A Visit for Redemption

EAnother Visit for Redemption
MLP: FiM
Equestria Girls
Random
Slice of Life
Sunset Shimmer visits Equestria again. This time, it’s at the Crystal Empire
Cadance
Sunset Shimmer
Starlight Glimmer
Sunburst
Brian Sheil · 1.2k words · 621 views

Sunset Shimmer visits Ponyville from her human home. She hopes Twilight Sparkle and her friends accept her for who she is.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 8 )

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Starlight Nova

Starlight Nova #1 · Mar 6th, 2019 · · ·

Who made the cover art?

Brian Sheil

Brian Sheil #2 · Mar 6th, 2019 · 1 · ·

9492034
I drew it. Not bad, huh? In fact, I drew the cover art for all of my stories.

TheMajorTechie

TheMajorTechie #3 · Mar 6th, 2019 · 3 · ·

9492055
You... might want to work a bit on body shape and proportioning...

Csquared08

Csquared08 #4 · Mar 6th, 2019 · 4 · ·

I don't know what I was expecting when I started this, but this sure wasn't it.

I'll start with perhaps the easiest problem to fix: Your dialogue punctuation. Here's a handy guide from a handy guy on how to do dialogue punctuation correctly:

This is a recurring issue with your writing. If a speech tag follows after the dialogue, there should be no capitalization. If an action tag follows, capitalization is required. Here’s a very useful list of examples:
Attribution of Dialogue (Dialogue Tagging)
Wrong:
✖ "Hi there," the pink pony grinned. (It should be a period: ‘grinned’ isn’t a ‘speaking’ verb.)
✖ "Hi there." The pink pony said. (This should be a comma; no capitalization should be used)
✖ "Hi there"! the pink pony shouted! (Punctuation of dialogue belongs inside the quotes.)
✖ "Hi there!" The pink pony shouted! (Don’t capitalize "the"; treat the "!" as a comma.)
Correct:
✔ "Hi there," the pink pony giggled. (She giggled while saying the words.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony giggled. (She said those words, then giggled.)
✔ "Hi there." The pink pony grinned. (The word 'grinned' isn't a 'speaking' verb.)
✔ "Hi there!" the pink pony shouted. (Exclamations and queries replace the comma.)

As for the rest? Your pacing was insane. We just kept moving from one thing to the next and spent about no time developing any one event. It was just so jarring to have Sunset suddenly tied up and thrown back through the portal? And there was no resistance from Twilight and friends? What in the world