Classified
Firefly Mesa was a perennial hub of activity, whether that meant trainees getting put through their paces or full-fledged Wonderbolts keeping their skills sharp. As Twilight glided to a landing, that activity came to a screeching halt. Ponies stopped to salute in midair, midstride, even midchew. The Dizzitron quietly wound down, the stallion strapped in too busy staring at Twilight to notice he'd ended up upside-down.
"Princess on base!"
Twilight's lack of familiarity with the team and the nearly Royal Canterlot output of pegasus lungs made it impossible to tell precisely who'd made that redundant announcement, but it was enough to jolt her out of her fugue and remind her why they were all holding still and staring at her, hooves at their temples. "At ease!" she called, nearly as loudly.
It was as if she'd flipped a switch and turned a little clockwork airbase back on, everypony instantly returning to their routines.
Twilight shook her head. "I'll never get used to that."
"Not like we're used to it, either." Soarin' fluttered to a landing next to her. "You've only ever come here twice. Once was before the wings, and the other time you had Rainbow Dash with you to nudge you when all that happened." He chuckled. "You know, this is technically supposed to be secured airspace."
"Oh, hi." Twilight blinked as her preprepared social routines labelled "acquaintance," "friend of a friend," and "military" all tried to engage at once. "I mean, um, Lieutenant, uh..."
He just smiled. "Relax, Your Highness."
Snark. Good old reliable snark. That would see Twilight out of the mental logjam. "I hope you see the irony of that statement."
"Heh. Point. Tell you what, I'll be Soarin', you be Twilight. Sound good?"
"Sounds great. Sorry about the..." Twilight waved a hoof, as if to encompass the Twily-nanas-ness of her sputtering. "That."
"It's cool. We hear a lot about you guys from Dash." After a beat, Soarin's expression turned thoughtful. "Seriously, a lot. Did you really get sucked into a comic book once?"
Twilight nodded. "And when we looked for the shop the day after, it wasn't there. And it wasn't even properly licensed as a wandering storefront!"
"That's a thing?"
"Mostly in high-unicorn settlements. Canterlot has eight of them on record. Mom's always said that's how to get the best deals on groceries if you don't mind checking them for curses."
"Huh." Soarin' grinned. "Well, Silver Lining owes me ten bits. It's like I tell him, always bet on Crash."
Twilight tilted her head as she tried to process that. "Huh."
"What?"
"Sorry, it's just that when your brother's Shining Armor, you get a certain mental image of guardponies."
Soarin' snorted. "Yeah. Guard ponies. Don't worry, Twilight, you're not dealing with Princess Celestia's tin soldier collection. We're a bit more relaxed in the 'Bolts."
Twilight said nothing about the flash of interservice rivalry. She remembered Shining complaining about "jumped-up bluebird showoffs" quite clearly. "So Rainbow has told me."
He smiled. "Tell you the truth, we've got Dash to thank for a lot of positive changes around here."
"Really?"
"Sure. Her, you, the other Bearers. Spitfire's been cleaning house pretty much since the day we got knocked silly by a flailing unicorn at the Best Young Fliers Competition." Soarin' looked off to the side, his eyes narrowing. "Don't think any of us realized just how much there was to clean before then." He shook his head and perked back up. "So, what brings you here?"
"Historical research. I was hoping to speak with Captain Spitfire about it." Twilight looked around. Everything seemed to be going smoothly around her, but she could make out some sidelong looks and glances in her direction. She leaned in close and whispered, "Does 'Rule Seven' mean anything to you?"
She could see Soarin's recovered perkiness die a swift and painful death in his eyes. He took a step back and gulped. "See, when I said we were more relaxed, I didn't mean that relaxed."
Twilight winced. "That bad?"
"It isn't good, I can tell you that." Soarin' sighed. "You mares just keep finding new ways to make Spits's day."
"Is there really that much of a stigma attached to Thun—"
He held up a hoof. "Don't. Please. Neither of us needs that kind of headache. She's in her office. I'll take you there. Just get ready to have your ears blown out when she finds out why you're here."
"Understood."
A pall then hung over the pair as they made their way through the base's administration complex. Twilight idly noted several minor ways to improve efficiency—a redundant process here, a poorly placed supply closet there—but decided they could wait for another day. Dash had made it clear how little Spitfire liked other ponies telling her how to run the Wonderbolts, and Twilight would be making herself unwelcome enough as it was.
Finally, they stopped inside of a door little different than any other, aside from the nameplate. "I'll let her know you're here," said Soarin'.
Twilight let a little sarcasm slip into her voice. "I figured everypony on base knew that. Is the office soundproofed?"
Soarin' began to answer, only to be drowned out by a voice on the other side of the door raised halfway to a shout. "Help me out here, Pub. How do we spin 'Princess Twilight ordered the rest of the Guard to take the day off' so it doesn't sound like we're throwing the hero of the day under the train?"
He winced. "Not exactly. Sorry about that. We're kind of in a PR tailspin since we were the only military at the Festival of Friendship."
Twilight groaned. "No need to apologize. That was one of many mistakes I made that week."
"Good to hear you say it." Both turned to see an open door and a smirking Spitfire. "Sound goes both ways, you two." She dipped her head just enough to not completely scandalize propriety. "Your Highness."
Twilight returned the nod. She'd made the mistake of saluting last time and planned on never repeating it. "Captain. For what it's worth, I didn't anticipate an invasion of the capital by airship."
"For what it's worth, Royal Intelligence is getting reamed three times harder than we are, though you didn't hear that from me. What brings you here?"
"Just a bit of curiosity." Thinking back to the Festival of Friendship made Twilight's anxiety slip out of its bonds in the back of her mind. She took a step back, feeling a nervous grin creep up her face. "I should've made an appointment. If you're busy, I can come back whenever—"
"I'm gonna stop you right there, Your Highness. You can come on in." As Spitfire stepped back from the doorway, she added, "Clipper, you get back to conditioning."
"Ma'am." Soarin' saluted and marched back through the hallway.
As Twilight entered the office, Spitfire continued. "Being captain of the 'Bolts means I can count the times each year I'm not busy on my hooves, and a quick question from royalty isn't going to eat into my schedule too badly. And if it's not a quick question, Pub here can probably field it for me." She waved a wing in the direction of a white-coated pegasus mare with a ink-black mane and red eyes.
The other mare bowed enough to bend her front legs. "Your Highness."
"You must be Publicity Stunt," said Twilight. "I've heard nothing but praise about you from Rainbow Dash."
"Of course you have," Publicity said with a smile. She shifted to bring her mark of a rag polishing a bronze statue into better view. "It's literally my job to make her look good." Her smile took on an eager, almost predatory edge. "On that note, can I quote you on the whole 'one of many mistakes' thing? To be blunt, your reputation can take the hit a lot better than ours can right now."
"Certainly." Twilight smiled. Positive interactions, happy introductions. It was enough to cram her worries back into their cell. "Now, I was hoping one of you could answer some questions about Captain Thunderhoof—"
"Rule Seven!" barked Spitfire.
Twilight flinched back, ears flat. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Publicity Stunt had adopted an unreadably neutral expression. "I can see why Rainbow reacted like she did when I brought it up with her."
"Good to hear. She's a fast learner when she wants to be." Spitfire moved to her desk, donned a pair of sunglasses, and tented her hooves before her. "Now, is there anything else we can do for you, Your Highness?"
"You still haven't answered my question, Captain," said Twilight.
"And I have no intention of doing so."
Anxiety wriggled, but didn't emerge. Anger had already shouldered past it en route to the forefront of Twilight's mind. "I am not your subordinate, Captain. You can't order me to stop asking about this." Of course, Twilight's absence from the chain of command also meant she couldn't order Spitfire to spill the beans. The only reason she'd been able to tell the Guard to stand down during the Festival was because she was the mare of the hour at the time. Still, she wasn't going to say that.
Spitfire's flat look made it clear that she didn't have to. "Your Highness, you may have a castle and a crown, but that doesn't mean you can loiter on the runway, and it doesn't mean you can talk to me about certain former Wonderbolts who will remain nameless."
"I see. Miss Stunt?"
The mare just stared at the opposite wall and recited, "The Wonderbolts Demonstration Squadron acknowledges that a mare named Thunderhoof joined its ranks and achieved the rank of captain. Said mare was later dishonorably discharged. The Wonderbolts can neither confirm nor deny any other activities said mare performed before, during, or after her active service therein."
Twilight found herself gritting her teeth and forced her jaws to unclench. "You realize I can go over your heads and get a cup of tea in the process."
Spitfire removed her sunglasses so dramatically, Twilight knew that that was why she'd put them on in the first place. "With all due respect, Your Highness, there are some things you should just let lie."
Twilight met and matched her steely gaze. "With all due respect, Captain, my refusal to let historical mysteries lie is why the sun still rises in the morning. Good day." With a thought, she was gone.
Only when she began to pace about her castle's main library did she realize she'd broken her previous teleport distance record (unaugmented by extra magic) severalfold.
Arranging an audience with Celestia wasn't too hard if you knew how. Timing was key; she always made time for herself just after sunset, and would always welcome guests during such personal time.
Well, she welcomed any guests who were her personal student and fellow alicorn princess, who dropped out of the sky and onto Celestia's private balcony just after the sun sank below the horizon. "Good evening, Princess."
If Celestia felt any surprise at Twilight's presence, she gave no sign of it. She didn't even turn away from watching the moon rise. "Thank you, Twilight, though I must note that half of the credit goes to Luna."
Twilight couldn't help smile at that. "I was hoping I could discuss something with you."
"I imagine you were. Barely more than an hour ago, I received what I can only describe as an aggressively polite letter from Captain Spitfire."
A chill went down Twilight's spine. "Ah."
"Indeed." Celestia moved to a table for two, where a tea set awaited, steam puffing from the kettle. She began the preparations with ease of long practice. "I imagine Luna would praise you for asserting yourself as she has insisted you should for years. Personally, I'm a little surprised by just how adamantly you're pursuing information on Thunderhoof. I've seen you focus on an obscure bit of trivia in the past, but this seems unusually driven, even for you."
Twilight sat, her gaze on the dance of tea, cup, and kettle. "At first it was just to understand how and why I'd upset Rainbow Dash, but now?" She gave a lopsided grin. "Given my track record and how much effort ponies are making to keep this under wraps, I fully expect a descendant of Thunderhoof to try to take over Equestria at some point in the next five years. I'd rather not scramble for more information when the time comes if I can get it now."
Celestia considered this for a stretch, going through an entire cup of tea in the process. Twilight kept quiet, well familiar with her mentor occasionally slipping into such deep contemplation. Finally, Celestia said, "I truly wish I could dispute that."
"You and me both." Twilight took a deep breath. "The confrontation at Firefly Mesa also made me realize just how much I don't care for ponies hiding things from me."
There was the faintest hitch in Celestia's breathing, the sort of thing Twilight only noticed thanks to long years of knowing her. "Ah."
"Like ancient evils they temporarily thwarted."
Celestia cleared her throat and set down her teacup. "Did that come up today?"
Twilight brought her gaze up to meet her, an eyebrow raised. "Not yet."
"In all fairness, I wouldn't call Thunderhoof an ancient evil per se. This was only about sixty years ago, and she was very much mortal."
"True. Though Sunset shows that there could well be contemporary evils you haven't told me about either." Twilight let the idea dangle for a moment before adding, "Like the Storm King."
The fading light made it hard to tell, but there might have been a slight blush to Celestia's cheeks. "I think we're getting off-topic."
Twilight nodded. "True. I'd still like an itemized list of any and all adversaries, national or higher level threats, and other potential concerns who are potentially still at large by the end of the month."
For a few seconds, neither pony spoke. Finally, Celestia said, "Did you just assign me homework?"
"Call it planning for the inevitable."
Celestia shook her head, but there was still a smile on her muzzle. "Luna is going to be ecstatic when she hears about this. Very well. As I said, Thunderhoof was no horrific monstrosity from the depths of time, no spirit of mayhem or anarchy. She was just a pony, but you already know how a terrible a pony can be if they choose to twist their potential towards sinister ends."
Twilight nodded. "Terrorizing other universes, mutilating souls, defrauding ponies across the country... So what did Thunderhoof do?"
Celestia looked off into the sky. The first stars were coming into view, but her unfocused gaze wasn't looking at anything in the present moment. "While she was captain of the Wonderbolts, Thunderhoof was the worst warmonger Equestria has seen for centuries."
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Twilight is growing up so fast! I expect Luna finds this absolutely adorable.
I can't help but suspect that "worst" means she was really, really bad at it.
*Cough* Cosy Glow! *cough*
And in Ponyville, they say, that Twilight's small spine grew three sizes that day.
Nice!
9552136
Sounds like a Thunderhoof descendant might actually be dangerous, so maybe not what you're thinking?
This is tagged Comedy, Mystery, Adventure... So hmm...
----
Typos:
little Spitfire liked other ponies telling her how to run the Wonderbolts
Missing end punctuation.
In today's episode, we see both evidence of Twilight suffering from 'princess idiot ball' and paradoxically taking smart, rational precautions. Hrmm... A delightful paradox. I like it.
Also Luna's implied approval is a nice touch.
-GM, master of Refusing To Speak Of The Mare Who Shall Not Be Named.
These exchanges had me grinning like a lunatic.
Welp!
Warmonger...by what standards?
It would only seem plausible that Thunderhoof recruited Peg as her underling and Corn as her grounded spy.
Just on the account that I took Estee's challenge and submitted myself to that teeth-rotting expirience called Peg & Corn, and the snippet posted in the comments that became the title of this, is sufficient reason for me to put it on my to-read list. I'm going to have to work up the courage to start this... This has the potential to be either very good, or very, very bad...
And now, because I'm a total sadist...
We're gonna find out Thunderhoof stole candy from foals, aren't we?
That fiend!
I hope this does not require homework on our part, because if I have to watch an episode or two of Corn and Peg, (or is it the other way around) to understand it, looks like I'll have to stock up on the booze first.
9552205
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=dr+strangelove+why+did+they+bomb&&view=detail&mid=C4C4ABB8BDB93DFF7072C4C4ABB8BDB93DFF7072&&FORM=VDRVRV
I thought Soarin's name was something they'd changed over time, with the apostrophe originally being included, but Soarin now being canonical?
YES!!! Thank you so much for revealing this truth about Thunderhoof and revealing to me what Peg and Corn which I thought was a new revelation about the truth of this world. You are a true apostle of my heart and can't wait to hear what next revelation you will bring forth next.
Also, if you are interested in getting another cover art and want to commission it you can look me up.
https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku
Oh, boy. Why do I have the horrible feeling that we've already met her descendant?
Corn and Peg, the show that manages to make Filly Funtasia look like FiM.
9552128 9552155 9552201
I am very proud of Twilight's lines to Spitfire and Celestia. Glad to see they went over well.
9552136
"Every Gala, she'd poke ambassadors while they weren't looking at her, then blame other ambassadors when they turned around. It was embarrassing for everyone involved."
"How... terrible?"
"I mean, I did get a few chuckles out of it, but... well, you've seen what it did to our diplomatic standing in the world."
"See, it's horseapples like this that make me assign you homework."
And yes, Luna is sure to be thrilled with having somepony else who's willing and able to knock Tia down a peg or two.
9552178
Huh. Where's she deploying the idiot ball? If you mean dismissing the Guard during the Festival of Friendship, that's just me trying my best to explain why Equestria's armed forces were absent for the entire movie.
9552327
I like to think I'm capable of getting quality work out of almost any prompt. Looking forward to seeing what you think when you do begin.
9552425
When we get to the more crossed-over parts, I'll be sure to provide context so you don't have to go hunting for it yourself.
9552987
I think the only pony who could follow that Rule One is Derpy.
9552547
Eh, it's what I use in my stories and I'm sticking to it.
9552567
No one said Twilight's genre savviness was developed to, say, Pinkie Pie levels. At that point, she'd probably be the figure spoken of in hushed, horrified tones.
You know, more than she already is.
9552581
I appreciate the offer, but using a screencap of the titular character was part of the original challenge. I'll be sure to keep you in mind if I want quality cover art for any other projects, though!
So... she was somepony who could make Trixie's takeover attempt looked good? This I want to hear.
9553017
That is precisely what I meant, yes. The princesshood is contagious.
-GM, master of EXPLAINING ScHMAINING.
9553023
Understood, I will looking forward when that time comes. As for the story. In the meanwhile, I will certainly be keeping an eye from this great story, keep it up.
"With all due respect, Captain, my refusal to let historical mysteries lie is why the sun still rises in the morning."
Quite a line, that. :D
Damn, Twiggles' got no chill.
Oh gods this is pure gold
Luna's bound to be excited too.
Well this escalated quickly
The story is fantastic and damn, Twilight's lines were awesome.
Now, just for the sake of friendship and all that (also, apparently, according to some witnesses, crimes against humanity) don't make me watch the material that inspired it. I love you but not that much.
9552646
As soon as you said that my mind immediately went to Lightning Dust
9553017
Okay... This goes on the tracking list. You have managed to get me curious as to where this rabbit-hole is going. (and having said that, I'm probably of the exact same mindset as Twilight in the story)
*dons hardhat and shovel*
Wasn't expecting all that
From the Comedy tag, I was expecting Thunderhoof to have been the STUPIDEST Captain in the Wonderbolts, not a warmonger. I expected her to have done something that makes Derpy and the Cutie Mark Crusaders' destructive antics look like acts of genius artwork.
Oh my word I LOVE your dialogue. And writing in general. Twilight lowkey calling out Celestia and Spitfire about the obvious importance of her knowing about historical mysteries and current threats was GOLDEN. I hadn't heard of the Nick Jr. ripoff, but I did some research, and I am very much looking forward to seeing where this goes.
This was a fantastic chapter. Twilight is becoming genre aware and the fourth wall is straining. I'll blame it on Pinkie. Dang, Spitfire you were burned there. Even if you're not aware of where Twilight is in the chain of command, it is not a good idea to fence with the Alicorn Princess bookhorse of Friendship/magic when she is Tartarus bent on acquiring information and knowledge!
9552510
Personally, I think it’s a bit silly to use Bing to link to a YouTube video when FimFiction’s BBcode can handle the latter as an inline embed, but that’s me.
9554401
Yeah, but I know how to set up a video link & I DON'T know how to do that
what have you done
9554577
Use the embed tags, or just click the icon of a camera on a page and paste the video URL there. (It's the one between the landscape and the quotation marks.)
9551932
Or When I was growing up... Barney! *gags*
By the time I was 6 (1994) I had come to loathe all of PBS kids programs! (save Bill Nye, who actually made things fun!)
Based on the image... Bulk Biceps is Thunderhoof's descendant. Not much of a threat there. OR IS THERE!!! dun Dun DUN!!!!!
9553531
I was thinking Cozy Glow myself.
9554758
First time I saw them my thought was
"It's hard to believe that this is Fluttershy's mother"
But, no, it was not to be
She should've made a mic appear just so she could drop it.
9554848
Now that I think of it, it might be her.
Hahahahahaaaaa
9554153
Well, if one recalls that the Princess of Friendship almost started a war with Yakyakistan while attempting to improve diplomatic relations, the Equestrian definition of “warmonger” may be a tad skewed from our usage of the term…
9555766
OMG. Now I'm imagining the reason for her being called a 'warmonger' is something ridiculous, like accidentally using the Griffin's special Idol as a toilet or something equally funny.
All right -- because of this story, I watched (the first half of) that episode that Estee linked to. True story: Twice during the video's first 11 minutes, my video player tried to freeze up, which it has never done during any other video.
I'm sure this story will justify what I and my computer have been through, but I thought you should be aware of the suffering you'll be responsible for if something goes wrong.
It's so easy for non-military writers to make the mistake of depicting a superior saluting a subordinate (like me -- I nearly included it in one of my stories until I accidentally found out while researching some other thing). I just wanted to highlight this quote so other civilian authors see it.
Spitfire, you're tearing me apart!
Celestia frowned, "Hey, I got the script for that at the same time you did. I thought it was a joke! I mean, seriously, THREE McGuffins in one movie? Who does that?!"
9559279 To be fair, this is an alien military on a planet with a society that places friendship at the top of the Ultimate Power totem.
They may very well salute each other equally as a token of mutual respect, rather than simply rank-based salutations.
They might also kick each other in the groin for a goodbye. Aliens, ya know?
What is the story cross over of?