• Member Since 16th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

RealmOfMereShadows


I'm a cheese-eating surrender monkey!

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Two ponies who'd previously worked together unravel their grief and hatred as the world comes to an end in a border town, merely a mountain away from the frontline.

[Fallout:Equestria short written for the Post-Apocalyptic Emporium discord contest]
[Edited by the gracious Heartshine]

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 3 )

Well, RoMS. This is certainly a great improvement from your first work all those years ago but your English still has a stilted pace. I don't know if your thinking in Native and translating as you go but we need to try something else for a more fluid pace.

Second, I know nothing of these characters. There's nothing to make me invested in them. I love the concept here but I need to see more if I'm to identify more with them and their decisions. Perhaps if I saw something of the events leading up to this point.

Finally, I will say this: there is great potential for an excellent story but it needs to be explored more. This snippet makes a fantastic ending. Now we need a middle and a beginning.

9566693
Ahah, still as biting as the first day, Novus :yay:. Thanks for the comment and the read. And I don't translate as I go anymore. At least I went from a stilted English to a stilted pace :twilightblush:.
For context, this was for a contest on a FoE server. The prompt was "Write about a character facing a rival, enemy, or archenemy." I build it to be the end-ish to an idea I had some time ago. I'm happy to see it gives that feel.

This idea was incredible, would certainly love to see a full piece about what lead up to this moment!

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