The Sesquiannual Meeting of the League of Evildoing Villains Intending Terrible Yields

by Show Stopper

LEVITY

Far to the west of the Crystal Empire, across the Great Northern Continent shrouded in perpetual snowfall, there rested an ancient ruin, forgotten by ponykind.

“Gah! It’s freaking freezing up here!”

Well, most of ponykind.

“Isn’t that just like a unicorn? Always complaining about every little thing.”

“I do tend to complain about freezing to death, yes!”

Through the icy tundra and swirling snows trotted two mares. The first was a pink unicorn with a purple mane and tail, so bundled up in winter gear that it was impossible to make out any further detail. The second was a grey pegasus with a yellow mane and tail whose simple yellow and white striped scarf did nothing to conceal her cutie mark of bubbles. Towards the frozen ruin they trudged, bickering all the while.

“And how are you not freezing?!” Sugar Belle demanded, glaring at the pegasus. “That scarf can’t be doing anything to keep you warm!”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Ditzy “Derpy” Doo said, tapping her chin in mock contemplation. “Maybe it’s because pegasi live in the clouds? Where it’s cold?” She rolled her eyes, both in the same direction for once. “Really, I’d be colder as a yak then I am now.”

Sugar grumbled to herself as they trotted on, quickly reaching one of the old huts and ducking inside. “I still don’t see why we have to trot all the way out here.”

Derpy shrugged. “Because we couldn’t agree on anyone’s territory so we stubbornly chose a neutral location in the middle of nowhere.”

“You know, I still disagree that this location is neutral.” The jingling of bells accompanied a third quadruped as he entered the hut. He was an old ram, his blue skin stretched taut over bones, twin horns curling high over his head. He wore a collar of bells that jingled with every step he took, emitting an unearthly ring that chilled Sugar to the bones. “This village was once populated by earth ponies,” he said, glaring at Sugar. “Hardly neutral ground.”

“Oh please,” Sugar scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Ponies haven’t lived here for thousands of years. Not since the windigos chased us out. Just because you’re millions of years old doesn’t mean that ancient history actually matters, Grogar.”

Grogar, the Dark Lord and Litch King of Tambelon, growled at Sugar. “Keep talking, pony, and I’ll add your soul to my collection.”

“Oh yeah! Let’s get a fight going on up in here!”

The three quadrupeds sighed and rolled their eyes as the fourth and final member of their party waddled in. Short and plump, the grey hedgehog lumbered into the cottage with a piece of cake grasped in his paw. “Great,” Derpy muttered. “The idiot’s here.”

“I resent that,” Grubber snapped, shoving the cake into his mouth and chewing furiously. He gave a loud swallow before pointing angrily at Derpy. “If I’m such an idiot, then why was my plan almost successful? In fact, I would have succeeded if a certain someone hadn’t gotten in Tempest’s way!”

“Oh, like it’s my fault Rainbow threw me in front of that orb!” Derpy shouted back, flying over and glaring down at the hedgehog. “In fact, I should bring up charges against you! Didn’t we agree that there’d be no interfering with each other? I’m pretty sure petrifying someone counts as interfering!”

“Oh will you shut up!” Sugar grabbed Derpy’s tail in her mouth and yanked her back and to the ground. “It’s not like you were in the middle of a plan anyway. And can you drop the disguise already? It’s weird talking to you when I know that you’re not really a pony.”

Derpy glared at Sugar before huffing. A blaze of green flame consumed her for a moment before dissipating to reveal a neon-green changeling. “There,” she buzzed. “Happy?”

“What in the name of all that is cursed happened to you?!” Grogar demanded, staring in open horror at Derpy.

“Go figure. Litches can’t keep up with current events.” Derpy sighed and shook her head. “Thorax figured out the flaw in our genes and started sharing love. I had to join in with the love-fest to avoid suspicion.”

“Much as I would love to make fun of bug zapper here,” Grubber snipped, “we do have a meeting to start, don’t we?”

Grogar sighed. “Indeed we do.” He cleared his throat and clopped his hoof on the ground twice. “I hereby call the eighty-seventh sesquiannual meeting of the League of Evildoing Villains Intending Terrible Yields to order. Chairman Grogar recognizes, as a point of formality, the motion to change the League’s name and summarily dismisses it as said discussion always dissolves into pointless bickering. Next order of business, a review of the latest attempt to take over and/or destroy Equestria.” He turned to Sugar. “I must say, even though she ultimately failed, your niece was quite competent.”

Sugar sighed and nodded. “Yeah, little Cozy tried her best. And I must admit, your apprentice was a good mentor for her. I think she needs a few more years though before she can be a truly credible threat again. Time for Equestria to forget her, you know?”

Grogar nodded before turning to Derpy. “As for your latest attempt-”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Derpy buzzed, holding up a hoof. “Chrysalis acted entirely on her own there, as evidenced by her terrible execution. And planning. And…” She rolled her eyes. “Honestly, she’s been a lost cause ever since we all transformed. I still haven’t been able to find a good replacement for her.”

“Well, you know,” Grubber piped up, “the Storm Kingdom has plenty of disgruntled generals and soldiers with nothing to do and plenty of reason to seek revenge on Equestria. I’m sure I could whisper in a few ears and get things goin’ if you want another army to try with.”

Derpy raised an eyebrow. “That’s… surprisingly generous. What’s the catch? Aren’t you going to need them for your next attempt?”

“Are you kidding?” Grubber held up his hands and shook his head. “I’m bowing out! I took an army, led by a traitor, into Canterlot itself and I still couldn’t take it! That was my masterpiece. The bugbear and parasprites were just filler stuff to buy time while I manipulated the Storm King. Sorry, but you guys need to get another villain to fill out your quartet.”

Grogar nodded. “Fair enough. I believe my apprentice is advanced enough to join our ranks.”

Sugar sighed, leaning back and looking at the ceiling. “Yeah, I guess Tirek is pretty good. I don’t trust him necessarily, but if you think you can keep him in line then I won’t complain. Guess that means it’s your turn to try to take over?”

Grogar snorted. “Take over? Please. You know that’s not how I operate. Destruction and mayhem are more my modus. I think I’ll go with the old classic, see how Equestria’s heros react to hordes of undead marching throughout the land.”

“With a giant rainbow blast, probably.”

Grogar frowned. “You ponies are irritatingly good at using those, yes.”

“Well, if that’s all,” Derpy got to her hooves, transforming again, “I’ve got to see a yeti about an army. Come on, Grubber.”

Grubber hopped onto her back and she trotted back into the snow. “You think he’ll be able to summon them before the ponies take him down?”

Derpy chuckled and launched herself into the air, winging her way southwest. “It’d take a miracle.”

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

I could read a couple more chapters about this.

[Show Stopper]

9475816
I might expand on it. The contest lasts until season 9 starts, so if I have further ideas by then I might add more.

[AlexTFish]

That was... remarkably plausible. I like the idea of "man behind the man" (or "pony behind the pony") manipulators, and it's fun to imagine that all the recent villain attacks were actually manipulated into it by this lot.

Derpy being a changeling is a well-established principle. Grogar as Tirek's mentor - sure, makes perfect sense. Grubber as the secret puppeteer behind the Storm King and Tempest? I've not seen that one before. Weird, but entertainingly plausible if you squint.

Sugar Belle as the secret architect of Cozy Glow's scheme, though? That was rather out of left field. I feel like I'd've wanted a bit more evidence, "explanations" of how various things Sugar Belle did in canon were actually in the service of some nefarious scheme or other. I'm perfectly ready to be persuaded, but I want to actually be persuaded.

On a different note, did you write this in a grand total of 3 hours from receiving the prompt card to publication?

[Show Stopper]

9476348
Indeed I did. The idea came to me within seconds of receiving the prompts, and the story slammed into my head with all the force and subtlety of the Friendship Express.

I see your point about Sugar Belle. Ideas are already swimming around in my head for another chapter or two, so I'll bear that in mind.

Thanks for the feedback!