• Published 27th Aug 2012
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Only Human: A Lyra Heartstrings Production - Smoking Gun



Lyra Heartstrings becomes the showrunner for a hit new kids show: Only Human

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Chapter 1: The Pitch

Only Human: A Lyra Heartstrings Production
Chapter 1: The Pitch


By Smoking Gun


Canterlot was known for two key aspects. The first was its royalty. Tourists would come from all over Equestria just to take pictures of the Palace or to catch a glimpse of Celestia and Luna. The second aspect was the Pub network, whose building rivaled the size of the palace and was in the dead center of town. Pub was Equestria’s number one television network, specializing in children's programs (licensed more often than not). The executives that dwelled inside had seen everything. They’d seen the best of the best, the worst of the worst, and everything in between. But they were not prepared for what was about to step through the doors of the meeting room.


“The board will see you now, Miss Heartstrings,” said the secretary, never once taking her eyes off her hoof-file.

On the couch was a light green unicorn, clad in a very nice-looking business suit. Next to her were several slides that she had brought in, as well as a briefcase. Unfortunately, she was unable to hear the secretary over the sound of her own heartbeat. Sweat dripped from her forehead and onto her lovely suit. Her forelegs shook with anticipation while her hind legs went limp, almost like the blood had left them.

“Lyra Heartstrings!”

Lyra’s head shot up, revealing her tangelo eyes. She was so nervous that even her pupils were shaking. “Oh yeah. This thing,” she said with a joking tone in her voice. She jumped off the couch and levitated her items with her as she headed to the meeting room. The secretary didn’t even bother to offer her a complimentary glass of water while she was waiting, leaving her thirsty while she lost her fluids from all the sweat.

Like she was stepping onto a theater stage, Lyra’s demeanor changed as she entered the meeting room. She looked confident, strong and more than prepared—although the sweat stains were still on the collar of her suit. “Ladies and gentlecolts, thank you so much for giving me this opportunity!” she said happily.

“Don’t thank us yet,” replied a female executive at the end of the room with her two colleagues. Examining her surroundings, Lyra took note of the fact that she had a good few meters’ worth of space to herself. On the other side of the room, with their backs to the window, were the executives, sitting behind a very expensive-looking mahogany table. Lyra took note of the fact that one chair at the table was empty. “My name is Miss Synergy. These are my associates, Mister Paradigm and Mister Structuring.” The two other executives nodded as their excuse for a greeting. “Now, you are...” Synergy asked a little pompously.

I was kind of hoping they would have at least known my name before I walked in, the unicorn thought to herself.

“Lyra Heartstrings, Miss Synergy. I’m here to pitch my show to you.” Lyra had been to enough of these to know that you have to come in with self-confidence; otherwise, she would just get the boot again. But that confidence started to drain as Lyra noticed the execs sharing a rather condescending look, complete with cocked eyebrows.

“Miss Heartstrings,” piped up Paradigm. “We think it’s important before you start that we make it clear to you that we receive several pitches for new shows every new season. We’re not saying this to break your spirits—”

Yeah you are.

“—but we think it’s only fair that you understand this fully before we proceed. We should also note that we take video recordings of all meetings.”

Lyra was more than familiar with the first move. It was known as the “wear down entrance.” The idea was that if the executives went into a pitch session that they knew was going to end in a refusal, they would slowly break down the aspiring young storyteller before they delivered their pitch. This tactic became popular among the film and television circuits when there was a disturbing amount of writers going insane and tackling executives out the window. The recording part, however, was new. Luckily, the unicorn knew the one defense a pitcher had to have to get through this: stay strong. Don’t let them get to you. Keep going and never doubt yourself.

“Perfectly understandable,” Lyra said nonchalantly. “We’re just discussing things, aren’t we?”

“That’s true,” said Paradigm slowly. “It would probably be wise actually to start these discussions. Wouldn’t it?”

“Absolutely!” When Lyra looked hard enough, she could see that her positive attitude was making the executive’s skin crawl. Before she could say anything, Lyra’s attention was once again drawn to the empty chair. “Shouldn’t we wait for—”

“Our fourth is running late today. However, she has given us the green light to go ahead without her. Now, please proceed with your presentation.”

Now they’ll ask me to introduce myself.

“Why don’t you fully introduce yourself to us?” suggested Structuring.

Bullseye!

“A fantastic idea! As I mentioned earlier, I’m Lyra Heartstrings.”

Remember, Lyra—give them the cliffs notes and move on.

“I moved here from Ponyville a few weeks ago after graduating as a screenwriting major from Ponyville School of Art and Design—which brings us to this moment.”

Smooth work, girl, she thought to herself with a cocky grin on her face.

“To the point. I can appreciate that,” remarked Synergy with a nod. “Tell us, what brings you to the Pub network as opposed to another Equestrian network?”

You can do this, Lyra. You rehearsed this!

“The Pub network is synonymous with great television!” she said with great emphasis. Lyra knew that if there’s one thing executives love; it’s having smoke blown up their plots. “Transmorphers, Daring Ducks, Cuddle Kittens. Those shows have captured the hearts of audiences. Who wouldn’t want to have their creation as part of the Pub family?” At least in this version of the speech, Lyra didn’t give away the fact that she had been to four other networks prior to this.

“Quite the flattery,” remarked Synergy.

“Not flattery—truth!” retorted Lyra. The unicorn could almost see the executives sign the contracts already.

“Now, I believe you have something to present to us.” Structuring nodded towards materials that Lyra had brought towards the room.

“Ah, yes. That thing!” Lyra jested, making the older executives crack a small giggle.

You’re doing great, Lyra. Now it’s showtime!

Using her magic, Lyra levitated the first of many slides. “Allow me to present you Only Human!” The first card revealed the logo of the show, which had a distinct cartoony feel to it.

The executives shared the same confused expression. “Only... what?” asked Synergy.

“I’m glad you asked.” Heartstrings brought up the second slide. “Humans are creatures of my own design. They walk on their hind legs... I’m sorry. Their ONLY legs. Also, instead of hooves, they have these appendages called ‘hands’. Think claws, but not as scaly. And to top it all off, no tails!” The slide in question held a pencil-drawn image that more or less met Lyra’s description.

Paradigm leant forward in his chair, squinting at the design. “I presume that’s your design for these ‘humans’?”

“Well... more of a rough sketch.” Lyra was starting to feel uneasy.

“It’s a series of sticks with a circle for a head. And I believe that there are some scribbles for hair.”

Deep breaths, Lyra. Deep breaths.

She may have gotten straight A’s as a writing major, but there was a reason she wasn’t an animation major. Doing the project on her own meant that she would have to take up art responsibility, assuming that once the project was picked up, a professional animation studio would take care of the rest.

“I’ll admit that this is more a ‘basic template’ for the humans. However, what’s important is the story of these characters.” She dropped the second slide and pulled up the third. This slide had six different humans standing together in town. Unfortunately, different only went as far as different hairstyles and additional circles for breasts on the females. “The series follows six of these humans, three boys and three girls, each with their own unique personalities and skills.”

Lyra noticed the executives staring blankly at her, and her left hoof started to shake. “Y-you see, we have Sarah, Justin, Diane, Clark, Claire, and Peter.”

Still no reaction from the judging ponies.

"They would start off not really liking each other. But over the course of the series, they put their skills together to overcome life’s obstacles and grow close because of it.”

Still, nothing.

Stay calm, Heartstrings! You’re not out yet!

“Each of these characters has their own thing going on.” She brought up the fifth slide. “Whoops. Sorry, I skipped a slide,” she said, sweat starting to seep out. She pulled all of the cards in front of her. “No, that isn’t it. Wait a minute, I didn’t forget it, did I?” The cards eclipsed her view of the executives, making it impossible for her to see them sharing the same bewildered expression.

Lyra dropped all the cards in a fit of frustration. “It doesn’t matter where it is. First, we’ve got Sarah, who works as a scien—”

“That’s enough, Miss Heartstrings,” said Synergy with a raised hoof, signalling Lyra to be silent. “I think we all know where this is going. You’re presenting a children’s show that would bring in both boys and girls. These ‘humans’ of yours would serve as an interesting new species that would catch the audience off-guard but would still be accessible due to the characters’ personalities. Would you say we’re correct?”

Of course they’d know. They’ve probably heard a pitch for an identical show before breakfast.

“Yes, Synergy.”

Miss Synergy,” she corrected.

“Miss Synergy,” replied Lyra with a great deal of frustration. “I understand that you might feel—”

“Underwhelmed?” interrupted Structuring with a wise-ass smirk. His associates let out little chuckle. Lyra didn’t join in.

They’re laughing at me now? she thought frantically.

“Apart from your... interesting creatures, this is very similar to many of the shows we’ve said no to. What exactly makes these humans so special? What makes them more compelling than Transmorphers, for example?”

You mean those heartless hunks of metal that do nothing but shout one liners and punch each other?

“What makes them compelling are their hearts. These are characters that fillies and colts all over Equestria will be able to relate to, as well as learn valuable lessons from.”

“We’re doing morals now?” inquired Paradigm.

“I was planning to get there, but yes. Each episode would be themed around one core concept that would help kids grow into better adults. As opposed to just learning action quips they can quote at school the next day.”

Oh crap. Why did I let that slip?!

“So...” said Synergy as she leaned forward in her chair, making it creak. “You’re saying that Transmorphers has nothing but action?”

Tread lightly. Tread. Lightly.

“Well. Trans—”

“It’s OK, Miss Heartstrings. We’re well aware of the demographic that Transmorphers is catered to. Something like ‘Only Human’ would fall into the same field as Cuddle Kittens.”

“You mean that poorly written, cutesy-wootsy waste of airtime?” Lyra retorted.

Lyra froze as shivers traveling down her spine.

I’m bucked.

“Ah, so maybe the Pub network isn’t as perfect as you led us to believe,” snickered Paradigm. “That’s quite alright. The most important thing in business is that everypony is honest with each other.” His colleagues joined in the snickering.

They’re just screwing with me now!

Any confidence that Lyra had left flew out the window. “I didn’t mean to offend. That just kind of slipped.”

“Clearly,” Synergy said with a cocky smirk. “May I have a closer look at your samples?” Lyra knew that this couldn’t end well, but that couldn't stop her from levitating the slides over to the table. The executives looked through each of them. “Wow. I do have to admit, I can truly feel the essence of this universe that you’ve created, Miss Heartstrings.”

Hearing the laughs come out of the executives mouths shattered Lyra’s self esteem like glass. She knew this was it.

“As long as we’re being honest, Miss Heartstrings, please tell us, how many other studios have you shown this creation of yours to?” asked Synergy.

“Four,” she whispered. Unfortunately for her, they heard it clearly.

“You’ve show this to four other studios?” she asked with the same kind of fake impression that only a true jerk could give. “And what did they say?”

Lyra squirmed for a brief moment.

“Don’t call us. We’ll call you,” she said with great reluctance.

Synergy’s chest started to bounce as she did her best to contain her laughter. “A very interesting choice of words.”

The unicorn’s eyes started to water.

“Miss Heartstrings, you’re young. Fresh out of university. Don’t be surprised if these studios don’t take your creation as far as you were hoping. This is a great learning experience for you. I would recommend taking your vision to a... smaller platform. Perhaps a web series would be best suited to your art style.”

I've got to get out of here before I buck them through the window.

“Thank you all for your time. Maybe I’ll just leave those with you.”

It’s not like I’m going to need them anymore.

The broken unicorn magically lifted her brief case of the ground as she headed for the door.

“Wait! One more question.”

Lyra turned to Paradigm, who was holding up the card with the show’s logo on it. “Why exactly did you name the show ‘Only Human'? It’s quite curious.”

This part Lyra could recite in her sleep. “Because they’re flawed, just like ponies. They try and they fail but they’ll always get back up. That’s what my humans do,” she said with a single tear running down her face.

“Very inspiring words. I’m sure we could all learn from these humans.”

“Yeah... sure.” Lyra pulled the door open.

“Actually,one last detail,” said Structuring. “Don’t call us. We’ll call you.”

That smarmy little...

“Thanks for your consideration.” And with that, Lyra closed the door behind her, power walking towards the door, leaving nothing but tears in her wake.

BING!

Thank Celestia that the elevator had just decided to open up as she trotted toward it. When the door opened, Lyra could have sworn she saw a cream-coloured pony exit it. But who cares? She just needed to get out of there.

Pushing past the cream pony, she hit the ground floor button as quickly as she could, letting emotions out as soon as she thought the door was closed. Little did she know that the pony she just ran past was still in earshot when she started crying.

The cream pony opened the door to the meeting room, greeted only by the laughter of her fellow executives. “Did I miss something funny?” she asked.

“Don’t worry, Miss Bon. We have it all right here—and we recorded the whole thing,” greeted Synergy. She hoofed over the first slide she could grab hold of. Bon Bon examined the slide that had just been given to her. The only thing on the card was a single stick figure with a poorly drawn circle for a head.

She raised her eyebrow in curiosity. “Can I get a look at that recording?”


Ditzy’s Muffins wasn’t the busiest store in Canterlot, but it always had a few decent ponies in there, enjoying the fresh, straight-out-of-the-oven muffins. Chocolate chip, banana, strawberry, they named it and Ditzy had it on a platter for them. The aroma practically lifted them off their feet. Hoping the sweet scents of the baked goods would lift her spirits, Lyra dragged herself into the restaurant, taking a seat at the only available table, which was seated for two.

“Lyra!” shouted Ditzy, the store owner. She flew straight over the counter and gave her friend a big hug. “How’d it go?” she asked, smiling at her.

“Well—” she began heavily.

“Wait! I just remembered. I baked you your favorites.” She flew back over the oven set she had behind the counter, pulling out a fresh platter and laying it in front of the depressed unicorn. “A batch of blueberries! On the house.”

Looking through the steam emanating from the muffins, Lyra could see Ditzy smiling warmly at her with her wall eyes. “Damn it, Ditzy. You know I can’t say no to these.” It wasn’t much, but Lyra’s morale was just a little bit stronger after taking a nice, slow bite out of her favorite treat.

Ditzy took the seat across from her. “I’m guessing by the tear stains on your suit that it didn’t go well.”

“Mmhmm.” That was the only way Lyra could respond while eating her muffin. “Nat ohnly ded thei—”

“Swallow, silly,” chuckled the pegasus.

“Not only that, they laughed at me in the process. Keeping my artwork—”

“Stick figures.”

“Whatever. I’ve been to five studios now, but that had to be the first time they actually laughed.”

“I thought it was supposed to be a comedy,” she said playfully.

“Oh shut up.” Despite her words, Lyra was actually starting to smile again. Ditzy did have that effect on her. It was one of the reasons they were friends.

Ditzy poked her head pasted Lyra, noticing several customers waiting impatiently at the counter. “Got to go. But I want to hear all about it later.”

Lyra was now left alone with her muffins. “Trust me, you really don’t.” They may be delicious, but they weren’t good enough to make her forget about her last five meetings. One by one, shut down completely.

“Sloppy.” The unicorn raised her head, seeing a cream-coloured earth pony standing in front of her, holding a slide under her foreleg. Lyra noticed that she had a dark blue mane with pink highlights. The ends of her mane were done up to look like sweets. “Poorly drawn. Hastily put together. Missing slides. Shall I go on?”

Didn’t I see her back at Pub? she wondered.

“No, please don’t. I’ve had enough people say those words to me already.”

“People?” the mare asked with a curious look.

“Ponies. Sorry, I got used to saying people when I was working the story for my show out.”

“Uh-huh. May I sit down?”

I really want to tell her to buzz off, but I wouldn’t want to kick out a potential customer for Ditzy.

“It’s a free city. Do whatever you want.”

As soon as the earth pony sat down, she grabbed one of Lyra’s muffins. “Blueberry? They’re my favorites. You really shouldn’t have.”

Lyra watched the mare eat away at the muffin and wondered what the hay was going on.

“Anyway, I know I said some kind of mean things to you a second ago—”

Oh really?

“But I like what you’ve got.”

“Like what, exactly?” asked Lyra.

“Your show, doofus. I watched your pitch to Pub,” she said, pulling the slide up to her eye level. “I have to admit, despite how amateurishly you put this together, I see something in this. I see something in you, Heartstrings.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Look, you’ve clearly got an idea. You love what you’ve got rattling in your head. You know how to talk to executives... up until a point at least. You know how to sing, Lyra. But you need to learn how to dance.”

“I’m sorry, but could you maybe slow down and just tell me who you are?!” shouted Lyra.

The earth pony extended a friendly hoof to Lyra, who shook it against her better judgement. “Bon Bon. Junior executive for the Pub Network.”

Oh great! Another one of these jerks.

“Is there something I can do for you, Bon Bon?” asked Lyra with a cautious hint in her voice.

“Actually, I’m here to do something for you.” Bon Bon held up the slide she had brought with her. It was the first slide in Lyra’s presentation, the slide that had the ‘Only Human’ logo on it. “I’d like to bring your humans to life.”


Next: Development Hell!