A death in the dark
"Stop!!" The police officer shouted as a hooded robber ran away with a bag of money in one hand and in the other a gun. The cop chased the robber through streets and alleys as the robber tried to escape. The robber ran through a dark alley and the cop behind him, as he met a brick wall stopping his escape and he realized he was trapped.
"Freeze!!" The cop pointed his gun as the robber was stuck with his back to the wall. "Drop the gun and the bag and put your hands behind your head!" The cop demanded, and the robber did as he was told. The robber dropped his gun and the bag of cash on the ground and put one hand behind his head and one hand in the pocket of his blue jeans. "Put your hands behind your head" the cop emphasized. The robber slowly took his hand from the pocket as he held a small rock with weird curves on it. The small rock glew in green as the cop felt a weakness within his body. The police officer's heart beated slower and slower with each breath he took, his lungs burned like fire and his legs, they could not hold the weight of his body. The cop fell on his knees as a green energy drained every drop of life from the poor man's body, leaving nothing but skeleton wearing his skin.
"Works every time" The robber smiled as he put the rock back in his pocket and took the bag of money and his gun. The robber passed the corpse of the cop and went home with his stolen money, unware of a figure in the rooftop, watching him. As the robber was about to leave the alley, he heard the sound of crushing bones and he turned around to see the body of the cop he killed, smashed and above it, a shadowy figure wearing black robes, a hood that coverd his head and a mask coverd his mouth. His eyes were white with no pupils. It was like looking into the eyes of death. "Who the hell are you?!" The robber asked with his gun pointed at the ghostly figure.
"The stone. Now!" the figure demanded in a horrifing voice that would give the bravest of men chills.
"Over my dead body" The robber said as he shot 10 bullets at the figure who started to walk towards him. The bullets didn't bother the figure at all. The robber paniced and took the stone, but before he could use it, the figure's black hand grabbed him by the neck. As one hand strangled the robber,a black sword came out the figure's other hand and his black fingers held tight the sword's hilt .
"If you insist" The figure said as he raised his sword to the air and swung it to the robber's neck.
Sunset woke up early today. Before the cloack could wake her, Sunset was her kitchen making breakfast as the phone rang. Sunset answered the phone and on the other side of the line was Twilight. "Sup' Twi" Sunset held her phone close the her ear as she turned off the stove and put scramble eggs on her plate next to a toast and a glass of milk.
"Turn on the tv" Twilight said and Sunset could hear horror in her friend's voice. Sunset turned on the tv as Twilight said and watched the news. On the news, Sunset saw a purple woman with green hair holding a microphone and behind her was an alley covered with cops and reporters.
"The police found another body of the thief today. The body was found next to the corpse of officer Johnson of the CPD. The police are refusing to give any more details about the murder." Sunset turned off the tv.
"Tell the girls to meet us at the school yard" Sunset told Twilight. Sunset knew it wasn't a regular attack. It involved Equestrian magic.
The main 7 met at the school as Sunset explained the situation. After she finished, the girls were confused. After a moment of silence, Rainbow Dash was the first to talk. "So you think that the murders are the results of Equestrian magic? It doesn't make sense."
"I know it sound's crazy" Sunset said "But I have a bad feeling about the murders, something feel unnatural. I think the one who killing the criminals is targeting them."
"So what do we do?" Twilight asked and the girls are with her. Sunsed smiled to see her friends want to help.
"Okay first thing, we need to see the crime scene."
At the crime scene, the police left the area and the alley where the murder happened was covered in yellow ribbons. The girls entered the crime scene and what they saw was like an image from a nightmare. There was blood on the walls, four black webs were on the ground, and on them were the arms and the legs of the criminal. In in the middle was the body of the criminal, impaled on a black stalagmite and the head was sliced in two.
"I think I'll stay outside to guard" Fluttershy said with a a shy and scared smile and went out of the alley.
"I think I'll join her" Rainbow added and followed Fluttershy. The rest of the group searched for clues. Twilight put her bag on the ground and took a strange device.
"This will help us to find any Equestrian magic" Twilight said and scan the webs and the stalagmite with the device. The device made strange noises and Twilight turned it off. "Whatever the webs and the stalagmite are, it is definitely from Equestria." Sunset took a camera from her bag and took a pictures of the webs and the stalagmite.
Sunset looked at her friends "I need to see the princess. She need to see the pictures." The girls nodded and walked away from the alley. As Twilight look behind her she saw two white eyes without pupils looking at her. Twilight shook her head and when she looked again, the eyes disappeared. Twilight thought it was just her mind messing with her, but the eyes were real.
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I like it, but it needs work. I made my own story about this very concept called The Pony of Vengeance (you'd want to take a look at it) and the pacing of this first chapter is very, very fast. It starts off essentially the same way, but I had three separate chapters for the events of the initial attack, the Mane Six finding out about the attack, and the Mane Six discovering the scene of the crime. Pace yourself. You want to take these readers on a ride, don't you?
Also, your grammar regarding quotation marks needs work. Bad grammar can turn off new readers. I only powered through this one because I liked the concept. Next time, proofread your text for errors in quotation marks and past and present tense changes. I favorited this, but I expect more from a talented writer like you.
9603766
thank you and i have a bad grammer im not from america but from israel and i have hard time with grammer.
9603766
and please read my other story the hybrid
Awesome chapter, you are doing an amazing job. I can't wait to read the next one.
Is that Noob Saibot? This kind of fatality (internal chuckle) can be only matched by Mortal Kombatants. Although the webs and stalagmite are new.
9604278
yeah the webs are for a good reminder for whats to come
Do I detect some tease?!? I do!
I'm here because you asked. I will say upfront that I don't like EQG very much, but I'll put that on hold.
Opening scene was top notch up until 10 bullets. It just felt too clinical... maybe unleashed a barrage... or began spraying bullets... something with more zing.
The rest felt a little rushed to me. Ominous ending... not a bad start.
9775760
Thank you
The storyline is nice and consistent - always good to have that in a story.
There were some spelling errors, but those can be easily fixed with a reread or two.