Natalya Nurmatovna
Joined 24th May, 2016 ·
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The prose and dialogue could be a bit tighter and less on the nose. Besides that, you've done well. Keep up the good work, newbie.
~ Yr. pal, B.
TFW you'll never be able to wake up to Rainbow Dash beaming at you while you move the strands of her mane out of the way of her eyes.
The writing seems very eastern, flowery I mean.
Is this a translated work? I'm not saying I don't like it, just that it stands out.
*<>* N A S T Y
It's written well enough, but the protagonist is an insufferable, better-than-everyone, misanthropic asshole.
10246678
I agree.
It felt kinda cool to write a "sophisticated" asshole but, upon reading a few months later and with a fresh head, as well as with more understanding of how stories work, the dialogues in the first chapter and the chapter about the bar and the chapter when Rainbow asks to move in are indeed cringe and do two awful things: 1) they preach and, the most grave offence 2) they break awfully the mood. Moreover, they make the 2nd person, who is supposed to be a self-insert, too opinionated and thus ruin the immersion.
I should've let the story rest a bit before publishing and then cut the unnecessary and distracting dialogues out. Right now, with so much time passed, I've no idea how to do it.
Thanks for reading and thanks for commenting.
Longest striptease ever! 😂
I haven't felt like that since I've read The Eye of Argon. It is truly remarkable what has been achieved here. I will advocate for this to become the competitive reading story for bronycons