- Member Since 28th Aug, 2011
- offline last seen Apr 20th, 2020
Jonny Manz
Someday, I will be a somebody, but for now, I will be a nobody.
Jonny Manz
Joined 28th Aug, 2011 ·
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9600755
Indeed - it was an interesting challenge to write, if only for the fact that I don't ship it (GallStream is my OTP, hence the overt references to it in the first chapter).
I knew I wanted to focus on one of the Young Six, and Silverstream was the only viable candidate - as Gallus obviously has no siblings, Sandbar's, Yona's, and Ocellus's siblings are all too young for such a thing to work (I have no confidence that if I attempted it, it wouldn't just turn into the ultimate squick), and Smolder... well, actually, Smolder could've worked, especially if in the upcoming S9E9, her brother turns out to be Garble. I know I could've made that assumption, but I didn't want to simply for the fact that if it turns out to be someone else, the story would've become awkward for me, and I really didn't want that to happen.
Contest judge leaving some thoughts.
Briefly I'll say I was glad for something a little different. The Hippogriffs are definitely a largely untapped source of inspiration as far as clopfics go. And with these particular characters, there's also the seapony side, too. Your writing is generally solid, so I was interested to see where things would go. I did run into a few things which I think could have been improved though.
From a more subjective story perspective, I ended up not liking the flashback/forward concept. I think I get what you were trying there, but in all honesty I think it would have been better to stick to one or the other. Whenever a shift in time occurs in a story, it throws the current flow and narrative into a halt. The thoughts, feelings and mood of one scene is put on hold and I have to re-establish that mood in my mind again, even though both scenes are similar.
Where this felt particularly strange is that the taboo element of what they were doing was sort of in reverse, narratively. They expressed their shame and embarrassment in the present, but not so much in the past. I would have expected those feelings to be strongest in the past, and eroded after two years in the future.
Still, you did at least touch on the taboo element which, shockingly, isn't always common in incest fics for some reason so I definitely appreciate that you made it an element of your story.
From a technical perspective? I think your writing is pretty good. The biggest area for improvement is likely in show vs tell. There were many instances where you explained the characters feeling or thinking something which could be better shown. I'll give two examples:
What's kind of odd is that you do both here. You tell me she's smiling, and then you show her smile. You really only need to do one or the other. Preferably show.
Also, 'couldnt help but to' is one of those phrases that seems like it's saying something but really isn't. If you describe the character doing something then obviously she couldn't help but do it: she just did it.
Second:
Word repetition of 'absolutely' aside... Simply put, telling me Silverstream knows something or feels something is a more detached and impersonal way of just describing those things. These are filtering the experience unnecessarily.
Okay maybe 'weeped' is a bit silly here so pick your own poison(words) of course.
Anyway I think if you keep focusing on improving you're going to keep doing good. Keep the unsung ships alive.
Thanks.
So hawt.
I'l love to know just how underwater hippogriff sex works. Heck, I doubt any author has explored this before, but now that you hinted at it, I now can't help but be curious.
Also, a prequel of Silverstream and Gallus having their first time would be awesome.