- Member Since 12th Apr, 2019
- offline last seen February 2nd
Latias96
Thanks for understanding that I mess up my english sometimes~ (◠‿◠✿)
Latias96
Joined 12th Apr, 2019 ·
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A few things,
it's : "his", and a bit later
it's : look "at" him "in" the eyes.
I didn't see other things wich where as big.
However I have the impression that, during the massage, the position they are in is hard to picture. From what I understand, zephyr is behind her, but for fluttershy, I can't say most of the time.
9602667
Thanks for the correction! And yes, I do believe that my choice of words and descriptions on their position was poor and hard to picture. I'm trying to write more smut because I struggle the most with anatomy, gestures and positions. I just don't know how to describe them in a way that's easy to understand without resorting to showing images or gifs, overexplaining or saying things like "As if they were doing something/saying something"
If you have another critique or suggestion, I'd gladly hear it :)
9602680
I will not read this one again, but if you write another story later, i'll see.
First, I will congratulate you for trying in English. But this needs a great deal of editing. Sentence structure is off in about 30% and there are so many typos that I'm not going to try to mention them all. But for example, in the second sentence- "Fluttershy was sitting in the middle of the bathroom, fiddling with a little flask of shampoo. Behind her, her brother was putting on essential oils on his hooves." -there is an additional "on" that needs to be removed. But there are a few more problems than that. I'm sorry I couldn't read much of the middle section it was just too rough for me grammatically, but I did skip to the end and one BIG issue is that you would NEVER put mint anything into or onto a woman's vagina. It burns. A lot. For a long time. It is very painful. So she would most definitely know what it was and would not be having much fun after. Word choice is important as well. Referring to a penis as his "childhood" is completely wrong it is also not referred to as his "stick" or at least not if you want to be sexy. You should definitely attempt to research your sexual anatomy terms. It would have been sexier just to use medical terminology- Vagina and Penis -every time you referenced those parts.
I can't wait for the sequel Where Fluttershy is pregnant with her bothers foal(s), so they tie the knot, with their parents being accepting and attending the wedding, and have sex on their wedding night!
Do consider changing that to something else. I suggest "stallionhood".
"Bited" is not a word. The past-tense version of "bite" is "bit". (I know... English is pretty inconsistent.)
Replace both instances of "out" with "off".
You should use the word "either" here. Also, the phrasing at the beginning of this sentence seems a bit off to me. Perhaps you should try something more like "Before she could consciously think about this, she was all ready kissing him[...]"
"Unabling" is not a word either. I suggest using the word "preventing" instead.
Wow. Fluttershy is aggressive when horny.