Unsecure Desires

Incest is Wincest4,020 stories ·5,196 members

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xRei

xRei #1 · May 9th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Contest judge. Some notes.

You don't get a lot of panty sniffing in most clop, huh? I could probably dwell on the whole clothing thing, but I'm trying not to. Ponies wear clothes all the time? Sure, why not.

So onto the story then. It kind of jumps all over the place in both tone and narrative. There is little that joins all the story's elements together into a more cohesive package. Take the last few paragraphs of the panty scene.. Shining laments his frustrations with Cadance. Why do we need to know? What role does it really play? And as far as I can tell, this entire scene takes place about a year before the events of the following scene.

It feels like a totally separate scene which could have been its own, separate fic.

The other thing I wanted to mention was a little more technical. Ellipses. In the conversation between Twi and Shining there was a part where ellipses were showing up in every line of dialogue and it's a little clumsy. Example:

He cleared his throat. “Twiley… I… I just wanted to say… I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for what I said to you at the wedding.”

Shining Armor's throat burned and constricted. "Twily, I wanted to tell you I'm sorry." Twilight met his eyes; there was pain in them. The corners of his mouth quivered. "I'm so sorry. Sorry for what I said to you at the wedding."

This is one possibility. Let us know early in the dialogue what the quality of his voice is like. Leave it to the reader's imagination to do the rest.

Anyway, thanks for the submission.

Shenzy