Far From the Tree

by Rust

Attack of the Ankle-Biters

Note: I do not own My Little Pony.
What a cruel, cruel world this is...

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

ATTACK OF THE ANKLE-BITERS

The sun rose over Ponyville, sending its cheery rays down onto the land. The effects of this blinding display of warmth and happiness were lost on a particularly large dark teal stallion, who, upon realizing he'd been so rudely awoken from his slumber by the bright sunbeams ricocheting around his whitewashed bedroom, promptly pulled down the window shades and retreated farther under the covers. He attempted to return to sleep, thrashing about as he tried to regain that peculiar position of comfort he'd had until mere moments ago. As if to combat his efforts, the morning sun retaliated with the peppy calls of chirping birds, driving the blissful silence of the day into oblivion. The stallion groaned and peeked out from under the covers, wincing as the blinding light of the sun bouncing off his white walls seared his retinas. A rather large headache began to pound a samba into the inside of his head, the result of a night filled with over-indulgence of a certain fiery brew. He rolled out of bed and fell to the floor, still wrapped up in his covers like a cocoon. The sharp crashing sound of glass hitting the wood paneling indicated that he'd gone to bed with more than one bottle under the covers. A few attempts were made to wiggle out of his prison, but eventually the stallion decided to simply lie there, eyes closed, until his head cleared enough to think rationally.

With a bang that seemed louder than a jackhammer plugged into an amplifier, the door to his room flew open. "Rise and shine, featherweight!" A familiar voice barked out. The stallion on the floor looked up at the intruder standing in the doorway with heavily lidded eyes, debating whether or not to beat him to a pulp now or later. Rust returned the gaze with his own stare, green gold-rimmed eyes dancing with amusement. "Oh, so sorry, Buck. Can't handle a few shots?" The unicorn's horn lit up with a pale green glow, and the blankets wrapped around their prisoner unraveled with blinding speed, sending the former occupant of their embrace into a spinning barrel roll that launched him onto his bed. A few bottles flew upwards with the impact.

Buck resisted the urge to vomit, the headache suddenly increasing its power. "G'day," he said weakly. Rust entered the room in his usual manner, with a quiet confidence and an odd, predatory grace. Buck couldn't help but wonder how the unicorn looked so well; he'd easily drank twice the amount Buck had.

The tone of Rust's voice suggested he was trying not to laugh. "Up and at'em, you lazy bastard! We've got a big day ready." as he spoke he went over to the shades and ripped them up. He gave a sadistic grin as Buck groaned at the increased level of lighting. "We'll show you around your new digs, and then we need to take you to the Town Hall to get your residency paperwork all filled out. Got to make this official, you know," he added as he turned around to go. When he passed through the threshold, he paused and looked around at the knight, who was valiantly attempting to rise from his bed on shaky hooves. "Oh, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders are at my front door. They're asking for you." Rust let out a cackle. Having to deal with the Crusaders on a hangover was one of the worst punishments he could think of.

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Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo sat on the front stoop of the tower. Thoughts of various cuite marks danced through their young heads as they patiently awaited Buck's appearance. The Crusaders had heard Buck was looking for a new place to stay from Applejack, who'd related to them the events of his departure from Sweet Apple Acres. With their usual ear-splitting enthusiasm, they had resolved to help him out. By any means necessary. While Buckshot had been staying at Sweet Apple Acres, they'd taken immensely to him. Several sleepovers at the farm had shown that Apple Bloom's uncle got along famously with the mischievous fillies. He stayed up late with them, cooked them breakfast, and had even shown them some tricks he could do with his legendary leg strength. He was also one of the few adults who actually bothered helping them in their continuous quest for their cutie marks. Such dedication from a stallion who was literally a hundred times their age had won over the Crusaders, and they now viewed him almost like an honorary member of their society.

After searching fruitlessly for most of the morning, a chance encounter with a certain cross-eyed mailmare had revealed the building Buck was last seen at. A soft-spoken, yet incredibly foul-mouthed unicorn who called himself Rust had answered the door. After accidentally imparting the fillies with a few choice words that would make even Celestia blush through his usual lingo, he reported to them that their friend had indeed arranged to live here from now on, and was currently upstairs nursing what he fondly called, "a giant shit in his head". Whatever that meant.

Scootaloo looked up from where she'd been scuffing the stoop with her hoof. "Hey, Apple Bloom, what does 'shitfaced' mean?" she referred to one of the strange words the rust-colored unicorn had spoken earlier while explaining why Buck was going to take a while to come down to greet them.

"Ah dunno, Scoots, Ah'm still tryin' t' figure out what he meant when he mentioned 'the fiery nectar of the gods'."

Sweetie Belle chimed in. "Maybe it's like what happens to ponies when they have too much of Big Macintosh's special cider?" The fillies had been present one night when Buck and Big Mac had decided to have a friendly drinking game after a particularly hard day of work. Apple Bloom's brother had fought valiantly, but eventually succumbed to the cider and had passed out, slamming violently onto the table and sending a brewery's worth of cider bottles into the air. Uncle Buck had then proceeded to make a vulgar thrusting gesture at his defeated offspring before also collapsnig onto the floor, muttering something about a "dirty leprechaun" trying to steal his "lucky charms." All in all, it had been a very funny night.

Further conversation was interrupted when the front door was suddenly blown off its hinges, flying twenty feet into the road before crashing down onto the cobblestones. The Crusaders turned to the now-open portcullis, now filled by Buckshot. His mane was ragged, his bandanna was rumpled, and Applejack's old stetson now had a large scorch mark on the brim. The big stallion shrugged sheepishly, rubbing bloodshot eyes with a hoof. "G'arn... Sorry, sheilas, couldn't get the doorknob ta work. What can I do for ya?"

Scootaloo was the first to recover from the shock. "We're here to help you move in!"

Sweetie Belle launched the set up. "Because we are..." The three fillies took a deep breath. The world seemed to tremble in fear of what was coming next.

Buckshot covered his ears. "Wait, wait, wait, please don't do tha-" His pleas for mercy were denied.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS HOUSEWARMERS!" Their cry was powerful enough to disintegrate a few of the clouds over head. Some of the more delicate glass window panes in town cracked. The three fillies looked back at Buck, only to find him cowering on the ground, two hooves pressed firmly to the sides of his head while he moaned in pain.

"Hey!" came the sound of Rust's voice from above. The Crusaders gazed up to could see his head poking out of one of the upper windows. "Chill the fuck out, guys!" he yelled. "If you wake up Rags before noon she's going to claw my balls off!" He pointed to the broken door Buckshot had kicked into the street. "And tell Captain Klutzbucket down there that he's going to pay for that!"

Buck managed to haul himself back to his hooves. "Ughh..," he groaned. "Come on in, I guess. Wipe your hooves first, though."

The Cutie Mark Crusaders buried him in an avalanche of pain in a mad dash to be the first one inside.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Buckshot on the stairs on the floor of the tower with the kitchen, an ice pack pressed firmly to the side of his head. The Crusaders were sitting around the table, chatting amiably. Empty plates and glasses were set before them, as of yet untouched by food. Rust was busy working at the open-top stove, managing a plethora of skillets all cooking simultaneously. As he moved from one skillet to the others, he was constantly adjusting the heat, flipping the contents of the pan over with a experienced flick of his hoof, or adding a pinch of this and a pinch of that. His hooves danced over the stovetop like a master pianist in his element, yet as Rust worked he barely glanced at the cooking food. "Now, my little ponies, you're here for the grand tour, right?" He addressed the Crusaders at the table.

Scootaloo picked up a fork and raised it in the air. "Right now, I'm here for the food! How long's it gonna take, huh?" she asked impatiently. Rust answered by picking up a sizzling piece of seared broccoli and pegging her between the eyes with it. The broccoli bounced off her forehead and landed in the center of her plate. Scootaloo rubbed her forehead, grumbling about lousy service, but nonetheless speared the offending vegetable with her fork and popped it in her mouth.

Rust continued as if nothing had happened. "Anyway, the Eternal Tower is a marvel of magical engineering." He tossed a pinch of salt from around his back into a pan without even looking. "See that staircase your lightweight of a friend is sitting on, nursing his fat head with an ice pack?" Buck glared up at him from his spot on the staircase. "That bitch right there runs through the center of the whole tower, top to bottom. Now, as you may have already noticed if you'd bothered to look out the fucking window, you're roughly four stories up."

Sweetie Belle pondered this. "Yeah, what's up with that, Mr. Rust? We only went up one flight of stairs! And from the outside, your house only has three floors. How can we be higher up than that?"

Rust proceeded to slam down on the handle of a skillet on the edge of the stove, sending its contents arcing across the room in a graceful rainbow of culinary delight. The entire serving of food landed onto Sweetie Belle's plate in an artful arrangement. "Because, my little pony, this tower has as many goddamn floors as you want it to." He scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Probably should have added an elevator, now that I think about it."

"Whaddaya mean by that, Mr. Rust? Are you sayin' that this here tower just goes up forever and forever?" Apple Bloom mused.

"I don't know, actually. And don't call me mister. I might be really fucking old, but I'm not that fucking old." He paused to slam another skillet down, sending a second stream of food onto Apple Bloom's plate. "See, this place has a spell on it. When you go up or down a floor, you end up on a floor that relates to what you want at the moment." Rust pointed to Buckshot, who had his head in his hooves, groaning softly. "Hey! Fatass! Do me favor, will ya?"

Buck looked up from his misery and groaned faintly.

Rust took this as a yes. "Go downstairs, and while you do so, think about curing that hangover of yours." Buckshot stood up on shaky hooves and plodded downstairs, the metal staircase sending out loud clangs that made him wince with every step. Rust gave a sly grin to the Crusaders. "Watch this shit, It's going to be hilarious."

There was a surprised yell from downstairs. Buck's head poked up from the staircase. "Oy! Where's the front door? The room down there is completely different now!" Scootaloo, who still had no food, zipped over from the table to confirm this. She jumped down the staircase and joined Buck on the floor below. Sure enough, instead of the ground floor of the tower, the room was different. It was very dark, there was a strange coffin-shaped device filled with a blue glowing liquid off to the side, and there was a bubbling fountain off to the other. Scootaloo went over to a draped window and looked outside. She could see for miles, the view was so high up. The hung-over knight joined her at the window, staring in disbelief.

"What the clop? We went downstairs. How are we higher up?" He gazed out at Equestria spread out before him. They could see the clouds far below them, and small traces of frost coated the window. The mountains were so distant they looked like ants. From above, they could hear Rust roaring with laughter.

"Featherweight!" he called down. "See that big blue tank? Jump in that fucker! It'll cure that headache of yours!" A loud clang sounded, an the soft plop of food hitting the table indicated that Scootaloo's breakfast was ready. She bolted back up the stairs, leaving Buckshot alone in the dark room.

Cautiously, he approached the tank. It was roughly as tall as him, and shaped like a large barrel. Through the glass walls he could see a pale blue liquid that shone with a faint light. Throwing caution to the wind at the prospect of relieving the unbearable pain, Buck flexed his powerful hind legs and leaped up and over the edge of the tank. The impact of the large stallion hitting the liquid didn't stir it, however; it just jiggled a little like gelatin as his bulk broke through the surface. Even more interesting was that the substance gave him a strange, yet oddly satisfying, tingly sensation that was not unlike having a fan blowing at you on a hot summer's day. Without thinking, Buck let out a gasp at the experience, forgetting he was under. Immediately, the cool blue stuff shot down his throat and into his lungs. He panicked and began to thrash, albeit slowly because of the high resistance of the fluid around him. His vision began to fade from holding his breath in, continuously struggling to climb out of the tank.

That was when it hit him.

Why aren't I drownin'?

Strangely, he hadn't actually felt like he was choking on something when he inhaled the mixture. In fact, the stuff inside his lungs felt surprisingly good, as if he had just swallowed a mouthful of fresh mountain air. Buck took another tentative breath, resisting the urge to cough as more of the liquid entered his windpipe. His eyes, tinted a bright blue from the surrounding environment, widened in surprise. He was breathing underwater. He exhaled, and the stuff flowed freely out of his mouth, although he did have to push a little bit harder due to the denser nature of it. Now that Buck had restored some semblance of rationality, he proceeded to reach up and out of the tank, wrapping his hooves around the edge, and slowly pulled himself out. He fell over the edge and hit the floor with an earth-shaking boom.

He lay there for a while, eyes closed, as he coughed out the stuff from his lungs and replaced it with air. Buck felt a hoof poke him in the gut, so he opened his eyes to look up. Rust was standing over him, a mischievous grin on his face. Buck spat out the last of the glowing substance. "What the hay was that, mate?"

"That, my dear Watson, is a goddamn bacta tank. With a few modifications, of course. I poofed it up a few centuries ago on a whim of Star Wars nostalgia. It's been curing hangovers ever since." Rust helped him up. Buck noted with surprise that his coat, bandanna, and hat were completely dry, despite being submerged. He had absolutely no idea what Rust was talking about, however.

"Bahhch-tah tank?" he rolled the unfamiliar word around his tongue. He could hear the sound of the Crusaders upstairs performing a holocaust on all things breakfasty. "In Equestrian, for the love of Luna."

Rust walked up to the tank and patted it fondly. "For the benefit your diminutive equine cranium, I will elaborate." he said in a sarcastic, scholarly tone. "Pony sick. Pony jump in tank. Pony jump out of tank. Pony get better. By the way," he added. "How do you feel?"

Buck was about to bark a particularly scathing retort when he noticed that his headache was completely gone. In fact, he felt like a million bits. "Better," he admitted grudgingly.

"Fucktastic! Now let's go. We need to get to the Town Hall before it closes."

"What about the tour?" Buck asked. A crash sounded from upstairs. It sounded like breaking china. "And the Crusaders?" he added.

"They'll be coming with us. It's going to take us half the day to get there with those adorable balls of destruction tagging along anyway." He pulled Buck close. Buck could see the fear in his unusual gold-rimmed pupils. "And between you and me," he whispered, nervously glancing around. "Rags is not a morning pony. I'd like to spare the girls any unnecessary mental scarring."

"Errrr... all righty, then."

Rust slammed his hooves together, resuming his usual calm swagger. "Aaaaalllllllll righty then! Let's boogie!" He began to run up the stairs. Halfway up, he paused and looked back at Buck, who was following a little less enthusiastically. "Oh, and we're all going out tonight for drinks. To celebrate your official residency."

Buck gaped at him. "But we did that last night, mate!"

Rust returned his look with a blank stare. "I don't understand. Why is that a problem?" He pointed to the Bacta Tank. "No more hangovers, remember? And besides, I've got to introduce you to a few of my friends." And with that, he sauntered off to the kitchen.

Buckshot was left on the staircase, staring at the space the eccentric unicorn had just occupied.

This place is off it's cloppin' rocker.

I like it here.

Author: Happy New Year's everypony! Anyway, fan-created OC's will be announced next chapter. I have resolved to celebrate the entrance of these delightful characters by introducing them in the most colorful way possible! And what is that, you might ask? STAY TUNED AND FIND OUT.

Pinkie Pie: He's sending them to the moooooooooooooooooooon!

Author: Shut it, Pinks. And I WAS, but now I can't because you just ruined it.

Comments

[Cloudhammer]

Cloudhamme says bring it

[Cloudhammer]

99107 Cloudhammer even... stupid r key doesn't like to type all the time xD

[Tech_Priest]

Hangover-remover tank AND infinite Vodka???

[Tech_Priest]

weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/aww-yea-meme-original.jpg

[Nathan Traveler]

Well there goes their livers.

[St.Patrick]

Keep doing what your doing.

[Rust]

99116
I like how you think, mate.

:3 Cloudhamme? ....Cloudham? :D Cloud Ham. A name for a flying pig? :D Kekekekekekekekekeke~! :D

[NotABrony]

he really should watch his language around the cutie mark crusaders... I mean even if they don't understand he should know better then to curse in front of children.. Cursing to buck though is cool.. who gives a fuck about what he thinks anyway.

[Rust]

100388
Well see the way I imagined it was he'd be swearing in English, which the ponies don't know, so he could drop all the dirty words around the Princesses if he wanted to and even they wouldn't know the significance of his cursing. The other ponies use Equestrian swears like "hay", "horseapples" and "clop". To them, he's just spouting off gibberish.

[Rust]

Thanks everypony for submitting your OC's for the story! There were a lot of choices to make, but I narrowed it down to the Final Four. These characters are not of my creation, so I must give credit to their creators as follows.
character (creator)
1. Captain Cloudhammer (Cloudhammer)
2. Obsidian (Obsidian Tempest)
3. Omnius the Traveling Guardian (Nathan Traveler)
4. Kashiro (Kashiro)

These four will be appearing in later chapters in roles that I deem humorous to the story, humiliating to the creator, and/or just completely necessary to fill in character gaps. Keep a lookout everypony, I've got some crazy stuff in store for these guys.

[Nathan Traveler]

100752
Hooray! Fourth Wall breaking hammers for everyone!

[Meta Knight]

Excellent

[MC BR0N3]

YESSS!!!

[Sandman]

Rust is now officially one of my favorite OCs.

[Cystenian Remir Rhys]

Bacta. In Equestria. Rust needs a fucking medal.

[linx]

i want to live in this fucking house!!!

[Jolttix]

Jolttix read about the tank and thought. Oh that must be bacta. Reads few more lines. yup, buckshot just got cooler.

[A true pony critic]

'the fiery nectar of the gods'."elfpack.com/stuff/z/1/VodkaCollection/p1010004.jpg?jpg=y this chapter gets a for VODKA I may be hungover but I still love the damn stuff now on a unrelated topic I'm going to be taking a break for a few days I Will continue it'll just be a bit