Soarin v. Aunt Rhody

by WhatDidIJustRead

Rhode Apples

Liberty Belle strode into the large chamber that served as Fillydelphia's courtroom. Her wings were neatly folded at her sides, her light tan body contrasting with her grass-green mane and tail. The judge, wearing a long black robe and a white wig with curls on the sides, watched her with a stern gaze as she took her place at a table next to her client.

"Well, Miss Belle, now that you are here, we may proceed," the judge said.

"You can call me Libby," she replied calmly as she organized folders on the table in front of her.

"Right. So, Miss Belle, it says here your client... defecated in the plaintiff's rhododendrons. Let us begin the case of Aunt Rhody versus Soarin. Prosecutor False Verdict, you may now make your opening claim."

"Thank you, Your Honor," the prosecutor said. He was a spindly stallion, slate gray with a black mane. He had a sharp pointy nose that always seemed to be just a little bit upturned. He stepped around his table and held a sheet of notes in front of himself. "My client, Aunt Rhody, claims that, on the night of the second of Hooftober, she witnessed Soarin defecating in her rhododendrons. The evidence we, er... collected is not present, but I have a letter from the local guards verifying that it was collected from the scene. Several eyewitnesses also confirm that Soarin was, indeed, in the area that night."

The stallion returned and sat next to an older mare, red and pink and scowling over at Soarin.

"Very well. The defense may now make their opening claim," the judge, whose name was indeed Your Honor, said.

Libby stepped around the table.

"My client, Soarin, is not guilty of defecating in Miss Rhody's bushes, and I intend to prove it," she said.

"If that is all you have for your opening claim, then you may immediately proceed to presenting evidence for your case, Miss Belle," Your Honor said.

"Thank you. I would like to call my client, Soarin, to the witness stand."

"M-me?" Soarin asked, eyes wide.

"Soarin, approach the stand, if you will," Your Honor said.

The nervous Wonderbolt gulped, but made his way to the small booth next to the judge's own.

"Proceed," the judge said.

"Soarin," Libby began, "tell me where you were on the afternoon of Hooftober the second."

"W-well, I was out drinking with the other Bolts. We went to a bar after our show here in Fillydelphia like we always do. I, uh... I got into a drinking contest with Spitfire, and she beat me like she always does," Soarin said, his nervousness plain in his darting eyes and fidgeting hooves.

"And how long were you there at the bar?"

"Um... probably like... two or three hours?"

"Then you left the bar?"

He nodded. She continued.

"And where did you all go next?"

"We... well, everyone else went back to the hotel, but Rainbow Dash and I stopped at a flower shop."

"A flower shop? What did you do there?"

"We... well..." he said, sweating.

"May I remind you that lying in court is a bigger offense than any kind of public indecency."

"We were... were... we made a bet to see who could steal more flowers and get away with it!"

There were gasps all around the courtroom. Libby pressed on.

"And how many did you steal?"

"I... I got away with twenty-eight flowers." He hung his head.

"And how, pray tell, did you accomplish this?"

He gulped. "I... I ate them." More gasps.

"I see. I take it you won the bet, then?"

"Yeah... Rainbow wasn't too happy. She hates losing."

"And then what happened?"

"We, uh... we got into a fight. Rainbow called me a pie-loving degenerate. And I... I shoved her into a parking meter. That's the real reason she has a bruise on her flank!" Loud gasps came once again, and Libby was pretty sure she heard a mare faint.

"And the parking meter?" she pressed, unfazed.

"What?"

"The parking meter. What happened to it?"

"Well... it got bent, and when we tried to fix it, the meter broke off."

"The meter broke off. And what happened to this meter?"

Soarin looked ready to break down. "I... I stole it..."

Loud muttering filled the room, and the judge had to smack his gavel several times to get everypony to calm down.

"So. You stole the parking meter. Where did you go next?"

"We hid in an alley behind a bar."

"An alley? I bet there was plenty of privacy back there. What did you two do while you were hiding?"

"We made up for fighting and hid the broken meter behind the dumpster."

"Made up how?"

"We apologized and hugged."

Libby looked disappointed. "Fine. Tell us what happened next."

"Rainbow Dash flew back to the hotel."

"You stayed in the alley?"

Soarin didn't reply.

"Soarin," Libby said sternly, "the whole truth."

"I... I defecated behind the dumpster... on the parking meter..."

Cries of outrage rang out, and security had to remove a struggling stallion who was wearing a bright orange vest.

"And then what did you do next?" Libby asked.

"I flew back to the hotel."

"Did you stop in Miss Rhody's garden, as she claims?"

"Well... I was drunk, and... uh..."

"Answer the question."

"I crashed into her rhododendrons... and before leaving, I... I peed on them! But that's all, I swear!"

More commotion. Aunt Rhody had to be held in place while she struggled and yelled several obscenities. Once the scene calmed, Libby continued.

"And then you took off and flew back to the hotel?"

"Yes..." Soarin said. He looked utterly defeated.

"Well," the judge said with a quirked eyebrow, "if what you say is true, then you've confessed to theft, unarmed assault, destruction of public property, public indecency, flying while intoxicated, trespassing, and destruction of private property. Does that about sum it up?"

Libby nodded, smiling.

"I see," Your Honor said. "Does the prosecution object?"

"We do, Your Honor," said False Verdict. "There was still fecal matter found at the scene, and the defendant has confessed to being there at the time of the crime. Given his account, it is not hard to believe that, in addition to his other offenses, he also defecated in Miss Rhody's rhodies."

"I find the prosecution's argument solid," Your Honor said. "What does the defense have to say?"

Libby smirked and looked back at False Verdict. "I'm not done yet."

The judge looked surprised. "Very well. Proceed, Miss Belle."

"As my client said, he defecated behind the dumpster. You have a note there, from the local guards that samples were taken from the crime scene, but I have here three more letters. One is from the local guards who, at my request, searched behind the dumpster Soarin and Rainbow Dash... visited. Fecal matter and the broken parking meter were both recovered from the scene and are being held in an evidence locker.

"The second is from the flower shop detailing all of its missing items. As you can imagine, it's a long list. However, the important bit is the six missing senna plants. Senna, for those not in the know, is a plant known for being an effective laxative.

"The third is from the biology department of the local university. I asked them to check the stool samples from both scenes. The sample from behind the dumpster did indeed contain senna, along with most of the flowers from the list, and plenty of alcohol and apple pie. The sample taken from Miss Rhody's bushes, however..."

Libby paused dramatically. Aunt Rhody's jaw was slack, her eyes wide in horror and disbelief. False Verdict's head was tilted, and his face was a mask of confusion. The room was dead silent, save for the whispers of tense breathing and uncomfortable shuffling of hooves. Libby finally continued.

"... contained none of those things!" There was another short commotion that Your Honor quelled with a swing of the gavel. "In fact, when analyzed, the samples taken from Miss Rhody's garden contained digested rhododendron leaves!"

"Miss Belle!" Your Honor said. "What are you saying?"

"What I'm saying, Your Honor, is that the real culprit was... you, Miss Rhody!" Libby said with a confident smirk, pointing an accusing hoof at the older mare. Aunt Rhody was taken aback, shaking her head. "Your Honor, I rest my case."

Libby returned to her table with a smug expression.

"Sweet Celestia, why aren't you a prosecutor?" False Verdict asked. Libby didn't reply.

"Very well... I take it the prosecution rests as well?" Your Honor asked. False Verdict nodded dumbly. "Then... I find the defendant guilty of theft, unarmed assault, destruction of public property, public indecency, flying while intoxicated, trespassing, and destruction of private property."

A loud "Hah!" came from the back of the courtroom, where Rainbow Dash was sitting. She was silenced by a glare from the judge, who continued.

"I also find the plaintiff guilty of falsifying evidence and perjury." Aunt Rhody looked like she wanted to protest, but bit her lip to keep quiet. "However, in the case of Soarin versus Aunt Rhody, on the matter of defecating in her bushes, I find the defendant... not guilty."

"Ha!" Libby cried. "In your face, False Verdict! I told you not to mess with me!"

Soarin, still on the witness stand, threw his hooves up. "Libby! You were supposed to defend me!" he shouted.

"Hey, I just wanted to win the case. Uh... good luck with your fines and parole or whatever."

Your Honor had a hoof over his face. "Court is now adjourned."

His gavel came down with one loud, final smack.

Comments

[forbloodysummer]

This was amazing, and this is the third or fourth time your stories have made my day!

And we all need more Wonderbolts in our lives.

Thanks for writing

[NaiadSagaIotaOar]

Okay, that was great. I loved how blunt and nonchalant everything was, and all the various ponies reacting to the recounting of events.

[Tethered-Angel]

She is a terrible lawyer! Or a good one? I'm not entirely sure at this point!

False Verdict should be double checked on grounds of his name alone.

[karnazom]

"I... I defacated behind the dumpster... on the parking meter..."

I have no idea what the 'Defacated' means

[WhatDidIJustRead]

9527435
Pooped.

[karnazom]

9527474
Okay, WTF?!

[Double_Bubble]

IRL most of those offenses would not be punishable unless someone files a request for legal procedure (in most countries at least), but otherwise it's a fun little story.

[horizon]

'Defecate'.

Still, Equestria's legal system is pretty cool. Needs more dancing though.

[WhatDidIJustRead]

9528601
Oh, crap...