Fluttercord vs. Dislestia

by Miner

Dating advice

The next day,

Discord had arrived at the castle and took Princess Celestia to his chaos dimension to practice their dating approaches. The room they were in was filled with self-help books on dating, chalkboards, cushions large enough for them to lay on, and, last but not least, a table filled with all kinds of sweets and snacks.

It took Celestia a moment to snap out of it when she saw a three-layer cake. It has to be chocolate, it’s the best flavor after all, "Okay, Discord, let us get this over with." She says as she lays down on a cushion as Discord floats in the air.

"Now, Now, Celestia. We can't rush through this."

She rolls her eyes, "Fine. What do we do first.”?

"First, we must find out how much we both know about dating the opposite gender. So, show me your best pick up line."

Celestia became worried, "I am not sure about this."

"Come on. We both agree to help each other out, right?"

"Fine." She stood up to prepare herself, "Ahem. Excuse me, sir. Would you like to accompany me for the day?"

Discord nods at this and takes a few notes, "Short and simple."

"I had some practice of my own."

"Okay, my turn. Ahem. Excuse me," Discord uses his magic to sweeps Celestia off her hooves and looks deep in her eyes, "I am on a quest to find the most beautiful mare in the lands, and I seem to have found something much better."

A light blush covers her face for a second before it was replaced with a glare. "Put me down."

"It adds to the effect." He smiles to himself as he let’s go of her.

"You said no touching," she said, dusting her coat.

"I was using my magic. No part of me was touching you."

"How about you never do that again." She snarled,

"Fine. So how was it?"

"Too forward. She would be scared to death by your ugly mug."

"I will have you know that this mug," Discord lifts a coffee mug with a smiling face on it, "Is one of the best-looking mugs around."

Celestia glares at Discord, "You know what I meant."

"Whatever, Princess," Discord tosses the mug away and crosses his arms, "Not like yours was any better."

"What!?"

"Oh, Excuse me, random stallion, sir," Discord said in a terrible high pitch impression of Celestia's voice, "would you like to go on a date with the Princess of the Sun?"

"I said no such thing," she glares at him, "Do not twist my words around!"

"It the same, more or less." He said as he swipes a cupcake from the table and eating in one bite.

Celestia took this moment to sneak a bite from the cake before Discord notice that she did. And when I say bite, I don't mean a small little nipple one does when they don't want to be found out. I mean a huge bite that leaves almost no evidence behind because she eats half of it in one go. She quickly wipes the evidence from her lips before she continues the conversation, "Really? Then having a random mare sweep off her hooves to stare into your eyes is any better?"

"It would work." Discord said before he did a double take as he noticed a big bite in the cake.

"How many?" She deadpans.

"What?" He said, not paying attention as he tries to figure out what happen to the cake.

"How many mares have you swayed with this technique of yours?"

He huffs at her before turning to face her while crossing his arms, "More than you with that lame pick up line."

"So more than seven mares?"

Discord had a flabbergasted look on his face. He couldn't believe Celestia would use the same pick-up line for seven different stallions. "You asked seven stallions out with that pick-up line?"

Celestia looks away, embarrassed, "I don't want to talk about it."

He moves in close, "Oh, Please! I want to hear how that went."

Celestia thinks back when she asked the guards and blushed before moving away from Discord, "Can we focus on why we are here." She said, quickly changing the subject.

"Fine," he huffs as he drops the subject and himself onto a couch, "So it is safe to say that we have no idea what we are doing when it comes to courting other ponies."

"Unfortunately." They both look down in depression with a sigh,

"Well, then." Discord spoke up, "Let's make a list of what went wrong with our approach." He gets up and pulls over one of the chalkboards in the room while wearing a pair of glasses and a lab coat. "Let's start with you, Celestia."

Not wanting to think back at her actions, she tried to change the subject again, "Can't we do yours first."

"Oh, come now. What happened to ladies first?"

She gives him a deadpan stare, "You are a gentle Stallion?"

"You want to date at your age?"

Celestia's face darkens, "Watch it."

"Sorry." Discord said, backing up, "Alright then." He then draws a stick figure of Celestia on the board. "First thing we must point out is you."

"I am aware of that."

"No." Discord pulls out a pointing-stick then taps the board. "I mean you in general," he says, circling the little figure with his stick.

She tilts her head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you have got to remember who you are and how the average stallion sees himself compare to you."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Discord slaps a claw to his face, "Everything." He then draws some ponies on the board but smaller compared to the Celestia figure. "You are the leader of everypony around them, and you are asking them if they want to date and possibly marry you."

Celestia rubs one hoof against the other, not realizing she had forgotten about her position in Equestria when she started asking stallions out, "Well, when you put it that way... wait,” her eyes widen in alarm, “who said anything about getting married?"

Discord looks at Celestia in confusion, "Isn't that the whole point of dating?"

For the first time in a long time, Discord made sense to her, "Well... well... ah... well yes, but no pony says it out loud."

"Why?"

She scratches her head, trying to think why, "I don't know. It just makes everypony uncomfortable. That is all."

He shakes his head at her, "You ponies are so sensitive."

"Was there a point to your statement?"

"Right. What I am saying is that not just anypony is going to have the courage to date the leader of the nation. Most of them would be scared to death at the idea. I am just surprised that those stallions you ask are fine even after you asked them out." Discord said, not noticing Celestia looking away in embarrassment, "With that in mind, you would have to start dating somepony that you have deep feelings for. Not just some random pony who so happens to be nice to you now and then. It just won't work out."

"I get what you mean. But if that is the case, then my options for dating stallions just went to zero." Celestia slouches down on to her cushion. In all her years as ruler of Equestria, Celestia finally let it all out. Starting with a small sob, "It is tough to make friends when the only ponies that you ever meet every day want nothing to do with you except for your okay on something they want." She sniffles as a single tear goes down her face as she realizes just how lonely she was, "I sometimes feel envious of Twilight's ability to make new friends wherever she goes. And she is never sad even when they aren't around."

"You poor lonely little pony." Discord gave Celestia a small hug from behind, not seeing more tears going down her cheek.

It took everything Celestia had not to have a mental break down and cry her eyes out; as she continues to share her pain, "Why can't everypony understand that despite me being the leader of Equestria, I am still just a pony, just like everypony else." They stayed like that for a while before they break the hug as she wipes her tears, "Thank you, Discord."

He smiles back at her, "What are friends for?"

Feeling better, Celestia starts the conversation, "Now let's move onto your problem."

"Excuse me?!" He puts his hands on his chest in shock, "My approach is flawless!"

Celestia shakes her head at him, "No mare wants to be swept off their hooves by a random stranger."

"It is supposed to be romantic."

"That kind of thing can only be found in a cheap romance novel. No pony in real life would want that to happen to them."

---

Meanwhile, in Pony Ville,

Big Mac has just swept Sugar Belle off her hooves and stares into her eyes, "Oh, Sugar Belle. You are the most beautiful mare in Equestria." He said, brushing the side of her face.

"Oh, Big Mac."

---

"You don't know that!"

"Regardless, I believe we are done for now,” She stands up, “I am needed back at Canterlot."

"Already?" He looks at a random clock floating bye to see that they have only been there for 30 minutes,

She sighs before explaining, "You just showed up out of nowhere and ponynapped me. I still have duties that need my attention."

He rubs the back of his head, realizing the flaw in his plan, "Fine. But when are we supposed to meet up again?"

Celestia takes a moment to think about this, "I believe I can make some time three days from now. In the meantime, I suggest that you practice with Fluttershy on how to ask a mare out." Celestia didn't notice the nervous look on Discord's face when she said that.

Not wanting to tell her the reason he started this session. He tried to stear the conversation away from their feathered friend, "But isn't that what you were supposed to be doing?"

"I would if I could, but I must return to Canterlot. I am sure Fluttershy would be more than willing to help you out. Remember, Discord; it’s just practice. I am sure Fluttershy will understand. Until next time Discord."

"Yeah. See you later, Tia." Discord said, turning away and snapping his claws to send Celestia back to Canterlot.

She found herself in her chambers. Celestia knows that she has to get moving; however, she stood there confused about the pounding feeling in her chest. She looks down as she lifts a hoof to her chest. "Did my heart skip a beat?" She shakes her head in denial, "He was just nice. He didn't mean anything by it." she told herself. "So, what if Discord hasn't called me that in over a thousand years, so what? It doesn't mean anything." She tries to convince herself, but that didn't stop the pounding of her heart as she walks to the door. But she stops as she reaches for the knob.

She looks down before turning around and uses her magic to open her closet and pull out a small box. It has a faded pink tone with faded letters on the top. She sets the little box in front of her and open it. There where old letters, old trinkets and a small grey bunny doll on top of it all. She reaches inside and pulls out the grey bunny and holds it at eye level. "He wasn't trying to tell me anything, right?" There was a moment of silence before she squeezes the doll to her chest and lets out a sigh as old memories flow through her head.

---

A long time ago,

Two creatures could be seen under a tree; one was a white unicorn with pink hair and the other a miss shaped creature.

"Hay Tia?"

"Yes?"

"I was wondering. Do you like dolls?"

"Why do you ask?"

He pulls out a white bunny doll and gives it to her. She takes it and looks at it. "Well, because you are a girl, and I thought girls would like dolls."

"Discord," Celestia said while putting the doll to the side, "I'm going to be a young adult soon. I have no time for playing with dolls."

"Oh. Well, I can get you something else if you like."

"No, it is alright. Just next time, try something sweet."

He chuckles to himself, "You know you are going to get fat if you don't stop eating, sweeeeee-" Celestia uses her magic to pull on Discord's ear bring it closer to her enraged face.

"I am NOT fat!"

"I didn't say that!" Discord said, panicking, "I just said that you would become fat if you don't take it easy on the sweet!"

"You take back what you said!"

"But it is the truth!"

The memory fades away as Celestia puts the doll back in its place before putting the box away and leaving her room.

---

We now turn to Sugar Cube Corner. More precise downward into Pinkie's secret party room. Pinkie is next to a strange device with a hose pointing at Fluttershy. Fluttershy is looking better but, for some reason, is soaking wet.

"I am not sure this is working, Pinkie," Fluttershy said worried,

"Hay, you are the one that wants to date Discord. Not me." Pinkie said while wearing a teacher's outfit, "Now from the top, repeat after me. I like you, Discord."

"I... I..."

"Yes, yes, come on." she moves her hoof in a come here motion,

"I... like..."

"Come on!"

"I like hanging out with you, Discord." she ends with it a smile to which Pinkie response with a deadpan stare,

"Nope. Wrong answer." Pinkie then pulled a lever on the machine, and water gushes out the hose.

"Eep." Fluttershy was thankful for her cowardice. It has given her a fast reaction time to dodge the water this time.

"Come on, Fluttershy," Pinkie said, turning off the machine, "that's the tenth time you said that. I can only help you out with so much before you are on your own. And we haven't even gotten to the 'Getting turned down from a date' training yet."

"I know. I know," Fluttershy said, coming out from her hiding spot, "But this is the first time I have ever tried to go out of my way to ask somepony to be my special somepony. I get so nervous that I choke."

Pinkie rubs her head, "Why was this so much easier with Twilight?"

"What?"

"Oh, come on. Did you forget already that we helped out with Twilight getting hitch up with Thorax?"

"Oh, how could I forget?" Fluttershy looks dreamy at the ceiling, "The wedding was amazing."

"It was, wasn't it," Pinkie joined her for a moment before remembering something important, "Also, didn't you say something to Twilight that made her continue dating Thorax?"

"I did?" she looks confused at what she was talking about,

Pinkie jumps as she remembers, "Yeah, I think it was like 'If you can't bring yourself to see him for a date, then how will you ever find the courage to talk to another stallion that you may like later?' "

Fluttershy blushes at her own words, "Did I say that?"

"Yep, you did. So, you got to mare up and go for it. I mean, look at how well Twilight and Thorax ended up, and you were part of that."

Fluttershy thinks about this and smiles, "You are right. I can do this."

"At a girl."

"Next week," she said quickly before speeding out the room up the slide.

"Fluttershy!" Pinkie shouted, giving chase,