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AND FROM THAT DAY FORWARD ANYTIME A BUNCH OF PLANTS ARE TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE IT'S CALLED A GREENHOUSE!1,587 words
UNLESS IT'S A FOREST!1,291 words

UNLESS IT'S A FOREST!

Huffing.

Puffing.

Sweating.

The purse-snatcher ran like a bullet down the downtown city block of Canterlot. Sunset Shimmer's satchel hung off his shoulder, but he kept it in place with an iron grip.

He ran across a few intersections. More than a few people looked curiously at him.

But it didn't matter. He had made good distance between himself and the owner of the purse. Once he got to his usual hiding spot, he would dig through the purse's contents, find the things most valuable for reselling, and ditch all the rest in a random dumpster. It was too dumb to work—only it had. Multiple times.

The young man couldn't help but smirk in mid-stride. Who said that crime doesn't pay—

Thoom.

The ground shook beneath his running sneakers.

Thoom!

The storefront windows blurring on either side of him rattled.

Thoom!!!

Car alarms went off. Dogs barked. Children sobbed.

THOOM!!!

A siren song—righteous with the anger of a million marching centurions—echoed from the concrete sprawl behind the thief:

"YOU ARE ALL DAISIES AND I WILL PLANT YOUR SORRY ASSES IN MY WAR GARDEN!"

“What the...?”

Barely able to run straight from all the tremorous explosions issuing from behind him...

...the purse-snatcher turned to look over his shoulder.

What he saw would forever be etched into his retinae. A woman—holier than hellfire—leaping like red glares off the ramparts of an eternal battlefield. Her emerald hair billowed ablaze beneath an iron helmet. In purgatorial slow motion, he could see her sailing earthward like a comet, only to impact the melting asphalt with a rocket exploding brazenly from a lead tube of mechanical nightmare.

THOOOM!!!

And in that burning instant, her body lifted in a conflagration of noise and ash, melting the parking meters and bursting the fire hydrants flanking her. Burning potholes formed in the ground as she lifted back up, her body blotting out the Sun. And as his panicked eyes made out her gnarled green hands loading a fresh new bazooka into a still-smoking cannon, her helmet lifted ever so slightly, and twin eyes peered down from the event horizon of that holocaustal zenith, stretching forever into some deathly pale shoreline of insatiable retribution, white as bone but hot as napalm.

And the Goddess of Death spoke upon the apex of her artillery parabola:

"COME AND GET IT, MAGGOTS!!!"

She fell.

She landed.

A rocket exploded—

THOOOM!!!

—and she launched over him. Towards him.

And Hell followed with her.

“Holy sdaisies!!!” the purse-snatcher cursed, his voice cracking as he jolted into a faster, flailing pace.

THOOOM!!!

Vans tipped over.

Trees caught on fire.

“YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME; MY GUN IS FASTER!!!"

THOOOM!!!

“Jroses Crhododendrons!” the snatcher stumbled to keep an even pace.

TH-THOOOM!!!

"YOU WERE IN A BIG FAT HURRY TO DIE SON!!!”

“Holy flavendersing clilacs sbaby's breaths!”

THOOOOOM!!!!

“I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH YOUR OWN FRILLY TRAINING BRA!!!"

Whimpering...

Squeaking... ….

...the thug ran tightly around a corner and down a perpendicular block.

Midair—without so much as shrugging—Wallflower Blush unholstered the other rocket launcher. Dual-wielding, she aimed herself into a building, fired point-blank into it, and shot herself at an angle to match the perpetrator—all the while leaving a crumbling glass-and-steel foundation smoldering behind her.

POWWWW!!!/i]

She flew after him, overtaking the purse-snatcher with her hungry shadow. Teeth gritted into the ash and sparks haloing her furious descent.

“IF GOD HAD WANTED YOU TO LIVE HE WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED ME!!!”

“Aaaaaaaaaaa—!!!”

The panting, wheezing snatcher flinched, strafing left and right as burning chunks of steel and melting concrete collided with the ground on either side of him. Women, children, and families ran for cover as the entire sky rained napalm.

“Aaaaaaaaaah! Fvenus fly trapsing CSpanish moss on a fpoison oaking fdaffodils stick!!!”

THOOOOOOM!

Wallflower Blush flew extraordinarily high, having spent her last rocket. There was no dispenser nearby, so it was time to finish this. With her twin steel-boots trailing with flame, she reached deep into her trenchcoat, whipped out her shovel, and yanked it aside. The instrument unfolded with a twofold cl-click, glinting murderously in the bright afternoon sun.

"I AM GOING TO CLAW MY WAY DOWN YOUR THROAT AND TEAR OUT YOUR VERY SOUL!!!”

That issued, she allowed gravity to run its course, and she descended thunderously towards the puny thug's rectangular hit box, swinging the shovel at full speed.

==DIING!==

“AAAAAAAAUGHHH!” The purse-snatcher ragdolled violently into the side of a parked sports car, crumpling it. Fireworks went off all around as Wallflower landed loudly in front of him, towering over the fetal fiend while billowing confetti briefly framed a translucent achievement icon that hovered over her head. “AAAAH! MY BLOOD! SHE... SHE PUNCHED OUT ALL MY BLOOD!”

“Rrrrrgh!” Her helmet flopped as she reached down, yanked the putrid vermin by the collar, and hoisted him up—trembling—into her iron-wrought sneer. “I will send my condolences to your kangaroo wife!” And she raised the blood-stained shovel into the sunlight once again, glintingly.

“No! No! Please!” Scrambling, the thief hoisted Sunset's purse off his shoulder and held it out towards the smoke-trailing teenager. “Take it! I beg of you! Just lemme go!”

Wallflower glared... glared... glared... and snorted. She let go of the thug—

“Ooof!” He fell on the floor, shivering.

Wallflower Blush shouldered the purse like a fallen comrade, cracked the joints in her neck, and pointed the sharpest point of her shovel at him. “You're a disgrace to the uniform." She spat. “Get a haircut, hippie.”

He panted. “I will!” He nod-nod-nodded. “I will I will I will!” Scrawling backwards on all fours like a conspiratorial crab, he eventually broke into a squealing sprint, disappearing amidst the crumbling ruins of the once proud downtown heart of Canterlot.

Wallflower Blush squinted steely after him the entire time, like an aged actor might address an empty chair at some political convention, when all of a sudden, from behind—

“Wally!”

“Chuuuuu—?” Wallflower twirled about in slow motion. The trenchcoat, helmet, rocket launchers, and even the boot peeled off of her like soft petals in fall. Exposed prettily to the sunlight once more, her earthen eyes sparkled with adoration and her emerald hair shimmered like a well-budgeted series introduction. “Sunny Buns! My love!”

“Sunny Buns?” A breathless Sunset leaned her sweaty self against the cornerstone of a crumbling building, blinking at her. “That's new—Eeep!” She wheezed as she was at the receiving end of a soft, girlish, well-perfumed hug.

“Heeeeeeeeeeee!” Wallflower nuzzled-nuzzled-nuzzled her shoulder. “It's gonna be okaaaaaaaaaay! Don't you worry!”

“Oh! My purse!” Sunset smiled with relief, grasping the satchel in question as it was victoriously handed to her. “That's cool too!”

“Sorry I couldn't get it back for you faster,” Wallflower cooed, pensively touching two fingers together.

“It's... it's quite alright...”

“I hope your gift for me isn't broken,” Wallflower said. “By the way, what is it?” She chewed her bottom lip with anticipation.

“Well...” Sunset exhaled. “It was meant to be a surprise. But... after all this...” She blushed slightly. “...I might just let you use it on me instead.”

“Heeheeheehee!”

“Hahahahahaha—”

P-Pow!

The two girlfriends flinched, grabbing each other. They looked nervously into the heart of Canterlot.

A burning mess of fallen buildings, exploded cars, and toppling lampposts rippled in the vaporous fumes of war. All around—street after street—rocket blasts formed deep holes in the concrete, exposing sparking electrical wires and spurting drainage pipes. Alarms were buzzing, anguished voices were moaning, and a few children could be heard sobbing as they searched in vain for their mothers.

“Uhm...” Sunset Shimmer cleared her throat. “How about a second gift?” Her smile twitched. “Like an impromptu vacation to Fiji.”

Wallflower nodded, planting her helmet back on and hiding her eyes. "Sun Tzu's got nothing on us.”

Author's Note:

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Comment posted by Vermaak deleted Apr 12th, 2019

CapNTilfy

CapNTilfy #2 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 10 · ·

Dear god, this was glorious. Thanks to this story, the Ride of the Valkyries will forever play in my head and every time I think of Team Fortress 2, I will wet my pants. Thus heralding the incoming of Wallflower Blush, Harbinger of Death and Destruction, Woe Be Unto Those Who Wrong Sunset Shimmer.

Vermaak

Vermaak #3 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 3 · ·

i.pinimg.com/originals/58/dd/42/58dd42058bb32719d4136111ca01fe9e.png

Meet the Gardener.

Edit: yo we need a tf2's 'Meet them All' in Eg universe asap. That would be glorious.

Scratchpad

Scratchpad #4 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

If God had wanted you to live, he would not have created me. That is epic. Gonna steal that. Consider this prior notice.

Spade_McTrowel

Spade_McTrowel #5 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Sunset glared... glared... glared... and snorted. She let go of the thug—

Is that supposed to be Wallflower?

Sill, this was hilarious!
And kinda hot.

--Spade

Skyfall360

Skyfall360 #6 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

This story is awesome. 5 rockets out of 1!

KnightMysterio

KnightMysterio #7 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

Well done. XD

fourths

fourths #8 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 6 · ·

derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/5/2/1722239.png

The Elusive Badgerpony

The Elusive Badgerpony #9 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 3 · ·

psvitafanboy222

psvitafanboy222 #10 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

Teeth fourths rest too???? flying american character???????

Scampy

Scampy #11 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

You actually used the training bra line

Absolutely amazing

FanOfMostEverything

FanOfMostEverything #12 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 7 · ·

A TF2 crossover in the year of our Lord 2019. What a time to be alive.

Glorious, explosive, American madness. Thank you for it.

dragstormer

dragstormer #13 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

this was glorious

Amusementist

Amusementist #14 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Mmm yes. But is her shovel a Strange Market Garden?

Amusementist

Amusementist #15 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

9561741
I agree with this.

Hokuto Ulrik

Hokuto Ulrik #16 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Oh good lord, I am dying here! Surprised that none of my coworkers asked why I was giggling so much. To good my friend, have a .

twience

twience #17 · Apr 12th, 2019 · · ·

XD LOVED IT

Shipmun

Shipmun #18 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 13 · ·

9561782
Now it is

i.imgur.com/D4l1kpo.png

That name tag has been sitting in my inventory for years, thanks for finally getting me to do something with it Skirts

RDgamer321

RDgamer321 #19 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 21 · ·

Men these are the facts as I understand them

1. I am the prettiest unicorn!
2. This hippy will be sent home to his momma in a box!
3. Never send a boy to fight a man's war
4. I'm going to pick each and every one of you maggots and arrangement of flowers! THEY WILL BE LOVELY!
AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR!

I need more of this. Too funny

Aotrs Commander

Aotrs Commander #20 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 1 · ·

Speaking a someone who was a gardener for a brief period, and thus who knows that gardening not about planting things, but is ACTUALLY 95% about killing stuff or chopping stuff up, Wallflower's done a grand job with rather less implements of death than one would typically find in a typical gardener's shed... Good for her!

Rosegfx

Rosegfx #21 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 2 · ·

Y'know, I was confused at first until I saw who wrote it.

This fic makes a lot more sense now

A Random Turtle

A Random Turtle #22 · Apr 12th, 2019 · 5 · ·

You were good son, reeaal good. Maybe even the best!

Honestly out of every story I've read ~~on this site~~ in my entire life, this is my favorite. In fact, the entire time I read this I thought 'This is what the president must feel like all the time!' Truly a beautifully american tale. All the other authors on the site have been dishonorably discharged.

Alwaysthatoneguy