• Member Since 25th Jun, 2016
  • offline last seen Monday

Undead Equestrian Writer


My eyes see many beautiful colors, my ears ring with beautiful noises, my nose is filled with joyous smells, my hands burn in anticipation. My world is much better when it is dead anyway.

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The ponies of Equestria are unsure of what to do, when disasters all over Equestria begin popping up, something Celestia or Luna has never seen before. From wicked unstoppable tornados to powerful churning tsunamis.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 4 )

Thank you for the chapter, I look forward to seeing where this goes.

So well-written and now I really want to know where it goes!! I’ll follow your story for sure :raritystarry:

Several typos:

  • "I quickly made for thw exit, terrified of the building I stand in to crumble around me."
  • "Ponies rushed into the subway system, just as another shake rocked the city, this onr being the worst of the shakes, as windows in buildings exploded, buildings crumpled and the subway collapsed immediately."
  • "I felt like crying as I collapsed, but I couldn't cry as I heard the sound of rushing water, and it sloely got closer."
  • "Celestia sat in her throne, mane disheveld from the shakes she felt and hour prior, the shakes having confirmed been from the paper she read desribing to her the disaster that was Manehattan."
  • "She doesn't know what caused it or if it will happen again." (story tense)
  • ""I want whatever caused this to my little ponies to found out and understood what the hell caused this," Celestia demanded, swearing for the first time in a few thousand years." (sentence tense)
  • "All ponies quickly evaxuated the castle, and waited but another shake didn't arrive."
  • "Rain slowly started coming down, and slowly it turned into a turretial downpour, keeping ponies indoors as the were confused by the strange change in weather."

There's nothing wrong from a plot perspective, but the story (the details supporting the plot) here is rather weak; sentences are constructed oddly and characters seem robotic even when it's clear their should be tons of emotion. And in general there's a feeling the story tells us that a given thing happened without describing any of the sensory information (windows shattered, okay, but how fast, how loud, and did any rain down on shouting crowds?)
I recommend especially rewriting the bit with Celestia to focus more on the details of how ponies are reacting to all this going on (guards being shaky etc.) rather than just saying what they did.

Also, the chapter title is very odd, shouldn't it be "Earthquake in Manehattan" or "Manehattan Earthquake"? As is, it is saying a Manehattan of the earthquake variety.

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