• Published 19th Mar 2019
  • 18,073 Views, 382 Comments

Spellcraft engineer - MyElbowsTypeWords



A large corporation in Manehattan hires you to fulfill the Diversity and Inclusion goals and reach the target numbers on the key metrics such as the absence of gender and racial bias. To their surprise, you are not entirely useless. (RGRE)

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Proactively Diversifying Mission-Critical Resources

It's hard to tell whether the spire of the Microspell HQ in Manehatten is so tall that it reaches the clouds, or the clouds in Manehatten are so low that they are touching the spire. Both statements are equally true, even if they drag your mood in two opposite directions. In a way, it fits your current situation, so you allow your mood to be in an odd superposition of optimistic contentment and looming depression. The former is based on the fact that it looks like you are about to get a job. The latter is mostly due to the circumstance that everything in this situation is some sort of a horrible mistake. You take one more look at the clouds outside of the huge wall-sized window of the office you are currently sitting in and focus on whatever misunderstanding is happening inside.

You wouldn't call yourself a mathematical genius, but surely your skills should be sufficient to count the number of zeros in the contract that you are holding in your hands. You've counted five zeros, and the digit before them definitely looks like a two, no matter how you look at it. You are quite confident that together with the zeros this means "200 000", but you are even more confident that this can't possibly be true, so you re-count the zeros a few more times.

The HR mare who is sitting across the table in front of you looks nervous—unless her hooves kneading the large office chair mean something else. You would guess that she needs a toilet break if she didn't also look excited for some reason. Perhaps she is just new here, and you are her first assignment, and she is eager to do her job properly. That would make sense, although her badge says that she is the "Director of Pony Resource Department," which doesn't sound like an entry-level position. You find yourself wondering if this title makes her a PR instead of an HR, and how do ponies call their other PRs instead to avoid the confusion.

As much as you want to sign the paper that is already signed by her and the CEO of the company, your sense of integrity can't allow this horrible clerical error to damage their business. You like free stuff as much as the next guy, but you don't want to be that asshole who signs something like this, and then sues the company when it inevitably tries to fix the contract. Most likely, some intern just wrote an extra zero in the contract form, and no one had noticed. You let a friendly chuckle to escape your lips to make it clear that you are by no means offended by this silly mistake. Even twenty thousand bits per year is a lot more than you had hoped for, considering how your interview went.

"I would be delighted to accept your generous offer, but I'm afraid that there is a typo in the contract. It currently states that you will be paying me two hundred thousand bits per year."

You smile, trying not to show too many teeth, and return the contract to the yellow-ish mare who is steadily turning pale white in front of your eyes. You saw ponies blushing through their fur before, now you see one losing her colors. Ponies. There is something fishy going on with their coats, but you had quit freaking out about minor things like this a long time ago. Heh, you probably just saved her from some serious problems.

"O-oh yes, of course! On behalf of the company, I apologize for the mistake! One moment, please," her horn flashes a few times, and then a few times more after a short pause. The mare nods to some invisible remote interlocutor, blinks with her horn once again and returns her attention to you, "we meant to offer you three hundred thousand bits per year."

You are not sure what's going on here, and why is this mare sweating. As much as you would like to flatter yourself, so far the only two reasons for mares to sweat in your presence were how dumb you can be sometimes, and how deeply embarrassing it can be to answer your stupid questions, such as "how exactly does the plumbing system work in Cloudsdale?"

The mare can't be mistaking you for some senior specialist for at least two reasons. First, she just spent ten minutes talking about your future job before giving you the contract, and the description was so vague and non-binding that by now you are pretty sure that any janitor in the building would outrank you by a few levels. And second, you are a human. You don't know anything about spellcrafting, enchanting, or even the most basic card tricks, and you made it pretty clear during your interview.

Now that you think about it, you are not even sure what had that interview achieved, apart from making it obvious to everyone that you are a living avatar of "uselessness as a concept." You were trying to advertise yourself as a handyman (a term you had to explain to the interviewers) and/or janitor, with a desire to learn more and acquire new skills beneficial for the job. After just a few minutes, it became very clear that not only you have absolutely no idea how to replace a light bulb, you are also unsure what basic principles it works on around here, and how useful your intuition about electricity is going to be when you apply it to the magical and semi-magical equipment in Equestria.

Being a huge alien monster, towering over all ponies including their royalty, you could also, in theory, work as a security guard. Even if it will be hard to find a pony who you can win against (all tribes are stupidly overpowered in their own ways), you do look intimidating, and your mere presence would probably be enough to keep young vandals from painting graffiti all over the company's buildings. Too bad that vandalism is so rare around here that you had to explain what you mean again. Twice.

And yet here you are, with a job offer that is too good to be true.

"Let me clarify something. For some non-specified minor assistance to the staff you are offering me, a human with no experience in your area and no relevant skills, three hundred thousand bits per year, flexible schedule, premium medical insurance, annual performance bonuses in shares, and a possibility to choose between a large sector in the open-space area and a personal office as my primary assigned workplace?"

"Y-yes! Of course, if you can't decide, you can take both, we have too much free space anyway!" ok, this is just ridiculous, but she doesn't stop, "And don't feel too stressed about the bonuses, they are pretty much guaranteed anyway, regardless of your performance. The updated version of the contract should arrive in a few seconds. A-and here it is," she says as a new stack of papers materializes in the air next to her. Even assuming that she was communicating with a secretary a few moments ago, surely making a new copy of the contract would take more time than this, right?

The mare immediately signs the new contract without reading it; you also notice that the signature of the CEO is already in place. This can't be real. Nothing in this situation can possibly be real. But what are you supposed to do now? Argue with the HR (PR?) about the absolutely unimaginably good offer? You know that there is no television, and therefore no reality shows in Equestria, so this is unlikely to be a prank. Maybe an experiment of some sort then? "Emotional reaction of extra-dimensional lifeforms in impossibly beneficial circumstances, by Horse M.D." Eh, probably. Oh well, may as well sign this, why not. Ponies are not exactly known for their sinister plans, and according to the few neighbors you've asked, Microspell is a big and well-respected company, so there is probably no fine print in the new version that is talking about stealing your kidney or something like that. Whatever this joke is, you are rolling with it. Even if they will fire you after a week, that would be the best week for you in many months, you are too tired of wasting days and doing nothing.

Just in case, you quickly re-read the contract (for some reason, the idea of unicorns stealing your kidney doesn't want to leave your mind), which looks almost identical to the previous one, except that now the new amount of money is spelled out right after the numbers. After double-checking everything, you take a very expensive looking phoenix quill in front of you and sign both copies. The mare across the desk looks like someone had just removed a huge boulder from her shoulders.

"Splendid! Even if the contract says that you can start tomorrow, feel free to take a few days off and start whenever you like! Here in Microspell we always value the work-life balance of our employees, so if you feel stressed, just take your time. I can't thank you enough for accepting our offer, I promise you that you won't regret it! Minty Breeze will help you to find the exit. I'm looking forward to working with you!"

That was... weird. Ponies are weird. Equestria is weird. Everything is weird. But especially ponies and their society.

Almost everything in Equestria is run by mares. Almost all jobs, from farmers to researchers, from construction workers to magicians, and from security guards to military generals are taken by mares. Stallions, who are quite rare, and pampered from their birth to their last days, are not really enslaving the mares or making them work for them, they are just... useless, mostly, with a few notable exceptions who almost automatically become celebrities of some kind. There are a few famous stallion actors, dancers, and singers. In Equestrian history, several stallions became famous poets, novelists, and painters, even though you don't really get what's so special about their works, and you know that there is an ongoing scandal about some stallion's novels "secretly being written by a mare." The majority of stallions, however, are just fussy and whimsical weaklings with vague ambitions and hedonistic lifestyles.

It's rare for a stallion to get a "real job", usually they just do whatever their cutiemark tells them to, and while sometimes it generates some amount of income, more often it's just hobbies that stallions entertain themselves with, mostly because they rarely take their jobs seriously. For example, a stallion with a cutie mark of a baker is likely to be a decent baker, but will probably work no more than one or two days per week. Nevertheless, mares treasure them unconditionally, fight for the place in the herd of the best ones, and, to be honest, don't have any actual respect for their skills most of the times. Not in a "stallions are worthless" way, but in a very condescending and annoying way, which is arguably worse. You've lost the count of how many times you heard random praising phrases about stallions and young colts such as "strong as a mare" or "smart as a filly." Most stallions don't find these remarks offensive, they are actually flattered by these compliments, which makes you sick a little bit. You don't find mares superior to yourself (not counting their bullshit magical superpowers), but you have to admit that stallions feel quite underwhelming. Whether it's something genetic or a consequence of the lifestyle, stallions sort of suck.

Your place in this picture is weird. On one hand, as far as you know, you are the only human in Equestria, and ponies don't really have a lot to compare you with (even minotaurs are quite different), so they shouldn't have any prejudgements regarding your abilities. On the other hand, they seem to have no difficulties with identifying you as a male at first glance and treating you accordingly. "You just look very coltish," your neighbor told you when you asked her about it, and you really hope that she didn't mean it as "you look like you totally suck." As a result of this, even if mares are not actively looking for your company, they are always willing to help you, just because that's what their instincts and their mares' honor are telling them.

Want to move that furniture you bought with your Universal Basic Stallion Income (UBSI) into the apartment provided by the government? Sure, not a problem. A few strong mares will carry it to the third floor and install it for you. Want to borrow a hammer to fix the shelves? Don't worry, a mare next door will do all the work for you, for free. Pfft, of course she understands that you are not a pony stallion, and of course she agrees that "you can do it by yourself" (the way mares say this phrase makes you uncomfortable), but come on, you are not suggesting that a male, of any kind, will have to do the work when there is a mare nearby? Stallion or not, a male is a male. Same is true for the griffons. Same is true for the minotaurs. Seaponies, dragons and even changelings have roughly the same gender structure, so no mare is going to allow you to suffer through the frustrating experience of aligning the shelves and then the horrors of hammering a few nails into the wall just because you are some kind of an extra-dimensional monkey.

Generally, you like Equestria, but you don't like this status of a weird bio-trophy of some sort. You are pretty sure that even the most unfair patriarchal societies back on Earth never treated their women how Equestria treats their stallions, but then, neither gender on Earth was scarce. If you ended up here as a mare, you would enjoy your every moment in Equestria. Endless possibilities in a beautiful magical world, what not to like about it? How can anyone be anything but awestruck by a world where "an adventurer" is an officially recognized profession, perfectly compatible with insurance and pension plans? As long as you are a mare, of course.

When you started to ask around about your employment options, mares were quite confused by your questions. "What do you mean you just want to work normally?" they asked. "You mean, not just do what you want, but do what others tell you to? You mean, like a mare?" If you had a cutiemark that demands to be expressed in some artistic way, mares would happily assist you and point you in the right direction, but since you don't have one and also don't have any skills relevant to the Equestrian society, mares didn't really know what to do with you and just suggested you to try finding a new hobby, like knitting or cooking.

Eventually, you just went to the central public employment office, the place where mares with useless cutiemarks are becoming janitors, delivery mares and minor office clerks, and registered yourself there, after explaining a few times to different employees there that you understand that you don't need to work to receive the UBSI and that you just want to be useful. It was hard to convey the message, so in the end, you had to make up an explanation about how it's "like an invisible cutiemark for humans, and yours demands you to work."

To your surprise, a week later you've got an interview appointment from the Mircospell Corporation, of all places, the largest Equestrian spellcrafting company. The interview was a total disaster, not only because you had to admit that you don't have any skills for the job you were applying for (even as a janitor) but also because you apparently couldn't understand the kindergarten-level terminology the interviewers were using. How are you supposed to know what a flux capacitor is? Ah, because it's an essential part of almost all modern household equipment, and most fillies generally know about it by the age of five? Of course...

The mares there were friendly and caring, but it was pretty obvious that they have chosen your CV by mistake. Probably the same mistake made it so that you got the second letter from them the next day, and after contemplating whether you should just ignore it or go there and resolve the clerical error (just in case somepony else was supposed to receive the invitation instead of you), you put on your best black suit with a red tie and went to the main office. This is what makes you different from stallions! Unlike them, you do stuff!

And here you are, leaving the main building with a contract with an unimaginably huge number written in it, and an offer that can't possibly be real. Passing by a newsagent, you notice a tabloid with the word "Microspell" on its front page. You buy the newspaper and read the article as you go home.

"Microspell is facing multi-million charges for discrimination against minorities.
"The NBI investigation had concluded that despite the previous claims made by the ex-CEO Flashy Sales, who was forced to resign last week and is currently under trial, it is virtually impossible for a zebra, a yak or a stallion to be hired, regardless of their skills, cutiemarks or glyphs, for any position in the company. Highly qualified NBI agents, under military-grade illusions disguising them as various representatives of minorities, committed several attempts to get a job in Microspell's offices all over the country. None of them got the offer, in nineteen out of twenty-six attempts there was no technical interview, and the results of the remaining seven were obviously misinterpreted.
"This proves that the Diversity and Inclusion score, that was always too low in Microspell Corporation, cannot be explained by the lack of fitting candidates alone, and likely represents the company's bias towards unicorn mares with pure bloodlines. The bias is especially obvious with 73% of the company's maintenance positions being filled by unicorns, even in the areas mostly populated by earth ponies and pegasi. Among the researchers and management, this number is close to 100%.
"But don't be too fast to judge the ponies working for the company. According to multiple sources, the bias is being imposed by the top management, has no support among the workers and originates mainly from Flashy Sales herself, who, quoting one of our sources, "thinks that filthy z***ers should go back where they came from." The new CEO, Double Effort, had promised to the investors to raise the D&I score to the national average level before the end of the financial year, but is it possible? Unless they are willing to fire half of the researchers and replace them with pegasi and earth ponies, they will have to find a bunch of zebras and yaks interested in spellcrafting. Maybe even a few stallions?
"If you know a smart colt with a cloud mana capacitor on his cutiemark, tell him that it could be his chance."

You sigh...

Oh well, that explains a few things. You wonder how much an extra-dimensional non-ungulate male adds to that D&I score. Probably a lot. Considering how many different races are represented in Equestria, you wouldn't be surprised if the metric somehow tries to take into account the distance to your place of origin. In that case, you alone could probably make this score to skyrocket. Of course they want you to work for them no matter how useless you are, so long it pleases the investors and protects the company from the legal charges. The world of Equestria may be filled with harmony and magic, but the world of business is apparently always filled with bullshit like this.

So what, you'll be bringing coffee to the mares who do the actual work, knowing that you are making more money than any of them? And that without you many of them may eventually lose their jobs because of the bigotry of their top management? Fine! If they are hiring the world's most expensive useless intern, they will get the world's best useless intern! Or a maintenance guy! Or even a janitor! You'll find a way to be useful there! You'll show them what a human male can do! You'll even find something to work overtime if they won't be impressed by your effort! You will be the...

You trip on your shoelace and tumble. Some random young earth pony mare is hurrying to check if you are ok and to help you stand up. She offers to carry you to your home if your leg is hurt. You know she will do it in a heartbeat.

Ok, this doesn't count. Technically, you are not working for Microspell yet. Tomorrow everything will change.