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Incest is Wincest4,021 stories ·5,195 members

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xRei

xRei #1 · Apr 30th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Judge from the competition leaving some notes. This isn't final thoughts about your fic's place in the competition, just editorial notes.

Spelling and grammar need a little work. Most of what I saw were probably typos, but doing editing passes on your work will help with that. Get a spell checker or use a text editor with one built in. Do a few editing passes. It helps a lot.

In terms of writing mechanics there's some signs for improvement too. Word repetition was one thing I noticed, especially with regards to words used to describe the sex and such. I know it can be tricky finding ways to say the word vagina dozens of different times, but doing so will greatly improve readability. Remember that you don't always have to refer directly to a thing to let the reader know your talking about that thing.

A little more variety in dialogue structure would also help. When you do dialogue attribution(she said, he said, etc), you have a tendency to use bookisms(she whined, he laughed, she coo'd). Bookisms have a place I think, but they can really be a crutch. Readers are very used to the word 'said' coming after dialogue and in a lot of ways their brains may well skip over this word quickly and efficiently. But if you rely on bookisms a lot, readers may skip over those words as well because they've been trained to. The other thing is that it can make a scene seem overly 'busy' to a fault.

What I mean is that if every line of dialogue that happens someone is saying something with a laugh, or a coo, or a grunt, or a whatever, then that can make the characters seem a little spastic. The same can be true if you have characters constantly performing action beats.
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Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. "That's way too uncool for me, sorry."
"Yeah, well what isn't?" Applejack said, stamping her hoof in the ground.
"Me, obviously," Rainbow laughed, sticking out her tongue.
Now it was Applejack's turn to roll her eyes. "Yer a damn pain in the ass, you know that."
With a shrug, Rainbow calmly said, "Yep. Wouldn't have it any other way."
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I'd argue the above would read better as:
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Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively. "That's way too uncool for me, sorry."
"Yeah, well what isn't?" Applejack asked.
"Me, obviously."
"Yer a damn pain in the ass," AJ said, rolling her own eyes, "You know that?"
"Yep. Wouldn't have it any other way."

Rainbow leaned back into the soft embrace of her cloud and kicked her hooves up. The satisfaction on her lazy, smirking face was unbearable.
---
This is also an example of how you can have strings of dialogue with little or no supporting narration, which can also be good to use sometimes when the dialogue is the focus.

These and other writing mechanics are things you may consider looking at.

As for the story, it's pretty minimal. It sets the scene a little. The incest part isn't too bad though. You did at least have hacksaw think about how her own feelings appear strange to her, which is something I like to see in an incest fic. In fact I'd have liked to see more of that personally.

Hacksaw is a relative unknown, which is interesting and affords you a lot of opportunity to invent her character. I think you could've done well to spend a bit more time developing her character because of that. No one knows who or what Hacksaw is, really. Go wild.

Mirror Star