• Member Since 17th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Super Spike


T

One Nightmare Night, eight foals walk into a haunted house waiting to see if anything scary will happen. While waiting, they decide to play a game of truth or dare to pass the time. Unfortunately, the game proves to have real consequences and they must tell the truth or do the dare or suffer. Will they beat the game or will the game beat them?

Rated R for strong violence and some disturbing content.

Chapters (8)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 11 )

Fuck. Button Mash is in this story. The lack of his tag made me hope he won't be there. :facehoof:

I wanted to, but I was only allowed to tag up to five characters.

"Turn Cream Heart into a cat and Spike into a dragon," it said. "Eight minutes."

Ani't spike already a dragon?

Why isn't there a dark tag?

9600969
Just fixed that. I meant that he would be turned into a pony.

9600976
Thanks for the correction.

The premise is interesting, but your writing skill still need a lot of work. Starting with the basics problem for now, and can easily be fixed enough, you tend to forget how to describe what the characters look like when they first appear what is the relationship between then and what are their personalties. The dialogue, while not the best but still serviceable, is which what really hurt your story, as they sound like they are reading a script with no tone in how they say it. You could fix most of it with emotional adjectives or hyperbolic even to set a tone to their words, like "She said frustratingly", "She hissed out" "Jumped out of surprise" and so forth. Along those same line, you not to give off a clear feeling of the places they are at or at least the vibe that it is supposed to give off, "Cricking and cracking stares", 'rickety floor board', "dark spooky hallways", "chilling winds" and so forth.

I hope it helps a little.

9602356
Thanks, I'll correct the story soon.

Now to find the truth

9624790
Not quite. It's more just a bittersweet ending. Gold Watch beat the game, but none of his other friends did and the haunted house still stands. However, everypony still supports him and he'll always have somepony on his side. Not to mention, Miss Cheerilee did take him out for ice cream after putting a warning sign to discourage anypony from getting themselves hurt.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!