• Published 27th Mar 2019
  • 2,435 Views, 63 Comments

FINALLY! - Rated Ponystar



Death learns that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are retiring much to his glee

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Okay Not So Average Then

Princess Celestia often wondered how her subjects felt when she was in their presence. The way they stared at her with worshiping eyes, enthralled by her aura as she strolled down the streets. It was an emotion she was curious about but realized she would never feel due to her position. Yet, before her was a figure that was beyond anything Celestia could have hoped to achieve. The goddess of life herself, Fausticorn, whose power could only be described as the fury of a dozen suns. It was a feeling of fire and ice, all mixed in a cyclone of boundless energy.

“Reaper Number 793714, you better have a good explanation as to why you suddenly appeared before these mortals!” Fausticorn shouted as the mountain of Canterlot rumbled with each syllable.

“Hey, Quill Butt. What’s up?” Larry lazily replied with a wave. This earned him the horrified looks of everypony but a groaning goddess. “And I have a name. You know what it is. I get you lunch every Thursday.”

“Yes, Larry, and you always forget I hate mayonnaise on my subs,” Fausticorn grumbled, before shaking her head. “And don’t call me that! You know I hate that nickname!”

“Is Ink Flank any better? Besides, it's not my fault you got that nickname by getting drunk during the company party and ended up looking like a fool on GodTube,” Larry pointed out, which made Rainbow Dash snicker and earn a kick from AJ.

Rolling her eyes, Fausticorn walked over to Larry and glared at him. “Look, let’s focus on what’s going on here. You have appeared before these mortals,” she pointed to Twilight’s group before turning to the Princesses, “and are claiming to take their souls. Why?! Have I not made it clear that they are to be untouched by death until I say so!”

“Don’t look at me! They’re the ones that said they were retiring!” Larry said, pointing to the two nervous sisters.

Raising her eyebrow, Fausticorn turned to the Princesses and asked, “Is this true? You stated you are... retiring?”

“Y-yes?” Luna hesitantly answered.

There was a moment of silence.

What in my holy name of me makes you think you need to retire?!” Fausticorn shouted in disbelief. “I mean sure, things are getting better save for a few things coming up, like that Grogar guy, but I’m not done with you two yet! I still got enough to milk this cash cow world with!”

“Cash cow?! Wait, you’re making money off of us?!” Spike shouted.

“Duh, what do you think being a god is about? We don’t just fart out worlds, universes, timelines, laws of physics, animals, plants, and various sentient races because we’re bored?!” Fausticorn explained, rolling her eyes. “We make worlds for profit! We see if they are successful, showcase them as TV shows, comics, books, movies and so forth in various other worlds. Heck, I created a world with those Superhero Ponies you love so much because of how popular Stan Lee was making moola with them. So I gave Stud Lee the ideas here in this world so they can get popular and make money off of it. I created this world for the same thing. Do you know how much I’m making with you guys? I’m fucking owning that Sugar bitch. And I’m already getting calls to make a new Gen 5 one! By the way, Twilight do you mind being an Earth Pony in that one?”

At that moment everything everypony knew about faith and religion was shattered like fine china off a skyscraper. They stood there, frozen in time and horrified that their creator, and all others like her, were just using them for... ratings.

“Oh, sure. I get in trouble for exposing myself, but you can expose them the truth that every god is no different then Rupert Murdoch. Freaking divine privilege bullshit,” Larry muttered, crossing his bony arms.

“Then... is everything we do... Is it pointless?” Fluttershy whimpered, wings sagging. “Are we just already predestined in our choices and fate is beyond our control? Are we just actors on a play doomed to never once break away from our chains?”

“Of course not. It’s less fun when you have to control everything, plus less workload. I swear Brahma and his brothers can only do it so easily because they have more arms,” Fausticorn snorted. “I mean, what the hell do you think fanfiction is? It’s pretty much all the alternate worlds based on choices or circumstances created by you guys. Like that one universe where Trixie and her friends are the Elements of Harmony, and the rest of you are a bunch of jerks.”

“Okay, I can’t imagine that in any universe!” Rainbow Dash proclaimed, growling as she flew into the face of the so-called goddess. “Listen, sister! I don’t care if you are the creator of all life for us! I’m offended that the only thing you see us as is a means for you to make a profit! What kind of a goddess are you?! Are you even a goddess to begin with?! You might be an imposter!”

Rolling her eyes, Fausticorn leaned forward and whispered something in Dash’s ear. Her mane and tail went into a fizzle fit a second later as she stood still in the air, completely stunned. Jaw dropping she stared at the grinning goddess before slowly backing up and sitting down with her head down. “I’ll be good.”

“What did you do?” Larry asked.

“I told her I would expose what she masturbates to in her room,” Fausticorn whispered.

“That bad?”

“South Park wouldn’t even make fun of it.”

“Damn,” Larry whispered with impressment.

Taking a deep breath, Twilight spoke, “Look, what Dash clops to aside, I’m willing to ignore the fact that I’ve lost my entire respect of the cosmos to point out that fact that we still have a problem with Larry here letting Princess Celestia and Luna die.”

“At this point, I kinda feel like our retirement is the least of our worries,” Celestia muttered as she levitated her hidden wine bottle and started chucking it. “Six weeks without morning chugs. A new record.”

“Look, they already said it and got the paperwork done. I need this! Badly! This could be my big ticket for a proportion to a better job position! Like Hyrule or Outworld or even Earth-land!” Larry proclaimed to his boss, getting on his knees. “Please let me have this! Please?!”

“No,” Fausticorn proclaimed.

“I’ll do your taxes!”

“No!”

“I’ll be on your Overwatch Team!”

“No!”

“... I’ll get you Chick-fil-A Nuggets?”

Fausticorn opened her mouth, but then paused and slowly rubbed her chin in deep thought.

“Seriously?!” Luna shouted.

“What?! Have you have them?! They’re amazing!”

“Well, I think it would be amazing if we didn’t die!” Luna shouted, eye twitching.

“This has to be the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” Twilight muttered, rubbing her forehead.

“What about that time Discord and I managed to turn every ocean in the world into pudding for six days and create new pudding breathing sea life?” Pinkie Pie pointed out with a smile.

“... the second weirdest thing then,” Twilight replied.

“Look, we both can’t agree on this so many we need to get a third person to settle the dispute,” Larry said, crossing his arms. “Shall we summon her?”

Fausticorn sighed and poofed into being a cellphone that she started texting into. “Fine. Maybe she can deal with this.”

“I hate to ask this, but who are you summoning now?” Rarity inquired.

“The Pony Devil,” The two cosmic immortal beings said with such ease that it didn’t seem like such a big deal. And yet everypony else was already this close to wetting themselves.

“The. Pony. Devil?” Twilight asked, whimpering as her pupils shrunk. “As in... the devil devil? Ruler of hell? Liar of lies? Princess of evil? That devil?”

“Pretty much,” Larry said, shrugging. “Although she also likes the title eyes of destruction for some reason. But you don’t have to worry, she’s not that bad. Well, most of the time.”

Upon hearing this everypony took for cover. The princesses went behind their throne rooms, quivering like little school girls while most of the Mane Six either flew to hide behind the chandeliers, hid behind potted plants, or ducked under the carpet. Pulling out a cellphone from hammerspace, Fausticorn texted a few letters before putting it away. “She should be here about... now.”

A knock on the door was heard before the twin doors opened revealing the so-called Pony Devil. Needless to say, everypony just gasped upon who it was that appeared before them. It wasn’t out of fear. It was more out of shock and disbelief.

“No way...” Fluttershy whispered.

“It can’t be...” Rarity muttered.

“... Okay, I officially give up,” Rainbow Dash said, slapping her hoof to her face.

“Hi, everypony!” Derpy Hooves greeted as she cheerfully flew into the room. “So what’s the problem?”

Princess Luna poked her head out behind her throne room and just asked, “W-what is the clumsy mailpony doing here? I thought the devil pony was supposed to come?”

“Oh!” Derpy shouted before blushing with embarrassment. “I forgot my horns. One second.” Two small devil-like horns then appeared on her forehead. “There we go.”

Twilight slowly got out of her hiding spot and looked at Derpy with wide eyes. “Derpy... you are the devil pony?”

“Yup! Who else could it be?” Derpy replied with a smile.

“If you really are the devil pony then do you know-” Spike went on before Derpy finished for him.

“That you’ve been using dark magic rituals to cause every single of Rarity’s dates and crushes to end up dying in some horrible messed up ways while sacrificing their souls for me to feast on for eternity? Yup! And I gotta say, they sure are tasty. Especially that Trenderhoof! The way he kept screaming and begging for mercy as I boiled him alive in fried oil before putting some salt on him for that little kick was great! Or that might have been because of the spiked anal beads in his butt. Or the Yoko Ono songs I was playing on my stereo. Or all three.” Derpy said while Spike was doing his best to avoid being glared to death by Rarity.

“Hey, ease off the murder thoughts Rarity, I don’t want to take Spike until he turns five hundred,” Larry warned before turning to Derpy. “Listen, Derpy. We have a problem here. Princess Sun and Moon Butt,” He ignored the glare from Luna while Celestia was... already passed out drunk so everypony ignored her, “just announced that they were retiring from their duties so I’m claiming their souls. While Quill Butt here wants to let them still live.”

“Stop calling me that!” Fausticorn shouted before turning to Derpy. “Listen, Derpy. You owe me for that time when I allowed you to create the parasprites! So you should side with me on this one.”

“Well...” Derpy rubbed her chin.

“I’ll give you muffins!” Death quickly stated.

“In that case-”

“I’ll let you take Rainbow Dash’s soul!”

“What the hay?!” Dash shouted, ripping her hair apart.

“I’ll give you Chick-fil-A Nuggets!”

“Hey, you said I would get Chick-fil-A Nuggets!” Fausticorn shouted, glaring at Larry with her face pushing against his skull.

“Well, that was as then. This is now, sister. Get over it!” Larry growled, pushing back.

“ENOUUUUUUGGGHHHH!” shouted Luna in the Royal Canterlot voice that completely destroyed all the windows in the castle. Everyone focused on her as she rose from her seat and stared down at the three beings with fury in her eyes. “Enough! I’ve had it! Just shut up all of you! Seriously, all my sister and I wanted to do was just finally take the stupid crowns off, go on vacation, and maybe finally get laid. Is that so hard to ask for?! I didn’t ask to be used in a battle against a disgruntled employee who sucks at his job and his bitch of a boss who has an ego the size of her fat flank! The two of you are arguing like a bunch of babies and should just shut up or compromise already!”

She began to take in deep breaths as everypony looked at her. All was quiet for a few minutes until Fausticorn narrowed her eyes and turned to Larry. “Okay, you can take Luna, but Celestia says. Reasonable compromise?” Faust asked.

Deal!” Larry shouted as the two shook hand and hoof.

“Wait, what?” Luna said as her final words before Death’s Scythe went through her. Her body collapsed like a puppet cut from its strings as her soul floated out of her once living shell. She looked at her corpse and then her ghostly self before sighing. “I should have seen that coming.”

Everypony actually nodded in agreement, save for Celestia who burped. Death twirled his scythe before opening another portal to the afterlife and all its shining glory. “Alright, Nightmare Nuts, get in.”

“There had better be nachos in there is all I can say,” Luna grumbled before she slowly made her way through the gates of heaven and was gone in an instant. Closing the portal, Larry pumped his fist in the air.

“Score! One immortal for me! I’m heading to management right now for that promotion baby!”

“Whatever, I need to go check on that world where Spike is having secret sex with that Changeling Queen. It’s developing quite nicely,” Fausticorn said, as she began to lift herself into the air.

“You’re watching me have what with who?!” Spike demanded in horror.

“Oh, please. I’ve seen you have sex with everypony. You get all the mares. And stallions,” Fausticorn said before she teleported in a blink of an eye.

“Guess I better go too. I’ll see you all back in Ponyville and some of you later in hell,” Derpy cheerfully stated before a wave of fire appeared before her feet and she sunk into it like a sinking ship.

“Yeah, whatever. Again, Dash, Twelve years. Though that’s not as quick as Applejack whose only got five,” Death said slowly fading into a portal of darkness.

“Why the hay are we dyin’ so early in life?!” Applejack shouted, stomping her hooves.

“Eh, blame the author. He’s obsessed with killing characters,” Death said before disappearing.

“I know right? How is he still popular when he does the same thing over and over again?” Pinkie Pie asked out loud which nopony paid attention to.

At this time, Princess Celestia slowly was coming out of her temporary drunk coma and looked around. “What happened?”

“Your sister is dead,” Twilight said, sighing as she summoned some of Celestia’s liquor for her own headache. Right now she wasn’t in the mood to care about anything except getting blacked out.

Celestia looked at Luna’s body and shrugged, “Eh, she wasn’t that popular anyway.”

Author's Note:

Like I said, only two chapters. Sorry things didn't update fast enough. Life was busy between the two. Hope you enjoyed!

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Comments ( 23 )

Nice. Claps all around.
Now the only mystery is what Dash is clopping to that is so horrifying.

Derpy... is the devil. First Flanders and now her. I guess it really is the one you least expect. Hilarious story!

... Alright then. Sure, why not? Makes about as much sense as anything else.

LUNA IS BEST PONY
sorry but I kind of like princess Luna but Derpy as the devil well somebody send this to littleshyfim

REALLY CELESTIA

No they took the wrong Princess! We need more Luna love!

Also a drunk Celestia not giving a fuck for her sister that’s even worse than death

She began to take in deep breaths as everypony looked at her. All was quiet for a few minutes until Fausticorn narrowed her eyes and turned to Larry. “Okay, you can take Luna, but Celestia says. Reasonable compromise?” Faust asked.

You mean stay?

Man, you are behind in the Path stories. No March update. Has real life been that hard?

Funny and good read, shame that Luna was killed; her point about finally having a vacation with her sister and getting Laid while on holiday was quite valid I think.

9571702
The editor just has his baby boy not to long ago and his computer needed fixing. That and my new job. But an Path of the Tyrant is coming.

God, this chapter was better than the last. Derpy as the devil was genius.

“Duh, what do you think being a god is about? We don’t just fart out worlds, universes, timelines, laws of physics, animals, plants, and various sentient races because we’re bored?!” Fausticorn explained, rolling her eyes. “We make worlds for profit! We see if they are successful, showcase them as TV shows, comics, books, movies and so forth in various other worlds. Heck, I created a world with those Superhero Ponies you love so much because of how popular Stan Lee was making moola with them. So I gave Stud Lee the ideas here in this world so they can get popular and make money off of it. I created this world for the same thing. Do you know how much I’m making with you guys? I’m fucking owning that Sugar bitch. And I’m already getting calls to make a new Gen 5 one! By the way, Twilight do you mind being an Earth Pony in that one?”

This really makes so much sense :rainbowlaugh:

Reading this, this makes me wonder what kind of crack you're on. Also, can I have some of that crack as well?

the devil is always who you least expect xD

This is the greatest thing I've ever read, now if only they added micro-transactions into the universes they create then they'll increase the profit margin.

Oh my God. :rainbowlaugh:

(Or should I be saying, Pony Devil? XD)

9571941 I don't wanna imagine the gods being EA levels of greedy :twilightoops:

I love this story. I also hate this story. Both facts are either simultaneously true or simultaneously false. Yet there is no middle ground, despite that being the only possible conclusion one could make from the above statements. My opinion of this story exists in its own dark corridor, in a place beyond reality where few dare tread. Beware, my fellow mortals: it is Schrödinger's Opinion, and without due caution it will devour us all.

...

...

...And now that I have that out of my system, have a Thumbs Up!

I wonder what people think of this story now after watching the first episode of season 9?

Now I’m imagining Luna sending a postcard from the afterlife.

Hilarious. This is absolutely hilarious. Thank you very much!

Alright well...that second chapter took quite the turn...

This chapter really needed proofreading. There are lots of mechanical errors; typos, wrong words, missing words, incorrect pluralizations. Then there's the story itself - it jumped the shark early and went back to do it again. Teasing a bit of meta or fourth-wall humor can be good if used correctly, but using too much makes it seem uninspired and meme-spouting.

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