• Published 19th Mar 2019
  • 8,384 Views, 187 Comments

Spike Gives Twilight 'The Talk' - Inky Scrolls



Spike realises there's a pretty noticeable gap in Twilight's otherwise encyclopaedic knowledge.

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And They Facehooved Into the Night, OR: "It's Like This," said Luna

Princess Celestia, tired out after a long day, yawned widely. It was almost time for the lowering of the sun, and she was standing ready in waiting for the big moment with her sister, Princess Luna, on one of the high balconies which surrounded the upper towers of their royal castle in Canterlot.

With the sparkling white spires of the city laid out below them, the paling evening sky above, and with the distant peal of bells tolling the knell of parting day, Celestia breathed deeply, relishing the final warmth of the blazing star, so many millions of miles away, that gave her not only her name, but also her cutie mark and, most importantly, her exalted position in Equestrian society.

It was due to her innate and unique skill in raising and lowering the sun, alone and unaided, which had first brought her - and her sister Luna likewise, with the raising and lowering of the moon - to Starswirl the Bearded's attention, nearly twelve-hundred years ago. Tired of having to coordinate teams of regular unicorns, who wore out usually after only a single day, he was relieved to have finally found ponies who, after a little training, could reliably perform these duties alone, day after day, without ever tiring out. And so he had conferred on them the gift - or curse - of eternal, unending life, and tasked them with the duty of not only keeping charge over the heavenly bodies, but also with the rulership of Equestria: No mean feat indeed.

Perhaps it was partly out of loneliness without her sister by her side - who knows? That's certainly what Celestia always insisted, whenever anypony asked her to give a reason for the creation of her School for Gifted Unicorns. But there were some ponies - Luna herself among them - who were instead convinced that Celestia was searching for a replacement, that she might someday retire from public duty, and live a more normal life.

And so - and this is really the crux of the matter - her school focussed entirely on the teaching of magic, and left the more mundane elements of life to the students' own desire to learn them. No Maths, Physics or Languages in her school!

Despite this. . . 'patchy' curriculum, however, Celestia was certain she had done an admirable thing in setting up her school. For how else, to be sure, should the world have ever found out about the Princesses Twilight and Cadance?

All of these thoughts flashed through her mind in the blink of an eye, the merest millisecond, after reading the opening paragraph of the letter which had suddenly poofed into existence before her, making Luna jump. With almost half an hour to go before the setting of the sun, she had ample time to read through it, and did so:


Dear Princess Celestia [she read],

Twilight seems to have no idea how sex works - [this caught the Princess' eye immediately] - and I have been forced to explain it all to her myself. This was. . . embarrassing, to say the least, and the aftermath even more so! As you were her teacher for a long time, might I ask why she never learnt about sexual relations whilst at the School?

Spike


After reading this confusing letter through a couple of times, Celestia passed it to Luna, who had been watching her sister read with one eyebrow cocked in curiosity. As Luna read the short missive her inquisitiveness turned first to concern, and then to confusion; "Did you never teach Twilight about any of this, 'Tia? Or any of your other students, for that matter?"

Celestia coughed, uncomfortably. "Well," she began, "We sort of - sort of just focussed on magic. Y'know, because it's a - a school of - of magic," she stressed, as though this last point should've been obvious.

"Yes, I know that," Luna admitted patiently, "But surely you're not just teaching your students only about magic? They'll have to go out into the world someday, find husbands and wives, make families of their own! They spend such a lot of their time here their parents probably don't get chance to give 'the Talk' to most of them. So maybe you should."

The Princess of the Sun swallowed. "You mean," she inquired, "The talk about - about how to get a job?"

"A job? You mean a careers lecture? No, I don't mean that," Luna hastened to correct her sister. "I mean - y'know, the talk all parents give their foals. About - well, about you know what."

Celestia 'ohhed' and 'ahhed' in faux understanding. Then she shook her head. "I'm afraid I'm not quite sure what you mean, Luna dear."

Luna gasped in exasperation. After a thousand years on the moon she was still getting used to modern pony society, and in her day one simply didn't use the 'S' word. But it seemed she would have to stoop to the everyday pony's level, if she was ever to break through to her sister. "Oh, come on, Celly! You know - the talk about S-E-X."

"Oh! Oh right, that talk. . ." Celestia was nodding again, eyes open wide. "Yes, that talk. I see. Right. Sex."

"Yes, that's it," Luna murmured, glad to have finally got through to Celestia. "It sounds like Spike has had to take your place in having the Talk with Twilight, and I can't imagine she's alone in her oblivion. So perhaps, for the sake of other ponies - or dragons - you should start, y'know, explaining it to them. To your students."

Her elder sister's face contorted in confusion again as she tried vainly to understand. "Tell it to them. . ." she muttered. There was pause. Then: "Luna - what is it?"

Now it was Luna's turn to be thrown off balance. "What d'you mean, 'what is it'?"

"I mean," Celestia explained, "I mean - well, I mean - it's just that - well, you see, I don't - I don't. . ."

She trailed off, looking rather embarrassed; Luna gently rubbed her back, reassuring her, "It's alright, take your time. We're not in a hurry."

Celestia stared at the floor of the balcony below them, drawing comfort from the perfectly white, pristine surface. So like herself. . . If she were a kind of - a kind of stone, Celestia thought she'd quite like to be whatever sort of stone the balcony was made of.

Almost two minutes went by, with Celestia thinking, unblinkingly, these pleasant thoughts. Eventually, realising that nothing was likely to happen if she didn't prod her sister out of her daze, Luna took the Princess' shoulder and shook her gently from side to side. "Luna to 'Tia, Luna to 'Tia - are you receiving?"

With a start, Celestia returned to the land of the living. "Oh! Sorry, Luna, I was just thinking about rocks. . ."

Luna rolled her eyes. "I see. Have you thought about what we were talking about? Y'know, like, five minutes ago?"

"What? Oh, that!" the realisation shone brightly in Celestia's eyes as she remembered suddenly where she was, who she was, and what she was supposed to be talking about. Immediately, the bashfulness returned. "Well, the problem is," she began confidently, determined not to let her uncertainty show again, "I've never really - I don't quite know what - you see, the problem is - I - I don't know what sex is!" she announced at last, in such strident tones that several members of the palace guard, stationed in the courtyard eight storeys below, glanced up concernedly in their direction.

Luna facehooved, sighing in resignation. As unbelievable as it might seem to other ponies, who perhaps knew her sister less well, she had always, in the deepest, darkest recesses of her mind, feared that this day would come. It had always felt inevitable, in their youth, that it would someday be she, Luna, who had to explain everything of a carnal nature to Celestia - their parents weren't around, and Starswirl was certainly never going to take one for the team! Luna had held out a vain, forlorn hope that, over the interceding millennium, her sister might have - oh, maybe read a book? It seemed that she, Luna, just as Spike had before her, would be forced to give 'the Talk' to an older sibling.

She took a deep, steadying breath, letting it out slowly. "Right. Let me explain. Sex," she began, wincing internally at having to use the dreaded 'S' word, "Is the process by which most creatures, including ponies, reproduce. You do know what 'reproduce' means, don't you?" she checked.

Celestia nodded, for all the world like an eager schoolgirl, willing to learn something new and exciting. Luna continued. "Good. Well, you know how a mare has -" Again, she shuddered at the thought of all the words she was about to have to use. "A mare has a vagina. You're aware of that, aren't you?"

She paused, giving Celestia time to respond, and she nodded again, seeming somewhat surprised that Luna should think she might not know that already. "Of course I know that. A mare as a vagina, and a stallion has a penis."

Luna swallowed uncomfortably. "Yes, that's right, a - penis. Very good. . . Well," she shook herself together, "When a mummy and a daddy pony love each very much, they do something very special. Together."

The Princess of the Night's words faded into silence, as she pondered how to phrase the next, most awkward part; Celestia was still watching her with rapt attention, so she could hardly back out now. I empathise with you, Spike! she thought to herself, before carrying on. "When a stallion and a mare love each other very, very much - in a romantic way," she amended hastily, much as Spike had just a few days before when holding this same conversation with Twilight, "They do something called 'having sex'. It's a special, private thing they only do with each other, and it shows how much they love each other."

Again, she fell silent, and in the pause that followed Celestia eagerly asked, "So. . . what do they do, exactly?"

Luna sighed: It was now or never. "It's quite simple, really," she explained, trying to keep her tone as light as possible, "When they're ready to have sex the stallion's penis becomes hard, and he puts it - puts it inside the mare's vagina."

Listening not to what she was saying, but only to the way she said it, an outsider could be forgiven for assuming she was talking about something as mundane as the best way to sellotape a parcel, which was the effect she had been aiming for. And to an extent her plan seemed to have worked - Celestia was nodding thoughtfully, her mind evidently considering this piece of information carefully. Eventually she spoke, asking, "And most adult ponies know this, do they?"

"Yes," Luna smiled, "I'm pretty sure most adult ponies are aware of this."

"I see. . ." Celestia thought again for a moment. "And do they do this, this sex thing, often?"

Luna blushed. "Well, that's a very personal question. Some couples might do it several times a week, or even every day, and some might have sex only once a month, or something. But I think most couples have sex once or twice a week."

She was beginning to feel less uncomfortable, now, with using such intimate vocabulary; the fact that Celestia was being so matter-of-fact about all of this, and was obviously treating this as she would any other lesson (with the notable different that here she was the student, not the teacher), helped to make the odd situation feel almost normal, as though it were a perfectly average occurrence for one thousand-year-old demigod to explain the technical aspects of pleasure-based copulation to another thousand year old demigod.

Celestia's next question, however, rather threw this trend out of whack. "So," she asked curiously after a moment's thought, "How often do you have sex?"

If Luna had had a mouthful of water it would've been sprayed unceremoniously over the heads of the guards below. "Ah! Well, that's rather a personal question!" she explained, hastily.

"Oh. . . why?"

It never ceases to amaze me, Luna thought to herself, Just how naïve 'Tia can be at times. Out loud, she continued, "Well, sex is a very private thing for a couple to do. It can be a very embarrassing topic to discuss, normally. And now," the muttered to herself. "It's not usually considered polite to ask a pony how often he or she has sex."

"Ah, I see." The Eternal Princess of the Sun fell silent again, pondering this latest piece of information. After a minute or two, during which blissful, tranquil silence reigned supreme, she inquired, "You say that sex is when a stallion puts his hard penis inside a mare's vagina?"

Luna nodded.

"And sex is always a very private thing?"

The Princess of the Night nodded again, wondering where this was going - and she didn't have long to wait.

"So why is it," Celestia posed thoughtfully, "If sex is a private act, that I sometimes see you reading magazines with pictures of ponies having sex in them?"

Luna blanched. It was going to be a long, awkward night.

Shit.

Author's Note:

Oh, 'Tia. You're such a troll.

:trollestia: