Ugh. Can we just move on to swords already?"
Iron Diamond gives a long-suffering sigh, while this match's only observer, Helmsplitter, is simply confused, having missed the context.
"I don't understand your obsession with swords. A spear would work a lot better in almost all circumstances, Lord Weiss."
After a moment, Iron diamond quietly rolls his eyes. "Fine, whatever, we can move on to swords. I'll need two blunted ones."
"And two for me?" I say, making Iron Diamond breathe deeply through his nose, as the fire on top of his head sharpens to a point.
"Lord Weiss, with all due respect, you can't handle yourself in a fight with zero weapons. Please, can we start with just one apiece? And a set of buckler shields. Do you know what those look like?" He says, glaring me into submission as I meekly create the two Royal Adamantium short-swords, blunted as requested, and a set of bucklers with Royal Cloth straps.
I toss one of the sets to him, while I draw the other one out of the ground fully, holding it in one of my hands, and strapping the buckler to another arm. I then cross the rest of my arms behind my back awkwardly to keep them out of my way.
Iron Diamond might not have any more experience than I do with holding weapons in a hand instead of teeth or hooves, but he's also almost twenty years my senior on the field of combat, and he had taken to my newfangled fighting technology faster than I could develop it.
The fact that he is using Golem Limbs attached to his back instead of the one replacing his leg indicates just how vastly he's holding back against me. Of course, the fact that he's using weapons at all, instead of just using one of his steel-twisting bucks to turn me into wall-paint indicated that just fine, after he gave a demonstration of why he was holding back during our training.
"When it comes to a sword, everything begins with your stance." Iron Diamond says.
I find myself tempted to continue with "You do it for him", but I've learned not to dick around too much when Iron Diamond is in control of how many bruises I get.
"You want a low stance, and you want to keep your eyes on my entire torso at all times. Grip your sword as tight as you can manage without harming your ability to control it."
As he swings his sword at me, I hold up my buckler, blocking the swing with a glassy click as the nearly indestructible weapons collide.
"Lower, and wider as well. Keep the sword in front of you." Helmsplitter comments from the sidelines, watching our fight with his own intentness.
I try to obey, but as soon as I move my sword, Iron Diamond swings again, much harder than before.
"Pay attention, you need to absorb information without compromising your focus."
This isn't nearly as fun as I envisioned it.
The mechanized pony lashes out with a rapid series of bucks, before a large piston erupts from its stomach, flipping it into the air and out of the way of the stream of flames from its opponent, a dragon-shaped golem with wicked claws.
As the Groundpounder lands with the loud ring of crystal striking stone, it gallops rapidly towards Freedomfire, it's opponent, dropping into a slide as it skids underneath another wave of fire, and, belly-up underneath the enemy golem, it's stomach-piston fires out again, shattering Freedomfire's armor, and making a loud bell ring out, signaling the end of the match.
Large cranes above the arena slowly move into position, and then rapidly drop down, grabbing the golems and safely depositing them with their respective teams.
"And that concludes Round-Three of the Enchantussle tournament, let's give a round of applause for team Freedomfire and Groundpounder, everypony!" the announcer shouts, waving a hoof towards the two teams, who are shaking hooves and chattering among themselves.
"Man, Miss Flash, you really kicked Freedomfire's flank, that tummy-thing is no joke." the orange-coated and topaz-scaled pony says, while the rest of his team works on repairing the golem's chest, which had been completely shattered and caved in.
Eclipse Flash preens at the praise. "It really isn't. I used an Impact-Storage charm to build up the kinetic energy though, so it isn't one-hundred-percent reliable."
The other pony seems to consider this, before shaking his head with a smile. "Well, you won't beat us next time, mark my words, Miss Flash, Freedomfire is going to be the best golem on the circuit!"
"I'll look forward to it!" Eclipse retorts, thrilled at the idea of Groundpounder facing off against such an impressive foe again.
As she walks over to the rest area, Priss is there, giving Eclipse a funny look. "I thought you hated fighting, what's got you so excited about this? I didn't even know you were doing golem fights."
Eclipse shrugs. "I mean, I'm not a fan of ponies fighting, but golems? That's entirely different, we're helping push Shadow Realm combat magic ahead with this, and nopony's getting hurt."
"Why'd you want me on your team, anyway? I don't know the first thing about enchanting," Priss continues.
Eclipse shrugs. "Moral support? You're really good at trash-talking, and that's an important part of golem combat."
Priss is tempted to call ponyfeathers on that, but holds herself back. "Alright, well, if you need me, then I suppose I can deign to stick around."
Eclipse nods gratefully, pulling a sheet of paper and a pen out of her saddlebags. "Anyway, I didn't really consider how it might be odd that I like golem fighting more than actual fighting. It'll make a good foeship report."
Priss just leans back in her chair, intent on getting some shuteye while her friend does her thing, before a tan pony in a suit walks in, looking busy with a crystalline tank of something on his back.
"Sorry ladies, I've gotta spray this room down, mind waiting outside for a bit?"
Priss groans, while Eclipse simply obeys neutrally, and the pair decide to take the opportunity to go hang out at their clubhouse.
Glitter Bomb isn't enjoying this.
"You idiot! I can say it until I'm blue in the face, but you just don't listen. For the rest of you, let me say it again. Do not detonate Rupture Drops near other Rupture Drops! Do not detonate Rupture Drops near the fuses! Do not store Rupture Drops with the fuses!"
Glitter Bomb's yellow and orange mustache practically licks the sides of the tunnel as the flames erupt from both sides of his face when he turns to face the pony who had accidentally done all three of those things, and destroyed a twelve-ton amethyst crystal that very well could have been one-in-a-million.
"As for you, get your ash out of here, because you're off this project! Go find another job!"
His statement clearly made, Glitter Bomb turns and bucks the stallion down the hall, where they scramble to their feet and run off, unharmed aside from some light bruising to their ego.
Glitter Bomb sighs as the yellow scales on his hooves recede back down below his knees, having spread temporarily during his fit of anger. "Alright, the rest of you, let's get back to work salvaging this mess. We can get some drinks at Drop Kick's after this. On me."
"Yes sir Boss!" The miners shout in unison, cheerfully going back to their jobs with fervor, increased focus, and at least a small amount of schadenfreude-fueled morale.
Glitter Bomb hears a squish when he goes to make the trot to his office to report a certain Mr. Hardheaded for incompetence.
Lifting his hoof, he sees that a bug made it's way underneath, prompting him to wipe his hoof off with some disgust.
Lord Weiss Noir,
Today I've learned a valuable lesson in foeship. Where normally, I dislike violence, I've come to realize that this feeling is more complex than I had once believed. Ever since I've begun to participate in the golem combat circuits in Wacky Workbench, I've found myself thrilled and delighted by the experience of designing my own war machine, and pitting it against others in the arena. My belief is that violence may be more enjoyable via proxy for some ponies, and that it's easy to inflict violence on others when you don't have to do it yourself, or when you're inflicting it on a non-person.
Your Traitorous Student, Eclipse Flash.
I read the letter, trying to rub the cramp out of my leg while I sit on the bench nearby. Iron Diamond and Helmsplitter are discussing something just out of earshot. Probably new and creative tortures to inflict on me as soon as I'm done recovering.
So Eclipse Flash is into golems, huh? Maybe I should make an effort to participate in that little patch of entertainment. I've got a few golems lying around collecting dust, so I'd probably just have to have them retrofitted to not have some of their spicier weapons.
Iron Diamond approaches me with what appears to be bad news.
"Sir, if I had any talent with fancy speeches, I would probably say this more politely, but-"
"You stink at this. Now, I can still fix that. I've taught more hopeless cases than you, but it's going to take time. A lot of time."
Jeeze, tell me how you really feel, Iron. I don't think my poor heart was wounded enough by that.
"So here's what I want to try instead."
Iron Diamond pulls out a set of padded gear, including what seem to be comically overstuffed boots.
"Brawling. It's mindless, and you can learn it from a teacher a lot more capable than me. The teacher I'm referring to is Pain."
I consider his words while I strap on the safety gear. I guess it couldn't hurt to try this. Maybe I'll have fewer bruises now that we aren't using weapons.
'Ha! What a joke.' I think to myself when I see Iron Diamond throw a few cursory kicks as he adjusts to the weight of the padded horseshoes. I swear I heard cracks, and he's not even hitting anything.
I feel an honest to god sweatdrop on my head as I quickly speak. "Uhh! Actually, before we start, I should probably take care of some stuff, take another dip in the healing pod, just so, uhh, we have the rest of today to train uninterrupted?"
Iron Diamond's blank expression bears down on me. "Sure thing. I'll hold you to it."
I feel especially doomed as I trot out of the room, the sound of cracking air fading away entirely too slowly for my liking.
The gigantic golem that Weiss apparently sent over comes complete with a small letter stapled to its shoulder.
"To my Least Trustworthy Student,
Say hello to El Toro! I dug up one of my old mecha and took out all the spicy bits, I'll start showing up to some of your matches after my bones finish healing, but until then, you can use this puppy, I wasn't using it anyway, so feel free to make any adjustments you want, you know what you're doing.
Your Evil Overlord, Weiss Noir."
Priss reads, looking over the large metal bull with interest. Most of the competition golems are made out of crystal, leaving her suspicious of its durability, but... Well, a gift's a gift, even if it is a fixer-upper.
Taking a power nap, she sends a quick dream to Jerryrig.
"Hey, Jerry, when you get a chance, do you think you could ask Heavy Hauler for some more vibrant vibranium? If he's got any, that is. I've got a new golem I wanted to try out, but Lord Weiss put some kind of metal garbage on it."
Waking up several minutes later with a yawn, Eclipse returns to the bull and detaches the plate on its chest, revealing that the golem is hollow inside.
"Huh. So it's like some kind of golem armor. Weird," Eclipse mumbles to herself, digging around in the machine's innards, before her Moon Crystal pings with an unread message, which she taps idly, making a hologram appear above it.
"Sorry, Eclipse, bro's only got one extra plate left, you can come to pick it up whenever, though. Sorry about that!" Jerryrig says before the message ends.
Eclipse rolls her eyes and groans. "Guess I know what I'm using it for."
Later that day, Eclipse goes on to attach the crystal plate to El Toro's chest after adjusting it's internal crystal control units, calling it done for now as she wheels it into a closet, and locks the door for now.
She fails to notice the skittering in the dark as she leaves the clubhouse.
My healing tank bleeps an angry red, indicating that someone REALLY needs me to not be in the pod.
I start the pod to draining, as I rip the straps off of me via Prestidigitonium, opening the pod to the sight of a hologram displaying a Code 1 in Wacky Workbench.
Namely, that something built in the Shadow Realm has turned on us, and is currently on a rampage.
"Fuck me." I spit out some salt and grab my water urn as I limp as fast as I can to the arena, chugging while I run.
What the hell could have happened to make a golem of all things go on a rampage?
Could be anything, maybe some sort of greed corruption, or a misaligned black crystal?
God, I hope someone didn't hijack the radio network or something.
By the time I get there, I'm too late.
Half an hour before Weiss's rude awakening, Eclipse is prepared to put the El Toro to the test in today's match.
Priss observes, as team Groundpounder's sole other member.
"Woo, you go Eclipse," Priss says, waving a tiny flag as she stares over the arena with a half-lidded gaze.
Eclipse giggles at Priss's halfhearted cheering, as she prepares to command her new golem.
"Alright, El Toro, activate!"
The Golem's red eyes light up, while its nose snorts out a hiss of steam. Mechanized muscles begin to pump, while its horns begin to glow white-hot as their temperature increases.
On the other side of the arena, a golem made entirely of fixed spinning drills begins to rattle around violently, glittering yellow armor plates jammed into the golem on various locations.
"Alright everypony, let's all direct our eyes to the arena for today's match, Team Groundpounder's El Toro, verses Team Woodchuck's Princess Urchin!" A tall, waifish mare says, flickering hair swaying smoothly as she gestures to the two teams animatedly.
Eclipse Flash's holographic screen brightens as she activates the verbal control systems.
She holds a hoof up. "Let the match... Begin!" she finishes, swiping her hoof down to begin the combat.
"El Toro, charge!" Eclipse Flash yells, prompting the mechanical bull to scrape the ground before charging towards the rattling, bouncing opponent.
Princess Urchin's drills begin to thrash wildly, spinning at incredible speed. This unpredictable spray of sparks and stone sends the golem flying into the air while El Toro charges the empty space where it was fruitlessly.
At this stage, Princess Urchin's second function makes itself apparent, as a small burst of magical force emitted from the golem adjusts it's course perfectly to land on El Toro.
What is stunning, however, is the total lack of damage even three crystal drills driving into the golem does, the weapons sparking uselessly against El Toro's unknown alloy.
"Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have replaced that chest plate... Seems like whatever Weiss had on it in the first place is a heck of a lot stronger." Eclipse mumbles, softly enough to make Priss's ears twitch involuntarily.
"El Toro, buck them off!" Eclipse shouts into her holographic control unit, making the brazen bull obey, tilting forward sharply to launch Princess Urchin, before a set of hooves fly back, sending it crashing into the wall, where it explodes into a pile of drills.
"Ooh boy, looks like Team Woodchuck is going to have a hard time putting their golem back together folks! Let's give a hand for..." The announcer lady pauses when El Toro snorts again, scuffing the ground with a hoof as it looks around jerkily.
"Erm, Team Groundpounder, please deactivate your golem!" The announcer lady says before yelping when El Toro's white-hot horn prods the wall beneath the announcer's balcony, making it tilt dangerously.
Eclipse is slamming all the buttons on her holographic display, slowly realizing that something is wrong.
"It's not shutting down, I don't know why!
"El Toro, shut down immediately!" Eclipse shouts, slamming her hoof onto the "Emergency Shutdown" switch.
The Golem's eyes dim, and it sags slightly as it's horns cool. Suddenly, however, it's black gaze turns back on the announcer's box, as it moves jerkily back into a full standing position.
Priss stands up, concerned. "Why is it still moving?"
Eclipse scratches her head. "I don't know, the golem is shut down! There's no power going anywhere!" It's at this point that she spots a bug scuttling around the arena that had fallen off of El Toro before skittering back into a gap in its armor.
Eclipse Flash's eyes widen, as the bull butts its head into the wall with a snort of steam.
"It's infested with Wannabeetles, they're making it act like just like a real giant bull monster! Priss, we've got to do something, or that pony's going to fall!"
Priss gallops around to the chain-link fence separating the arena and kicks it with her front hooves.
'Well, if it's acting like the real deal, then this should work...'
"Hey, freak! Over here you useless pile of scrap!" Priss shouts, making the bull turn to face her instead.
With a dull chitinous roar, El Toro charges the fence, prompting Priss to activate her Shock Leap Materia at the last second, leaping over the automaton entirely, and directly towards the announcer's booth.
"Gosh, that stings! Lady, I'm going to throw you, you gotta get out of here, ok?" The fully grown mare nods with no small amount of fear before Priss activates her Throwback Materia and bucks the announcer over the fence and into the rest of the crowd, who have already started to panic and run away as El Toro turns to face them.
Priss growls as the bull construct seems to have lost interest in her. "Hey, El ToRoach, I thought you were mad? Come on, show me what you've got, or are you so scared that you'll rust your pants first?!"
The Bull turns back to face her again, its eyes slowly lighting back up with red light as it scuffs the ground, before charging the booth head-on.
This time, however, Priss is unprepared for its speed, and shouts with alarm when it's bullrush crashes into the wall, sending the balcony, and her along with it tumbling to the arena floor.
Priss briefly panics at the Bull staring her down from the other side of the arena, before she sees it's chest glittering from the crystal armor that Eclipse Flash had to retrofit it with.
She looks behind her, seeing one of the Princess Urchin's drills gleam ominously.
She activates her Royal Crystal Growth charm, allowing her to grow a large tarp made of red glittering fabric, which she grabs in her mouth, flapping it wildly at the bull to hide the drill behind her.
"Come on you bucket of rocks! Are you a bull or are you a chicken? Bugs like you aught to be squashed if they can't even pilot Weiss's garbage right! Come on, let's see that charge again, see if you can gallop instead of skitter!"
The bull charges her in a mad rage, so fast that her desperate leap to the side takes her right in front of its right horn, the wicked spike poised directly in front of her chest, and it's face covered with disgusting beetles.
Moments frozen in time begin to pass once again, as her leap takes her just barely out of the way of peril, rolling along the ground as she hears a violently loud crack.
Looking over, she spots the gross tide of bugs swarming out of El Toro, gushing from the shattered chest plate of the construct.
She also feels a weird itch on her flanks that has her leaping up and backing away from the bugs with no small amount of shuddering and wiggling out of fear that one of the bugs got on her or something.
"And that's the story." Eclipse Flash finishes, while I finish my rudimentary checkup of Priss, not finding any real injuries.
"Ugh, I can't believe I missed it! I swear to god, I'm going to have to get teleporters or something. This is ridiculous. Missing an honest to god bullfight with a gigantic robotic bull," I shake my head with pure suffering in my heart. I bet it looked totally badass, too.
"What you did was very stupid. But you also ended up not paying for it. As ruler of the Shadow Realm, I sentence you to three months of training to dodge better, because I'm fairly certain I can't convince you not to do this again if a similar situation arises," I say, familiar with how rambunctious magic pony children function in the face of wacky weekly dangers.
Priss shrugs. "I've always been good at taunting you, Weiss. So I figured taunting the rampaging monster would only be slightly more difficult."
I give her an unamused stare. "I guess that explains the cutie mark at least."
Priss looks to her flanks, where a mischievous smiley-face with two small devil horns is printed on a bright red cape.
"Huh. I guess it does...!"
Eclipse scratches her chin. "What I don't get is how that plan of yours even worked, the math doesn't add up, that crystal armor plate on its chest was rated to withstand at least twice as much force. Where did the power come from to make the drill punch through its chest when it charged into it?"
Priss's eyes widen when she thinks back to the moment when she leapt out of the way of the bull's horns.
"I felt really disgusted when I was trying to get out of the way, and I wanted to break that bull. Didn't you say that that's the sole two ingredients for a spell, Weiss?"
I scratch my own chin this time.
"I mean, it's worth testing," I say, as I dramatically squish a bug skittering by beneath my hoof.
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Priss the future trash talking anti-hero saga humble beginning!
So that's what happened
Odd how this chapter and the next one only have two comments on each despite the ones before and after it having quite a few more. Is there some sort of event going on that I just don't know about?
9741741
According to the stats for this fic, there's roughly 60 readers or so who skip every single past chapter.
That could be it.
9741774
Clearly those 60 people are objectively wrong. The past chapters definitely have a different tone and style compared to the present chapters, but that's part of what makes them great. it's like getting two stories in one.
9741774
It is kind of weird shifting between past and present. I considered reading the all past chapters first, then present chapters but I didn't want to miss out on any connections between the two you might have slipped in, especially if they contained spoilers.