• Member Since 8th Aug, 2018
  • offline last seen August 23rd

Barley Citrus


I write about the countless coital encounters between humanoid horsies, anthropomorphous equines and at least passably bipedal pony people... Also, I really fuckin like Equestria Girls my dudes.

Comments ( 13 )

Fuck yeah for dream magic!!

That poor guard.

This fic was awesome! Great work, one of the better futa fics I’ve read.

9582645
Hey thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I'd love to hear what made it stand out to you.

Heh, that was almost cute. Thanks. :twilightsmile:

I enjoyed this 😀

Contest judge again. Thoughts.

Like your other story the dialogue is pretty good. This one appeals to my personal tastes a little less than the other but that's no fault of yours or the fic. So most of what I have to say relates more to the presentation.

First off, Luna's way of looking dreams was rather amusing. She browses though pony dreams in search of smut in the same way a horny person browses their overpriced cable TV package for skinemax. I mean, wow, Luna's kind of a creeper, huh? Good stuff.

Here's something that bugged me a bit though. Luna and Celestia spend a fair bit of time pining about the wonder of coming together in their youths. They even partially live out this fantasy through the dream world, at least in theory. In practice, the story doesn't really use the dreamscape for much other than a vague backdrop for the sex.

That's kind of a shame.

The other thing I wonder is... if the story of their coming together is so poignant and amazing, then... why not make the fic about that instead? It'd tap into the first time aspect many fans of incest(myself included) enjoy. Plus it'd give you a lot of creative freedom considering it takes place during the largely underutilized past. You could go wild there.

Anyway that's just my musings, largely. I have a few technical writing criticisms but they are minor enough that I'll save it.

With that in mind, what's left is a good story on it's own, but only a passable incest story.
Thanks, though.

9612134
Thanks for leaving your thoughts again
And yeah, I've always liked the idea that Luna's a low key creeper

The point of it being in the dreamscape is that since reuniting, Celestia has been more guarded and won't open up to her sister sexually.
The dreamscape is how Luna discovers her true feelings and basically sneaks past her mental barrier to reignite things
So it needed to be in the dreamscape, though I guess that didn't come across as well as I'd hoped it had

And I wouldn't say that when they first came together it was especially poignant
It's just that, they have been together for a thousand years, so they're reminiscing about when times were simpler and their first time naturally stands out in Celestia's mind.
But if the story was just about that time, it wouldn't have the same weight,
This is more of a story of rekindling something that hasn't been there for a very long time

Also, if you have any writing criticisms I'd love for you to PM them to me
Even minor ones are a big help
I can't catch all the problems but I hate to keep them in there

9612816

So it needed to be in the dreamscape..

I did get that the dreamscape was used as a device to open up the characters. Them opening up leads to them talking about the good times, which leads to them having sex. The dreamscape was used mostly to get to the sex. And yes, that is a valid use for the dreamscape. But at the expense of probably sounding like an ass, it's also something I've seen before multiple times in other fics(though not all of them execute it as well as you did).

I just feel like there could have been more there. More interesting visuals; a broader journey through Celestia's memories; reality warping stuff; Luna stringing Celestia along for longer to coax more candid information from her; and I'm sure a dozen other ideas.

Or, potentially, they could have woken up after the feelings came out and got together in the real world. Nothing was forcing them to stay in the dreamscape and screw. And in fact, it kind of makes sense they'd want to actually, physically be with each other.

And I wouldn't say that when they first came together it was especially poignant

Going back and re-reading it, I actually agree with you there. You can probably ignore what I had to say regarding that. As shameful as this might sound, I was probably confusing your story with another, similar one. :facehoof:
I've read a lot of princest stories in the past week...

What I will say is that for all the nice writing in this, I'll admit it still doesn't fully scratch the incest itch for me, and that may have more to do with how I value incest fics. I wrote about this yesterday in a blog on my profile, if you want to see why I think that.

As for the writing mechanics, I'll find a few examples and PM them to you.

9612951
Yeah, I didn't really go for the reality warping kind of aspect of dreams, that's true
Just wanted it to stay in the setting of the memory because I thought it flowed better
There was at least one thing specific to it being in a dream, but I'll fully admit that, in retrospect, I could have made it clearer
And that is that Celestia is in her current-day body while Luna is in the body of her younger self from the memory
Which is why their size difference is so much more pronounced

I skimmed your blog post and I see what you mean
I was curious about that because of what you said on my other story
For me, I don't place as much significance in the taboo being a core part of the story
I tend to write their sexual relationship as very normalised to them, like they're in their own world together
And just using their family status to inform their personal relationship
And that family dynamic is more so what attracts me to incest

9614369

I was curious about that because of what you said on my other story

To clarify, I don't mean to imply I felt your other story was a better incest story (from my point of view). I just thought it was generally hotter on its own merits so I liked it just that little bit more.

the poor guy, he was to young

Exquisite.

Login or register to comment