Journals of the Royal Alchemist

by Ashfur

Entry 8: The Janitor's Apprentice

"And would you like to explain why you thought it was a good idea to start a food fight in the mess hall?" Celestia glared down at Arcane, whi currently only had one eye available to look back at her. This was due to the pie still covering half his face, oozing its sweet insides down his neck. His tail was wagging excitedly.

"Because it's the MESS hall, Princess-boss! That means it's for messes!"

Celestia pressed a hoof to her forehead, squinting her eyes closed. Yup, there it was. The migraine of the day, for once not caused by the squabbling nobility trying to push their agendas. "Arca, while I will let that slide as it is technically a valid argument in your mind, I can't have you doing this. Just… get this place cleaned up by the time day court is over. Okay?"

"You got it, Princess-boss!" Arca saluted, sending some spaghetti flying off his foreleg and onto the nice tile with a resounding splat.

Celestia walked off, likely to go grab some of Arca's migraine relief potions from her medicine cabinet. This, however, came at the cost of leaving Arca to his own devices.

"Hm. Lots to clean up. I bet I can make this easier. TO THE LAB!"

April 17, 36 ANM

Celestia asked me to clean up the entire mess hall. Thankfully, I forgot to return this old tome on time to the archives, and I think I can use it to help. I'm allowed to use forbidden magic with caution. And if I clean the whole castle, Celestia will be really happy and maybe approve my research into bottled lightning! It's just some cleaning. What could go wrong?

And so Arca ran back to his lab, scribbled an entry into his journal, picked up a broom, and got to work.

---

Celestia let out a sigh. She would almost, almost take Arca's nonsense over the current court proposal going on in front of her.

"I mean, just think of the potential! The convenience! And I have more than proven that I am fully capable of handling such power safely." Gem Shine was one of the most well known of the 'sorcerers' in Canterlot. They often pushed the boundaries of magic, yes, but often dipped into morally gray or outright dangerous areas to push technology further. For one of them to appear in court was rare, but Gem… Gem had come asking for a very particular book, for animating inanimate objects. He had brought in several tests of magical strength to prove his prowess, and his compatriots had spilled quite a bit of ink as they wrote down the results faster than her mages could check them for validity. Thankfully, Celestia had an ace up her proverbial sleeve.

"Gem Shine, I will once again remind you that the animate object spell is forbidden for good reason. That being said, even if I did want to give it to you, my hooves are tied. The spellbook is currently in the possession of one of my own mages, and he's very busy so he cannot meet with you to hoof it over."

"YOUR MAJESTY!" A group of guards rushed in the throne room doors and promptly shut them, most of the earth pony guards holding them closed. Some of the greener guards looked utterly shellshocked, as though they had just seen their first war. "WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!"

"Arca again?"

"Yes, ma'am! He took some supplies and-" the guard did not get to finish as the doors of the throne room burst open with a mighty BANG.

And then they marched in.

Brooms. Dozens upon dozens of brooms and mops, marching in formation as they carried buckets of water in wooden arms extending from their handles. They proceeded to march towards the nearest mess on the floor of the throne room and dumped buckets of water upon it, after which the mops swabbed it up and they moved on. The issue was the sheer number of them. The hall to the throne room was clogged full of mops and brooms, and while Celestia was sure the floor underneath had never been cleaner, it was impossible to see.

And riding atop the sea of cleaners was none other than Arca, riding in his cauldron like a miniature boat. He seemed to be enjoying himself as he reached down and grabbed a tomato from the cauldron, tossing it to another spot that looked like it needed cleaning. "Over there next! Troops advance!" He paused, waving to the group at the throne. "Hi Princess-boss! Hi everypony else! I'm CLEANING!"

"I take it back," Gem Shine added worryingly. "I don't think I want to study that spell anymore."

Celestia smiled. That saved her the problem of needing to explain the dangers of spells that had good reason to be restricted to all but the greatest magi. "I appreciate it. Now let me deal with this." She stepped around Gem, approaching the horde of sentient supplies. "Gee Celestia, why haven't you ever considered having foals?" She mumbled under her breath. "Probably because I already adopted one off of Meadowbrook. ARCANE CATALYST!"

The sudden shout of his name startled Arca, who was in the process of throwing yet another tomato to 'guide' his makeshift army around. This made him overshoot, and the tomato splattered straight on Celestia's flanks.

And then all the brooms and mops turned towards her with purpose.

"Oh no."

April 18, 36 ANM

So the castle has never looked cleaner! Celestia isn't happy though, because once the mops caught up to her they scrubbed her so much the fur on her flanks are gone. It'll grow back but for now she looks like a baboon. She didn't like that.

She also cast the counterspell on my little flock of cleaners, which had the adverse effect of making them explode into splinters. Then she took the spellbook back while I was trying to help the servants who all decided to do a porcupine impression.

She let me keep one of the brooms and one of the mops, though! Apparently my lab 'needs tidying up' and 'papers and leaves strewn across the floor is not becoming of the royal alchemist' and whatnot.

…oh shoot, I forgot to clean the mess hall. My little army never were on our way there when we got sidetracked in the throne room. I hope somepony else got to it before the Prench dignitaries arrive today.

…nope, I hear yelling. I think this might be a good time to go gather ingredients in the mountains. I'll write more later gottagobye!

Author's Note:

Arca is, unlike a certain mouse, fully capable of handling and directing an army of brooms.

That doesn't mean he's supposed to do that.

Comments

[Emtu]

Obligatory:

Edit: Funnily enough, that could be interpreted as being related to programming - it's what happens when you set up a loop with no stop condition.

[Nova Blaze]

Arca might be a royal pain (I'm not apologizing), but imagine how BORING it would he without him.

[Eroraf86]

11308642
Why would ANYONE set up a condition-less WHILE loop? That's just BEGGING for trouble!

[Goldspoon]

11308642
The Original:

[Ashfur]

11308643
That would invite Phillips CDI Link to say it's boring around here, and we can't have that.

[Ashfur]

11308651
while {Arca == true}
setvalue (shenanigains) = YES;
else
setvalue (Arca) = true;

Run program

[TheBrony]

Arcane really is a natural disaster on legs.

[Lorddarkrai2000]

11308693
he's how the universe tells everyone to keep on their toes.

[Da Fennec]

at least he didn't flood things with his cleaning

[Da Fennec]

11308688 11308642 11308651 the loop isn't condition-less or at least without a pause you just need to insert a princess-boss then the chaos is either doubled or temporarily paused

[MLPMekarm]

(sighs) this is gonna be like the early years of Dr Bright isn't it.
that nutty Dr is still after me when ever i go there.
when should i wright up the leter to the SCP?

[Ashfur]

11308894
The O5 council would like to remind Mr. Catalyst that SCP-682 is not and never will be an 'infinite ingredients machine'

[MLPMekarm]

11308898
dose it still count as an infinite of tasty meat??
(sighs) if your able to do so then go for it.
oh i already have on more occasions then those big dummys know. i even got this. (Deadpool shows a picture of him chopping off a leg for a BBQ in its cell with 682 showing a face of confusion on it)
.............. and how dose the O5 see this???
well that and i sell what i don't need to the funny pony in the lab coat. he even pays me in advance.

[Ashfur]

11308937
Oh, Arca and deadpool would get along SWIMMINGLY. Hell, Arca has canonically hored mercenaries in the past, so he'd know how to deal with him too.

[MLPMekarm]

11308956
........... i have no idea what to say.
oh i do sense i'm his fav.
and that explains why you smell like burns from a lab half the time.

[Emtu]

11308651
10 PRINT"ARCA IS THE BEST ROYAL ALCHEMIST";
20 GOTO 10

[Eroraf86]

11308956

canonically hored mercenaries

You either forgot a 'w' or mistyped an 'i' as an 'o'. Somehow, I'm not entirely certain which I'd prefer...

[Efadd]

11308642
While true{

[ChaosDX1]

While reading I said to myself, "Why is The Sorcerer's Apprentice theme suddenly playing in my head? Oh. I know what's about to happen."

[Bookwurm666]

"Yes, ma'am! He took some supplies and-" the guard did not get to finish as the doors of the throne room burst open with a mighty BANG.

[Draco Dei]

11308956
"hired"