Errant Finale

by Doug Graves

60 Jack in the Box

“Are we sure we can trust him?” Applejack asks plainly, her voice low. She motions towards Discord, who has contorted his body into the shape of a lotus blossom as he levitates three inches off the ground. Dozens of claws and paws and hands stick up like petals, an odd humming coming from the center where his head is. “That seemed awful easy.”

Twilight Sparkle purses her lips as Discord takes a deep breath, the humming ceasing. “The original plan holds. Fluttershy, you’ll still be in charge of making sure Discord doesn’t do anything too… egregious.” Fluttershy grimly nods, reluctantly watching Pinkie Pie’s fillies sit down in that awkward upright position Doug uses. “Keep your Elements on you at all times, just in case something happens. Oh, and today’s code is... cream and sugar.” The mares nod, settling back and watching.

Discord speaks in a low, mystical voice. “For our first lesson, we are going to focus on… nothing.”

“Nothing?” Lemon asks, frowning. “How do you focus on nothing?”

“Simple!” Discord states as the ‘petals’ of his lotus slowly close to the center, disappearing one after the other into his maw. “Turn your attention to your ‘center’. Then, as distractions pop up, like little petals, merely cut them off and return your focus to your center. I like to think of myself as ‘eating’ my thoughts-”

One of Discord’s paws opens up and tosses three tiny figures of Lemon, Meringue, and Pinkie Pie into the air. They shout in shrill voices and wriggle as they fly through the air, only to be devoured by Discord. A quick check confirms that the three ponies are, in fact, still standing there, leaving everypony somewhat horrified at the notion.

“-but that might be a little, hmm, unsettling.” Discord shrugs unapologetically as the two young ponies close their eyes. “Really, you’re just returning your thoughts to where they belong. Perhaps-” his gaze turns to Celestia “-you might just imprison them in stone and keep them in your garden.”

A grim Celestia takes the opportunity to stand, clearing her throat and saying in a loud voice, “Twilight Sparkle, do you believe you have everything in hoof?” The four pegasi circle down, wary glances at Discord.

“I do, P- Celestia,” Twilight Sparkle says, cutting her bow short as well.

Celestia nods. “You know how to contact me if needed. Stay safe.” She turns to Captain Spitfire. “You wish to fly?” At the pegasus’ nod she teleports away, taking the cart with her.

“So, we’re done here, right?” Rainbow Dash asks, grinning at Twilight’s nod. She takes off, quickly catching up to Spitfire and Fleetfoot as they separate from the guards. “Hey, so, you’re off duty now, right?”

“Technically I’m getting paid for my travel,” Spitfire returns, flying towards the Wonderbolt Academy and eyeing the two ciders clutched by Rainbow Dash’s hooves. She smirks, a wicked gleam flashing across her eyes. “Why? Looking for a rematch?”

“Last one gets to watch the others drink,” Rainbow Dash says, taking off like a bullet, only for Spitfire and Fleetfoot to zip along with her.

“Well,” Applejack says as more and more petals appear under the lotus eater that is Discord, “fascinating as it is watching Discord do, well, whatever it is he is doing, Ah got work to do back at the farm.” She whistles, “Come on, Winona!” only for the dog to shake her head no, then stare off into space, one paw tapping against the ground. “Move along, little doggie!”

“Yes, I should go as well,” Rarity says, walking over to Opalescence only for the cat to dash out of her cover towards her, leaping up to perch on her neck. Opal stands as straight as she can, her head swiveling back and forth, her eyes wide.

“Discord!” the two mares shout simultaneously, rounding on the draconequus. Applejack yells, “What did you do?!” while Rarity yells, “Turn them back!”

“Oh, dear,” Discord drawls, his melodramatic tone not hiding his lack of caring. He mutters to himself, though not very quietly, “You noticed.” The last of the petals disappear as his normal body reappears. He sighs loudly, forlornly, resting the backside of one paw against his head as he stares into the cloudy sky, flopping onto a red fainting couch. “How could this have happened? Whatever shall we do?”

His mocking stance dissipates just as quickly, the two angry glares not abating in the slightest. “I’m sure it was a mistake, and if it wasn’t then I planned to use this as their-” he points at the two meditating ponies “-first lesson. And besides, I like them better this way. So even if they fail, win win.”

“You changed Winona into Angel Bunny!” Applejack spits out, glaring at the recalcitrant dog. “Ah outta tan your hide for that!”

“Applejack!” Fluttershy coaxes, a bit of anger seeping through, “it’s not that bad. You just need to talk to him, err, her right. You have to be patient, firm, and perhaps give just the tiniest bribes from time to time.”

“Or,” Applejack says, still glaring at Winona, “Ah can deal with this varmint.” The gasp of the nearby animals is enough for Applejack to point a hoof at Discord, along with a long, hard stare. “Ah mean that varmint!”

“Gee, Applejack, tell us how you really feel,” Discord says, his voice oddly soothing. “Perhaps if you just wait until after our first lesson, you will see that I am, honestly and sincerely, trying to turn over a new leaf.”

“Ah’ll believe that when Ah see it,” Applejack says, though her voice has lost a bit of its edge.

“Perhaps, a friendly wager?” Discord grins, the tips of his paws clicking together. “If I, or my new apprentices, fail to return your pets to you in the same condition they were when I got here, then you will have my full cooperation in turning me to stone. But, if I do, then you agree to not use the Elements of Harmony against me.”

Applejack snorts. “Sorry, no deal.” Her eyes flick to Twilight, then back to Discord.

“Oh?” Discord asks, peering at Twilight through a huge magnifying glass. “Is this not your first experience dealing with magical modification of moods? Fascinating.”

“Well, it is how I got my wings,” Twilight says, giving them a little shake.

“Oh, that’s what was different! I don’t know how I could have missed it.” A lightbulb goes off over Discord’s head. “Oh, of course! You wanted ponies to not see you any differently because of your ‘new wings’, but I’m the only one who actually got the message!”

“Ouch,” whispers Pinkie Pie,

“That’s…” Twilight says, looking back at her wings, slightly ashamed. “That’s…”

Discord shakes his head. “How silly of me. No, don’t mention it. I won’t either. Oh, and I suppose I can congratulate you on the twins. Filthy half-breeds, but I suppose you don’t exactly have a choice in that regard.”

Everypony grits their teeth as they glare at Discord.

“What?” he asks, shrugging nonchalantly. “If you have to trick Harmony into going along, it de facto makes it an abomination.” He points a claw at Doug. “And she doesn’t even think he exists.”

“Twilight,” Rarity says with some difficulty, her teeth loudly grinding against each other, “how quickly can you get Rainbow Dash back here?”

“I would teleport her this instant,” Twilight says, though her shoulders slump back as she sighs. “Except that he’s right. That’s the price we paid for immortality, isn’t it?”

“Very good!” Discord exclaims, clapping loudly and abrasively. “I imagine you can get, hmm, probably one more out of each of you alicorns before she catches on and clamps down. You know what they say.” He stands up, as tall as he can, regally saying, “Fool me once, shame on... you.” He stretches forward, paws on a podium that just sprung up from the ground. “Fool me twice… you can’t get fooled again.” He whispers to Twilight, though Applejack and Rarity can hear, “I do hope fooling her twice is worth it. And you better do it soon, before she… rectifies her mistake.”

Twilight dumbly nods, shuddering. Applejack and Rarity gulp, though stay silent. After a moment the two take their leave, glancing back with trepidation.

“Now,” Discord says, spinning around and turning to his two apprentices. “On to the next lesson! Your dam,” Discord motions to Pinkie Pie, who returns a pleasant wave, “is one of the few natural chaos masters I have seen. She does not see things as ‘possible’ or ‘impossible’. Instead, she asks ‘would this make somepony laugh?’ And, if the answer is yes, then it is done. Without thought to the ‘hows’ or the ‘whys’, it merely… happens.”

His attention turns back to the two yellow ponies. “For you, first you must empty your mind of what you know to be.” He focuses on Lemon. “You must not focus on what ‘should’ be.” He turns on Meringue. “And you need to lose your notion of what ‘could’ be.”

Meringue struggles with the concept for a few seconds, finally saying, “Acknowledged.”

“But-” Lemon says, only for Discord to cut her off.

“There is no need for ‘buts’ here,” Discord says. He motions towards his tail. “As you can clearly see, I have none at all! It makes for very awkward conversation sometimes, like when ponies ask to use my restroom and I have to explain that I don’t have one.”

“Who-” Lemon asks before remembering that it was her that had asked that question.

“Oh, you know: mailmares, random strangers, the odd interdimensional traveler or two.” Discord yawns. “Boring multiverse stuff. You don’t want to know.”

“I-” Twilight says before Discord cuts her off.

“Yes, yes, you and your insatiable thirst for knowledge. Just be glad you’ll have all of eternity to try to slake it.” Discord holds up a claw, the two apprentices peering at it. “What do I have in my pocket?”

“Nothing.”

“Incorrect,” Discord says, shaking his head at Meringue. “At the very least there is air, but that is so pedantic a response as to be discarded.”

“A… hoof?” Lemon says, uncertain.

“Technically no, but only because there is more than just ‘a’ hoof.” Discord grins. “One more guess!”

“String!” “Bits!”

“Both wrong!” Discord exclaims, snapping his claws. He frowns as bits, string, a hoof, and a black void all coalesce above his paw and hover there. “The truth is, I can have anything in my pocket.”

“Oh, just like dam and her mane!” Lemon motions to Pinkie Pie, who is still beaming.

Discord nods. “To a lesser extent, yes, and she mostly keeps stuff that she put there in order to… let’s say, not upset the ‘balance’.” Pinkie Pie demonstrates by pulling out a cupcake and eating it, then shoving the wrapper back in her mane. “Using a specific location, like your mane, or some sort of ‘activation’, like snapping my claws, is a crutch. It makes it easier, but is ultimately unnecessary.”

Discord demonstrates by not moving a muscle, and yet five portals appear under, above, and to the sides of each of the affected pets. They get sucked through the portals as a sixth portal appears in between the three, dumping the pets out. The five critters line up, warily looking around, except for Angel Bunny who flops on his side and just lays there.

“Now, if you can fix this, maybe you too will get a pair of wings!” Discord grins, but almost immediately covers his mouth with a paw, glancing at Twilight. “Oops!”

“Pretty sure that was a one time thing,” Twilight says, unamused.

“Regardless.” Discord turns his attention back to the critters. “Now, what would you do to get these cute little guys back to normal?” He sighs. “Or at least what you would consider ‘normal’.” He spits the last word out this time. “I don’t know what’s wrong with a cat that thinks it’s an owl, or a dog who thinks she’s a spoiled rotten bunny.”

Twilight sighs. It’s going to be a long reformation.

Comments

[ArchAngelGundam]

Okay, this is going to be good. Looking forward to more.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.

[DarkPhoenixx]

“What?” he asks, shrugging nonchalantly. “If you have to trick Harmony into going along, it de facto makes it an abomination.” He points a claw at Doug. “And she doesn’t even think he exists.”

TURN HIM TO STONE RIGHT THIS INSTANT AND DESTROY THE STATUE!!!!

[DarkPhoenixx]

You gotta love Pinkie-space and Lemon-space lol

[Silentwoodfire]

With how hes talking, 'Harmony' has a form of her own and yet doesnt bother to show

[Jack-Pony]

10342103
Well considering Ocellus has been included, that means the last few seasons are canon in Doug's mind...ergo, yes it does.

[Poparakelis]

Doug doesn't even speak