Common_Cono
Joined 24th Apr, 2019 ·
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Needs editing.
Just leaving a few thoughts.
Paragraphs. Spend some time studying when to start new paragraphs. I'd google 'when to start new paragraphs in fiction writing' or something similar. A lot of this is a big wall of text. It's difficult to read through and seriously disrupts the pacing.
Word repetitions. I'd do an extra editing pass specifically to look for these. There were a lot.
All in all I'd agree with appledasher: you need to spend more time editing and refining what you have. Keep at it.