Fireflower
Joined 5th Jul, 2014 ·
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Shipping 💖11,669 stories ·9,737 members
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- Spike shipping832 stories ·831 members
- The Mane Six 362 stories ·143 members
- Food/Drink/Anything Edible75 stories ·19 members
Slice of Life8,152 stories ·1,460 members
Rarity3,852 stories ·1,999 members
Sparity1,022 stories ·1,906 members
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Whoa, hot unicorn on dragon action alert!
WAY too flowery,enough that I gave up trying to figure out what was going on, and I kept expecting Rarity to poke Spike in the anus with that penis she keeps in her sheath.
9608757
To be fair, I was trying to make it five thousand minimum but went overboard: perhaps, the next time I write about her, I should try to keep it short like I have before; besides, the sheath in question was meant to be a euphemism for a woman's genitalia like Rarity rather than a man's equipment that Spike already has...
This entire paragraph could of been one sentence and lost nothing of interest. "Rarity cut up a cucumber."
I really, really want to like this, but I'm finding it tedious to get through. The grammar and the spelling are so good, and you have a clear idea it seems. Unfortunately, you just over-killed it so hard. Less can truly be more. It looks like you took a thesaurus and picked out the fanciest sounding version of words. I can't imagine you talk like this, and that probably should have been a sign it felt wrong. Descriptions are great, but there remains a point where I really don't need to know every detail of every minuscule thing.
I feel like you went from not describing things enough to taking them too far. There is a balance, where you tells us whats happening and you create a scene it's happening in, without describing every petal of the flower that might be in the vase on the table.
9614130
In your defense, you're right: a long sentence of this should have done the trick; after all, I wanted to make it simulate the passage of time through such an action in question.
Of course, the only reason I went overboard was to fill out the five thousand word quota and it seems from your response, even that was overkill; besides, I wanted to have the feeling that a newcomer can be immersed into the environment like they're starting the first chapter of the very first book.
Nevertheless, I will heed your advice next time; besides, practice makes perfect for a reason and even professionals can make mistakes: timing was one of mine.
9614149
Honestly, there is a place for these kinds of descriptive moments of writing, and the opening first paragraph was it. That first paragraph feels so good at drawing us to the world and the time. It's perfect.
You should worry less about word count and more about if a story or a chapter feels right and complete. Some of my favorite works are in the 2,000 range and some of them are 20,000, because they feel right for their story.
9614193
Thank you, at least I was trying to do something when it comes to weaving a story...
Besides, I'm trying to put my best foot forward when it comes to writing...
9614295
Well, you shouldn't feel too bad honestly. You're clearly one of the most grammatically skilled writers I've seen in a while. It's actually more impressive considering the descriptions you used that you didn't make a ton of mistakes, very few in fact. Your scenes have a clear flow to them, one event to the next, you just overdid each event or tried to make it more complicated than necessary. No ones going to complain if you just say leg, arm, boobs/breasts, or any other normal anatomical choice. Look at the shower scene for example. The course of actions from her bathing to her playing with herself is flawless, but you're going to lose most people to the scene as they attempt to decipher what exactly each part shes working on is.
I don't think your writing is bad by any means, but it feels like you're trying too hard. Personally, I would love, and I do mean love, to see you rewrite this story worrying less about if it sounds impressive/cultured enough, and just focusing on telling the story. I honestly believe you have the makings of a really, really good story. I don't believe this has to just be a failed attempt to throw away, because there is so much good here that just got lost in the wordiness of it all.
So, here's the offer I'm willing to put on the table. If you rewrite this, and you promise to just worry about the story and not the length or making it out to be too... let's say fancy. I will personally, run through it all and offer advise and edits for you this one time before you post it. I don't want to see something so promising fall to ruin, so by offering this I am doing what I can to stop that. Still it's really up to you. You can save this story and put the best foot forward you seem to want to, or you can let it be. Think it over and respond or send me a pm when you've decided regardless of rather you will or not.
A more fine toothed approach will but you on the path I think you want to be on as an author, finding your own style and way that truly works for you.
9615989
I appreciate your complement; to be honest, this ain't the first time I had written a character masturbating in the shower, let alone a woman: if anything, she's the third pony within my clopfics to do so, not that she would be any stranger whatsoever to do so.
I never said I was going to throw this story away, especially since I went to the trouble of relying on art and memes to do so; after all, the only reason I went around to writing it was for the sake of catharsis, as well as to tapped into the potential that they bring.
It would seem unfair to go and makes such significant changes to the many liking what they've written, especially considering the pairing I'm no stranger to writing about; of course, this was the first time writing it with my own framework rather than someone else's words or panels at all.
In spite of that, I'll make you a counteroffer: the next story I write of the pairing in particular, I'll give you a preview with a password in the PM so we can maintain a clear communication channel; besides, you sound like a nice guy, especially one with an affinity for games lie Final Fantasy and the like.
9616738
Very well. But I can't promise I'll have the free time when that time comes around
To be honest I think you should be more interested in if I'm a competent and successful author here than if I'm nice when it comes to following advise XP
9618967
Understood; besides, we have our own lives to live and you seem like a nice man...
Either way, I'll keep that in mind...
9807822
You might as well should've hidden the entirety of this comment with spoilers: I haven't seen the episode yet, let alone any episode beyond season seven by and large; besides, I need to watch the movie in one whole setting as well...
9808450
...
Wish I could enjoy the read, but I can't. There's too much detail that isn't needed for the story. It's basically dragging on instead of getting to the point. Not saying that detail isn't a great thing to have, but in this case, it's not the type that moves the story along with a direct motive. It gets boring after a while. I also see words being used too close to each other and too frequently. Started is the biggie and I recommend eradicating it.
Lastly, the paragraphs are too large. Try to shorten some of them to meet that avenue between short and long paragraphs, to satisfy the particular reader. For your style, it seems more accustomed for you to write a novel rather than a short story. That's just my opinion.
I want to read this more, but after reading like three paragraphs, I take a three day vacation. I quit.
10181516
Sorry if you feel that way about it: I was attempting to shoot for at least five thousand words only to end up getting carried away; I just like Sparity far too much and this was my own undoing.
As far as I'd seen it, I had far too much fun writing it to stay focused on writing some more than this: at that point, I would've liked nothing more than to have Spike bend Rarity over and ravage her; of course I should've done more nonetheless.
Either way, I hope you come back from your vacation to finish the job; then again, I have reason to believe that you already have done that...
10183607
Lol, well said. You have potential and I see it. Just don't overdue what you say and get to the point. It works best for short stories.
10184651
Understood: I have a hard time coming up with what I have to say so far; besides, my last reply was, in essence, a trainwreck because I couldn't concentrate...
10186685
You seem like you know what to say, You're just saying too much. I've seen it before when I edit.
10186748
That's my one weakness out of many: words help paint a picture after all; speaking of which, the cover alone was inspiration for the story thereof...
I liked it although to many descriptions. I just skipped them xD
10829776
Thanks an sorry about that: I was trying to get this story out to have at least five thousand words but went overboard; I just like the pairing far too much to ignore it but even I afmit I should've focused on their lovemaking more...