• Member Since 6th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 42 minutes ago

The 24th Pegasus


Author of the Commander Hurricane series (A Song of Storms), co-founder of the Price of Loyalty universe, and overall world building fanatic. Join my discord!

T
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I hated her.

She took everything from me.

I wanted to take everything from her.

Then she gave something back to me.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 16 )

This... didn't quite work for me. I'm not downvoting, 'cause I'm sure at least part of that is conflicting headcanon when it comes to Adagio's character, but the ending just didn't feel earned to me, I think mostly because of how sudden it is. I could've bought it if the story had shown Adagio more gradually finding her motives shifting from getting revenge to just enjoying Sunset's company, but as it is it's like her view of Sunset changes on a dime all because of a kiss, and when the first half of the story takes the time to set up how fixated she is on vengeance, I just don't see the ending being true to her character here.

This is where headcanon comes in, but especially after how she ruminates on her body being a potent weapon, one imagines this isn't her first seduction attempt or bout of physical intimacy, so I'm left wondering how Sunset is so mind-blowingly amazing that someone with a thousand years of experience is smitten at first kiss--the description says 'she gave something back to me,' but I don't have a clear image, reading this story, what exactly that something is and why it's such a big deal.

So, sorry, I like the concept of this story, and I might've liked it more had it been given a bit more space and time to develop, but as it is this just felt rushed and flat for it.

I found this to be well done. How Adagio originally wanted revenge so badly that she didn't notice she was falling for Sunset. How she had to keep reminding herself it was all for revenge, displayed the struggle she didn't even realize she was having well.

In the end when she gave up on what she thought she wanted and accepted what she didn't know she needed by 'getting caught in her own trap' was also well portrayed.

All in all, a well written SunDagio ship.

I'd like to see a follow-up to this, maybe a first date? Some light drama to showcase some of a couple dynamic? Redemption hints?

Guess no plans survives contact here in this ship fic

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I’m not as experienced of a Siren writer as Naiad is, but by and large, I agree. The issue I had with it that made it seem a bit more rushed for me was the relative lack of dialogue.

You know that Elvis lyric, “a little less conversation, a little more action?” I find that structure works well in some stories, especially when we’re really delving into one character’s psyche. Pre-reformation Starlight is a character I can see having a huge narrative rant in a fanfiction, bragging about how she’s going to get revenge on Twilight a ton before actually doing it, but Adagio isn’t for me. Adagio revenge stories like yours are written to be sexy, seductive, yet redeeming, but I don’t get that feel from this. Largely, the narration bogged it down and made it so that it told a lot more than it showed.

I know this isn’t something writers typically want to hear, but it’s something that improves with time and practice. I tried writing a story in college based off a reality show confessional format, with next to no dialogue, and it bombed hard. It was then that I realized that I was genuinely scared of writing realistic dialogue, and that was why I fell into narration so much. It’s a tough balance that plagues a lot of writers (hell, I still have some older fics still up on the site with this exact problem), which is why I can’t fault you or downvote you for it. It’s not even just a newbie mistake. It’s a struggle, and I hope you’ll take my words to heart and use them to improve your writing even more.

Interesting. Could stand to be a bit more drawn out but the internal logic of Adagio was amusing.

aceina #8 · May 3rd, 2019 · · 1 ·

needxs more than just 1 chapter

And that's how I met your mother

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I agree with aceina, it needs a little more than that.

Probably not the most healthy way to begin a relationship, but then again expecting Adagio to do anything in a particularly mentally healthy way is probably a bit much to ask for.

Weird Stockholm flex but ok

I loved this. At first I didn't like that the story was playing out in first person by Adagio, but it turns out it only made the emotions more intense. I like the choice of words and how smoothly the scene evolves, not too fast and not too slow. I don't like most of this ship's stories cause usually Adagio appears out of character, too emotional or too shallow, but this one is just right. Would love to read more like this.

I want to see a sequel to this so badly that it hurts! :rainbowlaugh:

rapport as hollow as a conch shell

A conch shell maybe hollow but it is also very solid. The conch feed on sea urchin after all.

Plan failed successfully!

Ah, young hate love.

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