• Published 8th Aug 2012
  • 4,553 Views, 41 Comments

Ditzy Don't - Bico

Ditzy wants to change her clumsy ways and turns to Twilight for help.

  • ...

Best Friends Forever


Rainbow Dash sulked in her cloudy bed. She couldn’t believe that her friend—Derpy, of all ponies—had shown her up so spectacularly. Not only that, but she'd looked like a complete foal. What could she do about this?

“Oh, Dashie,” Mademoiselle Doo called as she kicked the front door to Rainbow’s house in. “Darling, you look absolutely wretched. Do buck up, will you? I have some wonderful news.” She pranced in front of the glowering Rainbow Dash. “Guess who’s just been made captain of the Ponyville Weather Team. That’s right, it’s moi!”

While the rest of her body maintained its despondent slump, Rainbow’s eyes bugged out of her head. “I see…” she said with a calmness that belied her fury. “I’m very happy for you, Mademoiselle Doo.”

“Quite,” Mademoiselle Doo said, leaning over Rainbow and patting her hoof comfortingly. “And don’t you worry about a thing. I’ve made sure you won’t have to worry about the weather ever again.”

“Oh?” Rainbow said, still frighteningly calm. “What did you do?”

“I told them that you’re in no condition to be working as a weathermare,” Mademoiselle Doo said. She picked Rainbow up and positioned her on her cumulus bed, and then she pulled the cloud cover over her. “I’m going to be taking care of you, Rainbow.” She touched her muzzle to her former boss’. “For… ev… er.” A blood vessel burst in Rainbow’s left eye, but she remained unresponsive. “Well, then,” Mademoiselle Doo said as she leapt up from the bed and trotted into the kitchen. “I’m going to go make you some of those delicious rainbow-swirl muffins you like so much. Ooh, we can throw a party. A Doo/Dash Best Friends Forever party. We’ll be the only two invited, of course, but that will make it just so much better.”

As Mademoiselle Doo continued to ramble on in the kitchen, Rainbow calmly threw off the cloud cover, got to her hooves, and bolted out the door… without bothering to open it first.

Spike flexed his tiny draconic muscles in the mirror and studied his sculpted, baby-like form. “Lookin’ good, Spike,” he told his reflection. “Lookin’ reeeeal good.”

At that moment, somepony began to pound on the door frantically, shouting “Twilight! Twilight, you get your big egg head out here. I’ve got problems!”

Spike sighed and went to the door, opening it casually. He opened his mouth to speak, but a deranged Rainbow Dash pushed past him and into the library, swinging her head around to try to find her anticipated savior. He dusted himself off and said, “Like I was about to say, Twilight’s not here right now.”

“What?” Rainbow screamed. “She can’t be gone. I need her help right now!”

“Calm down, Dash,” Spike said, holding his claws up wardingly. “What’s the problem?”

“The problem is Mademoiselle D—augh, I mean Derpy,” Rainbow frantically paced in front of Spike. “First she comes back and she’s, like, eighty-seven percent cooler than she was. But then she’s all like, ‘lookit how cool I am’ and shows me up in front of everypony and now she’s starting to really creep me out.” She took a deep breath at the end of her rapid-fire explanation.

“Whoa,” Spike said. “This is about Ditzy Doo?”


“So…” Spike said, scratching the scales on the back of his head nervously. “You don’t like the new her?”


“Oh,” Spike said. He crossed his arms. “Well, that’s too bad.”

Rainbow pulled at her mane and rolled her eyes. “Too ba—that’s an understatement!” Then her hooves dropped lamely to the floor and her face went slack as something clicked in her brain. “Wait… do you… do you know something about what’s happened to her?”

“Whatever gives you that idea?” Spike asked with a high pitched squeak that bespoke deep guilt.

Rainbow glowered and raised an eyebrow. “Just call it a hunch.”

“Okay,” Spike conceded, his hands held up in surrender. “Twilight really wanted to help fix Ditzy’s problem. So we took her around to all our friends to see if they could teach her to be… you know… less ditzy.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said flatly. “I’m guessing that didn’t go so well.”

Spike shook his head. “No, not really. Anyway, Twilight had an idea. See, she was studying some new spells from this book…” He went over to one of the library’s shelves and withdrew a book with the name Magical Mimicry on the cover.

“Oh, no…” Rainbow said, pure horror dripping from her face. “Did she turn Rarity into Derpy?”

“No!” Spike said, aghast. He could hardly imagine anyone changing the soft, marshmallow coat, the fragrant mulberry mane, or the summery sapphire eyes of the most perfect unicorn in Equestria even one iota from her perfect self, after all. “No, we changed Ditzy.”

“What?” Rainbow said. “How?”

“Well,” Spike said, settling into the same kind of egghead lecturer voice with which Twilight often lulled Rainbow Dash to sleep. “One particular spell allows someone to mimic certain talents or personality traits of another pony perfectly.”

“So…” Rainbow said, scratching her chin thoughtfully. “Derpy’s just acting like Rarity because of some spell?”

Spike held up a claw. “Not just Rarity. Twilight decided to make sure the spell cured every ditzy bone in that mare's body. She wanted to give her Rarity’s grace and fashion sense, Fluttershy’s kindness and caring, Pinkie Pie’s cooking ability and Applejack’s athleticism.”

Rainbow Dash pondered this revelation, and her eyes widened with horror. “Spike… just how specific is this spell in… giving ponies others’ traits?”

“Um... it didn't sound very specific," Spike said, flipping the book open. "It just says here that the spell will give anypony the personality and skills of anypony else and can be broken by a command word created by the caster."

Rainbow considered this. "So... Derpy has all the personality traits of our friends rolling around in her head?" She began to feel a panic building inside her. "Even... even..."

Spike’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "Even the bad ones."

The door began to pound once again. "Rainbow," Mademoiselle Doo's voice called urgently. "Rainbow, I know you're in there." Her voice became lower pitched and she said, "Yeah, I saw you come in. I told the lovely and charming Mademoiselle Doo everything."

Rainbow Dash and Spike locked eyes, instantly recognizing and affirming each other's cold fear. They bolted for the stairs as the banging on the door got louder and more violent and were halfway up when the door shattered under the force of Mademoiselle Doo's powerful hind legs. She leaped into the room with wild eyes, towing a stack of rocks and a piece of cloud sculpted into a misshapen pony head. "You! Will! Love me!!"

"Go, go, go!" Rainbow grabbed Spike and flew up the stairs at top speed. After dropping Spike on Twilight’s bedroom floor, she became a prismatic blur as she rounded up heavy objects with which to barricade the door. When four pony-sized stacks of books, a rocking chair, Twilight’s bed and the bathtub had been piled in front of the door, Rainbow dropped in front of the barricade and reinforced it with her own body weight. Panting and wide-eyed, she looked to Spike. "Okay... Spike... Where is Twilight right now? She's gotta fix this."

"Well," Spike rubbed his chin as he plopped down beside her. "She had to get some ingredients for some experiment she's working on. So she went to the Everfree Forest to see Zecora."

"Zecora," Rainbow Dash repeated. "Perfect. We have to get there, fast." Zipping to the window, she pushed it open window and was about to launch herself out when she paused. "Wait... she's faster than I am." She scowled. "How is she faster than me, anyway? Applejack's a good match at a ground race, but..."

"Oh, well," Spike said with a shrug. "I guess it's some combination of that and our other friends' traits. Like Rarity's gracefulness, or..."

"Or Pinkie Pie's ability to get where I'm going before I do even though she doesn't have wings?" Rainbow guessed.

"Yeah," Spike said with a snap of his claws. "Something like that."

Rainbow turned in horror as she heard hoofsteps coming up the stairs. "Rainbow... Rainbow Craaaash. Come out and play."

Rainbow grabbed Spike by his cheeks and glared into his eyes. "We need some kind of distraction, Spike," she shouted, fear rising in her voice.

Spike shoved himself from her grasp and looked frantically about the room. "Distraction... distraction...” he jogged in place.

Desperation brought a spell of brilliance to Spike’s mind. “I’ve got it!” he proclaimed with a snap of his claws. “Help me move the tub to the center of the room!”

“Got it!” Rainbow shouted and pushed the tub away from the barricade as Mademoiselle Doo started bucking at the door. With their last spare seconds, Spike threw Twilight’s comforter over the bathtub’s curtain rod.

The head of an axe hacked through the wood of the door, sending splinters flying. "Heeeeere's Misty!" came a high pitched screech as a deformed pony head made of cloud-stuff suddenly peeked in from the hole. The cloud disappeared from the breach and Spike frantically fiddled with the last of his preparations. The doorknob turned and the door pushed open, easily shrugging aside the barricade around it almost as if it weren’t even there. Mademoiselle Doo hovered into the room with a poised posture and carrying the pony-head-shaped cloud and a rock companion in her forelegs. "Misty, you mustn't startle ponies like tha—"

"Behold!" Spike called out with an exaggerated flourish of his cape and a tip of his top hat.

"What's this?" Mademoiselle Doo said with the utmost fascination.

Green smoke billowed around him as Spike twirled a large, busy mustache. "I am Spikini, the Great and Powerful! Witness with awe my powers of prestidigitation and my astounding slight-of-claw."

"Ooooh." Mademoiselle Doo beamed with wide eyes before taking a seat on her haunches. "Look at that mustache, Rocky," she stage whispered to the rocks. "I've always sort of had a thing for dragons with mustaches."

"I will now shock and amaze you with one of my most shocking... and amazing tricks," Spikini said with a quiet tension in his voice that made Mademoiselle Doo, Misty and Rocky lean forward in their metaphorical seats. "For this trick I shall require my beautiful assistant, Dash the Incredible."

With erect wings and her nose in the air, Rainbow Dash trotted out confidently in a sparkling gold dress and a winning smile. After greeting their audience with a respectful bow, she subtly leaned to Spike. "How did you talk me into this?" she whispered through clenched teeth.

"Oh, Rainbow Dash," Mademoiselle Doo said, hooves to blushing cheeks and eyes wide with adulation. "I didn't know you were a showpony."

Rainbow's expression soured momentarily, but she quickly threw her game face back on. She knew they'd have to make this look natural. Somehow.

Spikini unfurled the comforter shower curtain he had placed over the bathtub. "Now, for my most amazing and shocking trick—"

"I thought it was shocking and amazing," Mademoiselle Doo interrupted with disappointment in her voice.

"Er..." Spike hesitated. "Yes. My most shocking and amazing trick... I will cause my lovely assistant to... disappear."

Mademoiselle Doo and her friends gasped in horror. "No, you can't make my Dashie-washie disappear!"

Spike paused when his heart nearly jumped into his throat. His eyes widened and shifted from left to right before regaining his composure. "... and then... reappear again."

"Ohhhh," Mademoiselle Doo said with renewed excitement.

“Now with the magic words,” Spike said, dramatically waving his arms about. “Equum defluo!” He blew green flame behind the curtain, causing smoke to billow out. “And presto.” He ripped the curtain down to reveal that Dash had indeed vanished.

“Ahhhh!” Mademoiselle Doo clopped her hooves together in delight. “That was simply marvelous.” Her happy grin vanished and her face became as stony as her rock companion. “Now bring her back.”

Spikini held up a claw. "Patience, fillies and gentle... objects. In order to bring my lovely assistant back from the mysterious beyond, I'll need a volunteer from the audience."

"Ooh, ooh!" Misty made her desire known through squeaks and squeals while Mademoiselle Doo waved a hoof in the air excitedly. Rocky remained ambivalent. "She can stay gone if ya ask me. Last time we met she knocked my rock off."

"You, Mademoiselle Doo," Spikini said. "Come on down. For my next trick; we employ the Crate of Binding."

"'Crate of Binding'?" Mademoiselle Doo asked suspiciously.

"As in 'binding two BPFFs together... forever'!" Spike said.

"Oh, okay," Mademoiselle Doo said brightly and cantered into the pony-sized crate. Spikini closed it up and quickly sealed it with a hammer and nails before wrapping thick chains around it. After he finished his task, he tossed off his hat and cape. His claws lingered for a moment on the mustache before ripping it off as well. "Alright, time to get out of here before Ditzy catches wise," he whispered to himself. With that, he made his way down the stairs and out the door.

"Spikini?" Mademoiselle Doo asked from the box. "Spikini the Great and Powerful, what's going on? Is this part of the trick?" A minute lapsed in silence before Rocky growled, "I think you been had."

Rainbow Dash shot over Everfree Forest like lightning. She could hardly believe Spike's plan had worked. Once he had covered her with his smoke, she'd just flown right out the window. She only hoped he managed to hold Mademoiselle Doo up long enough for her to reach Zecora's house.

It wasn't long before Rainbow saw Zecora's modest home and Twilight leaving it with a goodbye wave to its occupant. "Twilight!" Rainbow shouted as she dive-bombed the most beautiful sight she could possibly lay eyes upon at that moment.

"Augh! Rainbow Dash, what are you doing? Get off," Twilight said, struggling to get out of Rainbow's pin.

"Twilight, your spell messed Derpy's head up worse than ever," Rainbow replied, her snout firmly pressed against Twilight's. "You have to fix this."

"What?" Twilight asked. "What's wrong with Ditzy Doo? She seemed fine when I saw her last..."

Rainbow glared at Twilight accusingly.

“Okay,” Twilight said, shoving Rainbow's face back a little. “I thought something like this might happen.”

“And you did it anyway,” Rainbow said.

“Well...” Twilight glanced away sheepishly. “It was a… last resort. Besides, I thought I’d figured out how to layer the personalities properly. I guess the interaction of four different personalities must have caused some kind of… meltdown?”

Rainbow stared at Twilight for a long moment. “You could say that,” she eventually answered.

“It's alright,” Twilight said. Rainbow let her rise to her hooves and she shook some of the dirt out of her mane. “This is actually a simple fix. The spell can be broken if it goes out of control by saying a simple phrase, chosen by the caster. That is: me.”

“Yeah, Spike told me,” Rainbow said irritably. “So what is it?”

Twilight smirked. “I don’t think it’s a phrase you could say, Rainbow.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes with a scoff. “Just tell me what it is, already.”

“Oh, alright,” Twilight said, still giving her irate friend a bemused grin. “It’s—“

“Twiiiiiiiliiiiiiiiight,” a familiar voice screamed as a small purple blur streaked into the clearing.

“Spike?” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What’s going on?”

“She’s coming,” Spike said hysterically while clutching his head and running in place. “She’s going to get us!”

“Calm down, Spike,” Twilight said. “Who’s coming?”

Rainbow snorted as she heard the flapping of pegasus wings. “Who do you think?”

“Geronimo,” Rocky shouted as his component rocks flew out of the trees. Rocky’s alleged head hit Twilight square in her horn, knocking her out cold.

“Horseapples,” Rainbow cursed.

“I have you now, Rainbow,” Mademoiselle Doo declared, landing in a triumphant pose.

“Listen,” Rainbow Dash said as she slowly backed away. “You don’t want to do this.”

“Oh, don’t I?” Mademoiselle Doo said with a sneer. “And why not? Don’t you want to be taken care of?”

Rainbow Dash frowned. “Well, yeah it’s okay sometimes, but… I mean, the way you’re doing it’s just...demeaning. Sure I can be messy and sure I screwed up on that tornado, but that doesn’t mean you can treat me like a dumb foal. Do you have any idea how that…?” She trailed off.

“I do,” Mademoiselle Doo said coldly. “Now come on home with me.” Misty popped up from behind her and added, “Yeah, and we’ll make you cupcakes.”

The way Misty said that really put Rainbow Dash on edge. Then again, she’d had some bad dreams about cupcakes. She shook her head. “No, listen Derp… I mean… Ditzy Doo… I know I haven’t been treating you all that well. Maybe I’ve been a little… well… a lot… condescending. And that was wrong of me, because even though you’re pretty clumsy sometimes, you’re also one of the bravest, kindest, and most self-sacrificing ponies I’ve ever met. And that’s why you’re one of my very best friends.”

“And we’ll be friends for… ev… er,” Mademoiselle Doo declared.

“Right…” Rainbow said, backing away slightly. She sighed and her ears flopped down the sides of her head. “Listen… I guess what I’m trying to say is… Ditzy, I’m sorry.”

Mademoiselle Doo halted as if she’d just run into an invisible barrier, and her body began to glow softly. She then glowed more and more brightly until Dash had to avert her eyes from the glare. Then, almost as quickly the light faded.

“It’s okay, Rainbow Dash,” Ditzy said happily.

Rainbow beamed and galloped to her friend, scooping her up into a big hug. “Ditzy, you don’t know how happy I am to hear your honest-to-goodness voice again.”

Ditzy blushed when Rainbow released her and said, “Sorry, Rainbow Dash. I guess even when I got all graceful I still managed to mess things up.”

Rainbow Dash smiled. “Nah, that wasn’t you.”

“Ohh…” Twilight groaned as she regained consciousness. She blinked in surprise upon seeing Ditzy back to her walleyed state. “I… I see you managed to find the phrase after all. Didn’t think you had it in you to actually apologize to her. Much less use her real name.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said, holding her snout a little higher with a smarmy grin spread across her muzzle. “Well, I guess you didn’t know me as well as you thought.”

“And you didn’t know Ditzy as well as you thought, either,” Twilight said, shooting Rainbow a suggestive look. “Did you?”

“I… guess not,” Rainbow Dash said, bowing her head. “Ya know, I guess I did learn something about friendship today…”

“Spike?” Twilight said.

“On it,” the baby dragon replied, whipping out a quill and a piece of parchment. He looked up at Rainbow expectantly.

“Um… which… I’ll tell you all about later,” Rainbow Dash said, leaping into a hover. “Right now, I have to break the ‘bad’ news to the weather team.” She frowned. “Oh, it will be bad news for them, alright.” Then she zipped away toward Ponyville, leaving the others behind.

“We’ll get her later, Spike,” Twilight said with a determined smile.

“Well,” Ditzy said, leaning toward Twilight and giving her an expectant grin, “I guess I learned something about friendship, too…”

“Oh, really?” Twilight asked dubiously. “Well, you are a friend, so…”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hi, I’m Ditzy Doo, but my friends call me Derpy. Rainbow Dash is one of my best friends even though she sometimes gets mad at me because I’m so clumsy. Not long ago, she got really mad at me for some trouble I caused and I tried to change to make her happy. Well, I learned that while it’s not bad to improve yourself, you should never change who you are to please anypony else. I may be clumsy, my eyes may not point the same direction all the time, and my voice may sound a little coltish, but that’s what makes me who I am.

Your loyal subject,

Ditzy “Derpy” Doo


Author's Note:

Edited 12MAY13 by BBofC of the Proof-reading, Pre-reading, and Editing Group.

Comments ( 28 )


1050035 The proper name is Ditzy, the name everypony else uses is Derpy. There, I saved your head cannon, now shut up and read.

1050035 Sorry for you, dood. I, personally, liked the idea of Ditzy Doo being her proper name and Derpy being a nickname. It's a neat way to resolve the problem of being referred to by two different names (like the "Lyra Heartstrings" compromise). Further, I like the idea that "Derpy" is some kind of pet name RD uses for her.

1050359 I'm pretty sure she can't, officially. She's just being a douche. I imagined it as something similar to one of those westerns in which one of the characters, who has no authority whatsoever aside from a quick draw, tells another to get the hell out of Dodge. She wasn't really sincere, anyway.

I could sit here and rage all day. But I'd just be a douche. And besides the disagreement between canon names, it's a well written fic.

1052579 Yeah, it's not too healthy to get bent out of shape over a triviality. Besides, I have my reasons.

Rage of Futershy :flutterrage:
Insanity of Pinkie :pinkiecrazy:
Strength of Applejack :applejackconfused:
and the Drama of Rarity :raritydespair:

By these powers combined we have
Mademoiselle Doo :derpyderp1::derpytongue2:

Well done have :moustache:

1251733 I shall treasure it always.:applecry:

Oh crap, Derpy was going to take Dash and rip her up to make muffins......:pinkiecrazy:

This was fantastic. Good job, friend!

The lesson at the end, maybe that should have been Twilight's friendship lesson since she wanted to be the one to change Ditzy.:twilightoops:

Cute but the idea that Dash skips on the letter writing feels a bit off.

2765558 Oh, she's just shy.

2760156 Well, Twilight wanted to help. Rainbow wanted her to change, though she certainly wasn't being as literal as Derpy took it. I felt Derpy was best as she was the one who wanted to change for somepony else's sake, and I feel like her lesson was the most valuable.

2759474 Thanks, I try.

2757479 Shshshhh, that was just a bad dream. Now, just eat this cupcake...

2768887 Oh, Stat, I do declare you make me blush like a schoolfilly.:twilightblush:

I enjoyed. My only criticism would be Ditzy seemed a bit too stupid. Nothing wrong with it, just not my flavor of Derpy/Ditzy.


Probably, but then again this is a world where pegasi can stand on clouds.


I don't really see her as stupid. Mostly clumsy and... Well, ditzy. That's pretty much how she was portrayed in her major appearance, so though I'm sure she comprehends temporal physics with ease, sometimes those really obvious things like checking to make sure the bucket you're giving the chickens is full of seeds and not fiery lizards of death. I kind of relate to that.

I told the lovely and charming Mademoiselle Doo everything."

I think you left a word out.

"Rainbow... Rainbow Craaaash. Come out and play."

That's not nice.

I found this entire story, because of it being mentioned on TV Tropes, and RD mentioning how she hated Derpy treating her like a retarded foal. And it finally snapping into place that she had been treating Derpy the exact same way.


I think you left a word out.

I don't think so...

Glad you liked the story, though. This was pretty much the first story idea that occurred to me when I first started watching the show, based mainly on her first speaking role. I'd only barely started delving into the fan interpretations of her character at the time, so it was almost all my own raw impressions. It's good to know that it's been received generally well.


She's like some kind of subconscious miracle arsonist.

Hello. I have read what would be considered the sequel to this story, 'Rolling in Beaches'. I liked it and favorited it, but something was bothering me sense I learned about this story and found out it came before what I have read, and that is that I don't really see the relation to each other.


It isn't so much a direct sequel as it is set in the same continuity chronologically before. In fact, the events of this fic do become relevent when Derpy shows up again in another sequel, Atlas Strongest Tournament. In fact, her longma master who was alluded to in this story also shows up.

Oh, alright. I was just confused, but that helps:pinkiehappy:

Oh Fuck that was creepy Worthy of Horror Cupcakes :pinkiecrazy:

Comment posted by Alphamon_Ouryuken deleted Feb 5th, 2017

Am I the only one who thought this was a little too mean-spirited towards Dash? I mean sure she was a bit of a jerk, but Twilight was the one who cast the spell. And then there's the fact that everyone turned on Dash so easily. Plus Twilight comes off as a smug ass jerk by withholding the trigger phrase and acts like RD deserves to be treated like a foal and is never called out on how reckless she was being by pulling off a spell like that.

All in all, this felt like a discount Mare Do-Well episode.

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