Much Sense the Starkest Madness

by Comma Typer

Why Do I Embrace the Chaos?

“I handed the job back to Line Drop. Went back outside, back to Ponyville. There’s Twilight’s doing panicky damage control ‘cause of a runaway centipede. Went to the lodge, met my friends again. Talked a good deal before we slept. People love survivor stories that way.

“Next day, got myself a job at town hall, assistant to an assistant’s assistant in handling Ponyville’s legal stuff with inter-dimensional travel… and the rest is history.” I point to myself, show my clean teeth.

I push my glass very far away. I was done.

Clean Desk looks up at me with those wide eyes. His breath is officially away. “Wow… I… uh, that was—“

“Encouraging?”

Desk looks down at his hooves. Slowly nods. “Y-yeah. I’ll… I’ll try to, um, bounce back—“

“And don’t be afraid to make mistakes,” I add, raising my finger. Having a hard time keeping it up. “You know… all those friendship lesson stuff you tell each other. That too.” I did read that Friendship Journal. Ponies have a habit of being telly with morals.

Desk nods and now he nods off. Sleepy eyes?

He drops asleep on the counter. Drool spills from his mouth. Alcohol-stinking breath. Empty glass filled more than five times.

Let him rest. Let the poor pony rest. It’s Saturday tomorrow. Monday’s far away.

I pat him on the back. Lean in to his ear. “You’ll do a good job out here. Promise me you’ll knock ‘em dead, ay?”

“Uh, should I call a taxi?”

I look up. Mr. Noble Grain, the man of nuisance. Now with more sweat on his bald head. Mr. Noble “I don’t want anyone to die while I’m here” Grain.

“Eh, can you ask him where he lives?” I ask back. “Very good time to ask him since he’s obviously not oiled.”

“Dead?!”

“Please! Take a joke!”

But I hear the door open. Another pony comes in, a mare. Looks twenty-ish like Desk here.

“Um, I’m looking for Clean Desk. He’s our boardmate at the Waldock Apartment—is that him?!”

Those huge eyes, her bent neck and head in absolute horror.

“Uh-huh,” I say, shrugging. “I guess so.”

She gallops up to him, takes the seat beside him and rubs his dirty mane. “Oh, no! Poor Desk!” Isn’t pointing hooves at me though, so fair game.

I glare at Grain. “Now you call a taxi, loverboy.”

“B-but I a-already broke up with her—“

“Tch! Quiet and call a taxi, heartbreaker!”

He glares at me, saying nothing before calling for a taxi. Kids these days. They make relationships last one hour. Back in my day, they lasted days.

While he calls and the mare comforts the drunken Desk, I get a text. Phone so bright, killing my eyes, but I read:

Ember is here with company. Wants you to join her. On trip to commission Pole Lock to make a gem painting of herself.

Heh. Ember had to give in to the trend sooner or later… but head hurts, feel pooped, think I’d insult Pole Lock, start a fight.

I politely text no. Much as I can text drunk. Head so heavy!

And then, it’s ringing?

“Sight See! Don’t tell me you’re going to pass this up! I’m sick and tired of everyone else telling me I should get my own portrait. If they’re gonna be like that, I’ll just get the best and make ‘em shut up!”

“Bu-ut wai-i—“

“Come over here ASAP or else!”

Call ends. Eh. Argh. Ugh.

I stare away and smile. I know this won’t end so well, but I haven’t had a bad feeling about things like this for a very, very… very long time.

Let’s ro… r-r-r… roll?

Then comes Grain to help me stagger out of the bar. "Know what, Nobel Grain? Stop helping me! I’m the admirable assistant of some empath with dragons and zebras! I can do this on my own!"

“Sir! You’re too drunk for this establishment—s-stop kicking! Just… just go do your thing outside!”

“Shut up! I got a grip to a tallery with ehis Tember, and I got a pem gainting to buy or else!”

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

That got a little incoherent near the end, and not just because of Sight's increasing intoxication. (Also, "I's" is not an acceptable contraction of "I was" no matter how drunk you are. Knock it off.) Still, this was a fun tale of escalating insanity and the power of determination in the face of Murphy.

That said, I do have to wonder: Where do the other ends of those new portals emerge? If they all end up coming out of the CHS statue, there will be some serious traffic jams in the future.

Best of luck in the judging.

[Comma Typer]

9558302

That got a little incoherent near the end, and not just because of Sight's increasing intoxication.

I admit a big chunk of it is because I was aware I was reaching the 20,000 word limit while writing those final chapters and I forced myself to cram things up so I could at least qualify. I should've known that that strategy would never work well—or that I should've planned things from the very beginning.

(Also, "I's" is not an acceptable contraction of "I was" no matter how drunk you are. Knock it off.)

What's worse, I can't even say that I was trying to be innovative. A quick Google search would've net me some good thoughts on what I's really is and that it isn't in good taste. How I never thought of searching that while writing those chapters stumps me now.

Overall, thank you for the feedback. I'll try to learn from it. I also apologize for being a disappointment with how this story ended up. Now that I think about it, it could've been a lot better. Shame, a decent idea wasted.

[FanOfMostEverything]

9559839
It's definitely salvageable. Once you don't have that word limit hanging over your head, you can can uncrumple the story to something quite nice. And even as is, it's still an enjoyably chaotic read.

[Comma Typer]

9559853
Well, thank you for that. In fact, I've just finished polishing up the whole thing. It couldn't be completely polished because of the word limit (and because I honestly want to have at least a long shot in the contest), but this will certainly be something I'll take coming into my next story.

Also, I left one question unanswered:

Where do the other ends of those new portals emerge?

With the mention of portal networks somewhere in the story, they'd emerge in other places, preferably flat walls in public spaces and, later on, proper portals Stargate-style (but nice enough to fit in, say, a park or an airport).

Again, thank you for your feedback! I hope I won't disappoint again.

[MixMassBasher]

This was entertaining to say the least. The story was all over the place in terms of where the main character travels. But his interactions with Equestrian culture is entertaining especially with Ember bossing him around. Though I appreciate how this story is a guy giving advice to someone who has a hard time with his job by telling his somewhat questionable and hilarious backstory.

However, the ending felt confusing to me as I didn't understand what was happening. And I can't remember, and unfortunately even bother, to remember the main character's name as it felt like a human in Equestria story despite clearly being not.

Overall, a good read for laughs at the expense of this character.

Wait I just remembered. His name's Sight See. Okay I'll retract my statement of the main character being forgettable.

[Comma Typer]

9634546
Thank you for that. I do agree that the ending is very rushed, but everything else about this story had an element of being rushed, honestly... which shouldn't be since I had about a few days to at least comb the story over before the deadline. I don't have any excuse there.

[Vaalintine]

Looking back halfway through the story things seem to shift a bit, and Ember's attitude towards him with it. It seems like she no longer takes her previous stance on "human stuff" and it being useful for advancing dragons, rather seeming to just view the protagonist as an annoyance or tagalong. In the first half it seems that Ember is going to be a respectable, if gruff, boss but in the latter half she doesn't seem to much care about him or why he's there. That, and he really seems like he was only there to be there.

In the end it looks like his whole trip wasn't worth the time, so having him being pulled back in against his will despite Ember not actually living up to expectations at all makes for an unhappy and dissatisfying ending. I'd say making the second half of the story more like the first would be the best way to improve it as a whole.

[Comma Typer]

9688874
Now that you pointed it out, the shift in Ember's attitude does become evident... and jarring, actually. Looks like that's another thing I have to learn from this one: keep a character's view of another's the same if there's no real cause for change there. With me pretty much dragging characters around just to advance the storyline, I also should've at least made viable reasons for why they're going around, not the excuses I've made in this story as is.

Thank you for your kind feedback. I am deeply sorry that you had to witness such a disappointing story. I plan to take the feedback and hope that my future writings won't be so bad.

[Vaalintine]

9742928
Its not terrible, the first half-ish part is pretty good.

[Comma Typer]

9742929
That's the thing though. The first half looks attractive, but then it leads off to a rather shoddy second half. For someone like me who highly values carefully picking what fic to read next, it becomes a bad bite you can't take back: time wasted for the hopeful reader. The average reader would be better off not reading it all if they don't want to be disappointed.

Perhaps we disagree on how good this story actually is, that maybe I'm just being so hard on myself about it. Either way, thank you for being as positive about it as you can.