• Member Since 9th Aug, 2016
  • offline last seen Yesterday

wiccanminnesota


Comments ( 135 )

9499035
Thank you I look forward to reading your thoughts about the next chapters :twilightsmile:

9498974
Yeah I know it is a little shaky here and there which is why i added it to a few author groups in the hopes of getting some help with it.

hmm... curious to see where this one goes

9499091
If you could explain a bit in further detail I think that might help me with the story as I thought the plot was on point with Sunset Shimmer refusing help from Fluttershy and the police showing up to deal with Lightening Dust assaulting Sunset Shimmer during school hours. I felt I needed to show what happened to Lightening Dust's character after she got busted for what she did. If however I missed something or something within the story doesn't add up I would like it if you could explain.

CSC

9499122
Ah sorry. I meant to say the part with the police dealing with Lightning dragged a bit. I should have been more specific. Sorry.

9499123
Ah, Yeah I was trying to find a way to get Lightening Dust out of the story in a quick manner with how I wrote it. I thought I could move on and let her character go for a bit and come back to her character when the time was right to do so.

9499129
Anyhow I plan on posting another chapter within a few weeks I look forward to your thoughts on it once it is up and ready for review

This was... a mess. Lots of grammatical issues throughout, especially with your dialogue punctuation. Here's a handy guide from a handy guy on how to do dialogue punctuation correctly:

This is a recurring issue with your writing. If a speech tag follows after the dialogue, there should be no capitalization. If an action tag follows, capitalization is required. Here’s a very useful list of examples:

Attribution of Dialogue (Dialogue Tagging)

Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)

Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)

9499217
I don't have the money to pay for a editor so I had to do the best that I could if I could afford someone to help edit and proof read this I would be paying them but as it stands I am so far in debt that I will never have the money needed to clean this up. I will try to clean up the grammar as best as I can with the next chapter but I am working solo on this project and don't know much about proper grammar.

Comment posted by aceina deleted Jul 21st, 2019

Typing on her computer she noticed the time was four in the morning groaning lightly to herself in irritation she waited for Sunsets address to appear on the screen. A few moments later she saw the words ‘Classified Information’ flash across her screen a buzzing alarm sounded causing her computer to shut down.

Lol! Did Sunset hack the website so they can't see her address?

Now this is interesting. Some stories writen with this many mistakes, I would ignore after a few chapters. That said, I will rarely find one that keeps me intrigued enough to keep reading. I have only read a few like this.

Don’t give up on writing. You have my attention.

Try to read up on proper grammar. Write short stories to practice. Something throwaway that wouldn’t make it into a full fledged story.

9502065
Thank your for the encouragement I really do appreciate it. Grammar and spelling have always been a problem for me. I have used programs like 'Grammarly' 'Word acrobat' and 'Microsoft word helper' none have actually helped me with this issue.

9499228
I didn't get a notification for this reply. Strange.

Anywho, you shouldn't need to pay anyone to help with editing or proofreading. Ask a friend. Post in this group. The number of people who get paid to edit on this site is an extremely small percentage of the number of people who do edit.

I wonder why Celestia showed the officers the tape of the Sunset’s battle with Twilight. She had to have known the police wouldn’t have believed it.

9509601
I think the reason my reply didn't show up was because I accidentally turned off the comments when I was trying to see if they were actually working I have had issues with the comments and thought they weren't working properly. Thank you for helping me with finding a group that might actually help me with the editing of this story.

9509759
Because Celestia thought she was doing the right thing and the cops were kinda demanding about wanting to see what caused the fight that Celestia was talking about.

I wonder if Fluttershy may break things off with the others if they keep fucking things up. Yes i get they are still angry but what happens if they fail to help in time.
I could see Fluttershy break things off in disgust with them.

9544020
Thank you for the comment I look forward to your thoughts on the next chapters. As for Fluttershy breaking things off I am not sure if that is what I will do with her character though you have given me something to consider which I thank you for. I am planning on showing how each of Fluttershy's friends will treat Sunset in their own turn. I hope you will enjoy the story as I post further chapters. Thank you kindly for reading this chapter.

9544041
Well glad was able to give you some ideas, I hope it doesn't come down to that, but can see it happen.
It may be the last few things to make Rainbow Realize what they done or could done.
I could see Miss Cherie talk with them afterwards, related to her guilt and or lack of actions caused in the past with her former bully.

If Fluttershy breaks it off with one or more with the girls hope, things can be repaired, but if the bridge is burned....so be it.

I'm hoping Garble can be redeemed, seems to care for Sunset, just hope he doesn't push his luck, sad about Snips and snails and what they are going thru.
I'm thinking Sunset sees them as little brothers now.

I wonder how Lighting will do, Sure Her father going to be major pissed she gone now...but what did he think will happen? He threw her away, and she tried to run away or even kill herself from what he did.
Hope that slapped into his face., make him see how a failure of a father he was.

9502923
If the government knows enough about Sunset Shimmer to classify her info, then there is no Sunset Shimmer. Nopony was taken to a government facility that clearly can't exist for reasons never explained by men most certainly not wearing black...:ajsmug:

9509759
Actually, I can see the problem. The officer would have to cite Celestia, probably obstruction. Then in court, that video comes up again. The difference is that expert witness testimony will confirm its authenticity.

Whether MiBs haul away Sunset before, during or after this is the only real question...:unsuresweetie:

9557870
I will have the C.I.B agent explain how and why he classified Sunset Shimmer's file in a later chapter that I am currently working on I will also explain the mark or brand on Sunset's forearm in a little bit. Thank you so much for you delightful comment I look very much forward to reading your thoughts on further upcoming chapters. :twilightsmile:

Finally! Justice hopefully can be served, and glad to see Filith not going to spoil his child.

9613232
Sorry it took so long to get this chapter posted work has kept me very busy any how I thank you very much for the wonderful comment I look forward to your thoughts on the next chapter once I get it posted and ready for review. :twilightsmile:

Well surprised about Flash yet not surprised. Sighs. Can't wait for the next chapter. also the other stuff getting interesting, hate for the Government to try and turn ehr to a weapon as that backfire greatly.

9643542
In the chapter after the next one I'll try to include a small tidbit of Sunset Shimmer's native language.

9499217
I know its full of many mistakes please keep in mind that I am working with out an editor right now as I absolutely can't afford an editor or proof reader

9756822
it will be once I am done with this first part of it.

I'm enjoying this story please keep up the good work :D

9782417
Thank you so much. I plan on posting another chapter within a few days I am really happy that you are enjoying this story. :twilightsmile:

9809608
I plan to show what happens after I bring Sunset and Fluttershy back into this story so it will be I think two chapters after this one that everyone will see what happens to Rainbow, Applejack and Rarity.

That was a heart breaking chapter.

i wonder how bad things will get and if the Rain booms may lose Fluttershy in the end.

9825786
Thank you for the comment your comment has given me some ideas for the next few chapters. As for Fluttershy I am not really planning on ending her friendships with the girls just yet I want to really build up just how bad things are starting to get so I can hopefully add to Sunset Shimmers depression and feelings of guilt for something that she has kept hidden from the girls.

Why are the ratings disabled? Never seen a story with it like that.

This is so diferent from anything I have read in this site. But it has kept me hooked so good work. I'll be waiting for more

9832775
Thank you very much for the wonderful comment I very much look forward to your thoughts on the upcoming chapters. Thank you as well for adding my story to your favorites. :twilightsmile:

I hope Fluttershy tears into Rainbow and Rarity good for what they did.

9844942
I do plan on showing Fluttershy doing that however I want to sight three different times each of them have acted like idiots towards Sunset before Fluttershy gives them a ultimatum.

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