Cutie Mark Crusaders - Bounty Hunters

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During a trip to Appaloosa, the CMC come across a wanted poster, which inspires them to get their cutie marks in bounty hunting.

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BBJBS

BBJBS #1 · Aug 10th, 2012 · · · The Arrival ·

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Alright, having read it, it was decent, but the dialogue seemed a bit awkward and there really wasn't much in the way of description. You might want to work on those. I'll be keeping an eye on this.

thetrapezoid

thetrapezoid #2 · Aug 10th, 2012 · · · The Arrival ·

1060295
Thanks for the feedback and the and the fave. But I think I need to know, which dialogue lines felt awkward to you? And which scenes could use more description?

Ziggrrauglurr

Ziggrrauglurr #3 · Aug 14th, 2012 · · · The Arrival ·

Ok. I believe you have the potential to write something good, and the idea is a great one. So believe me when I tell you that all criticizing here is because I want you to succeed. Ok? Also these are merely suggestions

As the train approached Appleoosa

Give us at least a sentence on how Appleloosa looks and feels like. For example: "The first rays of Celestia's sun felt already too hot in the unforgiving desert. The long shadows projected by the many Appleloosan(?) buildings gave little respite. Watching the approaching city from one of the train's window; Applebloom breathed the dry air around her and gazed upon her two best friends, feeling as restless as the other fillies."

We all agreed tuh stay in

I think it would be better if AJ said "Y'all agreed tah ..."

“Uncle Strudel, ya don’t half to talk to me from only half an inch away.”

Maybe: "Uncle Strudel, ya don't need to talk to me right in ma face, ya kno'?"

said the fire pony. She had thrown the three fillies out the side of the train engine. “It’s dangerous for fillies to be in this room.”

How about:
"said the coal shoveling pony. He had thrown the three fillies outside, by the train engine. "It's dangerous for little foals like yourselves to be in this place!
The three fillies landed facing a billboard at the station.
"But we are big ponies!" protested Applebloom to the already gone machinist. Turning to her friends she said “Huh, I guess we aren’t going to get our cutie marks as coal shoveling ponies”

As Scootaloo turned up to look at the billboard, a couple of wanted posters caught her eye.
“That’s it! We can be become Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters,” cried Scootaloo, pointing to the posters.

As Scootaloo turned up to look at the billboard, a couple of dangerous looking ponies stared blankly at her. A list of crimes and a big number of promised bits lay in big black letters below the pictures of these outlaws".
“That’s it! We can be become Cutie Mark Crusader Bounty Hunters,” cried Scootaloo, pointing to the posters.

“Welcome to AAAAAAAAppaloosa. Welcome back dad, how was your trip?”

Was that a typo or just southern accent?

shouted Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle

You don't need the second ","

The four ponies proceeded to enter the Salt Flock through the double swinging doors. It was fairly quiet as there were only about four other ponies inside. The place wouldn’t get crowded until later in the evening. The room also had a back entrance with a single swinging door that covered the entire doorway, unlike the entrance.

The four ponies proceeded to enter the Salt Flock through the double swinging doors. The smell of salt and stale sweat permeated the saloon while a few lone sun rays barely illuminated the dreary place. A single swinging door covering the back entrance could hardly be seen though the haze. It was fairly quiet as there were only about four other ponies inside. The place wouldn’t get crowded until later in the evening.

The three fillies managed to lose Antifowl within the supermarket

They didn't lose Antifowl, they lost the guard, Stand. I believe you were meaning to say "market", they lost him at the market. You can throw in a line there that they also lost a lot of time doing so.