• Member Since 7th Feb, 2018
  • offline last seen Monday

damiranc1


The author of "Lavender Feathers". English is not my native language, and my stories can sometimes be really hard to read. Twirax shipper DERPI-LINKVALIDATION-3A1B5ADE8B

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This story is a sequel to Rewrite:Ocellus... we need to tell you about something...


Ocellus visits her biological mother Twilight Sparkle, to find out what the significance of her birth was. She also wants to know what Uncle Shining thought of her.

Was she a mistake?

Cover Art by Julunis14

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 13 )

Not bad but you need to plan chapter endings better

"Excuse me? When can we talk to her?" she asked, with a nice mannery tone.

"Nice" is one of the weakest adjectives you can ever use. It really doesn't say much of anything, and they you couple it with "mannery," which I don't think is even a real word. I think you were probably going for something more like a "pleasant tone" or a "kindly tone," but even those aren't that great, either.

I only just checked your bio and saw that English isn't your native language, so I can understand how you did this. I don't want to discourage your writing, but wanted to point out that this one line really leaped out at me.

WAiT WHAT?! This is a very big shift of tone from the ending from the prequel like a whole 180 straight into a brick wall.

Also are you already Ret-conning the birth described in the last story?

Well I'll need damned. You actually came back to this. Good job.

Looks interesting so far, waiting for more :P

Ocellus poured tea into Twilight's cup, and juice into cup, in front of her.

you need to add a "the" and take out the comma to make Ocellus poured tea into Twilight's cup, and juice into the cup in front of her.

"If it was not for the help of medics..." he sighed. "The infant would've starve to death" "I don't get it, how can somepony be so incompetent" the orange earth pony gritted her teeth. "I'd oughta go over there and knock her block off"

you need to double space to separate the separate dialogue to make If it was not for the help of medics..." he sighed. The infant would've starve to death"

"I don't get it, how can somepony be so incompetent" the orange earth pony gritted her teeth. "I'd oughta go over there and knock her block off

"I do not advise you to visit her..." he said. "She lost a lot of blood, and stress would not help her" "We should be calm while the child suffers because of her?" The rainbow pegasus squeezed her hooves with anger. "While now she sleeps in peace?"

same with this one double space. I do not advise you to visit her..." he said. "She lost a lot of blood, and stress would not help her"

"We should be calm while the child suffers because of her?" The rainbow pegasus squeezed her hooves in anger. While now she sleeps in peace?

Group of five mares, looked at each other, while whispering.

need to add "the" to make The group of five mares, looked at each other and whispered among one another

"Excuse me? When can we talk to her?" she asked, with a nice mannery tone. "When will she wake up?" "It's a matter of time" he said. "Her body must recover after surgery"

will admit this will sound better with a more descriptive word that nice, maybe "Excuse me? When can we talk to her?" she asked, with a warm and caring tone. "When will she wake up?"

"It's a matter of time" he said. "Her body must recover after surgery

Nurse Redheart was examinining the changeling infant, fresh after feeding it with bottle milk.

She gently spread newborn's legs, and looked between them.

"It's a girl" she said, before giving a newborn to the midwife

The midwife mare raised the infant in the air, patting her on the back, so she would not choke.

"Good girl" she said. "Come back to your rest little one"

The midwife put the newborn in the incubator, closing it.

all of this could be one paragraph or two like this. Nurse Redheart was examinining the changeling infant, fresh after feeding it with bottle milk, She gingerly spread newborn's legs and looked between them "It's a girl" she said, before giving a newborn to the midwife to be burped, the midwife mare raised the infant in the air, patting her on the back, so she would not choke and out came a small burp.

"Good girl" the midwife said as she was putting the newborn back into the incubator and closing the lid. "Go back to sleep little one, you'll be in your mother's hooves soon." The midwife said as she monitored the infants recovery.

OHHH NOOOO TWI DIDNT TELL THORAX DID SHEEE!!!!!

Ayy also if u need help with the story I can help

Comment posted by Timothy1509 deleted March 12th

Can't wait for the next chapter. Hope this isn't permanently abandoned.

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