Sweetie Drops was not having the best of mornings. She felt terrible. Her head was spinning and there was a strange rumble going on in her stomach. It’s as if she drank an entire galleon of apple cider last night and is now facing the consequences. But this nauseating sensation was the last thing on the Private’s mind.
Today was the day when she and the rest of the ponies return to Coruscant. Their time on Dantooine was short, having spent only one night at the Jedi Enclave. Although a few ponies wanted to stay and explore the planet, their request was ignored. There simply wasn’t any time for field trips. Especially, when their home world is in immediate danger.
Sweetie groaned. Despite resting on a nice, comfortable bed, she couldn’t sleep last night. Thoughts of her home and the future of Lyra and her Captain plagued her night, costing the Private hours of sleep. The trip to Coruscant was at least a day away, so hopefully, she can get some extra rest onboard the Omega. Even so, waking up with so little hours of rest didn’t help.
Letting out a big yawn, the Private began trotting toward the spacecraft she’d grown accustom to these few days. Upon approaching the ship, however, she spotted two ponies talking among one another: Lyra and Captain Platinum Impact.
Sweetie frowned. Seeing Lyra reminded her of the talk she had with Master Darran, as well as the horrible meeting with the Jedi Council. How did that mare put up with those old geezers anyway? Aside from Darran and that weird small Jedi, they were completely insufferable.
And their philosophy. It was still stuck in her head. Just thinking about it made her feel worse. The Jedi philosophy was against Equestrian lifestyle. Outright bans on having friends, preventing children from seeing their own families. There were too many to count.
Yet for some reason, her Captain wasn’t mad. Despite crying her heart out yesterday, the mare and Lyra were still close. It’s as if their time spent together in that bedroom alleviated all of the Captain’s worries.
Sweetie sighed. She and the other guardsponies have tried asking the Captain what had happened, the mare rebuked them saying that it was none of their concern. And to add insult to injury, the Captain berated her for judging her daughter too harshly; though Lyra quickly came to her defense.
It surprised her, really, having the mare she openly criticized rush to her side. She figured that Lyra would just let the Captain berate her. But she didn’t want that, and that’s what confused Sweetie the most. Perhaps she did it out of obligation. After all, Lyra’s beliefs did state to not let their emotions get the better of them.
“Maybe I judged her unfairly,” Sweetie muttered as she continued trotting toward the spacecraft.
Regardless of her friend’s actions, she still couldn’t bring it in her heart to trust the Jedi. At least not yet. If they’re truly the great peacekeepers Lyra says they are, then they’ll have to earn her trust. Starting with the defense of her home.
“Greetings, creamy one. I pray that you’ve had a good night’s rest.”
Looking to her right, Sweetie spotted her former captive turned friend walking right beside her. He appeared to be in a good mood as the Trandoshan was holding two relatively large bags in his hands and another one strapped to his back. “What’re you holding, Chessk?” Sweetie asked.
“Oh, this? It’s supplies that I’ve bought at the local weapons shop here,” answered the Trandoshan. “Upon hearing my expertise of weapon crafting, the Jedi Masters have requested discounts on the local weapon store here. Granted, the store owner wasn’t at all happy with the decision, but the number of items I ordered brightened his mood somewhat.”
“You’re bringing all of that?” asked Sweetie, who pointed her hoof at the bags.
“Of course. If I am to participate in the upcoming battle, then I must contribute as much as I can. And that means modifying and creating new weapons and armor.”
Sweetie frowned. “You really love to fight, don’t you?”
“Indeed. Fighting is in the nature of all Trandoshans. Though given the time we spent, you should know this by now.” Looking down, Chessk gaped at the sullen mare. “You do not look well, creamy one. Is everything alright?”
“No, I’m fine. I just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, that’s all.”
“Really? That is strange. I’d assume that the Jedi Council would give you equines a suitable living quarters, but it seems like that wasn’t the case. Or, perhaps it’s something else that kept you awake last night.”
“Wow, you sound like Lyra’s Master.” Sweetie said, sarcastically.
“It doesn’t take a Jedi Master to know something’s wrong with you, creamy one,” Chessk shot back. “Now for the good of your well-being, I suggest that you come clean and talk. Better to admit your true feelings rather than hold all of it back.”
“I’m not hiding anything!”
“Don’t snap at me like that, equine. The look in your eyes is all the proof I need!”
Rolling her eyes, Sweetie ignored Chessk’s comment and proceeded to board the Omega alongside the other ponies. Once inside, she overheard the Captain barking orders, demanding that everypony onboard meet her at the ship’s garage. She didn’t know what this was all about; but regardless, she followed Platinum’s orders and went along with the group.
When she had arrived at her destination, Sweetie quickly noticed that everypony formed a circle around her captain “Gather up, everypony. I have an announcement to make,” ordered Platinum, who was still raising her voice. “Tomorrow we will be meeting with the Supreme Chancellor of the Galactic Republic. Our goal is to petition support from him and his government for aid against the oncoming Mandalorian invasion.”
Sweetie’s ears flopped as whispers escalated among her kin. Despite their best attempts to hide it, several ponies were worried for the future. They simply did not trust this alien government to come to their aid. And although the Jedi have volunteered to send their own, many did like them either. Especially after the meeting that occurred yesterday.
The Private sighed. She knew it in her heart, and so did everypony else. The situation was grim. Though the Captain’s words seem promising, but nopony was willing to admit, they had their doubts.
“Everypony be quiet!” Platinum barked out just before the crowd noise became worse. “So, as I was saying, we are going to meet with the Supreme Chancellor tomorrow. However, because of the sheer urgency of our situation, we can’t wait for the Republic to send aid. So, my daughter and I came up with a plan.”
“What sort of plan?” asked one pony from the group.
“A simple one, really. When we have reached Coruscant, a few of us will not stay during the meeting with the Senate. Instead, Jedi Master Kavar will take some of you to the Celestial Sun, where you will go straight home.”
Sweetie blinked. Only a few ponies will stay behind at Coruscant? And the rest will go home? That is… actually a good idea! This way, they can warn Princess Celestia in time before the invasion. Perhaps garner some meaningful defense.
She looked around the room. The suggestion by Captain Impact immediately caused stirs amongst the group of ponies, but it seemed a majority of them approving of the plan overall.
“You said a Jedi Master is coming with us. Is he the only one coming or is there going to be more them?” asked another pony in the crowd.
“My daughter spoke of her idea to the Council, and they agreed to send in a team of six Jedi. One Jedi Master, and the other are Knights,” answered the Captain. “It’s not much but it will be enough to get you all safely home. Not to mention it’ll be a failsafe in case the Mandalorians have already sent scouts of their own.”
“I like that idea!” shouted another pony. Sweetie nodded in agreement, who was joined by nearly everypony else in the garage. It appeared the Captain’s plan was highly favored, despite their skepticism of the Jedi. However, some ponies weren’t convinced.
“Captain, can I ask you a question?” said one stallion.
“Yes, Sergeant Halberd,” replied Platinum.
“When you said that some of us are going home, who’re you planning on sending back?”
“Ah, good question, Sergeant. It’s good to know that my squadron is still capable of thinking ahead. But anyways, our meeting with the Senate is a crucial one. I am aware that some of you want to go home; but aside from me and my daughter, I need at least a couple of you to volunteer and stay with us. Provided that you are good at public speaking.”
“But what’re we even supposed to say?” asked a mare from the crowd. “Convincing an entire civilization to help some backwater planet like ours isn’t going to be easy.”
“Especially when there’s a major war going on too,” replied another pony whose comments earned the nods of everypony in the room, including Sweetie Drops.
“It’s not going to be easy I know. But Lyra and I have come up with some ideas that can help us. Plus, I have something up my hooves that will really turn the debate in our favor.”
“And what would that be, Captain?” asked Stalwart.
“You will know when we’ve reached Coruscant. For now, I want you all to relax and get some more rest. You’ll have until tomorrow to decide on whether you want to go home or stay with me and Lyra on Coruscant. Until then, you’re all dismissed.”
One by one, the group of ponies began to scatter. Most left the garage altogether, but some stayed behind. Their curiosity got the better of them when they saw a large, futuristic vehicle parked in the middle of the room.
“I guess a speed bike is enough warrant everypony’s attention,” said Sweetie Drops.
“Well, it’s not every day you get to see futuristic technology, Private. Best to just leave them be.”
Sweetie’s ears wobbled. Looking to her left, she spotted Platinum Impact looking right at her. “C-Captain Impact!” Immediately, the mare straightened her posture and saluted her superior. To her surprise, however, her captain merely chuckled at her expense.
“Sweetie, please. Now isn’t the time for such formalities,” said the mare.
“Oh, really? Well, forgive me, ma’am. I just didn’t want to be rude.”
“I understand, Private. But I’m not here just for idle chat. There’s some things that I’d like to discuss with you.”
“About what?” Sweetie asked.
“About you, Private. I saw you back at the hangar bay before we boarded. You don’t look so good. It’s as if you slept on solid bedrock for the night.”
Sweetie flinched. “How… how did you know?”
“Private, I’ve been with the Royal Guard for so many years. And one of the key things that we Captains do is to pay close attention to our subordinate’s emotional state. It helps when spotting demoralized troops or for catching disguised Changelings.”
Sweetie groaned. Realizing that she couldn’t hide her true feelings any longer, she confessed before her Captain. “I’m just not sure if I’m ready to trust these aliens yet,” she admitted while showing a hint of scorn. “And I’m not only talking about their Government or Navy. It’s the Jedi I’m worried about.”
“You really do have an issue with them, don’t you?” asked Platinum. She had listened closely with her subordinate, but Sweetie’s confession only seemed to upset the mare. “I surprised. This is a complete one eighty, Private. You trusted the Jedi before. What made you change your mind?”
“Well, the meeting with the Jedi Council didn’t help. Not to mention their beliefs are so stupid! How can anyone trust an Order that separates children from their parents or prevent ponies from making friends!”
Sweetie waited for her Captain to reply, thinking that she would rush to the Jedi’s defense. But to her surprise, Platinum didn’t say a word. Seeing this, the Private continued to ramble. “Hearing their philosophy. It makes me wonder what’s going to happen to Lyra. Captain, please. Aren’t you at the very least worried about her?”
“That is her decision to make, Private, not yours or mine!” rebuked Platinum. “Look, I know it’s difficult to put our faith in the Jedi Order. And it doesn’t make it easier when their beliefs are the complete opposite of what our society believes in. But if it weren’t for them, we still would’ve been stuck in cages and my daughter would be lost in space.”
“Is that why you trust them, Captain? Because of Lyra?”
“In a way, yes. My doubts aside, I am truly grateful that they rescued my little filly and raised her to be an excellent mare.”
“But aren’t you worried that she’ll leave you behind? The Jedi do not allow their members to be a part of their families.”
“I am aware of that, Private. But like I said earlier that decision is for her to make. She is a grown mare. And as her mother, I don’t want to get in the way of her decision. If she wants to stay with the Jedi, I’ll be okay with it. At the very least, I’ll know she’s out there doing good in the galaxy,” she said with puckered lips. “I’m proud of her, and I’m sure her father would be too when he hears about all this.”
“Do you really think they’ll let her see her father at the end of all this?”
“I’ll make sure of it. Besides, Lyra wants to see him too. So, I’m sure Darran will have at least one family moment together.”
“Leave it to the most rational Jedi Master to come to an agreement.” Sweetie sighed. “Fine. You win, ma’am. I won’t bring this up anymore.”
“Thank you, Private Drops. I understand where you are coming from, but the future of my daughter is in her hooves only. Not yours or mine.” Smiling, Captain Platinum saluted in front of her Private; and in return, Sweetie did the same.
Lyra skipped merrily as she trotted out the bike garage. By the Force, she felt great. It felt as if she can take a whole squadron of Mandalorians. An exaggeration perhaps but the young Padawan felt more alive than ever before.
She smiled. In truth, she felt so energetic because of the huge amount of support she was getting. From her master, her mother, and all the friendships she made. The future was still uncertain, but the Force was with her. And Lyra believed she can tackle whatever came to her.
<Little Jedi.>
“Huh?” Lyra stopped moving as she heard a familiar voice ringing in her ears. Looking around, she spotted Chessk to her left, standing alone in the corridor. “Oh, good morning, Chessk,” she greeted. “What’re you doing here all by yourself? Are Hider and Geefour arguing with each other again?”
<No, little Jedi. I’m here to talk about our other compatriot.> Chessk replied in Dosh. <The creamy one is not in the best of mood this morning. I ran into her before we came on board, and it seems the truth of the Jedi Order still looms over her head.>
“Aw, you don’t have to worry about her, Chessk. I’m sure Sweetie will get over the shock in time. If anything, I bet she’s just worried about our home.”
<That is exactly the problem, little Jedi.> berated the Trandoshan. His response caused Lyra’s ears to droop.
“What do you mean?”
<Put yourself in her position, little one. It’s bad enough that we have to plea for the Republic government for assistance, but to ask for help from an organization whose ideology is opposite to your own. She has every reason to feel doubtful.>
Lyra didn’t reply. How could she when her friend brought up a very good point. And it made her wonder, are other ponies having doubts like Sweetie? What if they are hiding their true emotions and, in truth, still distrust the Jedi? “What do you think I should do?” she asked.
<I suggest that you settle the differences between you two as soon as possible. If things remain the way they are now, it may prove detrimental to your companionship with her.> Turning his head, Chessk looked into the bike garage. <Hmm. I take it back. It appears your mother is already a step ahead of you.>
Confused, Lyra followed her friend’s eyes and saw Sweetie and her mother having lone conversation with each other. <I have to hand it to her.> Chessk continued. <It appears she has already found a weak link.>
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Lyra asked.
<I do not know. But I’m certain the Captain is attempting to settle all the doubts that’re dwelling inside your friend. Regardless, I do not think that this is enough to ease the creamy one’s doubts. Give her another day before you speak with her.>
“What about everypony else? Do you think that some of them might share the same feelings as she has?”
<It’s possible, little one. You and your mother may be able to settle your kin down with charismatic words, but in truth, it is not enough. If you are to erase all their doubts, then your actions must speak louder.>
Everything's moving along nicely. Curious what Platinum has planned to try and convince the Republic to help out, and why she's waiting to reveal it. I do hope Lyra and Sweetie can come to some sort of agreement between their clashing philosophies. The Jedi Code is harsh, but it's what Lyra's grown up in.
Just a couple small things today.
I'd either removing "having" at the beginning of the sentence there, or change "had rushed" to "rush". And I think a visible scene or paragraph break in between Sweetie and Lyra's sections of the chapter would make it look nicer.
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Thanks for the feedback. A bit late, but I made the changes you request.
Whew, just finished reading the whole story so far. Overall I loved it.
Definitely needs an editing pass though. Missing sentences, words, restructured phrases that no longer make sense with their context, ambiguous questions somehow clearly understood by characters, etc. But for the most part it's OK. Just needs a little polish.
One big issue I noticed is that it isn't until chapter 31 that it's revealed the Celestial Sun is an old Republic ship. The ponies having a ship did not make sense until that revelation. It should really be done earlier, or if it was, it needs to be hammered home a bit more since apparently it's easy to miss. For example, it could be commented that the initial transmission from the ponies that kicks everything off was on an old Republic frequency, so is likely from the same type of ship Lyra was found on. The transmission itself could also explicitly state they salvaged an old ship.
I think also the information about the dig site with the ships should be given alongside the story about Lyra's arrival at Corescant when she was a kid. Again it helps hammer home where the ships came from and is something she would remember. I also don't recall her being 7, for some reason I was thinking 4, not sure if there's an inconsistency in the numbers or if I'm imagining it. Or was the period of time she spent training 13 years? "Decade" is a word that is thrown around a lot and maybe that is what threw me off.
Lyra should definitely have remembered and recognized her mother on sight. Not sure how you would still do what you wanted to do with that revelation though. She would have had to suffer some trauma that caused her to forget.
I think the story could have started with Chapter 4 in order to start us in the action, with Lyra and her Master rescuing Hider as we see in the chapter, as a way to more quickly get the ball rolling and hook readers. It would have been an interesting alternative start to the story at least. Any backstory given in the previous chapters can be easily filled in with explanations to Hider, many of which already take place. I think the main that that doesn't is the bit of information that Lyra's master has never trained her to fight double-bladed opponents, which of course does become important later. And Lyra's relationship with the council members, as well.
The story in general also has a bit of problem with excessive exposition. I think the worst part is when the rescue of the remaining ponies are taking place and there is a lot of talking that chapter, especially during the escape when everyone is supposed to be running. Telling the ponies about the Hutts and other species adds nothing to the story (assuming it never becomes relevant) and slows down the pacing of what should be a fast-paced chapter.
And a plot hole that needs patching is why the Republic couldn't just turn Lyra's ship around and get back to Equestria? There's never any comment made on this IIRC. Though that is not too difficult to patch. The ship is old and maybe the hyperdrive failed when it dropped out of hyperspace at Coruscant, the resulting malfunction destroying the hyperspace maps and navigation history data in in the navicomputer.
OK maybe I'm getting into nitpick territory for some of this, but that's only because I really like this story. I especially like how it's not really clear what Lyra will end up choosing... the Jedi or her family. Though it seems she has no choice in the end. She can give up the Jedi, but not her Force proficiency, and forming attachments is dangerous for those proficient in the Force, Jedi or not. But I guess we'll see what you do with her choice.
The rest of the story seems to be laid out; convince the Supreme Chancellor to aid the pony planet (seems like an easy sell, if the Mandalorians establish a foothold on Equestria, they probably already know the hyperspace route directly to Coruscant from there. since why else would they go through that trouble?). Then get to Equestria (where we hopefully see lots more ponies enter the story) and fight the Mandalorians for pony peace yay.
I also like how this story feels like a KotOR game a bit. It's been a while since I've played any, but we do build up a ragtag team with their own ship and they fly around to various planets. I could easily see a game adaptation of this.
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Thank you so much for the feedback. You don't know how long I've been waiting for something like this. I am glad you like the story despite the flaws.
I'm aware that this story has some grammar and exposition issues. Especially with exposition. Even though I've been writing for three years, it's still a problem for me to this day. It also doesn't help that I lost my editors very early, but that's no excuse (still have my alpha readers though).
As for your questions, there is a reason why the Republic could not return Lyra home and why an Old Republic ship was found in Equestria. But that will be answered at the conclusion of the story.
And to be clear, Lyra is seventeen in the story. She came to the Jedi when she was seven and trained with them for ten years. As for why she couldn't recognize her mother at first glance, well, it has been ten years. She was still very young at the time of her accidental departure from Equestria. Things can change in ten years. And sometimes, you stuff too. Especially when you haven't seen your mom for so long. Couple that with Jedi Training and pretty soon Lyra would soon forget the faces she once knew.
Anyway, I'm glad you like the story. If you can, share it with your friends on Fimfiction. Yes, I'm asking for a bit much but I'd like to see more people get into this and provide feedback. I should have a new chapter tomorrow, if not Monday, so stay tuned.
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Glad I could help. There were other points earlier in the story where I felt something seemed missing but later on you filled in the gap, so it doesn't surprise me. Like I said the big one was where Equestrians got ships from.
One addendum I have is that when you don't explain something in the story it can feel like a mistake or that something was left out unintentionally. One way to address this is Lampshade Hanging, where you bring up the topic to make it clear you're doing it intentionally. Or simply explaining something sooner if there's no narrative reason not to.
For example having Hider ask a question about Lyra's past and having an answer that doesn't actually reveal anything to the readers would serve that purpose. You did something similar to Lyra (not the readers) to draw out her revelation about her mother, as a sort of example.
Also one last thing, once I reached the bit where we learn the Mandalorians are going to invade Equestria, I thought of an interesting alternate path the story might have taken. Doesn't seem to mesh with what you're doing, but I thought the idea was too good not to share.
First of all, this assumes Lyra's ship's course couldn't be retraced, as in the story proper. So the Celestial Sun is the only ship with the coordinates of Equestria and the map of (presumably long lost) hyperspace lanes away from it. In my version, nobody in the Exchange had realized where the ship came from might be valuable to them, so the information was still onboard the Celestial Sun but hadn't been copied to anywhere else. The Mandalorians download the ship's navicomputer contents, and then wipe it.
Now the Mandalorians know the location of Equestria, but nobody else does, including the Celestial Sun's crew, who still only have a rudimentary knowledge of the ship and in all honestly launched a half-baked rescue mission without really knowing what they were getting themselves into.
This makes for an interesting dilemma; the Republic knows there is a hyperspace lane directly from Coruscant to Equestria, and that the Mandalorians either have found another lane from Equestria to safer territory for them (in the Celestial Sun's navicomputer), or else have taken the dangerous step of mapping a new lane, which would show they are committed to this course of action.
Our heroes still get the intel that the Mandalorians intend to invade Equestria, and they even get the coordinates to it, but without a hyperspace map to guide a ship to the planet they can't actually go there. The Republic can't reach Equestria, so their only real option is to move forces to Coruscant and hope to catch the Mandalorians by surprise once they launch an attack from an Mandalorian-controlled Equestria. The Jedi can't really do much either. This is of course unacceptable to the ponies.
My knowledge of the EU outside of video games is a bit limited, but IIRC creating/discovering new hyperspace lanes is dangerous work. But perhaps a Force user would have an edge there. So Lyra decides to remap the hyperspace lane herself (this would require her to have some background with at least basic piloting skills. She can speak four languages so why not), of course everyone forbids her from doing this due to the extreme danger but she goes off on her own and does it anyway in some sort of hyperspace capable fighter craft the Jedi use, maybe. Or maybe Hider gives her tips on stealing from the Republic Navy, lol. Anyway, she has some close calls but succeeds in reaching Equestria and is able to get the information back to the Republic/Jedi, and then the story is (probably, mostly) back on track where you have it. She's also once again alone waiting for her friends to show up in a potentially dangerous situation so something could be done with that. Plus whatever consequences follow from Lyra disobeying the Order (tempered by the fact that everyone including the Supreme Chancellor now loves Lyra for doing the thing the Order told her not to do).
So yeah I thought that was a cool idea. Like I said doesn't really fit with where the story is now though.