Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her alicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns alike.
But as time went on, the elder sister became obsessed with power. The ponies relished and played in her day, but the night, as beautiful as it was, seemed to mean nothing to the ponies. One fateful night, the elder alicorn refused to lower the sun to make way for the dusk. The younger sister tried to reason with her, but power had corrupted the elder's heart and had transformed her into a wicked mare of fire: Daybreaker.
She vowed that she would illuminate the land in eternal light. Reluctantly, the younger sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponykind: the Elements of Harmony. Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her elder sister, and banished her permanently in the moon. The younger sister took on responsibility for both sun and moon, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since.
When Luna tells her faithful protege about the upcoming return of Daybreaker, Trixie Lulamoon is tasked to travel to Ponyville to find the new wielders of the Elements of Harmony. But how will she find them when she doesn't even know who they are?
But Trixie's troubles aren't as simple as finding the Element Wielders, as a group of resistors against Luna are preparing for something...
This series isn't specifically based on the RainbowDoubleDash's Lunaverse, but some inspiration was taken. This is the first episode of The Alterverse.
*sits in the corner and judges you*
Kidding, of course. I’m at work right now and so can’t read this, but I will once I get home.
Well, on the one hand, I like how Princess Luna doesn't really play things all that close to the chest, giving Trixie the information she might need. On the other hand, I can't help but feel that even knowing that you're supposed to be looking for the Elements kind of undercuts the whole process.
Your intro story is a little confusing...Daybreaker becomes obsessed with power, sure, but then you have the story mention that "The ponies relished and played in her day, but the night, as beautiful as it was, seemed to mean nothing to the ponies." Which I don't understand why Daybreaker would have a problem with that.
Normally I'm not one to go on about spelling/grammar/syntax, but I do feel the need to point out that your tenses are sort of all over the place, switching seemingly at random. Might want an editor to go over everything.
As a general rule of thumb, you want to stick to past tense for third-person stories, at least in the narrative.
You mean...a hotel or motel or something? Or is the idea that Trixie's actually going house-shopping right now?
Um...why? She has a job, or at least an occupation, as Luna's student. Celestia sent Twilight to Ponyville and set her up in the library specifically because she was trying to get Twilight to make friends as part of a formal reassignment, but it doesn't feel like that's happened here.
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But Trixie doesn't realize that she's one of the elements. As far as Trixie knows, she's just seeking out the element bearers to help Princess Luna to defeat Daybreaker when she returns.
As for the intro sequence, the intent is that where Nightmare Moon was driven by jealousy, I'm making Daybreaker driven by her ego. Her mindset is 'If the ponies don't care about the night and love the day, then I'll get rid of the night entirely.' Basically, she's corrupted by her own ego. Also, it's Trixie telling the story, so she'd be taking a few creative liberties for the sake of telling a story.
I have to say, this story DOES have potential. I especially liked how Luna is being more honest about - certain things - than Celestia was. And, yeah, Trixie telling the story to a bunch of children at the start is another great detail. I also really enjoyed the dialogue between Trixie and Surprise.
At any rate, wonderful job on the exchanges, characterizations and future chapter set-up in all the right places.
Definitely enjoyed Trixie and Surprise's first meeting with Maud (particularly concerning Maud's eye for spotting what kind of jewel is on Trixie's cape and Maud spotting the similarities between Surprise and Pinkie. And Trixie coming across that magic shop was a great touch, as was her getting Rarity to help with a few of the magic supplies.
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Oooohhhh...might want to find a way to make that clearer.
REALLY good job on this chapter. I loved Trixie and Surprise's first encounters with Ditzy and Cheerilee as well as what is likely to be the REAL start to the adventure. Yeah, Dinky and Cheerilee's sister could be in really big trouble. Of course, the situation has Trixie getting just as competent as ANOTHER purple-caped egomaniac with a penchant for theatrical entrances and a crash-crazy friend when he goes into "Let's Get Dangerous" mode.
Once more, this chapter is wonderfully done. Great job on Cheerilee's part getting Vinyl and Octavia to help. And, yeah, really liked the explanation for how Vinyl can talk here. And, yeah, I DID really like the scenes with the kidnappers, Scoots, Dinky and Silver. And that IS an excellent division of the heroes' forces as far as the rescue plan goes.
REALLY good job on this chapter. ABSOLUTELY LOVED the work that went into the rescue. Especially concerning Ditzy and Octavia going into Mama Bear mode forcing the rescue team to modify their plan on the fly. And, even though the kidnappers TRIED to play it smart, they were still badly outmatched. And it seems Trixie has at least more sense concerning "the Pie Family Sense" than Twilight does.
Superb work on this chapter ESPECIALLY since it goes into a bit more detail concerning Maud's end of things.
Anyway, the action, characterization, exchanges and future chapter/story set-up are all well done in all the right places.
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I did a few edits, and found a few other errors as I did. I can't seem to see much tense changing, but that could just be how I see the writing style. There were a few parts where I forgot there was a past tense version some words. Is it that I use the suffix of "ing" alot? Because I find that to be more of an ambiguous tense than exclusively past tenses. But I appreciate your input.
Trixie is moving to Ponyville. The place of residence (I changed it to "place to stay") is supposed to be a generalization. Whether it be a house, hotel, or apartment.
As for "asking for a job", that was more based on the circumstances of the situation. But more than that, it's because of Trixie's passion for magic. I also didn't want to have her income come from the fact that she's Luna's student. Luna may be more of a "hands on" ruler, but she's not gonna hold Trixie's hoof through life. And for the "Celestia sending Twilight" example, that paralel wouldn't work, because where Twilight is more introverted and needed that push, Trixie is more extroverted and just needs the friendly environment. In short, Twilight is dependent, whereas Trixie is independent.
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I figured that I'd have her witness it in a spot where it's not trying to specifically study. And since Trixie isn't as studious as Twilight, she won't obsess about trying to learn about it.
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Well, yeah, I can buy that, but what I mean is that it seems like Trixie should already have a home and some source of income in Canterlot, and unless she's expecting her trip to Ponyville to be for a significant duration (months), I don't see why she'd be setting up shop there rather than treating this as "Go to Ponyville, find the Elements, kick Daybreaker's butt, go back to Canterlot".
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Fair point. I made an edit, pointing out that Celestia refused to lower the sun because she believed the ponies would love her more for it.
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Trixie's income generally came from being a performer. And Trixie doesn't know how long it will take for her to find the elements, so she planning on it being long term. Luna just knows that it's about to happen soon. And as Trixie said...
Trixie is aware that when Luna says "soon", it probably does mean months, if not years. Basically, this season premier episode takes place in late spring. The season finale, when Daybreaker returns, will take place in the middle of winter.
Well, this looks like the start of an interesting universe)
The characters all feel like distinct individuals with their own personalities and histories, and some reinterpretations are unique, like Vinyl being Octavia's sister, Ditzy (apparently) being in a happy marriage, or Surprise starting off as a Lunarbolt (and struggling with it) instead of striving to be one. It feels like the story would these ponies in a different direction than other AUs, and that's cool! The setting also feels quite different, with more technology and a different political climate. I can't wait to see what you'll do with it)
Having the Mane Six team up against a relatively minor threat before they get the Elements is also an interesting twist on the formula, and sets up a unique arc for the first season. How they get the elements, I believe, would be covered in future episodes?
The writing is also pretty entertaining. I loved a lot of the dialogue, especially comedic bits like the exchange between Trixie and Luna in chapter one, Trixie and Surprise arguing about their stomachs or Maud annoying the Lunar Core unicorn. There are some questionable moments (a misused word here, a redundancy there), but they aren't much of a problem.
Overall, it was a very enjoyable read, and I hope we'll see more of this universe)
Maybe it should be "inevitability"?
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Thanks for the correction.
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Well, Surprise is actually a Wonderbolt in show canon. She's just reduced the nothing more than a background pony with no dialogue in the show.
First thing: this story should be rated Teen and be tagged with Gore. A pony getting their snout kicked hard enough to bleed and a griffon getting both their wings pulled out of their sockets certainly don't belong in Everybody.
I concur with Comickook: Trixie regaling schoolchildren with a tale is a clever way to start the story in addition to making me like Trixie from the get-go. Her generosity at the end of the introduction was also nice to see. I wonder if this shift from her canon personality came from Luna herself or if the different circumstances as her student were enough on their own to bring forth this gentler side.
I'll admit I was more interested in Trixie's interactions with Top Hat and Rarity than in anything else that occurred once she arrived in Ponyville. In fact, I'm looking forward to how she'll work out their deal in the future rather than to anything Solaris and the Lunar Core are planning to do later.
I also liked that Trixie has no equivalent to Spike. A mirrored carbon copy isn't what I'm looking for in an alternate universe.
I wasn't so impressed with Surprise, however, and she's also the entire reason why I'm underwhelmed with the Lunarbolts she belongs to.
At the start of chapter two, when she states that she believes Trixie is the Element of Magic, I half-expected Surprise to turn her head towards the audience, wink and say "Get it? This is foreshadowing. Get it get it get it?" The reason was perhaps to state where Trixie's magical expertise lies, but then she just looks like a plot device to me; and there are probably less 'infodumpy' ways to handle this.
An example of foreshadowing that's less in your face would be Trixie asking Luna what would happen if the Tree of Harmony became corrupted, if only because it could actually be a red herring.
Also, as presented by the narration, Surprise tagged alongside Trixie to Ponyville on a whim, unaware or uncaring of how long her mission would last, without so much as leaving a notice to her superiors.
That's not on the Lunarbolts themselves yet because there might have been not enough time for them to react and they may crack down on Surprise going AWOL in a following story. But she goes on to prevent me to take them seriously in this one.
Because apparently, 'being a Lunarbolt' is some kind of magical, biological construct that one can 'tap into' to go extra fast.
Once again, the blame rests solely on Surprise's shoulders. But seeing how the Lunarbolts are talked up in the story, to the point where merely being one of them seems to guarantee success, there's a disconnect in the presentation when I look at it.
Unless I misunderstood Comet Tail's comment in the last chapter and the Lunarbolts are in fact a laughing stock across Equestria.
The founder of the Lunarbolts, on the other hand, proved more pleasant to read about. In sharp contrast with Celestia's constant "I'll tell you only what *I* need you to know" modus operandi, Luna's as honest with Trixie as she feels she can be. Her reasoning is probably the same as Celestia's in canon, but Luna has the decency to explain why she can't tell Trixie everything.
I mentioned that I liked your story being more than just a mirror of the show, and this is another instance of it: the plotlines of the Elements of Harmony and Daybreaker's return aren't finished at the end of the premiere. Or if this was actually the first half of the premiere, there was already one challenge that needed to be overcome; and it was a genuine threat to boot.
As mentioned by others, there were several issues with tenses. There are misspellings here and there as well; Scholarship Owl already pointed out "inedibility" from chapter one, I'll point out "Galla" instead of 'Gala' from the same chapter and "randevu point" instead of 'rendezvous point' in chapter five.
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I'd hardly call a bloody nose as Gore. If it were a broken nose, I'd consider it. But perhaps we have different standards for Gore. As for the wings, they weren't pulled off of her body. They were just dislocated. Perhaps I should've specified that a little better, but I believe "Gore" would be an over exaggeration. Though you do have a point that perhaps it should be rated Teen.
Trixie's shift in personality is the result of taking multiple factors into account. In the show canon, her first appearance was that of just an entertainer. That was before the Mane 6 called her out on her boasting. But she was doing nothing wrong. Everything that happened after that episode wouldn't have happened if she had never met the Mane 6. In other words, this is the Trixie from before Boast Busters. I relied on that to build off of, thinking about how her life would've turned out if she were discovered by Princess Luna, Luna would've been a role model for her. And I also considered the idea that the different history would most likely create a butterfly effect that could've changed who these characters are.
I see you noticed that I don't intent on making a mirror of the show. I won't lie, my original idea was to make a relative mirror. But that was months, if not years ago. As for an equivalent to Spike, you could say that Surprise fills that role. But more in the sense that Dinky fills that role in the Lunaverse. I say Surprise fills that role only because of her friendship with Trixie. But there's no true Spike role in my story. I just didn't feel like it would fit Trixie's character.
I won't deny that that was foreshadowing on Surprise's part. But it's also intended to be misleading foreshadowing. I mean, it's not like it's a surprise that Trixie is gonna be the Element of Magic in this story. But her skill as a magician isn't what makes her the Element of Magic. How I view the Element of Magic is in a more metaphorical sense. It's not about literal magic, which Surprise was pointing out. It's about the bonds between friends having its own magic. So the Element of Magic is functionally the Element of Friendship. The comment about the Element of Magic is in fact foreshadowing. But Trixie's magical prowess is a red herring.
As for Surprise's role as a Lunarbolt, Comet Tail said it himself. If she were to impersonate a Lunarbolt, she could've chosen a better one than Surprise. The Lunarbolts are more impressive than Surprise's part in the story leads on. She's not a Lunarbolt because of her brains for brawn. She's a Lunabolt because of her tracking and flying skills.
As for her tagging along with Trixie, I don't see living in Canterlot as a requirement for being a Lunarbolt. Similar to how Rainbow Dash is a Wonderbolt, but she still has plenty of time to spend with her friends. If Surprise is called for duty, she is still required to answer that call and play her part as a member of the pegasi military. But I won't deny that my intention for Surprise is primarily as a free spirit. But she hasn't gone AWOL. In the next "episode", Trixie does write a letter to Luna, detailing what happened in this story, including Surprise tagging along. And I also have Surprise making a joke about exposition. But you have given me an idea to have a moment where Surprise is reprimanded for not telling them directly about the change of address.
I didn't intend that being a Lunarbolt is some kind of biological construct. I intended that to mean that she dug down into the skills that got her into the Lunarbolts in the first place (tracking and speed). Surprise can be serious when she wants to be.
Surprise talks the Lunarbolts up because she's one of them, and the Lunar Core talk the Lunarbolts up because of there cult-like obsession with Luna (since Luna put together the Lunarbolts in the first place). I do intend for them to deserve that praise. I'm just intentionally playing it up because of who it is that's praising them.
The point of Comet Tail's comment is that Surprise is not a high ranking member of the Lunarbolts. It's not a bash on the Lunarbolts, but more of a bash on Surprise herself. Or rather, Comet Tail assuming she's impersonating a Lunarbolt, and the decision to impersonate Surprise rather than one of the better Lunarbolts.
Basically, I switched the "big baddy" reveal ro the season finale partly because the show's season 1 finale wasn't a big deal. The Best Night Ever just felt like any other episode. But by making the villain reveal as part of that event, it would make for a more appropriate season finale episode. And by making this series, I could have a reason to do just that. Granted, I'm technically spoiling what I have planned for the season finale. But I promise I have more planned than just this. So I'm not spoiling everything, just a general core idea.
Also, thanks for spotting those spelling errors I'll get on that after this. As for issues with tenses, I honestly can't find these issues. Also, Google Docs is annoying because it doesn't correct certain grammar errors for words that are actual words ("Galla is a word, but not the same as "Gala"). And the spellchecker didn't even correct "randevu". (As a side note, it's spelled "rendezvous".)
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Thank you for writing such an extensive reply.
For the record, I agree with you about the Gore tag. Teen should be enough, but I was going by FIMFiction's Tag Information specifically, which considers blood to require Gore in addition to Teen from my understanding.
Going back to “things that would be reasonable to see on the show itself” according to that same page, it depends on whether dislocating someone's limbs counts as more 'brutal' than breaking them. Daring Do did get one of her wings broken on screen, after all.
Then again, this Tag Information may not be up to date. Several tags aren't described.
Taking the multiple factors you mention into account is a good thing—in fact, they're probably even required when it comes to writing alternate universes. There's always the risk of the characters coming off more as an OC rather than a hiccup in the hourglass of time, but seeing how little we've seen of Trixie's reasons for being who she is, it's not surprising that I don't always recognize her in this story.
I don't think a mirror to Spike would even have been necessary to begin with, if only because Trixie is a lot less close to clinically insane than Twilight is. Also because for all of her canon faults, she does everything she needs doing herself as opposed to waving them off to someone else. So I'd call not including an equivalent to Spike a very good thing.
Characters being there for the sake of 'completion,' so to speak, can be problematic. That's one of the flaws of the Elements of Harmony: they're not only a win-button, they're a win-button that requires six characters to be present to even work in the first place. And the movie has shown a thing or two about uneven attention and development...
My main issue with Surprise's foreshadowing wasn't so much the foreshadowing in itself but, as I said, the obviousness of it. I appreciate the red herring, though.
About her tagging along with Trixie, I now realize I (somehow) merged the Lunarbolts with the Royal Guard in my mind when I first read this, which would explain why I assumed Surprise either lived or worked in Canterlot and couldn't leave without notice. My apologies, and consider that previous criticism taken back.
My (poorly worded) point was more about the narration itself than the Lunarbolts. It's just weird to me to see 'she tapped into her inner Lunarbolt,' just like, say, 'he tapped into his inner nurse' or 'she tapped into her inner taxi driver' would throw me off.
I'll also note that my opinion of Pinkie is entirely, thoroughly negative, which may color my opinion of someone who reminds me of her a little too much despite my best efforts.
And I agree, about having more planned than just the finale. The journey has its own twists and turns, after all...
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Personally, I think people these days are far too sensitive to the idea of blood, no matter how little there is. It's actually one of my issues with WWE today. Because they have children watching, they do everything in their power to avoid blood, even though those very same children have probably experience a few cuts and scrapes themselves. A scrape, a cut, a blood nose, they're too minor, common, and insignificant to warrant a Gore tag in my opinion. Now if a character was bleeding out and in a puddle of blood, that would be different.
The same argument could be said for the show. As much as gen 4 claims to be progressive, if you look at gen 1, you have the Smooze as this evil sludge that corrupted ponies by the mere touch, Tirek turned ponies into these dragon-like monsters, and over all took more risky chances when compared to tv shows today. It is a demonstrable fact that children can take a little blood, or handle series situations like death. But tv and soccer moms say differently. In today's tv, the name "Derpy" got censored because of one of the definitions of the words can be taken as offensive. (Sorry for that little rant. It's just an annoying fact.)
Too many Alternate Universes just create copy/pastes of characters with a few minor tweaks here and there. I do try to keep a little bit of the original Trixie noticeable, specifically her boasting. But I don't like the idea of just doing a copy and paste specifically for that reason.
I make mistakes too. And like I said, you do give me an idea for something to do with the Lunarbolts getting on her case for not notifying them of the change of address. Even if it's not a big deal, they would need to know where to contact her if they need her help.
I guess my narrative style doesn't work for everyone.
I can see why you may have an aversion to Surprise because of her similarities with Pinkie Pie. But that's another thing that I'm trying to avoid. I'm not trying to make a Pinkie Pie clone like others might do. If anything, her personality is more of a Rainbow Dash clone. In my mind, I'm basically writing her as Rainbow Dash if she were the Element of Laughter instead of Loyalty. She's impulsive and will take action before having all the information, she's an athlete, etc. It would be too easy to make her a Pinkie clone after all.
Good start on this story, I am looking forward to what happens next. Also I betSurprise will get the element of Laughter.
Good work on this chapter.
Nothing to say except good work on this chapter.
Great work on this chapter. But who are the lunarcore?
Great work on this chapter.
Good work on this story
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I suppose the best way to describe the Lunar Core is basically like religious extremists. They worship Luna as a goddess. And that makes them dangerous in their own right.
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I see, thanks for the answer.
Can I presume the Solaris are the followers.of Daybreaker?
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Yes and no. They aren't followers of Daybreaker per se, but are followers of Celestia. They believe that Celestia is the rightful ruler and that Luna should've been the one banished. Simply put, they believe that Daybreaker is just Celestia. Or rather, they don't realize there's a difference between the two personas.