No one can make you change but yourself.
Before Nightmare Moon, before Equestria, before the Alicorn sisters moved the Sun and the Moon in the sky, there was Luna.
Luna, and Celestia. Two ponies left alone by a twist of fate that came too soon.
In order to survive, the sisters leaned on each other. They became close, closer than any sisters could ever be.
Closer than any sisters should ever be.
For the April 2019 incest contest
Special thanks to ChudoJogurt for helping me make this story readable.
Cover by Akeahi
Chapters (1)
Sup d00d, godly griffith from the disc here and imma give my initial impressions.
So I do think the length is a bit of a problem; you definitely could have compiled this into a few separate chapters. Additionally, I have a personal grip with the Tia nickname. It seems like a reference to how Spike calls Twilight 'Twi', but for some reason it doesn't feel like it works as well. Lulu is just hilarious, I actually love it.
Anyways, on to the bread and meat of your story: how L U L U and Tia interact.
I actually like their interactions for the most part. You captured a very sisterly, incestuous dynamic when writing their dialogue. It's pretty touching in certain parts and the romantic scenes are written fairly well, you use imagery good, albeit a tad too sparingly.
Anyhow I feel like the plot is a little bit barren. Nothing really happens; it's more or less 7k words of L U L U and Tia interacting. I'd criticize you for that, but I truly think you wrote this for yourself. As a writing sample of how a relationship between L U L U and Tia might play out in a longer work, it lays a good foundation and builds some nice concepts, like how Tia is a protector and guider of her younger sister.
As a fanfic standing on its own merits, there's just not a lot here. It feels like a small snippet of a bigger fanfic, which might have been what you were going for. Either way, it has a very choppy, disjointed feeling due to the constant transitions and barebones descriptions.
Here's an example of what I mean:
I liked this line a lot:
But you could definitely expand and flesh out the emotional interaction happening here. Here's my attempt at expanding it some:
And there's a lot of spots where adding just a few more lines of dialogue heightens the impact of the scene tremendously.
Overall, I liked it enough to give it a thumbs up, so there's that. Hope my CC helped you out some!
9597447
Thank you very much! Any CC helps tremendously, so yes, this was very much welcome. And I'm glad you found at least some enjoyment out of it. L U L U is very happy with that.
I unfortunately have to agree that I had a big old hard time making anything happen. At all. I'm not too good to come up with a plot on the spot and my strength is mostly in characters interacting, as you pointed out. This problem was heightened by the fact that I don't write romance, so I had no idea where to go sometimes. Plus, trying to spin the events that led to Nightmare Moon away from Luna's jealousy and more to a sense of paranoia and rejection kinda messed up everything. Before editing, there were huge chunks of side stuff happening and never impacting much, so what you saw was only a fraction of how bloated that story was.
As I said in the description, I owe my thanks to ChudoJogurt for making this readable at all.
However it is supposed to feel disjointed. Or rather, it was supposed to. I started writing this as Luna's mind rapidly flashing from scene to scene. Basically, take most scenes there, cut them 20-50% in the middle of a word, and you kinda get what I was-
-to another, completely different scene.
Annoying eh?
So I "fixed" it (meaning I patched it with a no-name band-aid) and we got this messy result.
Lastly, it probably feels like a snippet of a bigger story because I usually write (shitty) novels, and my brain has a hard time adapting to short stories, which is something I need to work toward.
Overall, I could have used a few weeks more for editing, but time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. Which is to say, I edited this whole thing over a week while working on finals in a fever fueled by a lot of coffeine. So for what it is, it could have been much worse I think.
9597495
I feel like you're aware of what your issues as a writer are and I'm glad that you accepted my criticism so readily. Just keep working on your issues and with the right help, you have the potential to write some really good stories I think!
It took me a moment to follow your organization, but I understand it's simply shaky scene transitions, and that the effect is intended. I ended up liking it. In fact, I love this story as a whole. It does seem to beg for more details, but in the sense of wanting a single episode of the show to be shown as a feature-length film.
It is so good in fact, that I hope it garners among the top four spots. I'm not a judge, and being midnight and not having my glasses on I'm not in the most critical of moods (and not having read a majority fraction of the submissions), but I shed tears for this story, tears of sympathy and sorrow, tears of compassion and relief. It is easily on its own level in my favorites. You have done well.
I'd say bonus points for making an attractive incest story where we see the intimacy between the two ponies while staying within the Teen rating. That's not easy to do.
9608765
Thank you very much, that's really nice of you! I didn't expect to literally make someone cry, but I'm glad you were moved so much by it, it means a lot to me.
9610089
Just a few tears, my good man. Not an out-and-out cry. Heh.
Contest judge with some thoughts.
So there's some really good visuals in the story. There are many details. There's world building and character building. It has all the hallmarks of a good story. That it's 'T' rated doesn't matter to me, personally.
So the things that worked for me most.. Probably the way you intertwined the incest narrative with the canon narrative to explain Nightmare Moon. It's made a bit more believable by the build up which shows Luna's progression over time, growing up with spite and anger, understandably.
What I think I would have done differently is change the pacing and, as much as I know it hurts to imagine, likely would have cut entire scenes. Or combined them. There were parts of their journey that kind of got glossed over and maybe deserved more attention. Like when did they become alicorns? I missed that or I'm dumb. The banishment itself.. artsy.. but maybe needed a little something more.
All in all I think there was room for a faster, tighter narrative.
Also, unless I'm missing something, why did the sisters tell their new kingdom they were sisters? If they'd never admitted being sisters then they could possibly have shared love openly without worry. It'd be a lie sure, but then so was them hiding their love, so... felt like a bit of a plot hole maybe unless there's something I'm not considering.
Anyway all that aside it was still an enjoyable story to read just the same. Thanks.
9618459
I absolutely agree with all your points! I got wayyy too bogged down in details and unimportant scenes, and I feel that affected this story negatively. Honestly, I cut and reorganized a lot of it out and even then I wasn't satisfied but deadlines approaching, I had to hope it would be good enough.
I went the way that they were alicorns from the beginning to not bog down the story even more, and the play episode kinda confirmed they were in fact alicorns from the start in any case so I didn't really go much into details on that point.
And also you pointed out a plothole so glaring and obvious that it hurts me that I didn't even consider it
I'm really glad you and the others enjoyed it though, that was always my main goal anyway. And thank you for the feedback and nice comments, I really appreciate it.
9621242
Oh, they were always alicorns? I must have missed that. Or perhaps it should have played a larger role in the story. More nods to their wings being present, perhaps. We're frequently reminded of their magical talents as it's integral to the story..
Anyway that aside glad you got something use from the critique.
Bro I really wish this story was a whole series.
Or even I wish it had a sequel I really enjoyed this story and the lore that's in it.