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The Sail-ening1,099 words
The Sail-ening 2: Pirate Scootaloo900 words
Yar Har Fiddle-Deez Nuts Part 3: By Celestia's Beard (Her Son's, Mostly)858 words

The Sail-ening

His mother was a terrible mare. So terribly terrible that she terrorized him as a foal. Okay, well, not really terrorized him, just gave him a bad name and everypony made fun of him for it in school. That's why he hated school. But we're not here to learn about his foalhood—maybe a bit, but not entirely. Either way, his foalhood sucked and he didn't like it, his name, and his mother. And if there's anything he hated most about her, it was that she hated pirates.

Yep, that's right, he hated that she hated pirates. As a young colt, Captain Sprinkletits always wanted to be a pirate. Not because it was cool or in, these days, only solely because he wanted to spite her. And that's what he did.

As he grew up, he kept his disgusting name and bought himself a ship with bits he got for selling pirated showtunes. She absolutely abhorred that. However, that wasn't all he did, no.

He named the ship after his father, a stallion she hated more than piracy itself—namely because he invented piracy, but that's a story for another time. Yessir, Captain Piratey the Pirate was a stallion of many things.

And now one of those things was a ship, apparently. Captain Sprinkletits named his beloved galleon the S.U.P.—Super Ultra Pirate, for those unaware—Piratey Pirate Ship. Suppps, for short, but that never stuck for some reason. In the end, his mother was so mad. Couldn't do anything about it, though.

Hey, it's her fault. She named him this way. Anyway, dear reader, now it's time for you to learn of the many adventures of Captain Sprinkletits and his beloved ship. Because, y'know, he brags about them. A lot.

. . . . .

"Hasten the main sails!"

"Aye, cap'n!"

"Keel haul the weak!"

"Be doin' that now, cap!"

"Other pirate words!"

"Yarr!"

The beige pegasus continued to shout words at himself, doing every deed after he spoke. A crew of one, was he, and he liked it that way. Really, it was because he didn't trust other pirates on his ship. They might've pirated his stuff, for all he knew. Alone, though he may have been, he sailed with glee unto the horizon.

Approximately seven hundred and sixty meters of sea to sail and it was all his. Approximately, because his mom wouldn't let him go any further. Yet, anyway. From one end, he bootlegged stuff to those ponies on the other side, the likes of which they had never seen, selling all his booty for bits a'plenty. From the other, he shantied his heart out at one of the local taverns. Of course, everypony hated it when he shantied, he couldn't carry a tune to save his life, but he shantied nonetheless. With pride, for that matter.

The ponies couldn't do anything, anyway. He was a pirate! The best pirate there ever was~~, his father, not withstanding~~! They feared him and his mighty roar. Well, more his mother than anything, but that's beside the point too. To them, he was a~~n annoyance~~ villain who did as he pleased... and he loved it.

"Set sail for Ponyville!" And he was on his way now. His violet eyes stared half-lid at his destination, the quaint little town across the ~~other side of the beach~~ sea. Tonight, he wasn't longing for drink and a hearty tune, no, tonight he longed for the richest booty of all the booty.

Tonight, he longed for the myth, the fable only remembered in legend... he longed for The Tree of Harmony, and nothing was going to stand in his way!

. . . . .

"Who, um, who are you and why are you trying to pull The Tree of Harmony from the ground?"

"Yarr, I be Captain Sprinkletits! Dread pirate extraor—eughh!—dinaire."

"Captain Sprinkletits?"

"Aye... an unfortunate moniker given to me by me atrocious mother, arghh..."

"The Captain Sprinkletits?"

. . . . .

"No." Twilight Sparkle was not having a good day. After Tirek, she was aiding alongside many others in the restoration of Ponyville. Part of that restoration was, well, restoring the cave The Tree of Harmony resided within. Giving a ponymade beauty to the walls that housed it. However, she'd come across a little snag. Upon entering the cave, solely to make sure everything was hunky-dory, she'd met an odd stallion. One she'd never seen before until today. Amongst their initial greetings, he seemed like a well enough fellow, but once he'd uttered his name, all amiability was lost.

Who stood before her but none other than...

Captain Sprinkletits, the dread pirate of not even half a sea... who had instantly tried to pull the tree from its roots once more, even as he tried to maintain the conversation. The nerve!

"What do ye mean no, ye scallyhag?!" She gasped at his atrocious speech and usage of botched piratespeak, which both hadn't shown as blatantly upon their introductions. He hefted at the tree with his hind legs and flapped his wings as hard as he could to try and rip The Tree of Harmony from the earthen crust. Of course, it was to no avail. Not only had he likely succeeded in throwing his back out in the years to come, but allied with Twilight's now flared magicks, the tree wasn't going anywhere, anytime fast.

"Firstly, scallywag. Secondly, because no! You can't uproot the one totem of good Equestria has! Let alone by yourself." She tried to reason with the potentially unstable stallion, but everything turned bottom's up, quickly. Sprinkletits glared at her and stuck his tongue out at the Princess of Friendship.

"Yarr! I don't need be needing any help, mate." She wanted to punch him. She wanted to punch him so bad. But she's the Princess of Friendship; the embodiment of all that is camaraderie, ties, and what have you. She settled with clenched teeth. "And why not, anyway, ye wench?" He asked as he bluntly ignored the scowl sent his way.

"I just-I-aghhh!" She screamed. She'd had it up to here, with him. He didn't notice, nor did he care.

"It's arghhh, ye dummy."

"I said no! That's why!" This caused a pause. A pout flashed across his face, hurt evident behind his eyes. He almost looked as if... oh, he'd started to cry.

"I'm gonna tell my mom on you!" And at this point? She didn't care.

"Yeah? What's your mother going to do to me, huh?" She took back all teachings of friendship just for this moment. Sick and tired was she of his game, his roleplaying.

"Ye should know! She be yer scurvy dog of a teacher."

"Oh," Twilight stopped, "oh no."

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