Wake-up Call
There were a million things Omen had wanted to do before he left. Maybe taking Princess Twilight up on her offer of a picnic, or perhaps watching to see if certain ponies would mind a friendly spar. This place was so different from the dingy, neon-lit alleys of home that he had wanted to sample it all. However, his first issue was learning of the world he had been shoved towards by pure universal happenstance. Instead, he was up at almost midnight, buttoning up his favorite suit. Black shirt, black jacket, red tie. None of the sharp edges or strange geometry that the richer folk of his homeworld preferred, just a timeless suit. He began closing all the latches on his fabricator, shutting down each engine individually to prep it for transport before folding it in half, allowing it to look like a normal suitcase. He smiled down at it before pulling two gems from his pocket. He rolled them around his fingers like a magician before dropping one at his feet. "Well," He spoke, his slight Cockney accent sliding through his teeth. "Let's go have a quick meetin'."
***
Vaunted Title was having a wonderful night. True, his meeting to ensure his claim to banish that ape living with Twilight had taken much longer than he anticipated, but negotiations were always worthwhile when you succeded, and he had. The votes were in before the claim would even be read. So he could trot happily to his office to finalize the paperwork, and then he'd be the one to secure that creatures belongings for the crown. Some might say it was heartless to ruin the ape's life simply for the acclaim of securing a powerful tool for Equestria, but that wasn't important. What happened to some non-pony living in his town was easily ignored, and would be quickly forgotten.
So it was with a clean conscious that he opened the door to his abandoned office, making his way in with a smug grin. That is, until he shut the door. When the door shut behind him an audible click was heard, before a cockney voice chimed out. "Well hello there Guvna, having a shiny day?"
Titles froze as his lanterns were lit one by one by the ape he was just thinking about. Omen was walking slowly, lighting each lantern with a hand made of steel and wires. He paused at one. "Oh, before you wake up from shock I should probably do somethin' bout that pigsticker o' yours." Omen walked up easily, pulling a small piece of metal from his pocket. He slid it around Title's horn. He nodded as he backed away. After spending a moment appreciating his work he moved behind Vaunted Title's desk, sitting in his chair. With a happy sigh he leaned back, letting his feet rest on the desk. "You don't mind if I prop me feet, right guv? After all, this is my last night in Equestria thanks to you. Only seems kind of you to let me enjoy it."
Title began stammering as Omen began lazily searching through his desk. Omen waved a free hand in the air without a care. "Sh-sh-shhh, none of that guv, ain't no one gonna hear us, and the only other thing in the room don't want to hear it." His fingers closed around something glass in a loose drawer, and he pulled it out with a grin. "Aha, knew you'd keep some good stuff in your office! You business types are the same no matter what world you're in." He removed the glass beaker before pulling back a sip. He let it sit in his mouth for a moment before swallowing. "Gin, why do rich boys always drink gin? Not that it matters. I'm here to share some things with you before I make my merry way out of here."
Title found his tongue again, finally forming a sentence with which to respond. "Wh-what you share doesn't matter. You're dangerous, and by the end of the week you'll be gone."
Omen let out a cheery laugh, waving the bottle in the air and spiling expensive bourbon over the carpeted floor. "Mate, you don't need to muck about with me. I found a few of your more private files before you even walked in. Dropped them in the postbox straight to Lady Twilight's door. Should be there by tomorrow, and with your signature on everything, well..." Omen's grin turned feral. "If it weren't for you targeting me it would be a political kill for sure. But since you went after my pretty little neck, it's got to be a bit more literal."
With his metal hand he reached into his jacket, pulling out a machine of steel and wood. He held it loosely in his grip, bouncing his hand a couple of times. "See, I was wary to share my more dangerous toys with you ponies. So much innocence piled up in one little package, had to be a catch yeah?" Title stared as Omen spun out a cylinder and inspected it for a moment before another grin flashed his way. "Guess I was right to, no?"
Title felt his body freeze as the ape closed the cylinder, pulling back a lever on the back of the device he had to assume was a weapon. He sent a spark of magic to his horn, trying to wrench the thing away from Omen, only for sparks to fall across his vision as his head exploded into pain. Laughter drove nails into Title's head as Omen began to stand. "Nice try guv, but that little sleeve is something I cooked up after Twi taught me a bit about anatomy. The metal conducts whatever energy you ponies call magic, and shoves it back into the base of the horn. Easy enough to make, though I think it might be a bit painful." He tapped his trigger finger to the side of the gun. "Mind describing it for me notes? Might end up being useful for the Griffons."
Title's pain receded, and he forced his head up. He had heard everything Omen had said, but couldn't understand it. His throat was dry, though whether from the back-fired spell or his own fear he was unsure. "G-griffons?"
Omen nodded, happily playing with a file he found on the desk as his gun hung limply in his grip. "Oh yes, they offered to host me several times. 'Course I would never leave Twilight hanging like that, poor little bird she is. Why she so eager to learn all about my stuff she's been staying up all night. Had to slip a little something in her tea to slip away." He flipped the papers in the file, stifling a laugh. "Really mate? Keeping your blackmail folder in your office? Any bloke who walks in with half a mind could learn that Duke Grace has been embezzling from orphans for a few years." He paused, tapping the file. "Course, it's a perfect crime. I mean who're they gonna tell," Omen turned to Title with a predatory smirk. "They're ma and pa? Ha, I crack meself up."
Title stared as Omen placed the file on the desk, leaving it open before grabbing a quill and making a few key marks on it. "Now, onto the main event. Vaunted Title, that's you right?" Title didn't say anything, holding onto the desperate hope that maybe Omen would believe he was a separate pony. Omen looked at the nameplate on the desk, and back up to Title. "yeah, you're him, dressed to nobbish to be a servant. So, here's the deal." Omen leveled the weapon at Title, closing one eye as he did so. "Let it never be said I'm not a fair man. I only do to folk, what they would do to me. You tried to banish me, and steal my stuff at the same time." He waved the gun about as Title's eyes followed it. "Now, normally I would kill your political career and call it a day. But, you had a note in that pretty little file of yours to hire some sellswords to track me down and kill me for investigations into my nice cyberware. So we're stuck here with blood for blood."
Omen let out a chuckle. "Which means we're in the Thunderdome. Two man enter, one man leave." Omen shrugged his shoulders. "But I'm not heartless, so have you got any final words to share before I kill ya, promise they'll be known to all of Equestria afterward."
Title felt a million words fly through his head. Words that might vindicate him, words to parley for his life, but his body betrayed him. "Please don't kill me! I'll give you money! Power!? What would it take to spare me!?"
Omen smiled wide. "Are ye saying ye'd beg for yer life?" His accent began to grow, though what that revealed was nothing.
Title quickly nodded his head. "Yes, please, I'll give you anything you want! I'll do anything you want!"
Omen's smile grew, splitting his face and showcasing each tooth. "Anything I'd want, eh?" Tite nodded, hope blossoming in his chest before an explosion rattled the room. The body slumped to the floor as Omen blew the smoke from the barrel of his gun. "Then die you snobby ponce."
Omen tucked the revolver away in his jacket, pulling out a small notebook with the same hand. His fingers clacked against the spiral as he pulled out a pen and began writing. "Sorry about that mate, you woke a sleeping tiger, can't complain when he takes a chunk out yer arse." Finishing his note, he placed it on the counter. "Well, that takes care of that." He gave a nod to the corpse. "Sorry bout yer carpets mate. Bloods probably gonna ruin 'em something fierce, not that you care anymore." He reached behind the desk, leaving the pen and notebook on the desk. "Anyways, I got a date with some birdbrains. Cheers!" With a wave at the body, he dropped a gem at his feet, cracking it with his heel before disappearing in a flash of light.
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GOOOD JOB DEARY!
9517904
Thank you, my drunk self gives you highest honor. (Never edit or write while drunk.)
Kinda wanna see the aftermath. Either Celly or Twily trying to convince him to return to Equestria...
9517907
Two words, "Communication Skills"
9517909
Likewise
9517912
I have none.
I like this.
9517909
Not sure, as I mentioned in an earlier comment I'm blitzed on whiskey right now. If I didn't type so much I'd probably be impossible to read right now, but I wrote words and liked them. I don't know if I'll add more, depends on how much this story catches I think.
9517915
Thank you!
For some reason, I couldn't help but imagine The Drifter all through this piece.
destinypedia.com/images/thumb/c/c9/Drifter.jpg/1200px-Drifter.jpg
This just feels like him, y'know?
I want to see the aftermath, no one truthfully can deny this was a good and dare I say more than justified kill.
9517923
Don't know much lore about the Drifter. I didn't have a character in mind when I thought of this. All of this is prime mind to screen style stuff.
9517925
As I said, if this catches maybe, but I am currently drunk and getting drunker. So nothing instant like I've done before
I would love to see a sequel where he's living large with the griffons after giving them all they need to leave equestria in the dust technologically.
9517927
All you really need to know is 'Ding!'
Accused of being a dangerous madman... and proves his accusers correct!
Token plot-convenient magic inhibitor: -20 point.
9517925 I'm sure you must feel mass shootings are justified then. After all, it's quite easy to make up a list of grievances to shove into an insane manifesto. Which, in every case, there are quite a number of lunatics who agree with them, given they never once question the context or presentation as it agrees with the ramblings going on within their own heads.
That said, this 'story' is rather lacking in context. Not the least of which is the little fact that Equestria is run by a monarchy with immense power vested in two individuals, with a third now also sharing in said authority. I would expect they'd have possessed enough wisdom to leave themselves with at least the power to override the lesser beings they're forced to share the planet with.
Or do you honestly believe Celestia, Luna, and Twilight would permit this without at least one of them threating Nightmare-level repercussions?
Or, should we be allowed to see what evidence the noble had gathered which somehow convinced so many ponies to join in? Did he actually have evidence of this man being a killer on Earth? Or had he done something terrible to other ponies and hidden it? What could have been so convincing? CONTEXT and SUPPORTING DETAILS, things that actually compose a proper story, you know? Am I to accept that Vaunted Patooty conveniently had blackmail on all of them and not a single one had anything on him, is that what I'm expected to believe? And this supposed mastermind of flawless deviousness never takes any precaution against the creature he believes to be so dangerous? It's a sloppy, cliché, trite, contrived setup I've seen in TEN THOUSAND other revenge fics of EXACTLY THE SAME GOD-DAMNED COPY-PASTE CONSTRUCTION!! It's becoming more than mildly infuriating. Even "Murder She Wrote" put more work into its revenge plots.
You might have had an argument if this ignoble noble had in fact tried to have him assassinated. But that's not what took place. No, this is akin to someone murdering a government official after said official pulls strings to have his land seized for 'eminent domain' so said official can receive kickbacks from the real estate developer the land is, in truth, intended for.
Yes, the official would be deemed a scum-bag for it. But the murderer would still be put in prison for planning and carrying out a murder, especially after having taken time planning it and acquiring documents unequivocally proving the official's corruption, which would have accomplished the supposed ends the person was seeking without resorting to murder.
Justice takes a very dim view of such bloodthirsty vendettas.
And then we see him waltzing off to the griffons... which the ONLY information we have on MUST come from the show's canon since this snippet is so utterly lacking in establishing construction, such that it CANNOT be a self-supporting alt-universe. Why the hell would he trust the griffons? They're quite nastier and more selfish than the ponies. They're also predators. How does he know they won't simply kill him once they get what they want? Or does he delude himself into believing he can single-handedly take on an entire city of creatures which are essentially intelligent super-predators?
Frankly, he comes across as a lunatic, and the noble seems to me quite justified in wanting to be rid of him. But honestly, my method in that case would have been to wear a smile in front of the mad ape... then slip some magical poison into his drink. That's how SMART people get rid of their enemies. (Right, Putin?)
You lack wisdom. You have FAILED THE TEST. The curse of a thousand hemorrhoids is upon you!
Weak
9518102
Considering that this whole thing was written under the influence, I thought it hung together rather well.
9518085
9518102
The author at least claims to be under the influence so no one can expect it to be filled with a satisfactory level of detail. We never learned what evidence was used against Omen, but considering the list of crimes Omen has provided evidence for so far we have embezzling money from orphans, a lot of blackmail, and plotting to have someone murdered, chances are the evidence used against Omen was false as well.
Now I would like to keep this in mind, "what happens to a non-pony in my town is not my problem, he'll be gone and forgotten in a week" or something like that. Had Omen been a pony things would have been different if only a little, Title wanted to have him evicted so he could seize all his assets and have him killed later. If the evidence was false then correct me if I'm wrong, but at the very least that implies lying to the judge and in the end likely grand theft. He took from Omen his home, his money, branded him a criminal, plotted to have him killed, all so he could make a profit and get rid of the "disgusting ape".
There aren't many more dangerous things than a man who's had everything taken from him, nothing to live for and nothing to lose. He still had something to live for I guess, but that's in another country. Killing title may not have been legally justified (even though at this point Title would likely have received life imprisonment), but morally speaking I would say it was.
BTW, no idea where you got that "school shootings are justified" idea, but back off, you don't know if anyone here was a witness or even a victim of one so don't go there.
This was a good! I'd love to see the aftermath to this.
9518516
Um, what the heck happened after I passed out?
9518531
Alondro basically said this story is shit and called me a psychopath. You can read his comment yourself.
9518571
It was more I've never had talks like this on my content before. That and I am hating myself and minorly confused as to how all this came to be. Whatevs though, glad you enjoyed it. Thank you!
9518576
What an odd conversation
9518516 You claimed the murder was justified. I point out that madmen always find reasons to justify their murders. Everyone always has slights and conspiracies they point to.
Pre-meditated murder IS NOT JUSTIFIED. Period. Otherwise we'd never bother prosecuting mob hits when one murderous mobsters offs another murderous mobster.
Plus, given that Equestria is the most powerful nation on the planet... ever heard of 'extradition'? Imagine someone killed a corrupt US Senator and then fled to, let's say Canada, for comparison. Do you honestly think the government, despite seeing the evidence that this Senator was corrupt, would not demand the extradition of the assassin... and make things VERY unpleasant for Canada until they capitulated?
Heck, let's say somebody murdered a corrupt high-level Chinese official and fled to Taiwan. The response there would be... extreme. Knowing China, they would probably cover up the corruption then take the opportunity to invade Taiwan.
Suffice to say, it does not pay for a smaller, weaker country to shelter an assassin from a much larger, more powerful country. And that's still assuming the griffons are as trustworthy as he believes and don't immediately torture all the weapon plans they can get out of them, then throw his bloodied butt back to the ponies.
No honor among thieves and all that.
9520332
Think about this for a moment. Yes, both were wrong legally, but don't forget the shit Title pulled. If Omen did in fact stay in doors as often as he said then he never hurt anyone, but the following still happened anyway:
Had enough evidence accusing him of being a dangerous mad man used against him, getting him evicted and all his assets such as his money and research taken from him to satisfy a governor's greed (also implies he had difficulty getting enough evidence to just get it to court).
Governor was planning to have him killed.
Jobless, homeless, hated or at least feared by everyone, and would have been dead if Title had his way.
Omen's crimes:
Breaking and entering
Trespassing
Murder (technically, and I cannot stress that enough, technically self defense though because Title was going to have him killed first)
Destruction of property
Title's crimes legal or otherwise, possible crimes included because they are more than likely in one way or another:
Embezzlement
Plotting murder
Third degree Murder
Lying under oath
Fraud
Abusing his power
Theft
Grand theft
Blackmail
Hate crimes
Both would likely get a life sentence, but answer me this, who's actions are more justified? The corrupt government official who has ruined and killed any number of people to fill his wallet or get rid of someone he didn't like, or the man who has done little to no wrong until that point and still had everything unfairly taken from him again (assuming he didn't come to Equestria by choice)?
Everyone has a breaking point and a snapping point. While I wouldn't exactly say Omen snapped, I would say he was right in what he said and what he did was fair. "You can't wake up a sleeping lion and expect to walk away without it taking a chunk out of your ass".
I'm not arguing the legality of the situation, and I'm done arguing about who was less guilty or who was right between the two. No one here can honestly say they wouldn't do the same im Omen's position, especially people against what he did. Yes he could have just dropped off the evidence convicting Title, but he would still be guilty of the other crimes I mentioned and probably been killed by then, little to nothing would change.
Either he incriminates, kills Title, and leaves, or he incriminates Title, and get's killed while still broke, jobless, and homeless, depending on how fast he hires the killers, or goes to the griffons and is hunted down anyway.
What is more beneficial to him and everyone else? Option 1, option 2, or option 2-a? Don't answer that with a response.
9520414 Yeahhhhh... and as I pointed out, mob bosses go on trial for whacking a guy before he gets whacked.
And I still don't see how this one loser has been pulling all these strings so perfectly... but isn't prepared in the least for any sort of repercussions.
He's a token pantomime villain, whose plans are completely perfect and thorough when the plot needs them to be, then he makes outrageously stupid oversights no actual competent mastermind, real or fictional, would make so that he can be given swift comeuppance. And the vigilante naturally escapes unscathed. I reiterate, this story is CARBON-COPY revenge fic nonsense.
Actual schemers of that level, who are blackmailing large numbers of people, tend to be exceedingly paranoid, as they KNOW one or more of their targets will eventually seek revenge.
Hmm.
I don't get what people are complaining about.
It's a prime example of human nature, and our primal psychological drive to exact in equal measure what is, was, and would be done to us.
More please.
9543409
I think this one is done. Maybe a sequel later.
This is fair.
As it stands, he is the only human, by that, he holds our expectations as a survivor above all things. Kindness with paranoia, generosity with prudence, he gave them some tech but never revealed by what extent our knowledge could unlock. He never did anyone dirty and expects the same courtesy, then comes this ass and gives him a taste of home. Schemes, a bit racism, political jockeying and even an assassination order waiting for him at the end.
Vaunted Titles expected Omen to play ball, take his banishment and get killed on the road, he didn't expect that Omen would decide to take his ball to play with others, nor did he expect similarly lethal retaliation.
Hmmm
That was oddly satisfying
We need some more of this plz
Simple overall, but highly entertaining.
Omen has the right idea going to the Griffons. If the princesses don't care enough about Omen to stop Title and his political allies from trying to banish him and steal everything he has, then they also wouldn't care enough about him to defend him when he kills Title.
And Omen has to at least kidnap Title to prevent him from paying the assassins to even stay alive. (In America, the punishments for kidnapping are the same as those for murder, so why not go all the way?)
And even then, there are people in the real world literally too rich to keep in prison.
9694599
I didn't really go in-depth, but I imagined Omen as coming from a more cyberpunk world. Think Shadowrun or Bladerunner, so he was acting in the way his native world really saw as normal. Eye for an eye and all that
It would be nice to see an Aftermath chapter from either the guard investigating this case, Celestia or Twilight's POV
9518085
Only at the precise instant that he was wrongfully evicted AND had a hit squad sent after him. If they had simply treated him well he would have been just fine and dandy.
9732956 This is a typical petty revenge fic, the structure of which I've seen countless times in every fandom and had zero basis in even remote plausibility.
Keep in mind, the ponies fall all over themselves in self-loathing and fear when a Princess looks at them crosswise. This whole story could have been stopped by Luna loudly declaring "THOU SHALT NOT!!" and the ponies would all pee themselves and run away.
There are so many reasons none of this would happen, I don't even feel like spending the hour or so required to list them all. Any passably intelligent person can probably think of a dozen off the top of their heads anyway. And for the rest... well, they won't be able to comprehend anyway.
9734147
This is Equestria we're dealing with here, and likely an AU, since in the show canon assassins wouldn't exist much less be employed by normal ponies. The MC's actions make sense for someone coming from a rough background (i.e. kill or be killed mentality). In terms of the overall set up I'm getting a Bad Mondays vibe, but without context I'm not going to pass judgement on it's plausibility.
9734219 And therefore, it's an AU without its own context or construction, thus entirely reliant on familiarity with the canon since it cannot 'live' on its own, which then leads to a severe tonal conflict.
In other words, pretty typical of the run-of-the-mill 'revenge' fanfics, as I said.
If someone is going to make a radically different AU of an existing franchise, that alternate world needs to be able to stand on its own. Otherwise it's just taking a dump on the canon for some reason.
9734326
Meh, it feels like a snippet of a larger story. Gonna have to see more of that larger story before I start tearing it down.
9734357 This story's marked as complete... soooo, yeah.
9734779
The snippet is complete. No reason it can't or won't be expanded upon later. I dunno, I found this entirely plausible, but that's with me filling in the blanks the author didn't.
9735112 I greatly dislike that in a story. You could water that down to the point where a story consists of "People did stuff. The End" and then the reader fills out everything else and somehow finds the story brilliant.
A fictional tale needs to present its world in a way that can lead the reader to ask questions of 'why' without also leaving them asking 'who', 'what', 'where', 'when' and 'how'.
This is even more important when the world is so dependent on a pre-existing property. If the world is significantly different, it needs to properly set itself apart, or it creates thematic and tonal conflict.
These are things any literature teacher or professional writer would tell you. Actually... they'd say avoid fanfiction like the plague, because most of it tends to be terrible.
9735361
While you're not wrong, I don't have an issue because I don't see this as being a complete story. It comes out as a proof of concept more than anything. Maybe this didn't get pursued any further, which is fine. Heck, I've posted a proof of concept snippet before in one of the forums. You could, technically, rip it to shreds for being incomplete, etc. That however would be missing the point.
I love this short story and would like to see a return of this fun and unique character.
Well done.
The Monk
Her hands were still bound with rope, she debated an escape before all the stupidity gave her an aneurysm. -Scarheart
9518102
So your saying its justifiable to have someone evicted from their home stolen from and killed for money all because they are different. That really makes a lot of sense. Also it is stated that Vaunted Title was going to have Omen killed after he left.