• Member Since 23rd May, 2013
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Gaze within the Holocron and see what stories it has to tell.

Comments ( 9 )
Comment posted by TheUndeadEmpire deleted Jul 8th, 2019

That was hot my friend and I can't wait for more of these sexy stories.

In your story blurb you say rarity and sweetie belle are noticing that X people are doing Y, but you don't say the 'are doing Y' part. You just put the period after listing off the characters.

Thank you for noticing, corrected. :twilightsmile:

okay soooo why do they feel the need to get knocked up?

The story only mentions it seems to be happening, but no indication of why is given. I get it's not really suppose to be that important to the story, but I still find it a bit weird.

Outside of Story: Because that is what the requester wanted.
Inside of Story: Personally I think the mares just are at that point where they want children.

“Oh, I believe we can convince him.” Rarity nodded, making sure to use her arms to rub her C cup breasts together. “Let’s see if we can.”

Did you know that cup size doesn’t directly correlate to breast size? Breasts, like many aspects of all humanity, tend to manifest in a wide variety of sizes and shapes, and not every pair of breasts put into a specific cup size will be exactly the same.

I think that my major criticism here is that too much happens. The sex quickly became repetitive and same-y, which is the worst thing to possibly happen in a threesome work. Rarity and Sweetie Belle were basically the same character, which wasn’t particularly interesting to read - in canon, they have a lot of contrast that could be used to great erotic effect. And there was no real conflict, either - no real hook to grab me other than “father fucks his hot daughters”. Even Brazzers videos tend to have at least some kind of characterization you can hang onto.

Did the commissioner have you enter this piece into the contest? Do they expect a return on investment should you win? I’m not sure. I really wanted more out of this fic than what I was getting from it.

The story felt a little repetitive. Just them being knocked up over and over. Maybe have some different variety of activities have it gradually escalate.

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