• Member Since 26th Mar, 2019
  • offline last seen Sep 17th, 2019

StuntBrickSystem


A company that dosen't know how to make stories.

Comments ( 5 )

This is relevant to my interests. :pinkiecrazy:

Alright, my dude, I'll be honest with you here: I don't usually like FoE stories. Not because their content offends me, but because they are usually atrociously written, and to be frank, this is the worst one yet.

However, I always like when a new FoE story appears because they tend to cause a lot of butthurt and I'm a big fan of that. So, in hopes that you continue to write and thus generate butthurt, I'm going to tell you more or less why this is so badly written:

1. Worldbuilding

Worldbuilding here is not bad as much as it is outright non-existent. We are told nothing about Fortlion's life before the fall, we are not shown the fall at all (nor are we shown Equestria before the fall, so we cannot see how much of a difference it is), two Caribou simply show up at his door, we are not told why they are doing this and perhaps most emblematic of the utter lack of worldbuilding, the caribou are not even given names, they are simply called "____".

A piece of fiction is not an Early Access game, my dude. You can't post it and go "Oh don't worry, I'll add inconsequential details such as the character's names later". If you really don't want to name your caribou characters for whatever reasons, then describe their physical characteristics and differentiate them through that, i.e. "the taller stag". It really is not that hard, to simply name your characters "____" is outrageously bad. Like, what are the characters even saying when they say their names? "Underscore underscore underscore"? Unbelievable.

2. Characterization

All pornography and erotica, in the written word at least, is about characterization. There is not eroticism in bags of flesh humping each other until they reach climax, since sex is, mechanically, always the same. Even pure fetish fuel is ultimately about how the characters react to sexual scenarios. To give you an example in Fall of Equestria itself, the series is all about the reactions of the inhabitants of Equestria: The males go along with it, the females are either consenting, non-consenting or insane, the caribou think themselves higher than the ponies, and so on. Yet, despite this being more or less the most obvious element in all of erotica, there is a shocking lack of reaction to anything in this fic.

Why does Fortlion have no reaction to a species he never seen before kick down his door and tell him (barely, since this whole piece is so bare-bones) that they are enslaving the entire female gender, which, presumably, includes his mother, aunts, former schoolmates, etc? Why do the stags have no reaction to Fortlion being a submissive, despite that being presumably so unusually among them? Why does Fortlion have no reaction to being told that he's going to change gender and that all the luxuries he ever had are going to be brutally striped away from him?

The complete and utter lack of characterization is so absolute that all of these characters resemble corpses being played with by a puppeteer more than they do any sort of leaving, breathing creature. I can get more characterization out of observing bacteria go about their business.

3. Pacing

Much like the previous categories, pacing in this is not bad as much as it is outright nonexistent. In only three paragraphs, the Caribous are already at Fortlion's door. In the immediate next chapter, they're already aware that he's a red collar. In the next chapter, he accepts being a red collar even though he's barely aware of what the concept even is. In the next chapter they're already fucking, Any erotica story that has the main attraction, sex in the sixth paragraph without it being a narrative trick (per example, the story being in medias res) can be identified as a failure. The sex itself only lasts three short paragraphs.

A story with actual pacing would go along these lines: We start by showing Fortlion's going about his daily routine. In the middle of his routine, the two caribou break his door down. He's confused, and the caribou fill him in. They start searching his house for mares, and they find his porn stash. They question him to see if he's a submissive, and it happens that he is. They explain to him why this is unacceptable for a male, and tell him they're going to rape him and turn him into a mare. Then and only then does the sex happen.

4. Show, don't tell

This kinda ties into the previous categories, but this story suffers from it bad so I'm going to give it a couple of paragraphs here.

We are shown absolutely nothing. We are not shown Fortlion going about his daily routine, instead, he tells it to us. We are not shown the caribou searching around his house, we are told that they did and that they found his porn stash. The best example of this complete lack of showing is in this paragraph:

____ was still unsatisfied, so they fucked me again, this time, with him in the front.

What's the point of this paragraph? Is it meant to be arousing? Clearly not, since there is no detail in it. Don't tell me "they fucked me again", actually show them switching positions, show how this guy is different than the other guy in the front. As it stands, this paragraph is totally worthless.

5. The general quality of the writing

Even if all of these problems weren't there, and they are, overwhelmingly so in fact, it would still be bad because the general quality of the writing is real real bad. There are minor mistakes such as a lack of commas, words that should be capitalized but aren't, syntax errors, etc but the general quality of the writing is atrocious even without them. None of the dialogue sounds natural in the slightest, as all the characters sound like robots fulfilling a fetish scenario, but sometimes it doesn't even make sense. Per example, take this quote:

"Clearly you wanted to become a red collar" "What's a red collar?" I asked, looking confused. "A red collar symbolizes her submission to _____"

So, a red collar symbolizes he submission to this one stag? Are all the mares submissive to this one stag? Poorly thought out doesn't even described it. It should say "A red collar symbolizes a mare's willing submission to her male betters" or something like that.

All in all, I didn't write this review because I want you to stop writing, because as I said, FoE stories tend to generate a lot of lulz. But this needs some serious improvements because as it stands it's actually worse than even shitpost fics from obvious trolls like Evictus and Sonic_Applejack2005.

9634883
I'm not sure if this changes anything for you, but Stunt Brick System told me that this is supposed to be a parody (and I guess you could say the Random tag also indicates that). I already suspected so after the first read, since most of the issues with this story seem like deliberate exaggerations of the typical issues FoE stories often have. I think as a deliberate parody, the story works relatively well. It did give me a few laughs at least.

I still kind of agree with your objection to Stunt Brick System's choice to put this up before he had found names for his caribou characters though. He did actually ask me for suggestions for their names. Not going to say much more, since I don't know if he'll actually go with it, but I did give him a suggestion that emphasizes the parodistic character of the story a bit clearer, and he seemed to like my suggestion.

9638170
Aaaah... Stunt Brick System took up my suggestion, I see. :trollestia: Nice! :pinkiehappy:

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