• Published 5th Apr 2019
  • 3,951 Views, 55 Comments

You Can’t Eat The Crystal Heart! - Twilight Glimmer



Somepony got sick of Knit Wit and decided to teleport him to the Crystal Empire, where he proceeds to try and eat the Crystal Heart.

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It Looked Like Candy...

It was about 6 AM in the Crystal Empire, and everything seemed to be completely normal. Everypony was sleeping in their beds. Except for one sunburned pony who was climbing the castle stairs to get to the Crystal Heart. Since crime was so low in the empire, nopony was guarding the Heart, but it was equipped with a magical forcefield that would alert the Prince and Princess if it was disturbed by anyone who hadn’t obtained permission. When the sunburned pony was standing in front of the heart, he took a few seconds to look at it, then, he tried to take a bite out of it. Naturally, this tripped the alarm system. Cadence and Shining Armor quickly woke up when they heard a beeping sound and flashing lights in their bedroom. The security system was designed to only alert the Crystal Royalty and possibly the castle staff. The criminal wasn’t supposed to know that they had gotten caught until Shining Armor and his guards came to stop the offending pony. That is when they should be scared.

Shining rubbed his eyes, “Honey, do you hear that?”

Cadence also rubbed her eyes. “Yeah, it must be the alarm system.”

“Alarm system for what?” Shining said tiredly.

“Fire alarm?”

“We live in a frozen tundra. The only reason we haven't died from hypothermia is because somehow the Crystal Heart magically protects us.”

“Maybe someone is trying to steal the Crystal Heart?”

“Nah. Nopony has tried to steal the Heart since Sombra...” That was all he was able to say before he fell back asleep. Cadence groaned. Now that Flurry Heart was teething, they were lucky to get a moment’s rest at night. It didn’t help that their daughter still had magical surges when she got upset, Sometimes, they even had to call the Royal Mage (who didn’t appreciate being woken up at 2 AM) to help undo the disastrous results of Flurry’s magic.

“Of course. The moment she falls asleep, I have to get up and stop somepony from trying to steal the magical gem that keeps us all from freezing to death.” Cadence thought as she got up out of her bed while Shining Armor slept like a baby. Then, she noticed something on the ground. She looked a little closer and realized that it was a scroll that had been sent sometime during the night. Normally, she would have opened it later, but it had the Royal Seal on it, so it was probably important. Cadence opened the scroll.

Dear Princess Cadence,
Luna and I have decided to retire. I can’t spend another moment listening to some nitwit who wants me to “paint the sky a different color” or “teach them how to open a box.” I could handle it for a while, but when somepony asked me to extinguish the sun, I completely snapped. So I decided to drop all of my duties and responsibilities onto Twilight, who is definitely ready to run a whole country, a school, and solve friendship problems in other countries at the same time. This is confidential information that you must not tell anyone. So, good luck with life, say hello to Shining Armor, and you probably shouldn’t hold court for the next hundred years. Bye!
-Princess Celestia.

Cadence tried to wrap her head around the letter she had just received from her Auntie. “Why shouldn’t I hold court for the next hundred years?! I don’t even hold court now!” Then, she realized that, with all the confusion, she had forgotten about the Heart. She teleported to its location and saw somepony trying to grab the heart with his teeth. Cadence looked a little closer, and saw that the stallion in question was not trying to grab the heart, but was instead trying to eat the heart.

She let out a small cough. The pony turned around and stopped eating the heart. He thought that Cadence looked different. Her mane was messy, her fur was matted, and her left eye was twitching. Deciding to ignore it, the white stallion bowed and said “Hi! I’m Knit Wit. I’m really hungry because Princess Luna wouldn’t go to the moon to get me cheese. So I wanted to try a teeny, tiny little bite out of the Crystal Heart, if that’s alright with you.”

“You’re trying to eat the Crystal Heart?” Normally, Cadence would find a situation like this hilarious, but no mother would find anything hilarious after being kept up all night by a baby who just so happens to be an alicorn that doesn’t know her own power.

“Yes, I am! I wanted some moon cheese, but last night I learned that it is Moon Cheese Preservation Month, so moon cheese is off limits.”

“Wait, who told you it was Moon Cheese Preservation Month?”

“Princess Luna did, of course.”

“I’m confused. If you talked to Luna last night, and it’s about 6 AM now, how are you here? Trains don’t run that late at night.”

“Well...”


“Ah, thank goodness I’m finally over that dreadful hangover,” Celestia said quietly to herself as she woke up one morning. While she wasn’t that much of an alcoholic, waking up the day after a hangover always seemed to bring new hope to the Sun Princess. Today, she would be sure to tell the science teachers at her school to tell their students all about the sun and why you can’t extinguish it. After she put on her regalia and rose the sun, she walked out of her chambers and noticed something. Her worst enemy was standing in front of her. It wasn’t Sombra, Discord, or Crysalis. It was someone much worse. Knit Wit had somehow gotten past the guards and was in the private section of the castle. Celestia decided to not ask how or why he was here, because that would probably lead to ANOTHER hour of pain and suffering. Instead, she decided to teleport him to anywhere that wasn’t Canterlot. After that, she calmly walked to the dining hall to join her sister for breakfast.


“Well, that was certainly an interesting tale,” said Cadence.

“Why, thank you!” said Knit Wit. “I don’t know how I got from Canterlot to here so quickly, but I guess Celestia wasn’t in the mood for questions. I was only going to ask if one plus one equals eleventeen.”

Cadence was baffled. “Um, who exactly let you graduate from kindergarten?” Knit Wit opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by Cadence magically closing his mouth for him. “You know what? I’m not sure I really want to know. So, you say you want to eat the Crystal Heart?” Knit Wit nodded. “May I please ask why you would like to eat a bucking diamond?” she asked as she let go of his mouth.

Knit Wit kicked the ground and said “I thought it was rock candy.”

“If I give you directions and a coupon for the actual Crystal Candy Store, will you leave me alone?”

Knit Wit jumped up and down and nodded excitedly. Cadence told him where to go and gave him a coupon for ‘one free crystal candy stick’. As she walked back to the castle, a thought flashed through her mind. “I need to take him off of my ship chart. We definitely don’t need this guy reproducing.

Author's Note:

Hope you guys liked the sequel! The final one is coming up so expect the unexpected...

Request: I would like some original cover art for the next sequel, so if you would be interested, please contact me soon! I can’t pay in money, but I can pay in friendship! So if you wanna help me out, send me some of your work and I’ll contact you soon!

:heart:

Comments ( 55 )

Congrats! You get a like.

I was gonna say geld him to protect the gene pool, but really... just kill him. o-o Holy crap he's as bad as any villain, and twenty times as threatening. He made the Sisters willingly abdicate.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

Knit Wit's assault on the towers of Common Sense still rages on to this day!:trollestia:

If they want to get rid of Knit Wit, then they should just nuke him from orbit, it's the only way to be sure.

Oh my lord XD This was funny. This whole series is hilarious!

“My teachers always used to tell me that a rumba (dumbese translation note: rhombus) was a square with the top moved to the side! I just wanted a unique-looking house! How many ponies can say they live in a rumba?! This wasn’t supposed to happen!” The stupid pony points to his house. The entire thing had been sliced in half, the top half cleaved from the bottom. There were signs of an attempt to shift the top half to the right before the top half had collapsed into the bottom half, and the officer that had been called out for a disturbance was looking between the disaster, and a childish doodle that seems to have passed for project plans in the challenged stallion’s mind that depicted a process that went from the house in one piece, the cut being made, the top being shifted, and then...the whole thing being instantly reconnected with slanted walls. Who was this guy’s mother and why did she let him leave the nest?

(Note: Dumbese. The speech tendencies of the intellectually unenlightened that just don’t pass in standard conversation. It’s funny because dummies. Was also considering ‘Durrian’, but I wasn’t sure about the efficacy of what amounted to a fruit pun for a language of idiots.)

9549187
Perhaps to get rid of him?
And the apple never falls too far from the tree.

9549193
I don’t know if it was clear, but that was something that came to mind as something I could imagine Knit Wit doing after all the dumb stuff he’s already done.

the first 2 stories were better......:trixieshiftright:
sure hope it gets better in the next fic!:twilightsmile:

I feel like Twilight should be the one to end Knit Wit's rein of terror with something equally stupid...

Like tricking him into digesting poison joke and the spore from the jungle fever plant simultaneously.

9549114
You would also need to Geld his father and tie his mothers tubes to be ABSOLUTELY Sure.

9549242

I'm thinking, maybe, China had the right idea? Nine Familial Exterminations. Just... just take that whole family tree and dunk it. Right into Tartarus. He's more powerful than Tirek and Cozy Glow, and we can't have that running loose.

"And on that day, the Princess of Love decreed the Death Penalty would be introduced to pony society for the first time."

"Meanwhile, in Tartarus, a filly and a centaur hugged as they shed happy tears."

oh sweet jeezus

this is gonna be 20x better when i'm all dosed up on my sleepin meds oh heck yes

9549127
So that explains why today's society lacks it!

Knit Wit

But, doesn't nit wit not start with a k?

9549344
Yes, it is. His name itself is a joke.

if its Twilights turn next I predict something exceptionally out of proportion and silly specially since shes likely in full breakdown mode from getting all the responsibilities dumped on her.

9549477
I suspect the most logical and most effective option for handling this is Celestia's patent-pending tried-and-true method of problem solving: the good old "pass the problem off onto your student" method. Make Starlight take care of it. I'm pretty sure she'd find a way to solve the problem for good, too.

9549236
Like...Instant Reformation? :twilightoops:

Out of the three princesses, Cadance seemed to have suffered the least mental breakdown. But her sleep was ruined, so it kind of even things up.

So I’m guessing the next pony to be harassed will be his dentist, either from candy related tooth decay or he cracked a tooth trying to eat a rock.

9549236
FYI, it's Swamp Fever, not Jungle Fever.

Yay, another Knit Wit story! I'd like to see these animated.

9549120
Nopony expects the Spanish Inquisition! Though I'd imagine Knit Wit wouldn't expect it because he's a dolt rather than anything actually related to the Inquisition.

9549945

Dealing with a teething infant, especially your first one is enough trauma to negate astonishingly high levels of idiocy.

Add in "alicorn infant" and the tolerance levels go off the chart to levels that would otherwise instantly kill Twilight Sparkle via brainsplosion.

Cadence was baffled. “Um, who exactly let you graduate from kindergarten?”

Who said he did graduade?

After reading the story title in the feature box (congratulations by the way) I first expected something changeling-related.
But this is even better!

Maybe they should send him to Queen Chrysalis.
Then they won't have to deal with him anymore and maybe he will even manage to drive the queen insane.

It's a good thing breathing is an involuntary reflex, or this guy would have died at birth.

Ah Cadence, solving problems like only a sleep deprived parent can. In the most expedient and less labor intensive manner possible :rainbowlaugh:

9549528
Are you SURE it's a good idea to hoist up the avatar of stupidity to Starlight of all ponies?

we either need Knit Wit to become the alicorn of stupidity or his stupidity save equstria

how does candence know he already hasn't reproduced?

9549236
That might work. Poison joke might well transform him into a super-genius, just for its own amusement.

9550544
That’s implying that she was sane to begin with. :rainbowlaugh:

9551011
Random stories are like Pinkie Sense, you shouldn’t question it. :heart:

9551036
knowing him, he'd suffer from Wile E Coyote Syndrome and wind up blowing himself up over and over, or somehow smashed by rocks and such

Soooo...safe to assume he'll annoy Twilight next?

What if he's not an actual pony but a magical construct made by discord to annoy everypony with his stupidity.

Something tells me Twilight is next.

There is a competition between the engineers and designers who try to design 100% foolproof devices and between the Universe which produces more and more resourceful idiots. Thus far, the Universe is winning. Same applies for ponies I think. :)

For the love of goodness please don’t ever ship him, everyone.

Make the sequel all the first time each of the Mane 6 have had to deal with him. Pls.

“Why, thank you!” said Knit Wit. “I don’t know how I got from Canterlot to here so quickly, but I guess Celestia wasn’t in the mood for questions. I was only going to ask if one plus one equals eleventeen .”

:rainbowlaugh:

9551011
She's spent five minutes in his presence. She knows.

I have a good name for the next one.

Celestia has a request for Twilight, "can you give a pony a brain" lol.

This is to much for me.

9549347
Knit Wit: "If a tree falls in a forest and nopony is around, does it make a sound?"
Twilight: ":twilightoops: NOOO!!! I TRIED THAT ONE ALREADY!!! I STILL DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER!!! :facehoof:"

Can I kill him??? Please?!?!?!? 😤😤😤 He is so fucking annoying!!!!!!!!! Who has a Spas-12 shotgun?!?!?

He's like gummy as a pony. That's it, nothing else to say.

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