No, this ain't another usual fic. This fic is about a villain desperate to find the light once again.
The Agency is a dark and grim story about an undercover agency-not one that saves lives, one that lives to protect the cult of the Dark-the ultimate balancer of all evil and dark, and the untold truth. Field Agent 21, whom was taken by force into the agency at just seven years old, worked as a major event assasin, along with her dear friend and colleague, Field Agent 24, whom was forced in through the same situation, and Intelligence Agent 13. One day, though, everything changed. The Agency: London, where the main operations were conducted, and where our dear field and in intelligence agents situated at, was under a major lockdown, and had to be shifted to another location-where else, but Ponyville, Equestria. Yes, they travelled through dimentions in time, to escape impending law and order that might have been inflicted onto them if they stayed on Earth any longer. The important point is, this became a very large opportunity to escape for the slaved agents-though they have to pay the greatest price-the assasination of one of the most important ponies of all time.
Sorry for the long prologue. Ponies coming soon!
Yay! But needs more ponies. But very descriptive.
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Moar ponies
1167129
Lol, Eva, don't take advantage of your privilege with the password. Dun worry, ponies r comin'.
What did I say about not having a long description?
I popped this story onto my reading list for some strange reason... reading time! (and reviewing time too, I guess)
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Hmm... I see some issues in the synopsis: hyphens instead of dashes, chunky paragraphs. You should try to shorten it a little, tell only what you need to tell, the rest is just fluff and should be removed. The same goes for the rest of the story.
Introduction:
I think it’ll be better if you do a proper introduction of your character. At least use ‘A pony’ instead of ‘She’ in your first sentence. There’s a lot of information that you’re trying to cram into here, and most of it is stuff that you don’t actually need, at least not for the moment. Your main goal for this section is to get the reader to be interested in your story, so it doesn’t really make sense to put an info-dump about her past struggles or her father’s old suit. The focus should be on her, and her alone.
These sentences sound awkward:
>> She smiled to herself, as the raindrops beat down upon her favourite window.
>> She struggled to stay awake, to stare upon the beautiful moon, the beauty of the dark.
>> It was such a rough street, that even mother sent their kids off to school with small little daggers for safety from drug-dealers and gang riots.
And this one draws attention to the narrator.
>>She was absolutely wrong.
That aside, I kind of like how you made an effort to name stuff such as the suit and the neighbourhood that’s she’s living in.
Plot and other small bits:
Gunshots and midnight murders? That’s interesting. Along with evil disembodied voices and... well, the villain was a little odd. He kind of rambled for a moment or two there, and that made him much less scary than he should have been.
>> Either way, you, a simple 7-year-old,
As a rule of thumb, spell out all numbers.
I think you really need to go through your sentences again; I’m tripping all over them. It’ll be nice if the paragraphs were broken up further too. The plot, however, fares a little better. I think you’ve done a lot of planning for this project and it does show up a little.
So all in all, interesting plot, but not so interesting writing style. Thumbs up