• Member Since 18th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

Dusk Raven


"Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia." - Kurt Vonnegut. Currently accepting commissions!

Comments ( 6 )

Contest judge with some thoughts.

You said the story was a 'slow burn'. I suppose the first chapter could be seen as rather slow, though it is doing a good job of establishing the full nature of the relationship between the characters. You used a lot of vivid imagery and description to give each moment(particularly the play fighting) some ground.

I do think I'd have trimmed some of that scene, paring down the prose a bit and quickening the pacing just a bit. But I absolutely think that using a magical play fight is a great way of demonstrating the playfulness and respect between the characters.

Ch2 was my favorite. The balance of reluctance and desire from Shining, and Twilights awkward and inexperienced desire to explore sexuality are themes that appealed to me. I may have charged the emotion of the scene just a bit more, though. Some of the dialogue didn't hit me as hard as it could have.

Ch3 was good overall. It's good to see Shining Armor being nurturing and caring. What I had to say about the emotion in ch2 applies doubly so here.

Overall I enjoyed this. A story with attention to narrative as well as the sex is what I need in my clop.

9615493
Thanks! I'm glad to read that. I wasn't really sure I'd succeeded in what I was trying to do - when I get stories out quickly like this one, it feels a little like a jumble of words rather than anything coherent, especially towards the end when I was really trying to hurry up. I can definitely understand some of the criticisms you have. However, I'm very glad that it was, all in all, an enjoyable read. :twilightsmile:

Do you happen to have a link to said cover pic? I can't find it.

10222565
That might be in part because I messed up the artist name, it's fixed now.

I don't know that I'm actually allowed to link to NSFW images, but the image code is 1641718. Does that help?

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