• Member Since 10th Oct, 2017
  • offline last seen Yesterday

ArthurPaige


I am Derrick. I am a fanfiction writer, reviewer, editor, and an artist. For those of you who wish to talk to me my time zone is UTC-7. I'm usually active around 12 pm to 12 am. Usually.

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I am Arthur Paige. I am a human. A criminal. Above all else, a son.

I was shot. Somehow, I ended up in the land known as Equestria. Now I will learn what it takes to be a true friend.

Did I say I didn't come here on purpose? In my own free will? The last thing I need is friends. And now, I'm binge-drinking.

Hey, what would you do if you lost everything?


Notes:

This is not a self-insert story, sure my username is the name of the main OC, but that's where the similarities end.

Here's a group dedicated to my stories.

If you're gonna dislike, be helpful and give a damn good reason for it.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 20 )

9538180
Don't worry, it's coming. Thank you for taking interest in my story!

While the premise is very interesting in and of itself, there will always be issues with a story. My biggest issue here was with the technicalities of the storytelling itself. An issue I noticed was that between quotation marks, you didn't know whether to put commas or periods, and capitalized letters or lowercase. I would highly recommend hitting the writing guide this site provides to learn more about those technicalities.

Also, a story should always be told in the past tense because the story already happened; you're just retelling it to us.

But if the biggest problems in the story are technicalities, it means you're doing something right. Keep it up and fix those grammar flaws.

Huh, thieves arriving in Equestria that seems to come out of a prophecy could be interesting story if they can already think outside of the bounds of the laws and have very flexible morals to them. Your writing might still need some work on the conveying information in the sub text or in your descriptions, but the stylistic choice you are using in your writing in going into the action is interesting. Keep it up and good luck.


If you are in need to commission a cover are PM if you have the chance. here is my DA Gallery if you want to take a look at what I can do.

https://www.deviantart.com/amalgamzaku

To be fair, some moments in here were pretty funny. But switching between third person and first person is a big no-no. Is this from Twilight's personal point of view, or is someone telling her thoughts out loud?

Grammar is good, but there were too many paragraphs describing Arthur's past life. Cut that down next time.

But overall, this is definitely much, much better than other stories involving displaced OCs.

You handled the loss of his mother very well. The dialogue was well-executed. But the pacing before that seemed too fast. Not to mention switching between telling the story in the past tense or the present tense. But again, those are relatively minor issues that are much easier to fix than, say, a red and black alicorn cliche.

9567004
Actually Switching from first person to third is uncommon or bad, if executed right, but it can become confusing and it needs to be clearly stated who's POV it is from the very start and avoid constantly changing them in a same scene.

What bothered me in the second chapter was that the description of Twilight's characters was just assumed by the narrator and doesn't explain who she is what's is her character and what she thinks of the whole situation, not even in the subtext. We could easily make a quick subjective description of Twilight like this: 'It was a little tiny purple horse, with a unicorn horn and pegasus wings. The best that he could guess it was a 'she' a trait indigo mane and tail with purple and magenta highlight, and just screamed goody two shoes, or is it goody four horseshoes in this case, obnoxiously so he could tell just by looking at her.'


We also get the same treatment with Fluttershy where she just shows up without any real explanation as to why she would be there in the first place and we don't even get any description about this stories alteration of the M6. I would agree that that the part of the death of the guy's mother was went on for too long.

Keep on writing your are getting better at it.

9568161
I've done a few rewrites. Hopefully, it isn't confusing as it was before.

Oh, and in the second chapter, the narrator is Twilight.

Would you care to explain how the M6 are different?

Now, again, the biggest issue I saw was that you couldn't decide to put this story in the past or present tense. Make up your mind. Earlier chapters show the characters doing everything in present tense. "I sit down." "I drive the car." But later chapters show people doing things in the past tense. "I sat down." "I drove the car." In my opinion, every story should be told from the past tense, because someone is telling it, almost as if they remember what these characters did back then. Never tell a story in the present tense.

I think it flows much better then before and they seem to have a more define personalty now, along with replacing his tragic back story with just a memento at the moment it a much better way to show that there is something important inside of it rather then explaining everything to some strangers who are strange horses to him. Twilight sounds more like a serious in tone which is an improvement over the previous neutral tone she had before, I think releasing a few tidbits about the prophecy suspicion would have helps to show why she has so much attention on to them along with the rest of his friends involved for... some reason that I can't guess why. I would say you would still need to describe all the characters at some point, both in appearance and their subjective impression of them. I think the idea of being in a coma for two months isn't bad but their will be needing a lot of filling up on Moon's friend on what happened during all this time and why he was in a coma in the first place soon. Looking forward to the next chapter.

9571674
Thanks for the comment, I'm sure you won't be disappointed.

I think I know what that was. She's right, surprisingly. We definitely gotta talk with Twilight.

It feels that talking to Twilight is the only thing that's been happening in the story at all.

Overall, good chapter. I liked the talk between Twilight and Arthur, and the adjustments for the rest of the Displaced are going...not well. Which was funny! And also, nice foreshadowing, although dream sequences are really overdone. Just look out for it next time.

9578827

It feels that talking to Twilight is the only thing that's been happening in the story at all.

Don't worry, it won't be.

Mhm, I would suggest that the narrator express what the main character is thinking and demotrate how they are persisting the environment around them, in their own subjective point of view. Other then that it would be nice to know how Moon landed that job at SCC, and how the last two months of adjusting was for him while his friend was in an apparent coma? Think you could afford reviewing your chapter a few more time and see if everything is consistent and clear, as well as making sure that the chapter keeps being interesting.


Keep it up you are getting better at this.

9578897
Actually, the one working at SCC is Uyada.

I am going to publish chapters for the main characters after one more for Arthur. That's where the filling in comes in.

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