• Published 19th Mar 2019
  • 8,384 Views, 187 Comments

Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk' - Inky Scrolls



Spike realises there's a pretty noticeable gap in Twilight's otherwise encyclopaedic knowledge.

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And a Vodka for the Princess, OR: On second thoughts, better leave the bottle

'Twas a dark and dreary night. The rain came tumbling down in sheets to thick you could almost stand up in it. It was detective weather: No-pony about but one, lone stallion in a dyed-black fedora, a drenched pin-striped suit, and a trenchcoat, collar so high he could barely see where he was going. After running into and apologising to a telegraph pole, he leant against a streetlamp, trying to act super-casual but standing out like the world's sorest thumb.

Aye - 'twas detective weather indeed. But across the street from our would-be protector of the law, in a shady corner where sunlight scarce dared to tread, lay the ramshackle, ancient building known to all and sundry simply as the Ducking Pond. This relic of a by-gone era, this leastmost bastion of public houses everywhere, was still, surprisingly, open. Or rather, there were still, audibly, ponies inside; the sign on the door itself was firm in its statement: CLOSED.

Its last call for orders should have been almost an hour ago and, as the clock of Canterlot Cathedral struck midnight and the bells chimed out the start of the new day, one could be forgiven for assuming the pub's proprietor was guilty of that most heinous of acts - staying open too late. Though we cannot, sadly, be certain, it seems likely that this is what the 'detective' opposite was thinking.

Fortunately for the publican's reputation, this was not the case. Though officially closed, he had, in fact, two customers remaining, for whom he had acquiesced to keep the pub open for as long as they desired. This would normally not have been something he would even consider, but as his patrons were no lesser personages than Princess Luna herself, and some dragon he felt he should probably recognise but didn't, he felt it would be alright to let them stay a bit longer.

And so, that is how we find our gallant duo - the pony and the dragon who took on that most difficult of subjects, 'the Talk', and not only passed through the metaphorical fire but lived to tell the tale - having arranged this nocturnal meeting to compare notes, discuss how they could avoid this sort of thing happening again, and generally drown their sorrows.

Luna was hoping none of the Royal Guard ever found out where she was as, because it was nighttime, she was technically supposed to be on duty. But hey! Who doesn't bunk off every once in a while? And as for the landlord, could he be trusted to keep his mouth shut? The golden hoofshake clinking to the tune of a thousand bits was a safe bet that he could be.

Despite their location, however, both the dragon and the demigod were cautious not to drink too much. After all, enough awkwardness had stalked them both recently without having embarrassing alcohol-related headlines being emblazoned across tomorrow's newspapers.

Holding his head in his hands, Spike rocked slowly back and forth. "That was - I just can't - argh!"

Luna nodded sympathetically. "I know just was you mean. . . It was bad enough having to explain 'intimacy' to my elder sister, but to have such rumours spread about you - that is an evil indeed!"

"Don't I know it," Spike muttered. "Do you know what the Foal Free Press was leading with yesterday?"

Luna shook her head - oddly enough, she wasn't in the habit of reading a local school production intended purely for the consumption of subscribers to that school, in a relatively distant, provincial sector of the vast Equestrian empire. "No?"

Spike groaned, as though even thinking about it was enough to bring on a flashback. "Their main headline - in a foal's newspaper! - was 'Princess - or Incest?' - can you believe it?"

Luna had the grace to be rather surprised, though at the same time amused at the wittiness of the half-rhyme. "That is. . . troubling, to say the least," she admitted. "But then," she added as an afterthought, "It does tell us something positive, at any rate."

The dragon laughed sardonically. "Oh really? And what's that?"

"Well," Luna explained, "If they know what incest is - they've already had the Talk."

This took a moment to sink in, and when it did Spike's face was awash with a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, he was glad that, at least for now, he wouldn't be called on to give the Talk to anypony else (which had been a secret fear of his; now that pretty much everypony in Ponyville knew he'd explained sex to the Princess, he wouldn't've been surprised if parents of other foals had asked him to repeat the Talk for their own progeny), and so felt somewhat relieved. But, on the other hand, was it not worrying that foals so young should know what 'incest' was?

So instead of agreeing or disagreeing either way, he merely 'hmmed'.

A short silence fell, during which the two of them sat quietly, comfortable in each other's company, and sharing the bond that only arises between those who have experienced the same trial or tribulation. From the cosy booth by the rain-lashed window, they could see out along the street, which was nice - though to be quite honest, there wasn't an awful lot to see, other than the now hastily retreating figure of a sodden hat-wearing pony legging it into the distance.

The rain beat down, the streetlamps guttered, and the thatchen eaves dripped with excess moisture. Princess Luna sighed heavily, and took another sip of her drink. Vodka had never been her cup of tea, either literally or metaphorically, but Spike had ordered one and she didn't want to seem weak in front of a dragon currently one fifty-sixth of her age. That being said, however, she was warming to the rather off-putting sense of swallowing concentrated paint-stripper.

Spike groaned again - something else had apparently just occurred to him which he had previously been in blissful forgetfulness of; he rubbed his face in his hands once more. "Oh, my days. . ." he muttered.

Allowing him a moment's silence to formulate his thoughts, Luna asked, "Is everything alright, Spike?"

Luna had, in fact, always quite liked the young dragon. He was a lot more intelligent, and mature, than most ponies gave him credit for, and she had grown to be rather fond of him. Not in a romantic way, of course, don't be ridiculous - but as a friend, a creature who could speak to her on her own wavelength, and to whom she could reply in turn. Since her return to terra Equestra there were few ponies to whom the Princess had come to truly enjoy the company of, as the world had changed such a lot since her banishment she was never quite sure if she was saying or doing the right thing. But Spike had always been at pains to put her at her ease, encouraging her rather than laughing at her if she ever made a social faux pas. Thus it was that Luna considered the little dragon to be one of her closest friends.

She watched him now, smiling in pleasure at his company, as he struggled with some inner torment. Eventually, he was ready to explain what he was thinking about. "Well, you see," he began, "After I'd explained how sex works to Twilight, and she'd managed to grasp that it's a pleasurable thing as well as an - a necessary biological function, she asked me a jolly embarrassing question."

Luna, who had some idea of what this 'jolly embarrassing question' might entail, having been asked something along those lines by her sister not five hours before, murmured, "It's alright if you'd rather not tell me, you know."

Spike smiled gratefully, then continued, "Nah, it's alright. I know I can trust you not to pass this around."

Luna nodded, gratified at this indication of how Spike viewed their friendship, but stayed silent.

The dragon carried on, saying, "Well - the thing is, see, apparently she goes around the castle at night checking there's nothing hiding in the shadows. Why, I don't know - I don't think even she knows, to be honest! But it turns out that, on more than one occasion, she's walked past my door, which has evidently not been shut properly, and seen me - well, seen me. . ."

Holding back a giggle, Luna forestalled him. "Seen you engaged in your own pleasurable company?"

Spike grinned, relieved not to have to explain further. "Indeed! So you can see how that was embarrassing. . . Fortunately she doesn't seem to've mentioned this to anypony else."

Again, the Princess of the Night nodded. "Actually," she whispered, lest the ever-scrubbing publican overhear, "Celestia has caught me doing just the same!"

Spike looked shocked. "Really? You mean you - y'know - do that too?"

Luna blushed, her cheeks turning bright crimson (or they would have, if her fur hadn't been so dark - as it was they barely even turned to a deep burgundy). "Well. . . Perhaps from time to time. Not every night, you understand. Just - most nights. . ."

She trailed off, surprised at how forward she was being. Spike, too, had turned pink; he coughed, nervously. "Hmm! Well, there you are. . . good to know it's not just me!" he added, successfully breaking the tension.

The Princess smiled. "How about we change the subject?" she asked.

"Yeah," Spike agreed, soundly relieved, "It was starting to get pretty awkward!"

Luna nodded, smilingly, in return. "Oh," she announced, glancing down at her empty glass, "I seem to've drunk it all."

"That's alright," Spike reassured her; calling over to the landlord, who had been pretending not to listen whilst cleaning imaginary specks from the insides of scores of already pristine glasses, he added, "I say, Empty Keg? Could I have a pint of your finest stout, and a vodka for the Princess?"

After a few moments the drinks were placed in front of the ponies; Empty Keg was just about to walk back to the bar with the remainder of the vodka in the bottle but, seeing Luna's disappointed expression, Spike asked hastily, "On second thoughts, better leave the bottle."

And so, with a fresh supply of alkie, the occasional surreptitious, stealthily-stalking sleuth in the street outside, and the pleasure of each other's company to entertain them, the dragon and the demigod swapped tall stories, unlikely tales and impossible yarns long into the night.

Author's Note:

Sorry for the confusion, everypony - despite my attempts to explain to the contrary, the powers that be have decreed that the sequels to Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk' aren't, in fact, sequels, and are instead chapters of the same story, in spite of this never being the case. So to avoid a ban from the site I have been forced to reupload them as chapters here.

Apologies to everyone - all 2·5k of you - who read them before they were revoked for any confusion caused!

Comments ( 31 )

Before I read this, I must know: Why would Twilight have such a glaring gap in her knowledge?

9520976
A few reasons:

Firstly, Celestia either doesn't know/doesn't care.
Secondly, Twilight's parents didn't feel able to teach Twilight this sort of thing, and may have actively discouraged her from finding out for herself.
Thirdly, it isn't information which is useful if you're not intending to put it into practice. Twilight has few friends and no romantic attentions from anypony, so it may simply be that it was at the bottom of her list of things to learn

Hope this helps. :twilightsmile:

:twilightsheepish: My mom and Dad are grand parents and they still say foals come from hospitals.
:pinkiehappy: and if you have to return them for a refund you put them in shopping carts at ColtsCo.
:moustache: and you wonder why I hang out at Raritys, It's not that I like helping her make dresses.
:rainbowhuh:

And suddenly hoping Spike and Luna have sex.

Soooooo.... drunk Luna and Spike sex? Well, at least the aftermath after they wake up. Would be funny seeing Celestia and Twilight finding them and asking them about sex.

Not sure why they would rule that. I’ve seen plenty of sequels that could easily have just been another chapter.

9522201
Aye, it is rather odd! Fortunately I've not lost anything hugely important, but the 100+ comments on those stories will be gone forever!

So after all that what about Sunset? She gets the talk from her friends but thinks it's just a human thing and tells them the grown in a hospital story or something? Before finding out it's that way in Equestria too?:rainbowlaugh:

9520980

Firstly, Celestia either doesn't know/doesn't care.

9522959

So after all that what about Sunset?

"Onetwothree, not it!"

Twilight was startled from her reading at Rainbow Dash's shout and the following chorus from another four of her friends. Looking up to see all six girls staring at her, she instinctively hid behind her book, peeking over the top before asking, "What were we talking about?"

"Hmm, well you see Twilight," Rarity began, "it seems that... Ah, how can I put this delicately..."
"Sunset's never been given 'the Talk' and seein' as how CHS still don't have a class coverin' that, ya'll just been volunteered sugar cube."
"Thank you, darling."

"...what?" Twilight murmured, staring at them before turning to look at Sunset, who was smiling at her with a look of such blank, uncomprehending curiosity on her face that if they had been in a cartoon, question marks would be floating over her head.

"Thanks a bunch, Twilight! And who better to tell her than her best friend! See ya later!" exclaimed Pinkie before skipping out the room, the rest of those filthy, filthy traitors hurrying after her.

"...what."

Twilight, pupils shrunk to pin-pricks, swiveled back to Sunset's eager, smiling face.

~~~An hour later~~~

"Ah crud, I forgot my phone! Go on ahead girls, I'll catch up. And I can drag Sunset and Twilight along so they can drown themselves in their milkshakes."

Leaving the others to head over to the Sweet Shoppe, Rainbow Dash hurried back to Sunset's apartment. Heading in, Dash abruptly wished she'd bothered to knock.

A short time later, she marched, alone, into the Sweet Shoppe and flopped into a seat. "Sunset doesn't need 'the Talk' anymore," she stated unceremoniously. The other girls silently took in her thousand-yard stare, before aaah'ing in unison.

~~~

"Oh look, Spike, Sunset sent another letter!"
"Cool. What does it say?"
"Huh, she just found out what 'sex' is, too. And she's apparently happy about it?"
"Wait what? What, exactly, did she say?"
"Well what else does 'gay' mean?"

Spike gave his sister-figure a flat stare, then turned and silently stalked out of the room.

9523211
:rainbowlaugh: this needs all the upvotes.

"AKA: Fuck this, we're getting shit-faced."

9523211
Ha! Comedic genius! You deserve more upvotes for this, m'friend.

:rainbowlaugh:

9523211
Alternatively.....Sunset got a letter from Princess Twilight and concocted a plan to get SciTwi in bed with her.

9523138
Poor Spike! So intelligent yet so easy to put upon.

:rainbowlaugh:

9526190 Maybe they can have a 3-some... and then the hydra wants in. :fluttershbad:

:rainbowwild: (Of course, YOU'D like it, Dash!)

Oh my.. drunk Luna and spike.,.

This was a weird fun read.

As Spike and Luna both sit at the bar swigging their Vodka they say, "I just wish someone else could teach them the rest"

Suddenly they both hear a gong and two men, one dressed as a ninja and one dressed in blue spandex with a red Star of David on his chest, pop up from behind the bar.

Celestia / Twilight then play the part of the girl while Spike / Luna are the guy

The premise was a huge stretch of the imagination for me. That said it was still an enjoyable read. Thanks for creating and sharing.

9563849
Forsooth - thou hast indeed spoken winsomely, fair Livinthelife.

9563849 Hmm... only if the hydra, chimera, and Mannyroar get to join in. So hot... :rainbowwild::pinkiecrazy:

Uhm... and betwixt and hithertofor and all that rigmarole. :derpytongue2:

Luna blushed, her cheeks turning bright crimson (or they would have, if her fur hadn't been so dark - as it was they barely even turned to a deep burgundy). "Well. . . Perhaps from time to time. Not every night, you understand. Just - most nights. . ."

Me irl

Misery loves company. And Vodka.

Set

Spike groaned, as though even thinking about it was enough to bring on a flashback. "Their main headline - in a foal's newspaper! - was 'Princess - or Incest? ' - can you believe it?"

That is such a funny headline, I just had to pause to reread it again :rainbowlaugh:

Spike groaned, as though even thinking about it was enough to bring on a flashback. "Their main headline - in a foal's newspaper! - was 'Princess - or Incest? ' - can you believe it?"

Those foolish foals!

They need to add Princess!!! :pinkiehappy:

Oh my lord, could this chapter be any more British? :pinkiecrazy:

10875973
patriotic Rule Britannia noises

*Even reads some* Me: Twiligth! You cun't be that dumb!🤣

I think I would have had a talking to with rarity about the rumor and the danger of gossip. Apparently nobody learned anything from Gabby gums except how to blame someone for giving them what they want.

D-F

11374701
was that spelling mistake intentional? :trixieshiftright:

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